by Reid, Angela
“And my mother?” I asked. They were both quiet, not answering right away.
Finally, Cade spoke. “Ellia, can we talk about this when we get to where we are going? Please just eat something and try to rest,” he said.
“Fuck no!” I yelled. “Tell me right now? Is my mom dead?” The words sounded strangled in my constricted throat.
He exhaled and looked briefly over his shoulder at me, as if assessing my mental state. “We don’t know. The agent we had in place was killed. We don’t know your mother’s whereabouts. I know this has been extremely difficult for you, and I wish I had good news. But we still don’t know.”
“You know something, Agent Cantrell, or you wouldn’t be hesitating. Don’t fuck me around anymore. I am sick of your lies and secrets. Just tell me the goddamn truth!” I yelled, angry tears burning my cheeks again.
Agent Roberts spoke instead. “Miss Meyers, the facts are what we have stated, however we have reason to believe that she is most likely no longer alive. She was being held in a warehouse. The agent had his cover compromised by a police officer investigating squatters in the building. An altercation involving gunfire ensued, and the structure, ended up in flames. The status of any survivors is unknown.” He rattled the news off like he was reading a newspaper. I hated him, and I hated Cade even more.
“Don’t give up hope. We don’t know anything for sure.” Cade met my eyes in the rear view mirror.
I laughed at him, the hysteria about to uncoil me. “Hope? Hope? Really, Agent Cantrell? You really think I should have hope? Hope for what? I have been kidnapped, beat up, watched the man I loved get his brains splattered all over a motel room, been shot at, witnessed a horrific car accident, learned that my family was kidnapped, and now my mother is most likely dead. Amidst all of that, I also have to wrap my head around the concept that my father and the boy I thought I knew faked a death that nearly killed me. And the pièce de résistance is the fact that my good ol’ daddy is to blame for all of it. Where the fuck is the hope in any of that, Agent?” Neither men responded. I took off the FBI jacket I was wrapped in, rolled it into a ball, and threw it to the other side of the expedition, no longer wanting any comfort from Cade or his FBI clothing.
The logical part of my brain understood that Cade was not at fault for current events, but I needed to be angry at someone. My father was M.I.A., so the anger had to go somewhere. I curled up in a ball and watched the sun set, its golden tones mixing with hues of pink, being swallowed by a dark blue abyss. Before long, the city skyline came into view. We were entering Detroit, and I wondered why they’d brought me back to the heart of where it all began.
After college, I’d moved to the northwestern side of the state, far away from the city that stole my future. And that was where they had found me. I regretted not leaving Michigan, altogether, but then again, Sam had relocated thousands of miles away, and they still got to him. My life had become a nightmare. If I didn’t find a way to deal with all the anger inside me, I feared I might implode.
We made another stop before heading to the safe house. Cade went into the restaurant and came out with two large bags of food. I hadn’t touched anything they had bought at the gas station, but my stomach began to grumble when he put the containers in the seat next to me, not once meeting my eyes. I didn’t know what he ordered, but it gave off mouthwatering aromas. My rational brain knew I needed to eat, but I still didn’t trust my gut to keep it inside me.
We arrived at an apartment building on the northern side of the city. Cade opened the door for me, and I got out. There were several other people milling around the building’s entrance, and it was soon clear they were all with the FBI. I was escorted by two women to the top floor, where a modest one bedroom flat awaited me.
“Miss Meyer’s, I am Agent Mendiola, and this is Agent Fattel. We have gathered clothing and personal supplies for your convenience, and we would like you to look over these items and let us know if there is anything else you will require.”
I knew this meant I wouldn’t be allowed to go out and shop for myself, so I better be satisfied with the tampons they brought or speak up now. There was apparel in the closet in the bedroom. Most of it seemed about the right size, though not necessarily my taste. They supplied me with feminine supplies as well as luxuries such as hair products and make-up. I wondered why they thought I needed cosmetics, who the hell was I supposed to impress? The idea made me laugh.
