My Ex From Hell (The Blooming Goddess Trilogy)

by Darling, Tellulah

  “Huh?” Hannah was understandably confused.

  And then it hit me. “Ohmigod. I’m a death machine.” I’d just killed two creatures. Yeah, I’d squashed my share of spiders and mosquitos. But these were, okay, if not human, than human-esque. Ish. Did that make me a murderer? “Theo, I don’t like this game anymore.”

  Theo sighed. “It was you or them. Feel sorry for them and it’ll be the last feeling you have.”

  Now I was getting angry. “Then you should have prepared me. Not dumped it on me in a life or death situation, where I get my first kill and then am supposed to be cool with it all. You didn’t feel obliged to share until I almost took your head off with my destructo fun. What if I’d killed you?”

  Hannah looked between us. “Why are you having a totally nonsensical argument?”

  Theo paused, like he wasn’t sure where to begin. “My real name is Prometheus.”

  “And I am Bond, James Bond,” Hannah replied in a deep tone of voice.

  Theo’s reveal triggered a memory of a long-ago English lecture. Not to mention made sense of Cassie’s weird mutterings. “I’m Persephone, aren’t I?” This begged the question of how Cassie knew but I’d have to get to her later. “Goddess of Nature or something.”

  “Spring,” Theo sighed. “Also, embodiment of earth’s fertility.”

  “Explains her child bearing hips,” Hannah quipped. “Spare me the details on how she’s supposedly fertilizing the earth.”

  “Saul,” Theo said to Hannah, using his nickname for her (Hannah Solo to Solo to Saul) “we’re not kidding.”

  “Why don’t we take this from the top?” Hannah insisted in a firm voice. “You two can tell me the situation and I can decide how big a pair of creeps you’re being for playing a lame joke.”

  “Our story starts back on Mt. Olympus sixteen years ago,” he began.

  “Nice try,” Hannah interrupted. “I may only know Mythology 101 but those gods predated New Kids On The Block.”

  “Obviously, gods have been around for millennia. Sophie’s predicament starts just over sixteen of your earth years ago.” He shook his head. “Suppose I better back up.”

  Hannah frowned. “Suppose you better quit now. Seriously, you two. In what universe did you think I’d fall for this stupid story?”

  Unbelievable sure. But stupid? “You don’t think I could be a goddess?”

  “Less than ‘not at all.’”

  “Let’s see you run,” Theo encouraged as if I was a Border Collie.

  “Or I could blow Hannah up.”

  “Hannah isn’t ready for advanced goddessing. Baby steps. Run.”

  Hannah laughed in disbelief. “Set it to expert and go. I’m all eyes.”

  “Watch and be amazed.” I may not have totally come to terms with this, but that didn’t mean Hannah got to doubt me.

  I took off, positive I could now push the limits of speed.

  Apparently not. I returned to my starting point under Theo’s disappointed gaze. “I didn’t think it was possible but you’re a worse runner than before. I’m not even sure that counted as a slow jog. Guess the goddess is diluted by human,” he said.

  “Fun as this was, watching Soph jumping around like a constipated elephant, I’m outta here,” Hannah said, getting to her feet.

  I stopped her from leaving. “You have a divorce lawyer for a dad and a psychologist for a mom. Your entire home life is all about everything that’s wrong with people. If you can believe some of those wackjobs’ problems, then you can stay here, be my supportive friend, and believe in exactly what’s wrong with me right now.” I looked around the room, desperate for some way to prove this to her. And, let’s face it, me. “Super strength. Let’s do that one.” I was pretty sure I’d ace any test on that subject.

  Theo dragged Hannah across the gym in my determined wake.

  I stopped in front of the chin-up bar, wrapped my hands around it and tried to pull myself up. I could barely lift myself off the ground. That couldn’t be right. I’d destroyed two supernatural creatures. I would not be defeated by my own body weight.

