Going, Going, Gone: Suzie's Story

by Barbara L. Clanton

  "She's still here," Susie whispered in between saying, "Good game," to the Grasse River players.

  "I know," Marlee said over her shoulder. "What do we do?"

  They headed toward the dugout, and Susie positioned herself between Marlee and Bree. "Just don't look at her. Don't even acknowledge her."

  "Easier said than done, man." They ducked into the dugout, glad to be out of sight.

  "If she says anything to you, ignore her if you can." Susie tried to plaster a confident expression on her face, even though she was shaking a little bit inside. "If you can't, then try not to get upset. Stay cool and calm, be respectful, but tell her you don't want anything to do with her."

  Marlee bit her bottom lip. "You make it sound so easy."

  They put their gear away, slung their bags over their shoulders, and slithered toward the exit. Sam and Lisa joined them, and Susie filled them in on their exit strategy.

  Susie positioned herself in the front. Sam and Lisa flanked Marlee, one on each side. "Okay, let's go." Susie opened the dugout gate, and they headed toward Marlee's van.

  Bree leaped up off the bleachers when she saw them and hurried over. "I know you didn't mean what you said. Did you, Marlee?"

  Susie kept walking, the others followed. Marlee didn't say a word.

  "C'mon, after all we've shared already? That's just the tip of the iceberg." Bree's voice sounded confident.

  Susie walked on and weaved her way through the cars. Bree followed them. She called, "Why can't you just say that you like me, too? I know you do."

  Marlee stopped and turned around to face Bree. Sam and Lisa made a human wall in between them, but Susie turned and grabbed Marlee's arm just in case.

  "I don't like you," Marlee said with a shaky voice. "I don't want anything more to do with you." She turned and ran toward her van.

  How Bree broke through the Sam/Lisa wall, Susie didn't know, but she didn't have time to think about it. Bree had almost reached Marlee, but Susie reached out and grabbed her by the shoulder. She pushed Bree back against a parked car and leaned down close to her face. "The girl said she doesn't like you," Susie hissed. "Take a hint and leave her alone."

  Bree didn't even seem to notice that Susie had her pinned. Her head turned as she looked for Marlee.

  Susie wasn't sure what to do. She had expected some kind of reaction from Bree, but had gotten none. She shook the girl by the shoulders and leaned even closer. "Do you hear me?" she said even louder.

  Bree turned her head back around and shot Susie a bored look. "How can I not hear you?" she said calmly. "You're shouting in my face. And you have bad breath, too."

  Disarmed, Susie gave her one last push and backed away. "Just get the hell out of here, idiota." She, Sam, and Lisa blocked the way toward Marlee.

  Bree stood up and made a show of brushing herself off. "What's it to you, anyway?" She pointed toward Marlee sitting in the driver's seat of her van, the engine running. "She can think for herself, you know."

  "Everything okay here?" Susie jumped at the sound of Coach Gellar's voice.

  Susie continued to glare at Bree. It was several long seconds before she answered. "Some people are more bull headed than donkeys around here."

  "Whatever." Bree turned and walked away from them.

  Coach Gellar cocked her head as if trying to figure out what had just happened. "Okay, then. It seems like you have it well in hand. I'll see you on Saturday."

  Susie breathed a sigh of relief as their coach turned away. She, Sam, and Lisa ran to Marlee in the van.

  Marlee opened the side door for them to jump in. Her eyes were red-rimmed. She wiped at them and said to Susie, "What happened to the 'stay cool and calm' part of the plan?"

  "What else was I supposed to do? I didn't have a two-by-four."

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Was it Something I Did?

  SUSIE GOT OUT of bed and stretched. The Nor'easters had gotten up to bat so many times against the struggling Grasse River team the night before, that Susie was a little stiff and weary. Thinking about her impending shopping trip with her mother made her even more tired, and she was tempted to go back to bed.

  After changing into a pair of hip hugger khaki shorts and a Taylor Swift concert t-shirt, she threw on her crocs and was about to head down the stairs to the main house when her cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her back pocket and threw herself on the bed once she saw who it was.