“Do you require anything else, Miss Meyers, before we leave you in the hands of Agent Cantrell and Agent Roberts?” Fattel asked.
“Nope, looks like I’m covered,” I said, somewhat sarcastically. I sat on the edge of the bed as the agents excused themselves. The room was small but clean, and the bed was covered in a gray comforter with matching pillows. There was an on-suite bathroom, and I was glad I wouldn’t have to share it with anyone. Even though I had made the choice to stay under FBI protection, I felt like a prisoner again. In reality, I was a pawn in a game that law enforcement and the bad guys were playing. I was so furious about having my life ripped away from me, and having my family in jeopardy, I wanted to kill someone myself. A knock resounded on the door. “What?” I yelled. Cade opened the door.
“Come and eat,” he said in that flat, cold tone I had come to despise.
“Stop telling me what to do, Agent Cantrell,” I said with as much hatred as I could dip my words. “You don’t get to have one single say in what I do, anymore. Do you understand that? I will eat if I want to fucking eat, not because you told me to do so. Now leave me alone!” I got off the bed and grabbed the door, slamming it in his face. Even though I was a little hungry, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. No way in hell did I want to sit and consume with him and his robotic partner like we were old friends.
The longer I sat alone, the more the irrational rage consumed me. I took off my shoes and threw them across the room. Clothes flew from the closet and the drawers as I took my aggression out on innocent articles of apparel. My body was exhausted and covered in sweat before I finally collapsed on the bare mattress, the sheets also a casualty of my rage.
Cade walked in as I lay there catching my breath. He surveyed the damage. “Are you done?” he asked with condescension. He sat two containers of food on the nightstand next to me, followed by bottled water and silverware. “I am providing you with nourishment. If you choose to eat it fine. If you choose not to eat it, then we are going to have a problem. I will have you admitted to a hospital if you continue acting like an insolent child. We can watch over you just as easily in a medical facility as we can in this apartment. It’s your choice.” He didn’t say another word and didn’t look at me, simply exited, closing the door behind him hard enough to punctuate his point.
“Fuck you!” I yelled and threw one of the containers at the door. Some type of stir fry slid down the wood and landed in a pile on the beige carpet at its base. My stomach screamed in protest. After a while, my anger spent, I relented and ate a few bites from the other container. It didn’t take much to fill me. I drank half a bottle of water. After that, I felt like I needed to be clean, so I took a shower and vigorously brushed my teeth.
When I came out of the bathroom, the containers were gone and someone had cleaned up the mess I’d made. It unnerved me to know they had come in, and I had not even known it. I didn’t want them having the liberty to enter my room at will and went to secure the bedroom door, realizing it wasn’t an option. There was no lock on the bathroom door, either. The ire re-ignited, and I punched the wall which did nothing but cause excruciating pain to my knuckles. I lay down on the bed and thought about the old days again.
Chapter 7
Just after Thanksgiving, Cade and I lost our virginities together. Although we had not planned our intimate breakthrough, we had hatched a plan to be able to spend an entire weekend alone together. I made arrangements to go see my dad and do some black Friday shopping. He had given me permission to use his house. My mom thought he would be there, too,
but, I knew he was vacationing in Florida with whoever his current love interest happened to be. Lucky for us, my parents were still so hostile with each other that they never spoke to one another, allowing me to create the false pretense. Cade had two venues booked to play that weekend. I felt a little guilty for lying to my mother, but I would do whatever I had to do, to be with Cade, even if it meant violating a trust.
We drove down together in my truck after Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, Randy, and Sam. The family thought I was dropping Cade at his aunt’s house, but we got on the interstate instead. That first night at my dad’s house, the two of us slept in the spare room, and after a hot and heavy make out session, Cade had ended things, saying we should probably cool it and get some sleep. I was disappointed, but I understood he was trying not to pressure me into anything. He worried I would have regrets, but I believed I’d never have remorse for being with him.
