Serenity

by Ava O'Shay

  “I don’t want anything but to spend the day with you. You don’t owe me. And if you did, it wouldn’t be paid off this way. I am not like the others. I don’t want your hands on me.” His voice was low and firm.

  Ren lowered her chin so she wouldn’t see the disappointment in Jolin’s eyes. “I wasn’t doing it for you,” she whispered.

  Jolin dropped her hands and stepped back. “What?”

  Ren cleared her throat. “Never mind.” She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it tight against her scalp. “I don’t know why I keep telling you stuff. Just forget it. I won’t touch you again.”

  Jolin looked like he was going to say something then shook his head, changing his mind. “I made you scrambled eggs.” He brushed past her and scooped them out of the pan onto a plate. “Here.” He shoved the plate at her.

  “Thanks.” She took it and settled against the counter. Slowly, she ate. Jolin watched her.

  “Stop staring at me,” she said.

  Jolin didn’t say anything, but continued to stare.

  Ren shoveled the eggs in her mouth, placed the dish in the sink then left the kitchen. She didn’t like how he was looking at her and needed some space.

  Jolin followed her into the living room and settled on the couch. Turning on the television, he flipped though channels until he found The Price is Right, then reached out and pulled her down on the couch in between his legs.

  Ren sat stiffly, one leg across the couch while the other hung over the edge. Jolin shifted and pulled her completely on the couch and situated her into the curve of his body.

  “Relax,” he said into her hair.

  Ren tried to relax and moved so her head rested more comfortably in the crook of his shoulder. He smelled so good, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Are you smelling me?” He chuckled.

  “No.”

  “Yes you were.”

  Ren tried to pull away, but he held on. “It’s okay if you were.” He buried his nose into her hair. “Because I love the way you smell.”

  Ren’s heart fluttered.

  They sat silently watching player after player try and guess the prices of dish soap and soup. Every once in a while Jolin would mutter a price or guess an item behind a curtain. It was the most relaxed Ren had ever been.

  “When I was little.” Jolin surprised her by saying something other than a comment about the show. “When I was sick. My mom would set me up here on the couch and I’d get to watch The Price is Right with her. We’d compete for the final show down.”

  “That’s nice.” Ren moved so her butt fit closer to his. Jolin shifted a little, and Ren smiled to herself.

  “Stop trying to give me a hard on.”

  Ren frowned and tried to get up, but Jolin just tightened his arm around her waist and kept her in place.

  “Why do you do it?” Jolin whispered.

  “What?”

  “Why do you think all you have to offer is a blow job? Why do you let people use you?”

  She tried to get up again, but when he tightened his grip again she gave up. “I don’t let people use me. I use them.”

  “I don’t see it that way.”

  “Too bad.”

  “Ren.”

  Ren shifted quickly and released herself from his hold, but instead of getting up and moving away, she turned and faced him. Drawing her legs up and wrapping her arms around them. “It’s the only time I feel like I’m in control.”

  Jolin laughed. “That’s messed up.”

  Ren rubbed her nose then tried to explain. “When I was little, I didn’t have a say in anything. All I could do is take what was given. Until I took control of the men. Until I learned what they wanted. When I have a dick in my mouth…you…Brock…whoever, is at my mercy. You are putty in my hands, so to speak. I can bring you to your knees and there is nothing you can do about it. At least that anyone wants to do about it. Until you. You told me to stop. Twice now.” She smiled. “I know it’s fucked up, but I guess when you feel like you’re speeding through life with no say on your future…you grab what you can get.”

  “Yeah, that’s totally messed up.” Jolin ran his hand up and down Ren’s arm. “So in the kitchen, you wanted to take back some sense of control? From me?”

  “You know too much. You have an upper hand on me, and I needed to feel like I got it back. Like I had something on you. It’s an addiction. I crave that control.”

  “I don’t want to have sex or your mouth on me for any other reason than you are in love with me.” Jolin’s cheeks turned pink at his words.

  Ren lowered her chin onto her knees, enjoying the feel of Jolin’s hand as it continued to make small circles on her arm. “You were my first real kiss.”

  Jolin made a choking sound.

  “Guys have kissed me before but…” Ren looked up at the ceiling. “God, when I kissed you that day and you kissed me back. It scared the hell out of me. Totally threw me off my game.”

