Once Upon A Time in the West . . . Country

by Tony Hawks

  The R word more than ever loomed large at the start of every day; confirmation that our lives had changed forever. It occurred to me that becoming a parent is a great leveller. Never mind the career or life achievements you may have notched up so far in your life, from now on it was all about how loving you could be. You may have been a brilliant scholar or virtuoso musician; you may have made a fortune as an astute, hard-working entrepreneur; you may have even written a bestselling book involving eccentric journeys with white goods – but all that would count for nothing in your parenting henceforth.

  All that mattered now was how much love you had left for those around you, and especially this brand-spanking-new, little human being. It was as if somebody had taken all the values you’d held until this point in your life, and tossed them up into the sky. You could reach out for them as they fell back down through the air, and you might catch one or two on the way down, but ultimately you were starting again.

  ***

  Fran and I handled those early weeks as best we could, given that we had read the equivalent of a small library’s worth of books on childbirth, but nothing at all on what to do with the thing once it had ‘popped’ out.3 Armed with a valiant ignorance, we bumbled and dithered our way through with a touching clumsiness – at least, we hoped that young Hawks would have found it so, had he been able to recognise what was going on. One day I’ll attempt to tell him, and he’ll show as much interest as I did when my parents attempted to do the same.

  We found ourselves following our instincts, whilst at the same time trying to filter the diverse and contradictory advice that was constantly on offer from those who had walked this road before us. I can’t remember the number of times we were warned against doing something, because we would be making ‘a rod for our own backs’.

  Don’t feed them when they’re hungry, otherwise they’ll keep expecting food when they’re hungry.

  Yes, well, that’s just inconsiderate and we’d definitely need to stamp out that kind of behaviour.

  A few times, we were told that we would have to be careful, otherwise our baby would ‘manipulate’ us. Yes, and there’s some sound reasoning behind that theory, too. Everyone knows that the main reason why babies can’t stop the poo coming out of their arses is because all their attention is going on spinning an elaborate web of schemes and stratagems that will enable them to get what they want. We would have to be vigilant. We wouldn’t want to offer our baby comfort when he was crying, if actually what lay behind his tears was a desire to get the bedroom painted a colour that better matched his favourite Babygro. Yes, we’d be on the lookout for that.

  All that we were sure of was that almost everything that had ever been written about parenting seemed to be the polar opposite of something that had been written elsewhere. The only thing on which there appeared to be general agreement was that babies shouldn’t be dropped on their heads – although someone somewhere will no doubt have a theory that this strengthens their necks, and prepares them for the hard knocks of life that are still to come. All we could hang on to was the fact that we had the two most important resources available to our child – time and love.

  On top of that, we could sprinkle the extra ingredients of a delightful environment in which to live, and a good bunch of caring, attentive neighbours. And how our neighbours shared in the excitement of a new baby in the village. Each time we’d bump into somebody – on the few occasions when we had the time or inclination to venture outside – an excited yelp would be followed by delighted fussing and extensive questioning. Most commonly we heard:

  ‘Is he good?’

  At first this confused me. What did they mean? Is he good? Were they asking if he did much voluntary work, ran errands for the elderly, or raised money for charitable causes? If so, then he wasn’t good, because he did none of those things. But if he wasn’t good, then did this make him bad? But how could he be bad? He’d hardly burgled any houses, put anyone to death, or claimed for expenses on a second home in his constituency that he didn’t use. I assume that what was really being asked in this question was ‘How badly had he disrupted our lives?’ Is he good? means ‘Does he cry much?’ or ‘Does he sleep through the night?’ Dangerous criteria for judging goodness, in my book. Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin, and Saddam Hussein were all good sleepers and, as far as I know, they only cried when they stubbed their toes.

  In spite of the odd unwelcome tip on parenting, we were generally delighted to be in a community where who we were, and what we were doing, mattered to those around us. Most of the time we were too sleep-deprived, vague and dazed to notice it, but we had definitely gone from being anonymous Londoners to part of a community, and this community was helping us to fumble through our first fortnight of parenthood, a period that we were coming to view as a state of joyous upheaval.

  We had a vision for the future, too, just like those early pilgrims on the Mayflower who, like us, had headed West to start a new life. We wanted to raise our child learning to grow food; to be conscious of, and responsible with, the energy that he would use; to learn to love others, but above all himself; and to sit in on village hall meetings to make sure that we bought in toilet paper before it ran out.

  And one day maybe, just maybe, he’d get to drive Reg’s Zetor tractor.

  From: Tony Hawks

  Sent: Wednesday, 2 April 2014, 12:58 p.m.

  To: Ian Hislop

  Subject: this is all your fault

  Ian

  This is all your fault.

  If you hadn’t saved my seat next to Fran at the Samuel Johnson Prize then none of this would have happened.

