My Ex From Hell (The Blooming Goddess Trilogy)

by Darling, Tellulah

  “A couple of inches,” Hannah agreed.

  I glanced down to see my ankles sticking out of my leggings like a total nerd.

  Hotter, taller me? My whoop of delight was probably heard in China.

  “And I get to live with this now. Thanks,” Hannah muttered at Theo.

  He gave her a grimace of apology.

  “Will my magnificence get cranked to eleven?”

  “Only if we’re truly blessed,” Theo grumbled. “You won’t reach your original height, but yeah, it’s all part of your true persona. Your natural abilities coming through.”

  “How big was my rack?” I asked hopefully.

  “Such tact,” Theo admonished. “I never noticed.”

  “How would big boobs help you save humankind? Unless you’re planning to poke out Hades’ eye with your diamond hard nips.” Hannah rolled her eyes at me.

  “Maybe that was my fiendish plan all along. I am goddess, see me poke.”

  I gnawed on my thumbnail. The thought that humankind’s existence was dependent on me was terrifying. Yes, I had some new memories and yes, I could do wonderful/awful things, but fundamentally, I didn’t feel any different. “It’s not like I suddenly feel this deep sense of purpose or destiny or anything.”

  “You will,” Theo assured me. “As more of your memories return.”

  “Am I going to have to face those … things again?”

  “Probably. ”

  “Things?” Hannah’s eyes lit up at the mention of new, potentially deadly creatures. She fell onto her bed, crossed her legs, and got comfy. “Do tell.”

  Theo flopped himself along the foot of her bed and clued her in. “The Pyrosim are courtesy of Hades.”

  “I called it an Infernorator.” I added my impression. “It reminds me of the dude from ‘The Scream’ except flying and on fire. Power specialty, shooting fireballs.” I squished in between the two of them. I could have sat on my own bed, but I wanted the contact.

  “Pyros, from the Greek for ‘fire,’” Theo added in a helpful manner. “Villain number two was a Photokia. You know. Photo. Light.”

  “Gold Crusher. It must play for Zeus?” I glanced over at Theo and got a confirming nod. “Looks like a biker with an overly active growth hormone. Freaky mutation of choice, gold glowing eyes that shoot electricity. Also, thunderbolts tattooed on its head. In case you forget how it’s going to destroy you.”

  I thought about it a moment. “That’s lovely. Despite the fact Zeus and Hades hate each other, the one thing they can agree on is that they want me dead. Yay me.”

  “Think I could get a blood sample from one?” Hannah mused, clasping her hands under her chin.

  “No,” Theo and I chorused together.

  She was not to be put off. She slitted her eyes and regarded me craftily.

  “You are not dissecting me.” I shoved Theo between us.

  “One little blood sample.” She threw me her most winning smile. “For science. I bet it would prove very interesting.”

  “Stand down, Dr. Frankenstein,” Theo replied. “Her DNA is human.”

  “What now?” I asked. I was overwhelmed.

  Theo thought about it. “The important thing is to stay within the school grounds at all times. You’re back on the radars of Hades and Zeus. We need to keep you safe until you’ve got all your memories and powers in top form. Don’t want you killed before we even get started.”

  “Look at me, all welcomed back into the bosom of my family.” I thought about Bethany and smiled. “No matter. Plenty to make me happy right here.”

  Hannah peered at me. “That look … I’ve seen it before.”

  Theo glanced at me and snorted. “Yeah. In the mirror. It’s bloodlust. Magoo,” he warned, “whatever you’re thinking. No. You don’t just get to Godzilla your enemies. You can’t let anyone else know who you are. Much as you’d like to, no killing Bethany.”

  I rolled onto my back and peered at the ceiling thoughtfully. “What if I just gave her a little anti-face lift? Say in the sixty to eight-five-year-old wrinkle range?”

  Hannah shook her head. “Bethany is at least a quarter human and therefore you’re bound to protect her.”

  “But it’s okay for a leopard to rip into her.”

  “Give me that blood sample. If I find any leopard DNA, she’s all yours.”

