by Reid, Angela
“Do you have a life, Agent? Or like, is this it? Don’t you have a wife or a girlfriend waiting for you at home? Or maybe you have a boyfriend. Yeah, I bet that is your thing.” Sarcasm and malice sat heavy on my words.
“I have a job to do, and unfortunately for both of us, this is it,” he said, with his own ire.
“Do you find joy in your work? I mean, you basically have a license to kill people. Does that get you off, Roberts? Did you grow a big ol’ erection from watching those poor bastards get mangled around a tree?” I stared at him with hatred. “Is that what gets Agent Cantrell off these days, too? You both make me sick. The only difference between the criminals and you are flimsy little badges that won’t amount to shit when you sit in judgment.”
He stared at me and answered. “None of us take any pleasure in having to kill another person, Miss Meyers, but it is our job to protect the likes of people such as yourself from the evils of the world. You should try being grateful. If those ‘poor bastards’ you refer to had not been mangled by that tree, you’d be dead. Is that what you’d prefer? And, for the record, I am right with the Lord, are you?” His eyes returned to his paper, as I balled my fist, wanting to tear it out of his pompous hands and shove it down his throat. I glanced over at Cade and found him in a sitting position watching the exchange unfold. He got up and went to the kitchen, getting himself a cup of coffee.
“Food is in the warmer,” said Roberts. Cade nodded but didn’t eat, either.
Now that he was awake, I could turn my anger on the person who I deemed deserved it. “Well, you better eat Agent Cantrell, or we might have to admit you to a hospital,” I said, using a deep voice to imitate his. He ignored me and drank his coffee. “Come on, Agent Cantrell, eat your fucking breakfast, your boy toy over hear prepared it special just for you. Are you guys a couple? Which one is the bitch? Probably you, Agent Cantrell, right? You like that big black cock up your ass?” I surprised myself with such crude and immature behavior, but I was not myself. I was a mass of fuming pain that I wanted to rid myself of it, even if that meant being a nasty shrew in the process. What is wrong with you, Ellia? Normal people don’t react this way. This situation is not Cade’s fault or Agent Roberts. I disregarded the inner monologue, not caring what my logical self had to say.
Neither man responded to my illicit goading. Cade finished his coffee and went into the bathroom. Agent Roberts continued reading the paper. I got up and tossed my mug into the sink, cracking it into two pieces. I stared at it for a while, seeing it as a perfect representation of me--broken. After Cade’s death, I had never been able to glue myself back together to make the pieces fit correctly. Now there seemed even less hope of healing. I had the added element of resentment with which to contend. Even if they caught my rotten father and life resembled something normal, I would be forever altered. I turned on the television, only to find my own face plastered all over the news. I’d been listed as a missing person, and my friends, who were actually just coworkers, gave interviews about where they’d last seen me. Cade had lied to me again, and I wanted to strangle him. I sat glued to the television as the media dissected Matt’s murder and my potential culpability in the crime. Both my mother and brother joined me on the missing persons list, but we were also declared persons of interest, which put an entirely different spin on our disappearances. They speculated about my father’s criminal activity, and the local authorities hinted that we had all fled the country with him. When Cade entered the room and saw my expression, he shut off the TV.
“I am watching that,” I yelled, using the remote to turn on the flat screen. “You bastards lied to me. Nobody really knows I am with you assholes. Now they think I am a fucking criminal.” I wanted to smack Cade, and the look on face said he wanted to return the strike. Pissed by my defiance as I turned the volume up six more notches to annoy him, he ripped the power cord from the socket. “What is your fucking problem, Agent Cantrell? You obviously have serious issues with the truth, but I’d actually like to know it for once.”
“You already know what the fuck is going on, Ellia,” he began. “Why re-hash it on TV when the media doesn’t have a goddamn clue what is really happening. Are you that naïve? Jesus Christ, what do you think we are doing here? We are trying to save your life. Telling the world you are in FBI custody leaves room for someone to come looking for you amongst us. It narrows down the search, and these guys have very creative ways of finding the people they want.”