  A huge grin filled Jolin’s face.

  “Don’t be so proud of yourself.”

  “Hey. It isn’t every day I get complimented on my skills.”

  Ren raised her eyebrow.

  Jolin grabbed his chest. “Lord have mercy. When you do that, I have to remind myself I’m a gentleman.”

  “Why does everyone say that?” Ren laughed.

  “Okay. I’m not going to ask who everyone is and just let that conversation die.”

  Ren laughed again.

  Jolin took her hand and threaded his fingers through hers. “It was pretty intense.”

  “Not tooting your own horn or anything.” Ren fidgeted with the edge of an afghan hanging over the back of the couch. “I didn’t do it to ruin you.”

  “Do what?”

  “I didn’t take Brock’s money to ruin you. I did it to screw Elizabeth.”

  “She’s not a nice person.”

  “Then why did you date her?”

  “The million dollar question.” Jolin rubbed his thumb over her hand.

  Ren waited.

  “I got caught up in the hype. I was flying high on football. Was reaching my dream. Colleges were calling, we were picked to make it to state. It seemed like it fit. Elizabeth and me.” He stopped and a thoughtful look crossed his face. “My dad was happy, and I wanted that.”

  “It’s fucked up how the school worshiped you, and then dropped you like a hot coal when you got hurt.”

  “Yeah, but that’s how it goes I guess.”

  “Are you trying to sleep your way back to the top? With Elizabeth?”

  “Yeah.” He laughed.

  “Is it working?” She wasn’t sure if the feelings she had were disgust for him being with Elizabeth or jealousy that he was giving himself to someone so unworthy of his affection. She shouldn’t feel anything. How was what he was doing different from what she did? Sex for a purpose.

  “Not exactly.”

  Ren shifted and pulled her hand away. “I know why I was with Ty, but I wonder how you can kiss me like you do, and then fuck around with Elizabeth.”

  “I was using her to get my life back.” Jolin sat up. “After the accident I felt like everything was taken away. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Football was my dream. Everyone was walking away. Even my dad walked out of my life.” Jolin rested his head in his hands. “Even my fucking dad.”

  Ren hesitated then ran her hand down his back.

  “I didn’t know what I was doing. I was grasping at straws. Trying to hold onto something. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted.” He looked up at Ren. “We aren’t so different. We both used sex to get back some sense of control.”

  “I don’t have sex.”

  “I think it is defined as sex after that whole Monica Lewiski scandal during Clinton’s administration.”

  “I don’t think of it as sex,” she repeated.

  “So you never have…you know?” Jolin hesitated to ask.

  “Does it surpris
e you that your girlfriend is actually more sexually active than me?” She straightened, challenging him.

  “Well yeah. I guess. I mean after everything you told me, I can’t imagine someone didn’t grab you and bang you.”

  “I told you, I’m good. No one has the strength to grab me when I’m done.”

  Jolin put his head in his hands again. “I don’t think I want to know about that.”

  Ren rubbed his back again. “Sure you do. Aren’t you curious?”

  Jolin pushed her hand off him. “Don’t do that, Ren. Don’t play games like that. If we’re going to make this work, you can’t be doing that to me.”

  Ren shot off the couch. “Make what work?”

  Jolin stood, too. “Us. Didn’t you listen to anything I said? I’m here Ren. I’m not walking away.”

  “What if I don’t want you here?”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Well.” She stopped.

  Jolin raised his eyebrow this time.

  “I don’t need your help,” she whispered.

  “No? Because I need you.” Jolin reached out and grabbed her hands. “I need you, Ren.”

  “For what?”

  “To be my…” He paused. “My girlfriend, I guess.” He smiled. “I want to walk into the school holding your hand. I want to take you to Homecoming. I want to spend every minute I can with you until graduation, and then I want to figure out the rest together.”

  Ren opened her mouth but nothing came out.

  “Will you be my girlfriend?”

  “I owe a debt to Brock, and he expects me to pay.”

  “What? Another blow job? That isn’t happening. Besides my mom isn’t letting you leave here. Quill can stay as well if he wants. Your mom is not an issue anymore. You don’t need Brock.”

