Leminscate as-2

by Jennifer Murgia

  I liked Nate, I had to admit. There had been a time when I honestly questioned if he was the reason behind Brynn’s dark secrets and motives. But now, we finally understood each other and I could clearly see why my mother was so enamored with him.

  “I don’t need to tell you that going after Brynn that night was a measure beyond bravery. Nor do I need to mention that accepting her into your life now, after what you’ve been through, is an even more commendable act. Your history together has been long and trying, I’ve heard.”

  “When you’re a child, everything is traumatic. I guess it takes a while to realize how silly it all is.”

  His eyes seemed to recall a suppressed memory for a moment, perhaps the real reason for Brynn’s actions; the reason that would devastate a child enough to be willing to sell her soul.

  “Teagan, you and I both know it lies deeper than that. Brynn’s actions, especially of late, have been inexcusable.”

  “Well, as much as it would seem the more reasonable thing, I just can’t seem to bring myself to hate her any longer.”

  “Ahh, she’s grown on you?” he asked with a smile that seemed slightly forced for my sake.

  “I wouldn’t go that far. Yet.”

  Without any glossing over, or lengthy preamble, he handed me the thick leather journal. His brown eyes were serious, yet soft, in the firelight.

  I looked up at him appreciatively, still afraid to see the secrets he’d kept logged in his coveted book. All I’d learned these past months, about guardians and heaven and even hell, had been discovered by someone other than myself. It was all within these pages. I only had to take it and finally come to terms with the fact that my burden could finally be lifted.

  “Go on, take it.”

  I reached my hand out, then curled my fingers back. What was wrong with me? What was I waiting for? Then, deep breath inhaled and my fingers extended again, the smooth buttery feel of the leather was now in my hand. The book was softer than expected. After all these years, I expected it to feel cracked and dry, but instead it had become so worn with Nate’s entries, it was just the opposite.

  I looked up at him, still reluctant to open it without permission, but his gentle expression urged me on.

  “Do you want me to leave you alone with it?”

  “No.” I said softly. Somehow I felt that would be the same as sneaking. The book still belonged to him and admittedly, his presence made me feel comfortable. He settled himself in the oversized chair behind his desk, giving me the quiet space needed and then, with a deep breath, I opened the cover. It was there, all of it.

  Described in amazing detail, down to the dates, descriptions, everything. I still couldn’t fully digest how Nate had become privy to all this information.

  How it all seemed to be here in complete, sequential order. No doubt, he dedicated a lot of time and energy gathering his information. I doubted the title hobby was even appropriate any more.

  The date of my birth was the first entry logged, and I sighed to myself as my eyes followed the next date, which was the month and year of my father’s disappearance. My schooling followed thereafter. He had even recorded the date Garreth registered at Carver High School and had recorded copies of our student schedules from this year and last. It was an entire collection of archives and honestly, it was pretty cool.

  As I thumbed further, I found my father’s birthdate was listed as well as my grandfather’s, whom I had never met. A shiver of excitement ran through me.

  Envelopes were pressed together containing various newspaper clippings of important events: my birth announcement, honor roll, even articles about the fire last spring had been neatly folded into an envelope and tucked into the spine. Another envelope, larger and manila in color, held copies of the medical records for both me and Garreth, a detailed description of our hospital stays, and strangely, Ryan’s, as well.

  Beneath the newer looking envelopes were a few that had yellowed with age. My finger gently opened the flap, pulling out a large, folded parchment.

  Carefully, I flattened it on my lap and read the names and dates of what I realized was Nate’s own family tree. In utter amazement, I stole a peek toward the desk where he was sitting only to find he was purposely ignoring me, allowing me to discover and digest the journal on my own terms.

  Brynn’s essential information, of course, was also listed. A cloud of sadness washed over me as I read the names of her mother and stillborn sister, followed by the dates of their births, as well as their deaths.

  I noticed there was a black circle drawn around Brynn’s name. It reminded me of the circle she cast in black sand—the circle that had been drawn against me intentionally, and a panicked feeling returned to my stomach as thoughts of Brynn alone with my mom down the hall surfaced. I looked up at Nate, bewildered.

  “Sometimes doors aren’t closed. They appear to be, but aren’t.”

  “Are you saying Brynn could hurt me again?”

  “I’m just saying you can’t rid the world of evil completely, Teagan. You can stop it in its tracks for the moment, sometimes longer, but you can never take it away.” The corner of his mouth lifted in a reassuring smile. “The world needs balance. You of all people know the importance of that. We need dark and light, good and evil, right and wrong. But what you discovered, Teagan, is that you have a special gift to block out what is dark, simply by not allowing it to overpower the light.”

  I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him and instead sighed deeply.

  “Come.” Nate beckoned with his hand for me to bring the journal across the room to him.

  “Do you remember when I explained how the earth is a mirror image of heaven?” he asked, not bothering to wait for my answer. “If there are guardians to watch over earth, who do you suppose watches over the guardians?”