  "Hola, mi vida."

  "Hi, yourself," came Marlee's sultry response.

  "What are you up to this fine morning?"

  "I'm trying to find a giant two-by-four."

  "To hit Bree with?"

  "Yeah." Marlee grunted. "Like you did last night. My hero."

  Susie felt her cheeks warm at Marlee's praise. "I don't know how we're going to get that girl's attention. Dios mío, what kind of two-byfour do we need? Maybe we should call the cops or something. I'm sure Sam's family knows the chief-of-police in East Valley."

  "I don't know." Marlee sounded defeated. "Maybe I should tell my mom at least."

  "Maybe." Susie got off the bed to open a window, her room had gotten rather stuffy and warm. "But you should probably have that other talk first."

  "Don't remind me." Marlee groaned. "Speaking of moms. Good luck on your shopping extravaganza this morning."

  "Aay, don't remind me." Susie laughed and added, "It'll be okay. How much damage can she do to me at Wal-Mart?"

  "Hey, don't kid around like that."

  "Sorry." Neither of them spoke for a moment, but then Susie said, "I miss you."

  "Me, too. I'll see you tomorrow, though. Ask your parents if you can come home with me after the game. Your car is supposed to be done tomorrow morning, right?"

  "Yeah."

  "And we haven't been alone, you know, in a long time."

  "I know." Susie smiled at the thought of being alone with Marlee at Lake Birch in Clarksonville. "Mmm, I think I'll steal my mother's

  car right now and come get you."

  "Can't. Have to work. D'Amico's calls."

  Susie groaned for Marlee's benefit. "Duty calls here, too. Off to shop with Isabella and try to stay sane in the process." She laughed. "I'll ask my dad about going to Clarksonville with you after the game tomorrow."

  "Cool."

  Susie didn't want to be the first one to hang up the phone, and apparently neither did Marlee, so they exchanged several rounds of "No, you hang up first," before deciding to hang up at the same time.

  Susie bounded down the stairs to the driveway. The early August heat wave assaulted her. No wonder her room had been so stifling. Usually the muggy days of August lasted for about two weeks, and then the typical North Country summer of mild days and cool evenings came back until the fall chill set in.

  Susie headed across the hot driveway and opened the door to the mudroom. Losing her nerve, she plopped down on the bench wanting to gather herself before facing her mother. She mourned the closeness she and her mother used to have, hoping one day they could get it back. Maybe they would once the whole mess blew over. If it ever did.

  Susie kicked at her brother's sneakers lying in a heap. With all the drama going on, she hadn't had time to look for a job. She wanted a real one, one she could keep during the school year. Of course, wherever she worked, they'd totally have to understand about softball in the spring. Thinking about softball perked her up, so she flipped her crocs off her feet and felt ready to take on her mother.

  "Mami?" Susie called when she got into the main house. "Are you ready to take Wal-Mart by storm?"

  "Be right down," her mother called from her bedroom. Her voice was almost cheery. Susie's father had gone into the office for the day, and her grandmother sat on the living room couch watching a midmorning talk show.

  "Have a good day, Abuelita." Susie gave her grandmother a hug. She looked up toward the master bedroom. "Wish me luck."

  "Sí, sí." Her grandmother smiled at her. "Be honesty with you mamá."


  Susie held back her smile. She loved her grandmother's attempts to speak English. "I will."

  After receiving a reassuring hug from her grandmother, Susie headed to the kitchen to search for a piece of fruit. Miguel sat at the table eating a bowl of cereal.

  "What's up, hombrecito?" Susie headed toward the fruit on the counter.

  "Nothing." Miguel kept his eyes riveted on the magazine in front of him.

  "Your life sounds really exciting," she said playfully.

  Her brother's magazine page was opened to a picture of some tattooed guy holding a skateboard. Susie rolled her eyes. She hadn't caught him smoking again, so hopefully those days were over, but she hoped he wasn't thinking about tattoos next. She grabbed a banana from the wooden banana tree. The morning mail was sitting on the counter, so she absently sorted through it. She was surprised when she found an envelope addressed to her from Clarksonville Community College. Maybe they were recruiting her to play softball. She laughed and tucked the envelope in her back pocket to open later. There was no way she was going to a community college. She was going to SUNY Brockport to study geology or earth science.