  I narrowed my eyes at the chin-up bar. At that moment, it symbolized all the feelings of total uselessness I’d ever felt in gym class. I shot a viney rope out of each hand. I was dimly aware of Hannah gasping but I was more interested in wrapping the vines around the bar and squeezing the crap out of it.

  I lifted the bar in the air, my ribbons of light spinning and encircling it. It started to tighten, shrivel, and wither. Then … poof. It was dust.

  “Ta da,” I gloated. “‘Circle of life’ can bite me. I. Am. The. Lion. Queen.”

  Theo didn’t look too pleased. I followed his gaze to see that Hannah had fainted.

  Before I could figure out what to do for her, Theo “energetically patted” her across the face. Her eyes fluttered open and she glowered at him in indignation.

  He shrugged. “You fainted.”

  We helped her into a sitting position.

  “Did you see what she did? Of course I fainted, you idiot!” She stared at me as if I had two heads.

  I felt sick. Now that she knew, she'd be all creeped out and not want to be my friend. I didn’t want her thinking of me as a monster. “I’m not moving out. So tough.” I blurted.

  “Uh, yeah. Are you going to be all Jekyll and Hyde now? Do I need to worry about being murdered in my sleep?”

  “You’re staring at me with this weird look on your face,” I insisted.

  She smacked my leg. Hard. “You just did this impossible thing that I, of all people, don’t believe is possible!” She smacked me again.

  “‘When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth,’” Theo added gravely. “Sherlock Holmes,” he explained at our stares of bewilderment.

  We both smacked him.

  “She’s a goddess,” he said. “Deal with it. Both of you.”

  I slid to the floor beside Hannah and lay my head on her shoulder.

  “Start from the top,” she said quietly.

  Theo sat down beside us. “Short version? There’s this ‘mine’s bigger than yours’ turf war going down between Zeus and Hades. Earth was supposed to stay Switzerland in it. Instead, it became the key battleground and humans suffered. Earthquakes, volcano eruptions, tsunamis, everything you people blame on natural disasters? Not always so natural. Mother Nature and her temper makes a great cover, though.”

  “And I fit into this how?”

  “You’re the key to stopping it. The savior of all humanity.”

  “You’re kidding,” Hannah said. “No pressure.”

  I gave a weak laugh. “And to think yesterday, all I had to worry about was Bethany and her yoga zombies.”

  “How come she never knew this until now?” asked Hannah.

  “Yeah. I don’t remember being Persephone.”

  “That’s because you weren’t supposed to get your memory back in pieces. Upon your eighteenth birthday, the spell that blocked your knowledge of your true self would be undone and it’d all come rushing back. You’d know what to do. And how.” He glared at me. “And then that monkey baller Kai kissed you and wrecked everything. As usual.”

  Whoa. “What does Kai have to do with this?”

  “Hades figured that a good way to get back at Zeus was to kidnap his daughter Persephone a.k.a. our bundle of joy, Sophie. But he couldn’t risk coming up to Olympus to snatch you. His presence would have set off all kinds of alarms and made him vulnerable, so he sent his son.” Theo paused. “Kyrillos. Otherwise known as Kai.”

  My jaw fell open. “You demon spawn liar,” I accused Theo. “Just protecting me from a player, were you?”

  “I was,” he defended hotly. “You two had more ups and downs tha
n a StairMaster.”

  “Which I have no clue about because this is the first time you’ve ever bothered to tell me.”

  Theo pushed his glasses up his nose. “You wouldn’t have believed me if I did.”

  “Do you even wear glasses?” I spat out.

  “You dirty little Hobbit!” Hannah exclaimed. “You smooched your cousin.”

  I shuddered. “My cousin?” I thought I might throw up.

  Theo had the good grace to look sheepish. “Human standards of familial taboos don’t apply to the gods. Even so, first cousins can legally marry.”

  “In the backwoods of Alabama,” I groaned. “Just give me a banjo and teach me the ‘Deliverance’ theme now.” I slapped my knee. “Yee haw!”