“Well, I guess I am naïve, Donny,” I said standing up, using his undercover name. “Once upon a time, I trusted you. I would have done anything for you. I loved you with every ounce of my being, and you shit on me. You lied to me, and you just keep on lying to me. I hate your fucking guts, and I wish to God you had really died. I would rather live with the memory of who you were than knowing what you’ve become.” I ran to my room like a defiant teenager and slammed the door. I paced for hours as the tears rolled on in endless torrents. The longer the day dragged, the more I became a desperate caged animal, tearing at my own hair and raking my fingernails down my arms. By night fall, I was exhausted from the path I’d worn on the floor. A knock on the bedroom door broke my sequence, and I flung it open, still angry despite the incessant hours of pacing. “What?” I yelled. Agent Mendiola stood in front of me. She looked me over as if disappointed by the maniac I’d become. “What are you doing here?” I asked her. And who are you to judge me?
“I wanted to make you aware that I have replaced Agent Cantrell, per your request,” she said, coolly, looking down her nose with an air of superiority.
The fury simmered in replacement by fear. Although I was angry, I didn’t feel secure without Cade near me. I didn’t believe for a second that he cared about me, not personally, anymore, but somehow my instinct said he’d do his job and keep me alive. “I didn’t request that he be replaced. I never told him that. Where did he go?”
“He is not far, Ma’am, but he felt you would be more comfortable with another agent inside with you. Agent Roberts will be continuing on with me. If you require anything, we’re out in the main room. There is food available in the kitchen if you are hungry.” She turned her robotic monotone off and left me alone. She said Cade didn’t go far, but it might be another lie to mess with my head. He didn’t want to be around me anymore, and that seemed to be the theme in our relationship.
I hadn’t eaten anything since the night before, but I still didn’t want any food. Depression, the dark beast I had struggled with after Cade’s death, came reaching for me again. I curled up in the bed and went to sleep, hoping I would never wake up again.
No such luck. I woke in the middle of the night with Agent Mendiola by my side while I thrashed around in the throes of a nightmare. “Wake up, Ellia, you are dreaming,” said the agent shaking me roughly. The dream had been about Cade. His brains splattered on the wall instead of Matt’s, and I knew I’d been screaming his name. The tears fell down my face as I shook and perspired.
“Where’s Cade?” I sobbed, not fully awake or comprehending my whereabouts.
“Agent Cantrell is downstairs, and he is fine.”
I nodded my head. “Oh, yeah, Agent Cantrell, I forgot. I am sorry I woke you.” I sniffled and grabbed a Kleenex to blow my nose. “The nightmare confused me for a minute.”
“It is understandable. You’ve been through a very difficult and stressful time. Do you need anything?” she asked almost kindly, but not quite.
“No,” I replied. “I just want to go back to sleep.” In truth, I was afraid to go back to sleep for fear the dream would return. The episode embarrassed me, especially since I’d been calling out for Cade. That man invaded my waking and sleeping brain against my will all the time, and he had since I met him. Agent Mendiola left me alone, and I lay in the dark room, staring up at the ceiling, my mind perusing the dream that still haunted me. To steer my mind away from the nightmare, I traveled back to my memories.
***
The weekend after Thank
sgiving had been the best of my seventeen years on the earth. I watched Cade play again the second night but kept my distance from the patrons. I didn’t sneak anymore drinks. By the time we got back to my dad’s house, the clock had struck four in the morning. We made love for a second stretch.
“Ellia,” Cade whispered before we fell asleep, a worry in his voice. “We should be using birth control. As much as I love you, a baby would not be a good thing for us right now.”
“I got on the pill awhile back, Cade; we’re covered,” I said, snuggling deeper into him. “Do you think I am a slutty girl now?” I teased.
He rose up on an elbow to look me in the eye. The rising sun gave illumination to the room. “Don’t ever say that, Ellia. I would never think that about you. You are everything to me. Are you having regrets about this? We can’t put your virginity back, but we don’t have to do it anymore if you’re not comfortable.”
I giggled. “I was only kidding. Believe me, I don’t want my virginity anymore. You get to keep it forever. You are everything to me, too, Cade, and I love you with every piece of my heart.”