  Tony and Fran x

  From: Ian Hislop

  Subject: Re: this is all your fault

  Date: 3 April 2014, 09:05:42 GMT+01:00

  To: Hawks Tony

  Amazing ! Congratulations to you both ! What a wonderful result from such a small act – we have done something useful with our lives after all! Ian and Victoria x

  Acknowledgements

  I’d like to say a big thank you to all the characters who appear in this book. Without you there is no story and you are what makes it fun. I hope I have done you justice and please forgive me for not spending more time describing how beautiful/handsome you are. I wanted to – honestly – but those bastard editors at the publishers wouldn’t have it. I’d also like to say thank you to those bastard editors at the publishers.

  Notes

  Chapter 1

  1 www.moldovansmovie.com

  2 Only the ‘shorts’ part of it had really gone to plan.

  3 Very nearly an oxymoron.

  4 It’s never been really clear who is in charge of this stuff. It’s nice that there might be someone in charge that cares about this kind of stuff. But if it is also them that organises tornadoes, droughts, landslides and floods, then I wish they’d desist.

  Chapter 2

  1 It’s a size thing, I think. Of course, I could tell you if I just typed ‘what’s the difference between a courgette and a marrow?’ – but I thought you might like to do that yourself. I don’t want to spoil your fun.

  2 They ought to know better than us how to do it – fête is a French word after all. (I know, by this logic, that the French ought to be worse at enjoying le ‘weekend’ or finding le ‘parking’ spaces, but who knows, maybe that is the case?)

  Chapter 3

  1 I didn’t have the balls to defend my arguments.

  2 Successful relationships are about giving in to what the other person wants. The other person then calls it compromise.

  3 Yet.

  4 Lindane, also known as gamma-hexachlorocyclohexane, is an organochlorine chemical variant of hexachlorocyclohexane, which has been used both as an agricultural insecticide and as a pharmaceutical treatment for lice and scabies. There. Now you know. By the way, in humans, lindane affects the nervous system, liver and kidneys, and may be a carcinogen. It is unclear whether lindane is an endocrine disruptor. Especially to me.

  5 Look
it up yourself.

  6 But often with better taste in music.

  7 Some artistic licence at work here.

  Chapter 4

  1 10 seconds.

  Chapter 5

  1 I actually suffer from a condition that has no official name, but it’s a fear of being early. If it looks like I’m well ahead of the game and might arrive ten minutes before required, I begin some other needless task that will then cause me to run late. There is no known cure.

  2 The modern jazzier version can be heard here – www.tonyhawks.bandcamp.com – and at least it’s doing some good. All proceeds from downloads are going to my care centre in Moldova for kids with cerebral palsy.

  Chapter 6

  1 Not that I’d done particularly well with the subject that I did pick. See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rQeY5s5oTM

  2 They call this ‘conscious uncoupling’ now. Ironic that it was probably a coupling whilst barely conscious that kicked the whole thing off in the first place.

  3 It remains a mystery to me why an item like this remained on the agenda when, as in this case, no one had the decency not to turn up.

  4 Many creationists who hold that God didn’t actually get round to creating the world until a few thousand years ago, are no doubt impressed that skittles was one of the first things that man started to do with his time.

  Chapter 7

  1 A sonographer, if you want to show off. I will, later in this chapter.

  2 Brassica is not, as I’d originally thought, a resort on a Greek island, but the name for the genus of plants in the mustard family.

  3 This is traditionally written as ‘Baaaaa’, but I can’t bring myself.

  4 Face it. He’s a much better neighbour than yours.

  5 Showbiz beckoned. On TV already.

  6 All parents want to have bright, intelligent children. Dog owners are the same with their dogs. ‘Look, isn’t she clever!’ they say, when the dog brings them back a stick they’ve thrown – as if this is a measure of anything other than gross stupidity. I sense that this need for bright pets and intelligent offspring stems from our own insecurities. Rather cruelly, I’ve always enjoyed playing on this when around the parents of newborns or toddlers. Away from the parents, I will spend a little time with the child before returning to declare:

  ‘Beautiful child.’

  The parents beam.

  ‘Very calm. Very much at peace.’

  More smiles.

  Then I deliver the sucker punch.

  ‘Not very bright, though.’

  Looks of horror.

  I’d then leave it as long as I could, before revealing that I was only joking.

  Chapter 8

  1 Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, also known as DEFRA or Defra.

  2 Those of you who enjoy my confusion with Tony Hawk the skateboarder may enjoy this: http://www.tony-hawks.com/skateboarding.php

  3 Remember this the next time you hear someone saying that they’re ‘sweating like a pig’. Pick them up on it. May I suggest that you begin your sentence: ‘Well, that’s just where you’re wrong, my friend . . .’ Thus, you will win their admiration, and they won’t find you remotely annoying.

  Chapter 9

  1 Could that be what Bryan Adams’s song was about?

  2 No films have been made about this, even though the views are prettier than those from the bridge on the River Kwai. However, its failure to have played any meaningful role in the story of Japanese prisoners of war in Burma has biased film-makers against it.