  “Come on!” I protested. “There’ve got to be some perks to this stupid destiny.”

  “We should set some ground rules,” Hannah decided. “A code of conduct. Like Dexter has.”

  “I’m a goddess, not a serial killer. I have no codes.”

  “Rule number one,” Hannah stated, “No hurting humans. You can kill all the mythical creatures you want.”

  “They’re not mythical if they’re trying to kill me,” I pointed out.

  “Don’t get uppity with me,” she retorted. “Rule number two, I agree with Theo. No blowing your cover. You are strictly Clark Kent around here.”

  “Couldn’t I at least be Tony Stark?”

  “Yeah, ‘cause that’s subtle,” scoffed Theo. “If I can pull off a meek exterior, so can you.”

  I twisted my head to shoot him a skeptical glance. “That’s your meek exterior? You’re the most sarcastic bastard I know.”

  “You should hear me when I’m not censoring myself.”

  “Rule number three,” Hannah swung her legs off the bed. “To be determined as I see fit. As are rules four through infinity.”

  “You can’t do that.”

  “I just did. And there’s no point huffing about it. See rule one.” She smirked. “You know, now that I’ve got my head around this, I think I’m going to like this new state of being.” She scrunched up her face. “Not like I have a choice. Adapt or die.”

  Neither, apparently, did I. Sophie Bloom, disaffected adolescent, had a new gig; Persephone, savior of all mankind. All right. That didn’t have such a bad ring to it.

  There was still one thing I had to do. Hannah and Theo headed down to dinner but I excused myself, pleading a headache. In reality, I just wanted some alone time.

  After one more quick mirror check of joy, I cracked my laptop open and began to Google myself. There were a zillion variations on my story. I shied away from the ones involving rape and pomegranates. Rape for obvious reasons and pomegranates because it freaked me out that my love of that fruit might have pre-dated my birth.

  I read about how Dad might have been married to Hera but that didn’t stop him whoring around with my real mother. Demeter. Which begged the question of where she was, because allowing me to be kidnapped was a serious parenting oversight. Although, almost better than the thought of me kicking Bethany’s ass was imagining what my true mother would do to Felicia.

  I stared at my screen for a long time, then opened my email and began to type. Dear Your Royal Imperialness Demeter, Goddess of Grain and Fertility, Preserver of Marriage, and Bringer of Seasons, Or can I just call you Mom?

  You’ve read the rest of that email, so as you know, I had nowhere to send it. But boy, did I wish I did. I had a feeling that she was the one person who would tell me the truth.

  Of course there was always Kai, but he’d opened this whole can of worms then disappeared. I had no clue where to find him.

  If I had been reunited with my girlfriend whom I’d thought was dead, I’d be ecstatic. Kai was furious, which made me think that maybe he hadn’t believed I was dead. Maybe he’d been looking for me all this time. That’s why he asked me if it was all a big game.

  In my opinion, even if he was mad that I’d disappeared for sixteen years, he should have come back. If I was his big love, the dummy should have been here kissing me some more. Helping me. Whatever.

  God or human, males were stupid across the b
oard.

  My stomach growled. Being a goddess sure burned calories. I checked my watch and saw that if I hurried, I still had time to nab some chow. Glancing down at my clothing, I realized that it was dirty from my outdoor encounter. I was dismayed to find that my sweater had gotten badly snagged as well. I briefly considered changing but didn’t think I’d have time.

  With my hair coming loose from its elastic, I flew down the hallway toward the cafeteria. As I rounded a corridor, I collided hard with a very solid body. I stumbled back, aware of Principal Doucette saying “Here is one of our juniors, Sophie Bloom. Sophie, meet our new transfer student.”

  I straightened up to find out who had enrolled as our new victim. I mean, student.

  There before me was Kai, in faded jeans, slung low on his hips, and a black sweater. His hair flopped over one eye and he had a slight case of dark stubble along his jaw. Apparently, no detail was too small to notice about this guy. If only I could channel that into something useful. Like homework.