  She turned back around to face her brother. "You want anything from Wally-world?"

  Miguel looked up without smiling. "She's making you go, isn't she?"

  Susie nodded. "I guess she wants some mother-daughter bonding time."

  "I'm glad I'm not you."

  "Aay, it'll be fine. I'm not worried." She was, in fact, just the opposite. "If I don't come back, you can have my weight bench."

  When he still didn't smile, she sat at the table next to him. "I was just kidding."

  "You didn't come home last time."

  "I was at Marlee's. I was okay."

  He looked away for a second and wiped his eyes.

  "I promise," Susie said trying to reassure him. "I was okay."

  "What about your feet? I saw Mami cleaning them up. What happened to you?"

  Susie wasn't sure how much her thirteen-year-old brother would understand. As she tried to figure out what to say, she heard her mother's quick footsteps on the stairs. "Don't worry. I'll be back to bug you. Never fear." She stood up from the table.

  "Promise?"

  "Promise what?" her mother asked as she set her purse on the kitchen table.

  "I promised to get him a pack of baseball cards." She turned back toward him and winked. "What Mets player are you still missing?"

  "David Wright."

  "Ooh, a must for any collection." Bless the kid for playing along. "Ready, Mami?" Susie tried to stay cheerful even though the shopping trip would probably be as icy as things at home had been.

  Susie's mother scooped her purse off the table. "Let's go."

  Susie followed her mother out of the kitchen, but turned around and mouthed to her brother, "I promise."

  He nodded back to her.

  Susie usually drove if she and her mother went anywhere, but her mother got in the driver's seat. Susie hesitated for a second and then went to the passenger side without question.

  "Your feet," her mother said. "You should rest them when you can."

  "Okay." Susie strapped on her seatbelt. At least her mother wasn't ignoring everything in her life.

  Susie turned on the air conditioner and cranked it to high. She breathed a sigh of relief when the cool air flowed from the vents. It was always hit or miss whether the air conditioners in their cars would work after not being used for an entire year, but this year they were lucky.

  Susie's mother pulled the car out of the driveway in silence, and they headed up their street past their neighbors' one-acre properties. Earlier that week, when her mother suggested the shopping trip, Susie decided that she would let her mother run the show, and that included starting all conversations.

  They hadn't quite made it out to C.R. 62 when her mother cleared her throat and said, "It's nice having a day off."

  Ahh, small talk. Susie could handle that. "How did you ever get Mrs. Johnson to give you a day off?"

  "She didn't have a choice. I lose my sick days if I don't take them."

  "And you never take them."

  "I decided that maybe it's time to check in with my family every now and then. And besides," Susie's mother flashed an evil grin at her, "maybe high and mighty Mrs. Johnson needs to get off her ass and work for a change."

  Susie was shocked to hear her mother talk about her boss that way. Usually her mother tried not to upset the balance of power by letting a disparaging word about her boss fly off into the universe.

  "Let's see if she can keep up with all the work I do," her mother continued. "Dios mío, all she does is sit on her butt in the break room eating donuts." Her mother laughed. "Donuts that I bring in."

  Susie shook her head, not quite knowing how to tread on such dangerous territory. "How about all the things I did for her? Cooking, laundry, cleaning, kids, yard work. Forget it."

  Her mother got strangely quiet, and Susie kicked herself for mentioning her babysitting job at Mrs. Johnson's. She and her mother had once been able to talk about things. Why couldn't they talk now? Was it only because her mother knew she liked girls? No, not girls, Susie thought with a smile. Just one girl.

  They rode in silence down C.R. 62 for a while in the heavy Friday morning traffic. Susie wondered where in the world everyone was going at ten thirty in the morning. They stopped for a red light at the post office and her mother glanced at her. "Was it something I did?"

  "What do you mean?" Susie pushed a lock of hair behind her ear as her nerves jangled.