  He rifled through the pages, not expecting me to answer but for me to speculate, until he came to the very last page, which was blank. But instead of concerning himself with the actual page, he instead slipped an envelope opener along the inside of the back cover. The stitching ripped open and a pocket was revealed. Nate slipped a finger inside the flap and pulled out a yellowed and fragile paper.

  From where I stood, I saw that it had no words written on it, but instead the number eight was drawn in fine calligraphy across the entire page.

  Crossing over to the lamp with the reversed painting drawn on the inside of the glass shade, he pulled the thin chain, allowing the bulb to switch to a lower setting.

  The pale light illuminated the glass and my eyes took in the dark lake, full of hands reaching up out of the water. I noticed the clouds were not clouds at all. They were wings, and an amazing number of angels reached down to the hands seeking them. In the dim light, he held the page up to the lamp and it mimicked the symbol in my hand. It wasn’t an eight, but an incredible lemniscate and with the special help of the light, the document was revealed within the fibrous threads of the parchment.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  My hand immediately sprung to my face in disbelief. “Is that my … ?”

  “Your birth certificate, yes.” I wanted to ask why it was hidden within a fragile piece of paper, but I couldn’t seem to ask. “Of course, your mother has the legal document as well; I’m sure you’ve seen it. This particular copy is the most important entry I’ve collected to date. For reasons we’ve recently learned,” he said with a grin.

  When Nate realized I was at a loss for words, he picked up the pieces.

  “You know Hadrian was your father’s guardian?”

  I nodded.

  “You possess your own power, and it is much, much stronger than your father’s ever was. Haven’t you seen the signs?” Nate’s voice was the softest I had ever heard it. “You are the light. A light sent from heaven to help cast aside darkness and fear. The light to see the good in all who have strayed from it. The light that guides the ones meant to watch over us.”

  I listened to him, taking it all in, confused.

&nb
sp; “Think of all those who sought you out. Your human nature perceived it as taunting, as wishing to do you harm, and with the exception of the most recent, it has merely been souls looking for a light to help guide them. For now, you have helped Brynn.”

  In my hands I held the old paper with the incredible lemniscate drawn across it, my birth certificate protected within. I had always been guarded, always looked after, and it was funny that a piece of paper would be treated just as carefully. I traced the looping eight as I had often traced its replica in the palm of my hand.

  “That paper is all the proof you need to finally realize you are more than you think yourself to be.”

  I nodded silently. His point was sinking in, but I wondered, “You said that doors can’t really be closed. Then really, there isn’t an end, is there?”

  “There is no death for what is not human, but more appropriately, a change.”

  “I’ve heard that before,” I whispered.

  Hadrian.

  Then suddenly, I realized.

  He was safe.

  My heart released all the guilt I had built up since returning from the tunnel. I had honestly feared the absolute worst, but to hear Nate repeat the very same words Hadrian had spoken to me once before erased all that. I knew, deep down in my heart that it was true.

  “But as far as Lucifer is concerned, be wary of your thoughts,” Nate warned. “You will meet him again if your mind is not closely guarded. Keep him at a great distance, for I fear he’ll do you great harm if he gets the chance. You of all people know how close the realms are from one another.”

  I shivered at the thought of letting Brynn into my family. What if the day came when she would turn on me again? What about my mother’s safety?

  “What do you say we call it a day?” Nate closed the book and I realized he was guarding me, like Garreth and Hadrian had done all along. The words the journal contained weren’t his secrets; they were mine, and they directly affected me.

  I watched as he walked over to a painting I had never really paid attention to before. There had always been some sort of turmoil taking place in here for me to ever notice it during the few times I had been in this room. The large, heavy framed oil painting took up a good section of paneling. Something so large, only to be overlooked so often, made me wonder, how much did I really pay attention? Was I really seeing the bigger picture?

  Standing up, I crossed the room to Nate’s side. I placed my hands on top of his, realizing something I never thought of until now.

  “We’ve all been caught up in the fact that for a very long time, Brynn has been without a mother, but I’ve grown up without a father … until now.”

  I flipped his hand over and held his mark up. “You’re here because of me.”

  “I’ll be proud to stand in and claim that role.” He pulled me into a bear hug as the delicious smell of lemon bars made its way down the hallway to us and together we walked to the kitchen for a sweet end to our afternoon.

  I could see the pattern starting here. A glimpse of the future. There were lemon bars and laughter, pizza, then a break for homework, followed by popcorn and a movie, and even more laughter.

  Would I have pictured this a month ago? Not a chance. But here we were, the four of us, settling in as if we were a family. Brynn would jab my arm now and then, but not because she wanted to hurt me, but because she wanted my attention or to see if I thought something was just as funny as she did. At least for now.

  My mother and Nate snuggled on the couch and I could see in both of their faces that this was right. That they had finally found the something that had been missing for a very long time, and deep down, I couldn’t help smiling.

  “Wow, ten-thirty already,” my mom said as I stifled the second yawn of the night. “I nearly forgot these two have school tomorrow.”

  Again, it would have been awkward, except it wasn’t. We said our goodbyes. My mom hugged Brynn, and I could swear I could hear the hardened shell of Brynn’s exterior cracking. When they parted, she looked at me a little guilty.