“I love you too, and I’d marry you today if we were old enough. I want to be with you the rest of my life; that’s how much you mean to me.” He kissed me tenderly, and I snuggled back into him. “I feel honored and proud to be the owner of your virginity.”
“Ditto,” I replied, kissing him in the hollow of his neck. We fell asleep intertwined together.
The next morning we slept until noon. We made love again that morning. I never dreamed I could be so comfortable, not only with my own body, but someone else’s as well. Everything seemed natural, normal, with Cade, like we were built for each other. Happiness radiated from every inch of me, and I prayed it would go on forever.
Cade drove my truck back up north, and I fell asleep. I didn’t wake until we arrived home. “We are here already?” I asked, yawning and stretching. “I guess I dozed off, sorry.”
“It’s okay, I like watching you sleep. You look so beautiful with drool running out of your mouth,” he said with a laugh, and I swatted him playfully. We’d left his motorcycle parked behind the school so my mother wouldn’t drive by and see it. I’d drop his guitars off to him the next day.
“You really need a car.” I shivered in the cold while he got on his bike. “It is freezing out here, and it might snow soon. You cannot ride this thing in the winter.”
“I know; I am working on it.” He rubbed his hands together to warm them up before putting on his black leather gloves. “Thanks for coming with me.” He took my hand. “It will go down as the best weekend ever.” He gave me a wickedly handsome smile accompanied by a mischievous wink. I smiled back, feeling the same way. He pulled me into one last good-night hug, nuzzling my neck. “I love you so much, Ellia.”
“I love you too,” I said, kissing him again. “You should get home before it gets dark. I will see you tomorrow.” After a final kiss, we parted ways.
The next morning, Cade didn’t show up at school. I texted him relentlessly and left several voice mails with no response. Fear gripped me as endless scenarios played out in my head. Is he sick? Is he hurt? Did he change his mind about me and decide I am a slut? Did I piss him off in some way? I had no idea what to make of his absence. Finally, I cornered Jimmy for information.
“He’s in the hospital, Ellia, geez didn’t anyone call you?” asked Jimmy, looking surprised.
“What? No--nobody called me. Is he okay? What happened?” The tears were already blurring my vision.
“He got in an accident last night. Some dumb ass didn’t see him and pulled out in front of him. He is fine, though,” said Jimmy, reading my stricken expression. “Cade’s a good driver and swerved the bike before they collided, but he did dump it. He has a bunch of cuts and bruises, and his leg is broken. Other than that, he’s not seriously hurt. They are supposed to release him today.”
I didn’t wait to hear another word or bother to thank Jimmy for the information. I got in my truck without stopping to sign out at the office and broke every speed limit law in the county to get to the hospital. After a hasty park job, I ran inside, pausing at the information desk to obtain a room number. The elevator delivered me to the second floor where I sprinted down the hallway like a code blue was issued. The door stood open, and an old man lay in the first bed. A drawn curtain hung between the two, so I carefully walked in to peek around, hoping they had not given me the wrong number. Cade’s black and blue face smiled when he saw me. His cast covered leg rested on a pile of pillows.
“Hey,” he said, still groggy. “There you are. I got worried when you didn’t come.”
The crying came in earnest. “Cade, I’m so sorry; I didn’t know until just now. Nobody told me. Oh my God, I could have lost you.” The idea broke me as the sobs took hold. He pulled me down into a hug.
“Shh. I’m fine, I swear,” he said, stroking my hair. “I asked my aunt to call you. My cell phone got smashed when I landed on it. I’ve been pretty foggy with the pain meds they gave me, or I might’ve thought to use the hospital phone. Don’t cry, Ellia. I really am fine.” He held me while we talked until the nurse and a doctor arrived. I released myself from him and moved toward the window to make room for the medical staff. I dried my eyes and blew my nose while the doctor examined Cade.