  "Was it something I did that turned you lesbiana? Did I not do enough girly things with you? Should I have made you wear more dresses?"

  "I wear dresses. Not all the time, but sometimes."

  "Softball? Maybe you shouldn't be playing that softball."

  "Mami," Susie said more sharply than she intended. "I love softball. I want to play in college. Maybe I can get a scholarship." There was no way she was going to let her mother take that away from her. She'd move out, sleep in her car somewhere, and be homeless before she'd give that up.

  "I don't know what I did wrong."

  "Why does it have to be about you, Mami? You didn't do anything wrong and neither did I. It's about me. I love her." Dios mío, I can't believe I just said that to my own mother.

  "Marlee."

  "Yeah." Susie looked down at her hands in her lap. She tried not to let her smile show.

  The silence that overtook them was so thick that Susie wanted to open the car window and stick her head out. She thought better of it, though, deciding that the air conditioning that went with the silence was preferable.

  Her mother pulled the car into the Wal-Mart lot and parked in a spot underneath a shady tree far away from the store entrance. "In Puerto Rico, the best parking spots were always the ones in the shade." She flashed a smiled and then added, "I will always love you, mi hija, but I'm struggling to understand this. You're such a pretty girl." She reached over and stroked Susie's auburn hair, the natural version of her own. She pulled her hand back and then smiled. "Lots of boys would like you."

  "Mami, I don't like boys that way."

  "Do you hate men? Your father? Your brother?"

  "I don't hate men. I just don't want to date men, okay?" She tried to keep the irritation out of her voice, but it was getting hard.

  "Do you want to be a man then? Wear men's clothes?"

  Susie groaned. "No, I don't want to be a guy. I'm happy with who I am." Susie wondered where in the world her mother had come up with these ideas.

  "Is she going to be the man?"

  "Mami, no one has to be the man. I'm going to be me, and Marlee is going to be her."

  "Will you get a crew cut? Ride a motorcycle? Get fat and ugly?"

  "Now you're getting insulting. Is that what you think gay women are? Fat, ugly, motorcycle riding women with crew cuts who hate men but want to be them?" This time the anger showed in her voice.

  "But you can get a bo
yfriend, Susana. Roberto likes you. You don't have to pair up with another girl. I don't understand." She shook her head and looked straight ahead.

  It was as if being with a man was the only option her mother could see for her. Susie tried to make sense of where her mother was coming from.

  "Do you think I'll live a lonely and miserable life if I don't have a man?"

  "Who will take care of you?"

  Her mother still didn't get it. "Marlee will take care of me. My friends. My family."

  Susie could almost see the smoke rising from her mother's head as she tried to make sense of Susie's answer.

  "Won't you be lonely, mi hija?" Her mother's voice softened.

  Susie took her cue from her mother and relaxed her own tense shoulders. As gently as she could, Susie said, "I won't be lonely, because I won't be alone. I want to be with Marlee forever. I want to live in a house with her and have a cat and maybe kids." Her mother raised an eyebrow, but Susie rolled on. "We want to be each other's life partners or whatever you call it." She didn't dare say the words 'wife' or 'marriage,' even though gay marriage had become legal in New York. That might send her mother into a tailspin.

  "You're both too young to be making such big decisions."

  "I know, but that's how we feel about each other." Could it be that her mother had actually heard what she said? Could it be that her mother had allowed herself to consider the possibility that she and Marlee could get married?

  "How can two girls support each other? How can you make a family?" Her mother sighed.

  "Lots of les--, uh, lots of women couples have done it." Susie blew out a sigh. She had been about to say the word 'lesbian' to her mother. Susie wasn't comfortable with the word herself, and knew her mother wasn't too keen on it either.

  Her mother looked at her for a long time, the invisible smoke still streaming from her head. She turned the car off, threw her keys into her purse, and said, "C'mon, I need some shopping therapy."

  "Okay," Susie took off her seatbelt, "let's go." She fell in step with her mother and threw out the best olive branch she could think of. "Hey, Mami, didn't you say sundresses were on sale?"