  “Astonishingly melodramatic. Even for you.” Hannah shook her head at me.

  I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. “Fine. Let’s just stick with the facts, shall we? My uncle, Lord of Hell, wanted to kidnap me, probably kill me. Does that about sum things up?”

  “Hades,” Theo corrected, “not Hell. And killing you would have been difficult and painful,” Theo assured me. “Immortality and all that.”

  “Nice try. You can’t kill someone who’s immortal.” Hannah had raised a good point.

  “You’re confusing immortal and unkillable. Immortal just means you won’t die given the natural scheme of things. Not that you can’t. And when Immortals kill other Immortals … They like to toy with them first. Break them.”

  His eyes were bleak as he spoke in a dead voice. “Takes a long time to break an Immortal.”

  I shot Hannah a confused look. I was missing something here.

  Hannah was glowering. I’d seen that particular look of hers before. Usually when she refused to accept a situation. Numerous teachers had been the recipient of that glower.

  Then she sighed and dropped her head, with a small shake. “Theo,” she prompted gently.

  I whipped my head between the two of them.“What? Translate please?”

  “If you hadn’t fallen asleep in class,” Hannah admonished.

  “Yeah. Bad Sophie. What am I missing?”

  “Theo—Prometheus gave mankind fire and pissed Zeus right off.”

  “Your liver!” I remembered, shouting at Theo. “Zeus was so mad, he chained you to a rock and made a vulture come by to eat your liver every day.” Yikes. The boy knew exactly how long it took to be broken.

  Hannah squeezed his hand. Guess she believed him now.

  Theo blinked back to attention. “Persephone was immortal. You’re human. Doubt it transferred. My bet is you’ll reach super old age over full-on living forever.”

  Theo looked between me and Hannah. I guess between my shell shock and Hannah massaging her temples like she was in pain, he figured we needed to level out. “Sugar and caffeine. Now.”

  Theo had every staff member wrapped around his finger. Our cook, Ms. Washington, especially adored him as he flirted with her shamelessly. It did get him bakery perks, so the boy was onto something.

  He used his charm to score us coffee and chocolate chip peanut butter cookies destined for tonight’s dessert. We ate them—as we did every meal—at one of the scarred wooden tables of varying sizes, seated on mismatched chairs.

  I picked one up and inhaled its yumminess. “You got peanut butter in my chocolate,” I said casually, trying not to show how scared I was. See, Hannah and I had this stupid ritual we always did. And if she didn’t answer me, then I knew everything had changed between us.

  “You got chocolate in my peanut butter,” she replied.

  I sighed in relief.

  “Goof,” she said, nudging my leg with hers. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

  Theo added about four packages of sugar to his coffee then continued his tale. “Hades sent Kai to Olympus to kidnap you to see if he could use you as leverage. Plus there was the added bonus of torturing you for any dirt on your dad.”

  “Delightful,” I murmured between bites.

  “There was a snag. You and Kai.”

  “Me and Kai what?” I leaned forward, eager to find out.

  Theo sighed. “You fell in love. No one counted on that. Kai stole you away to the Underworld, but he wouldn’t let Hades touch you. And it wasn’t worth the headache to Hades to cross him, since he had you, for all intents and purposes, as his prisoner. It was all disgustingly nauseating bliss until someone decided to murder Persephone.”

  So people had wanted me dead before, too? “Who?”

  “Must have been Hades,” Hannah replied.

  Theo shrugged. “Someone wanted you gone. Could have been anyone. Neither Hades nor Zeus wanted you two hooked up. Lesser gods would do anything to win their favor. Suck-ups.”

  “Dead, though. It seems a little extreme.” I shuddered at the thought.

  “Sometimes, death is a blessing which we don’t have,” Theo responded darkly. I felt bad for him because after that whole liver thing, he knew what he was talking about.

  “What I do know is that I found you, dying on the floor.”

  “Why were you in Hades? You lived on Mt. Olympus.” It seemed very suspicious to me that he just happened to be there. “Also, we need more cookies.”