We spent the next day exploring the city. Cade drove me around to where he used to live and go to school. We did a lot of shopping, and I had almost my entire Christmas list finished by day’s end. Cade was playing at a bar that night, which was an issue for me, since I wasn’t old enough to be in a bar after nine o’clock. With a little effort, Cade convinced the owner that I was with the band, and I was able to attend.
I sat on a stool at the counter and watched Unraveled perform. Totally enraptured, I jumped when a guy with shoulder length black hair pulled into a low ponytail, sat an alcoholic beverage down in front of me. A rebellious spirit came over me, so I accepted the drink. It was the first alcoholic beverage I’d ever tasted, and the sweet pink fluid with a little umbrella poking out the top, was delicious. Two drinks later, the effects were taking hold, and I found myself dancing with the man who paid for the drinks. At first, we were fast dancing, which seemed harmless enough, even though the room spun around me. He kept his distance in the beginning, but by the time the band played a slow song, he believed he was entitled to something. The club was crowded, but I yelled at him to stop groping me as he tried to hike my skirt to grab my backside.
“Stop it! Don’t do that, I’m not interested, and I have a boyfriend.”
“So what?” he asked with a malicious grin, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt and under my bra. It was so crowded; I couldn’t step backwards to get away from him. “You know you want it.” He was clearly drunk, and I was suddenly scared, my hint of a buzz waning quickly.
“No!” I said. “Don’t!” He grabbed my breast. “I’m only seventeen, please don’t touch me,” I begged trying to struggle away from him. He only laughed and pulled me into his body, his erection pushing hard into my stomach. I wanted to vomit. The music abruptly stopped and Cade was there, pulling me away from the perverted man. Cade’s band mates stood between us and the man, daring him to try anything else. The creep put up his hands, giving up. They gave him a personal escort to the door while the crowd booed.
“What the hell, Ellia?” Cade was furious as he pulled me around to the side of the stage where it was quieter to talk. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” I cried, hugging him tightly. “He bought me couple of drinks and then we danced; I didn’t expect him to molest me. I am so sorry, Cade. I was so scared. I’ve never been to a bar before.” He started to laugh. “Don’t laugh at me, I was really scared.”
“I’m sorry. As long as I am with you, I will never let anyone hurt you, but you’ve got to stop flirting. You honestly don’t understand how attractive you are, and guys will get the wrong idea,” he said seriously with a hint of condescension in his voice. “This is a bar in Detroit, Ellia, not a high school dance up in B.F.E. You understand that, right?”
I felt stupid and immature as I pulled out of his embrace. “Maybe I should go, Cade. Can you get a ride back to my dad’s, or would you prefer to spend the night with your city friends?”
He touched my face. “You don’t have to leave, I just want you to be more careful.”
“No,” I said. “I think it is best that I go. Really … I don’t belong here. You guys are almost done, anyway. I will wait for you at dad’s house.” I stepped around him, prepared to leave.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked. “If anyone should be mad, it’s me.”
“Why would you be mad? I didn’t do a thing to you. You are the one calling me an immature hick,” I shot back.
“You were the one taking drinks from some older guy and dancing with him right in front of me. Did you ever stop to think about how that might make me feel? How would you like it if I was dancing with another girl?” he asked. “You didn’t think that might bother me just a little? God, Ellia, sometimes you are so self-centered.”
I considered what he said, angry at first, and then agreed with him. Sometimes I was self-absorbed, and I was always the jealous one. I had never considered that he might be covetous too, because I assumed he was aware he had me completely under his thumb. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I just wanted to dance, and I didn’t think it through. It meant nothing, Cade; I wasn’t intentionally flirting with him. I love you.”
“Come on, Cantrell, we have a crowd to entertain,” said his drummer, Scott, coming up behind us. “The high school drama can wait until we are done.”