  Kai gave me the once over and his eyes darkened. With an insolent grin, he stuck out a hand for me to shake. “Pleased to meet you, Sophie,” he drawled.

  I stared at his outstretched hand and thought about my disheveled hair, dirty clothes, and general unkempt appearance. If I’d ever thought I’d see him again, it would have been wearing something very different. One of those “bet you’re sorry you can’t have me” outfits. Not a “bet you’re glad you don’t want me” one.

  “Sophie, where are your manners?” Principal Doucette asked.

  Gone, I supposed. Along with rules one and two. I was going to wipe that smirk off Kai’s face if I had to kill him.

  5

  Truth is stranger than prediction

  ε’

  Principal Doucette cleared his throat. “I was hoping you could show Kai around the school.”

  “Sorry, Principal. I'm late for supper.”

  “I'll do it,” Bethany purred, inserting herself between Kai and me. With a subtle stomp on my toes as a special bonus.

  I stepped around her into Kai’s eyeline in time to see him brighten.

  “Works for me,” he told the Principal.

  Jerk. Just because I was dead, didn't make me any less his girlfriend, did it? Considering the circumstances of my demise, I was the only one allowed to be in a snit. He should have been Mr. Adoring, kissing me, not Mr. Asshat flirting with another girl. No. No thinking about his kisses. That way lay madness.

  “Great. Enjoy yourselves.” I stomped off, but not soon enough to avoid seeing Bethany take his arm to lead him away.

  Hannah and Theo were still having dinner when I dumped my tray on their table. The cafeteria had the standard buffet set-up complete with classy plastic trays to carry our food.

  “More death creatures?” Hannah whispered.

  “Worse. Kai is here.”

  “How?” Theo demanded.

  “Beats me. He's our newest transfer student.”

  Theo swore. I'm guessing in Greek.

  “You're really gonna have to teach me some of those. I think they may come in handy,” I said. “Bethany has glommed on to him like a parasite.”

  Hannah craned her neck around.

  “You aren't seriously looking for him, are you? That violates all kinds of rules in the best friend handbook.”

  “I'm curious. You go from not liking any guys to getting all hot and bothered about this one. I'm dying to see the attraction.”

  “It's not attraction,” I retorted. “It's genetic conditioning. Persephone was, so I am too.”

  “Don't think it works like that,” Theo said. “Like it or not, and I don't, your Sophie self is attracted to him on its own.”

  “No. I refuse to have anything in common with Bethany.”

  “I’m more interested in the nature of his feelings for you,” Hannah said.

  I caught sight of them coming our way and scootched down in my seat. “Frak it all,” I swore. “Play it cool.”

  By cool, I meant ignore them. Apparently, I should have detailed it in a memo.

  “Hi,” Hannah said brightly, forcing Bethany and Kai to pause by our table. “I'm Hannah Nygard.” I kicked her, the traitor.

  She shot me a “don’t be stupid” look.

  “Kai.” He slid his gaze over Hannah and Bethany. “You ladies are definitely a sight for sore eyes after the last school I went to.”

  What was I? Chopped liver? Also, he was a giant liar. Kai had grown up roaming Hades and pestering its inhabitants, gods and dead humans alike, for their knowledge. Hey. Look at me all remembering stuff.

  He shook his head sadly and added, “All boys school. We drew lots to see who had to go in drag to the school dances. It wasn't pretty.”

  Bethany tittered.

  “Especially when you stole your dad’s wine and kissed that nymph only to discover that she wasn’t …” I trailed off, vaguely remembering that Kai had told me—well Persephone—that story at some point in strict confidence. Underworld Jr. looked thunderous. Theo was highly amused. He fake coughed, trying to cover a laugh.

  Kai regarded Theo and stuck out his hand. More in a “take it or I’ll kill you” way than in a “nice to meet you” kind of way. “We haven't officially met. Kai.”

  Theo looked at Kai's hand like it was a snake coiled to strike but reluctantly shook it. “Theo.”

  Kai's eyes widened at the contact. “Theo, huh?” he mused.