  “You’ve had four,” Hannah pointed out.

  “I’m having a very trying day. Better pimples than a fiery, mortal death.”

  Hannah made the motion of playing the world’s smallest violin.

  “Will you two shut up and let me finish?” asked Theo.

  “If you get cookies,” I said.

  Theo obliged. Probably because he knew I’d just keep whining “Theo, can I have a cookie?” until he did. Smart boy fetched one more small biscuit for each of us.

  “Let’s just say,” he said, breaking his cookie open, “I didn’t like constantly running into the god who had caused my liver to keep getting eaten. Zeus is a douche. Of epic proportions. Hades is too but he’s all ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ crap. Otherwise, I’d never have been allowed in. Mr. Paranoia had the Underworld clamped down tight.”

  “You found Sophie, I mean Persephone and … ?” Hannah prompted.

  “I spirited her body away. Essentially made a deal to put her soul, her essence into human form.”

  “Can I have my other body back?”

  “No. It’s dead.”

  That fact shouldn’t have upset me so much. This me didn’t know or remember the other me. But I felt gutted. Like I’d lost someone incredibly close to me. Guess I had.

  Theo must have noticed how pale I went at the finality of his words because he added gently, “Sorry. It was the only way.”

  I grudgingly nodded.

  “My plan was to watch over you as you grew up human and then when you were eighteen, release your true identity, train you to your full powers, and let you fight for mankind and end this stupid war.” He lit up with the passion of his plan. “Your allegiance is human but your powers are godlike. Since Persephone is Spring and the embodiment of earth’s fertility, as both human and goddess, you’re bound to the earth. Before you were, you know, you told me that you knew the way to stop them. Any memory of that?”

  “Nada.”

  “This plan would definitely anger Zeus,” Hannah said, thoughtful.

  Theo gave a cherubic grin. “A happy benefit.”

  “So you were using me.”

  “I saved you,” he retorted.

  I thought about this. “You did. But the price was being farmed out to Felicia and then being stuck in this crapshow for pretty much my entire life. If you were really watching over me, you would have pretended to be my nice dad. You wanted me to be your Joan of Arc puppet.”

  “I couldn’t be your dad. Th
ings got … messed up. That’s why you didn’t meet me until grade two. Felicia’s utter lack of parental ability was perfect because she stashed you somewhere I could keep you safe. Besides, if this had happened the way it should have, you wouldn’t be whining.”

  “Yeah, well, would’a, could’a, should’a,” I snarked.

  We’d been crossing into one another’s personal space. A loud whistle pierced the air. Theo and I whipped around to find Hannah glaring at us.

  “Both of you, shut up!”

  That startled us. She’d never spoken to us in that tone of voice. The few other students across the room looked over.

  “The way I see it,” she said more quietly, “it’s humans who have been used. If I am going to believe this story, it sounds like we are the only innocent beings in all this. You Greek gods and goddesses are a bunch of narcissistic insensitives with unlimited power. Just a dandy combination.”

  “Don’t lump me in with them,” Theo sulked. “I’m a Titan.”

  “What? You’re not even a Greek god?” Oh this was just great.

  “Titans are better. We’re the deities who came first.”

  “Theo,” Hannah said urgently. She motioned to me. Both of them shot to their feet, grabbed my arms and hustled me out of the cafeteria.

  “Look down,” Theo hissed at me.

  I had no idea what was happening until he shoved me in front of my mirror, back in my room.

  “Sweet.” My normally blah brown hair had gotten darker. More lustrous. It had also gone from dead straight to falling in loose ringlets to my shoulders. “I’m like the after picture for a hair ad.” Massive delight.

  “That’s your real color,” Theo said. “Persephone’s real color.”

  “Well, it’s extreme makeover time because check out her eyes,” Hannah said. “They’re green. As in brilliant.”

  Theo looked at me a minute then came to stand beside me. “You’re taller too.”