“Go finish the set. I’m fine, and I promise I will sit here and behave until you are finished. I love you.”
He kissed me with territorial passion. “I love you too, Ellia. Don’t ever doubt that.” He jumped back on stage. When the band finished, there was no tear down, as they were booked there again the following night. Cade took his guitars with him, and we headed back to my father’s house. It was close to three in the morning, and we were both tired. I took a quick shower to wash the bar grime off and got ready for bed with no expectations.
Cade was already between the sheets when I crawled in next to him. He had showered and smelled like my dad’s shampoo. “You guys were great tonight, as always” I said laying my head on his chest. “I wish I had some kind of talent. It would make deciding what I want to do with my life so much easier.”
“Well,” he responded, stroking my wet hair. “If I got to choose a job for you, it would definitely be something that involved helping people.”
“You mean like a doctor or nurse?” I asked, looking up at him. “I think my self-centeredness might interfere with that.”
“I’m sorry I said that, and I didn’t mean it. I was pissed off and jealous.” He kissed my head and went back to the previous conversation. “You are so smart, and you can be whatever you choose to be, and you’ll be awesome at it.” He kissed my nose and my lips. It didn’t take long before our fatigue was forgotten. When we reached the threshold of the stop zone, Cade pulled back, not knowing if he should end things as we always did.
“I want to,” I whispered. “I love you, Cade, and I want to do this.”
“I love you too, but you don’t have to do this for me. I meant what I said, I will wait until the day I marry you,” he whispered back, while kissing my neck causing me to shiver and moan.
I didn’t want to wait a second longer and pulled his hips into me, indicating my decision. “I am sure. I am very sure.” He kissed me slowly, making me ache for him. When he finally slipped inside, it was uncomfortable at first, and it took some time before he was able to immerse himself. He was gentle and let my body adapt a little at time, even though it was difficult for him to go so slowly. Cade was always in control of himself, even then. Once we found a rhythm, the pain ceased, and the pleasure took over. “Oh God … Cade,” I cried out, reaching fulfillment. He let himself go with a moan of delight, and we held each other for a long time afterward, neither knowing what to say.
Finally, Cade broke the silence. “I love you, Ellia. I will love you forever.”
“I love you too, always,” I replied. We fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
***
I finally fell asleep in the big bed with sweet memories of young Cade on my mind. I dreamt of
him that night, the boy I used to know, and woke up smiling. Reality soon set in, though, and anger covered me again. It seemed unfair that such a perfect young love had ended in tragedy. How could you throw me away so easily? I don’t care if you thought you were protecting me, you nearly killed me. How could it not affect you, like it did me, if you had ever loved me the way I cared for you? I asked myself the same questions for the millionth time since I discovered he had not perished, but no answer presented itself. The tears came again, and I went to the bathroom to shower, wanting to wash the pain down the drain. The hurt still sat in my heart like a sharp heavy stone whose edges took joy in ripping my flesh. I got dressed; feeling defeated, and left the confines of my bedroom to find Agent Roberts reading a newspaper and Agent Cantrell sleeping on the couch.
I stopped abruptly and looked at him with red, swollen eyes, remembering how many nights I’d lain awake watching him sleep. His physical beauty remained intact, and if possible, had enhanced in adulthood. My heart ached so deeply, it was hard to catch my breath. I shook it off and let the resentment refill me. Roberts observed me with his grim, stern face, so I tore my gaze away, walked past Cade, and entered the kitchen area.
“There is coffee,” said Roberts. “And food in the oven warmer if you are hungry.” Coffee sounded perfect, but I didn’t want to eat. I poured myself a cup and sat across from Roberts, deliberately staring at him while he tried to read his paper. Inside, I was ugly and miserable, needing to lash out at someone. Agent-stone-face seemed as good as anyone in that moment.
“Is there something you require, Miss Meyers?” asked Roberts over the top of the newspaper.