  3 In this book, I promise to keep you sporadically informed of trivia that will astonish your friends and make you a major hit at dinner parties. Try this for size. The A361 is the longest three-digit A road in the UK (195 miles). A stunner, I think you’ll agree.

  Chapter 10

  1 Just a thought, but do you think Jesus lost out on presents, what with his birthday falling on Christmas Day? Always bothered me, that.

  2 The host, Richard Whiteley, began the show with the words: ‘As the countdown to a brand new channel ends, a brand new countdown begins.’ (I am keeping my promise about providing you with trivia that will astound and impress your friends.)

  3 OK, I’ve got to be honest here. The rotten tide had gone out, so I ended up dipping the rear wheel in sodden sand. I won’t tell Guinness World Records, if you don’t.

  Chapter 11

  1 Or O.T.D.W.A.P.I.A.T.O.A.V.O.N. as it’s more catchily known.

  2 It will be down to me when you cover yourself in glory at the next pub quiz you attend, where one of the questions is: The estuaries of which two Devon rivers join to the north of Bideford and west of Barnstaple to empty into the Bristol Channel?

  3 I’ve not been to Shanghai, but regardless of whether it’s true or not, this is too good a strapline not to use. (A note to Shanghai’s city planners – feel free to use this. No need to ask my permission – it’s yours.)

  4 Even if things went badly wrong, Titch wouldn’t make it onto the menu, provided I was on hand to quote from the Old Testament and the Quran. ‘And the pig, because it has a split hoof, but does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You shall neither eat of their flesh nor touch their carcass.’ Deuteronomy 14:8. ‘He has made unlawful for you that which dies of itself and blood and the flesh of swine and that on which the name of any other than Allah has been invoked.’ Quran, Al-Bagara 2:173. For more details, go to: www.God’snotkeenonbacon.com

  Chapter 12

  1 AXcess Bikes, Honiton. Good bloke, Peter. Just don’t buy the second-hand bike with the bent brake levers.

  2 I think I’ll use the last bit of that sentence as a vocal warm-up before shows in future.

  3 French readers look away. Oh no, too late. You’ve already read about the two consecutive British victories when there hasn’t been a French winner for over thirty years. Sorry.

  4 Henry VIII was a colourful figure – for some an overweight, misogynistic and bloody tyrant, for others a Renaissance king who was a scholar, played and composed music, and was a first-class hunter. For me, what’s most impressive about him is this ability he had to dissolve monasteries and abbeys. Most of us live our lives occasionally dissolving an aspirin, and we leave it at that. Not so, Henry. He dissolved over 150 of these huge edifices. He didn’t knock them down. He dissolved them. I don’t think he gets enough credit for that.

  Chapter 13

  1 OK, and that I was naked. Only very zealous muggers steal the clothes off your back, too.

  2 OK, I accept that if I had found it sexually arousing, then I wouldn’t have admitted it here (the slim chance of a knighthood would have further dwindled). However, if Titch and I had embarked on any kind of sexual relationship (either with or without her consent), then I would simply have omitted this whole section. And I haven’t done. So I’m innocent. See? Besides, I made a promise to myself many years ago that no matter how lonely I got – no livestock.

  3 Brunel was placed second, behind Winston Churchill. Owing to an administrative error, I didn’t feature.

  4 442.

  5 Apocryphal is a word academics use instead of saying ‘bollocks’.

  6 This is something non-academics say, following three days of failing to understand how a ratchet strap works.

  Chapter 14

  1 How did He come up with his son’s name?

  2 Rather disappointingly Brunel went for this, too, calling his first born Isambard Brunel Junior. (Were the son still alive he could claim that Isambard Brunel Junior School in Portsmouth was named after him and not his dad. If he could be arsed.)

  3 One of those three facts was made up. Can you guess which one?

  4 Far fewer years than this, if you happen to be a creationist. According to Genesis (the book, not the band), Man popped up much later than this – after Adam and Eve had done some top-drawer sinning. Quite how the rest of us were ‘begot’ without some serious incest going on, is not explained. However, given that we’re also told that Adam lived for 930 year
s, we may have some grounds to question the scientific credulity of these details anyway.

  5 The fact that religious men could quote the following from Genesis 3:16 can’t have helped the women’s cause: ‘To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”’

  6 If at any point I get too technical for you, just stop reading and have a bit of a lie-down.

  7 It could have been worse, it could have been in capitals. That will only happen when, for some reason, I’m anything but calm and relaxed.

  Chapter 15

  1 Massey Ferguson. Ken was lucky enough to be on first-name terms.

  2 Maybe this guy has the right idea: http://opensourceecology.org/wiki/TED_Talk

  3 They’re always late.

  4 Two little ducks. Quack, quack.

  Chapter 16

  1 This is far better than using a sat nav, as local farmers probably make fewer mistakes, even though most of them aren’t linked up to satellites.

  2 Certainly no hard places in my pants. This whole experience was as far from arousing as it could get.