  “It’s fine, Brynn. You can hug my mom.”

  She nodded and smiled back, still uneasy. I knew the hole was filling once again. She needed a mom and I was a big enough girl to learn it was alright to share mine. Brynn needed healing, and maybe that alone would be enough to keep her from being tempted by darkness’s empty answers.

  I pulled my coat onto my shoulders while my mother and Brynn walked on ahead to take one last peek at the kitchen, making sure the place was tidy enough to leave it for the night.

  Nate leaned over to hug me goodbye.

  “About the journal and everything, thanks. I mean it.”

  “I should be thanking you. It took me years to compile everything in that journal. I thought if I kept looking, I’d find the answer to why I had been given this mark. It was in front of me all along.”

  I hugged him back.

  “Hey, this is good, right? You and I? We’re getting that predictable hump of awkwardness out of the way when it comes to kids and stepparents.”

  “Yeah. Good thing I have my own car. We can hop over that one, too.”

  “Hmmm. What do we do when we’re down to the last lemon bar?”

  I gave him one of my serious looks. “Don’t even go there.” I was tired, but adrenaline was pumping through me. I knew there was one goodbye I needed to say, and I knew now was the right time to do it.

  In the solitude of my room, I leaned back on my pillow and closed my eyes. I wasn’t quite sure how to do this, except that calming myself and preparing my mind seemed to feel right. I began relaxing my muscles, then my limbs, starting at my feet and working upwards until every part of me felt blissfully peaceful, but alert.

  My mind emptied of all the busy thoughts of the day, even though the entire conversation with Nate kept creeping in. I pushed it aside and concentrated. Within minutes I felt a floating sensation, as if my body was balanced on a cloud or laying in water. The motion rocked me slowly and gently, pressing me to ask for more.

  I reached my mind out and felt the warmth of hers clasp around it.

  I padded slowly over to my computer and pulled the chair out from my desk. Quietly, my fingers found the familiar keys and I opened my inbox, ready to begin the email I was finally able to bring myself to write. But the little icon in the corner caught my eye and everything tugged inside me all at once. I had an email.

  Teagan, All of the emails and the thoughts and the dreams … I’ve heard them from where I am. I didn’t want them to go unanswered before I say goodbye.

  I’m glad Ryan has you for a friend. He sees in you what I’ve always known. Please tell him that I don’t blame him for that night. Take care of my car, Tea. Play Pink now and then, just for me. And Tea, if the dreams stop for a while, don’t worry about me, I’ll always be here. My heart misses you.

  Claire My heart felt as if it was about to burst. I wouldn’t forget Claire, but I was ready to let her go. Deep down I had been searching for a proper way to say goodbye, always remembering her and the friendship we shared, not just the tragic emptiness left behind. Somehow, this felt right.

  I felt the air shift, growing wavy between us like heat on a dark surface. She was as thin as vapor, the sensation of her fading within me. In saying goodbye to Claire, I wondered if I was also severing another tie.

  Hadrian.

  So often he had been summoned to me when I emailed Claire, my thoughts filtering out to him. I had given him light in a world that had been too dark for too long and I comforted myself with the fact that somewhere he still existed and that this was how it was meant to be.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The kiss on my forehead was like air. A whisper of breath, warm and light. My eyes opened to find they were staring into the finest of crystal blue, shining back at me.

  “You were gone last night. I missed you.”

  Garreth was perched on his side, resting on his elbow, staring intently at me as if he hadn’t seen me f
or a very long time.

  “I know,” I said reflectively. “There was a baking lesson at Brynn’s. A history lesson in Nate’s study and …” I paused, watching Garreth take it all in.

  “What?”

  He leaned over to me, taking my face in his one hand, and kissed me tenderly.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “Me too.”

  We shared a look between us, knowing all was forgiven.

  “So, how does it feel? Knowing?”

  “It feels good,” I said with a smile.

  Garreth leaned closer again, shifting his weight to pull me in to his chest.

  “I love you, Teagan.”

  The sound of my mother rousing down the hall felt suddenly normal. I felt as if my world had moved out of place the last few weeks, then shifted back.

  Resuming itself.

  “Guess that’s my cue,” Garreth whispered. We both knew my mom’s routine well enough. She would walk sleepily down the hall, knock twice to make sure I wasn’t snuggling back under the covers, then make her way to the shower. Garreth would be on his way out by then, fading into the beautiful, morning mist, only to return a short while later to take me to school.

  The dresser drawer scraped shut through the wall. I could hear her feet padding their way toward my door. The predictable knock came.

  “I’ll see you in a few,” my beautiful guardian whispered, but I stopped him, pressing my hand to his cheek.

  “Things are different now. Stay.”

  His face registered surprise, but also contentment to go along with my train of thought.

  “You’re not acting like your usual self, you know,” he said, with a teasing smile creeping slowly across his mouth.

  “Apparently, I’m not an ordinary girl.”

  He settled back down, embracing me tightly, his lips on mine. From the other side of the hall, I could hear the water turn off in the shower. I was ready to say goodbye to the days of watching him leave, of watching him shimmer and fade. The last time he did that, he didn’t return.