“Well, you are a lucky young man. Other than the leg, you fared pretty well. I am going to let you go home, but you need to see Dr. Morley tomorrow about the fracture. It’s policy for patients to follow up with an orthopedic doctor to ensure proper setting and healing. The nurse has your appointment time for you and discharge papers for you to sign, then you can get on out of here.” Cade thanked the doctor who stopped and addressed me. “Is this your boyfriend?” he asked, and I nodded. “Tell him to sell that bike before he gets himself killed. Those things are nothing but death on wheels.” I nodded again, and the doctor winked at me before leaving the room.
“Dr. Stanly hates motorcycles,” said the nurse, pulling his rolling tray in front of him and placing the discharge papers on it. She proceeded to go on with his aftercare instructions and gave him a prescription for pain medication and crutches. “Is your family coming to pick you up?” she asked sweetly. The young nurse flirted with him, touching his arm, and smiling at him. Cade seemed oblivious as usual, but I was happy for his release.
“I called them, but they are both working and can’t come until after five. I can leave with my girlfriend, though, right?” He gestured to me.
“Sure, I don’t see why not. I will round up a wheel chair for you,” she said, and left the room.
“They couldn’t even leave work to come and get you, Cade? I swear those people are such assholes.” Indignation sat on my words.
Cade laughed. “It’s fine, I’d rather go with you, anyway, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course I don’t mind. It just makes me so damn mad they didn’t call me. They can never be there for you when you need them.” I sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. “Even though your dad did some bad things, I wish you still had him and your mom. My heart just aches for you sometimes.” He looked despondent, and I teared up again.
“I miss them every day. I wish my dad would let me visit him in prison. It’s like he has written me off or something. It hurts like hell, but I deal with it. Don’t worry about me El, I have you and that’s all I need.”
“I am sure your dad didn’t write you off, not like that. He is probably ashamed of where he is and what he did to get there. He doesn’t want you to see him reduced to being a prisoner. But you do always have me; that part is very true. I love you so much, and I freaked when I couldn’t reach you.” I hugged him again, and he kissed my neck, sending electric shivers through my soul. The nurse walked in and interrupted us.
“Sorry,” she said and held up her hand as if to shield herself from our affections while laughing. “I forgot to tell you that your clothes are in a bag in the closet, but they are a mess from the accident. You
didn’t by chance bring something for him to wear did you?” she asked, addressing me.
“I can run to your house and be back in a flash. Do you have a key?” I asked Cade.
“My keys are still with my bike, but they keep a spare on the ledge above the door in that flowered swag thingy. Are you sure you don’t mind?” He seemed sleepy again.
“Not at all,” I said. I’d never been inside his house before, so he explained where to find his bedroom. I kissed his forehead and left him.
When I reached his aunt and uncle’s home, I parked in the driveway and retrieved the key. Once in the big, old colonial, I found Cade’s room, which was tidy for a teenage boy. There were a few articles of clothing on the floor and sheets of the music strewn about, but it was otherwise spotless. I went through his drawers, looking for something that would be easy for him to get over the cast and decided on a pair of shorts, despite the cool weather, not knowing if the leg hole on his sweats would accommodate the cast. A clean T-shirt and hoodie seemed appropriate as well. When I got into his sock drawer, my hand landed on a photo album. Curious, I couldn’t resist the urge to snoop. Inside were pictures of Cade and his parents. His mother was stunning, with long black hair and Cade’s eyes. His father was handsome, with perfect facial angles like his son, even with his long hair and array of tattoos. He was a big man and stood at least seven or eight inches taller than his mother. Cade had kept newspaper clippings about his mother’s demise and his father’s arrest. It made me sad, but I was glad I could put faces to the people who gave him life. His mother had been a stay home mom, and Cade was her only child. They had raised him well, with the morals his father seemed to lack. I went to put the book away when a note slipped out and sailed to the carpet. I picked it up and opened it. The letter read:
Dear Cade,
I am so sorry they are making you move away. I hope you will visit me as often as you can. You know how much I love you. We have been through so much together, and I hope our relationship will survive this move. You are my world, babe, and there are not words to express how much I will miss you. I will always cherish the songs you wrote for me and those special moments we shared. Call me as soon as you get there.