  Theo didn't flinch. Or break eye contact. “That's my name,” he said.

  “Names are so interesting.” I said to Kai. “Yours is Greek, isn’t it? I’d love to learn all about where you come from.”

  Totally ignored. Kai turned his focus back to Hannah. More precisely, to her chest.

  Hannah arched an eyebrow as she not-so-subtly cleared her throat.

  Kai raised his eyes to hers. “I like a woman with a big …,” he pointed at her T-shirt which read “well endowed” over a picture of a giant brain. “… cerebellum.”

  Hannah leaned forward, seemingly thrilled that he appreciated her science humor. “What’s your first class?”

  “Biology.”

  “Me too. We could be lab partners.”

  Kai nodded. I wondered where this was leading.

  “We’re studying praying mantises. You know, how the female devours her mate? Just rips the head off.” Hannah batted her eyelashes at him. “Maybe you could help me do a live recreation.”

  That was my girl. Always going in for the kill.

  Kai didn’t bat an eye. “As long as it involves mating.”

  What a dog.

  “I love Greece,” Bethany declared, slow on the uptake, pushing her way firmly back into Kai’s attention. “My dad took me there last summer. Beautiful people.”

  “Not as beautiful as you,” Kai replied. He was good.

  I failed to suppress a groan.

  “We done here?” Bethany asked, shooting me a disdainful stare.

  Kai fixed me in his gaze for a split second. “For now,” he murmured low enough for only me to hear. I pulled my gaze away from his eyes and found myself staring instead at his full lips and stubbled jawline. For some reason, the sight of this made me very cranky.

  “I'll catch you later,” Kai promised Theo.

  “Knock yourself out,” Theo replied.

  “Check you out, Bloom,” Anil interjected, doing just that. He stopped beside our table and balanced his food-laden tray on one hand. “New hair cut?”

  “Something like that,” I replied breezily.

  Hannah smirked at the wrestler’s abrupt switch from hitting on her to hitting on me. “Doesn’t she look amazing?”

  I scratched the side of my neck, which only Hannah could see, u
sing my middle finger.

  “It’s a definite upgrade,” Anil agreed.

  I patted my hair and smiled. “Thanks.” Not that I cared about Anil, but all compliments welcome and besides, Kai didn’t look too thrilled. Anil gave me a thumbs up and moved on.

  “Lead on,” Kai directed Bethany, who was only too happy to comply.

  “Ugh.” Hannah groaned when he left. “You've got to be kidding me.”

  I stared at her, confused. “You felt nothing at his voice? His eyes? His body?” I fanned myself.

  “Penisaurus Rex is not my type,” she said. “Could he have hit on me more blatantly? In front of you?”

  I cheered up. Best friends were the greatest.

  “That was the point,” Theo said. “Make Sophie jealous. See how she reacted.”

  “I was Jack Frost, “I replied. “But speaking of reacting, he made you, didn't he?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is that going to be a problem?” I wondered.

  “Not as long as we don't leave the grounds,” Theo assured me. “But the sooner you get your memories back and master your powers, the better.”

  “Theo,” Hannah mused, “why can't you just take up your real form and protect us all that way?”

  He shifted, uncomfortable. “I just can't.” Abruptly he stood up and carried his tray off.

  “Junior year has just gotten much more complicated,” Hannah sighed.

  Had I any idea how much, I may not have slept as soundly as I did that night.

  I awoke on Monday morning ready to face the day. Or, at least, Guidance class. I'd have my ally Ms. Keeper after all.

  I stumbled into the room with seconds to spare before the bell and took my seat. Everyone was buzzing about Kai, who thankfully was not in this class. Which I had counted on, my careful attention to my appearance revealing nothing beyond the desire to please myself.

  Yeah, I hadn’t fooled Hannah earlier, either.

  Ms. Keeper entered and shut the classroom door. “Good morning, everyone,” she said. “For those of you who haven't met me yet, I'm Ms. Keeper. I'll be replacing Mrs. Rivers.”