  Ren wouldn’t look at him. “I can’t stay here. My mom will get out and I’ll go home. My life will go on just like it was before I became your lab partner…and so will yours.”

  “Just try and tell my mom that. She is hell bent on having a daughter, and you fit the bill. Her only rule is we have to go to school and I can’t sleep in your room again.”

  Jolin

  Tuesday, October 28

  8:00 a.m.

  He watched her expression change from stubborn, to surprised, to relieved. Her cheeks turned pink when he mentioned the rule about not sleeping in the same room. He wanted to grab her and press his mouth to hers and kiss her senseless. But he’d made such a big deal about not wanting her for her skills, he thought he’d better restrain himself. However, he wasn’t sure how much longer it was going to last.

  “Stay,” he said again.

  “I don’t want your mom thinking we’re doing anything. I don’t want her to know what I do,” she whispered.

  Her softness was his undoing. “Ren, I have to kiss you now, and I want you to know that’s all I want. I’m not asking for anything else. But God, I need to taste you.”

  Ren looked shocked at his words, slowly sucking her lip ring into the corner of her mouth. He closed his eyes and moaned. “Lord, Ren you undo me.” With one step he had Ren in his arms. “I will never intentionally hurt you. We’re screwed up, but we’ll figure it out.”

  Ren nodded, then placed her soft lips against his. Slowly, Jolin moved his mouth against hers. Threading his fingers through her hair, he cradled her head and deepened the kiss. Drawing her tongue into his mouth, he sucked on it, twisting his own around hers. The feel of her lip ring was his undoing, the warmth of the stud in her tongue had his dick throbbing, but they weren’t going there. He ran his free hand under her sweatshirt, touching the smoothness of her bare shoulders. Her hands found their way under his T-shirt, pulling it up to slip over his head. They broke their connection only long enough to release the shirt from around him. Her mouth was like heaven. Her scent was intoxicating. He was losing himself in her. And that was why he pulled away. His breathing was labored as he rested his forehead on hers.

  “We don’t have to stop,” Ren suggested. “I’m offering. Don’t feel like you’re pressuring me.”

  “No,” he croaked. “No.” Jolin smiled as he realized she was as breathless as him. “You feel it too… right? Tell me you feel it.”

  “I feel it. I feel completely out of control. I don’t like that feeling.”

  “It scares me, too, baby. I don’t want you taken away from me like everything else. My heart is as fragile as yours.”

  -oOo-

  They spent the rest of the day sprawled on the couch, kissing, and laughing about the better memories of elementary school. After dinner they ended up laying across Jolin’s bed looking at pictures from their third grade class.

  “I’m not in any of these.” Ren rolled onto her back, holding a few photos above her head.

  “My mom took them so I don’t take any responsibility.” Jolin rolled over, supporting his body over hers. He ducked his head between her arms and rubbed his nose against hers.

  “I’ve never had a day like this.” Ren let the photos drop and linked her hands around the back of Jolin’s neck, scraping her fingernails along his hairline.

  Jolin closed his eyes and let out a quiet moan.

  “Thank you. If I never have another day like this, thank you.” Ren giggled and continued to run her fingers into his cropped hair. “I could make it better…for you.”

  Jolin didn’t open his eyes. He lowered his lips to hers and softly kissed her. “No. Thank you, Ren. You saved me from myself, and I will strive every day to make you know how much that means to me and my mom.”

  Ren took his bottom lip between her teeth. Jolin’s hips ground into her.

  His eyes snapped open, and he quickly climbed off her.

  Ren sat up and huffed. “Seriously, Jolin are you going to run away from me everytime I do something you like?”

  “If it is pushing my limit on control? Then hell yes.”

  She got on her hands and knees and crawled across the bed. “Jolin.”

  He turned around and crossed his arms. “I told you. Until we get the screwed up out of our heads, all we do is kiss. Everything else is off limits. I don’t want you thinking I’m using you, and I don’t want to question if you are manipulating me. You really don’t want to give me a blow job. You just feel like I’m getting too close. You want the upper hand for the two seconds it will take me to blow when your lips hit my cock.”

  Ren flopped over on her side and laughed. “You’ll take longer than two seconds.”

  Jolin crawled over her again and kissed her to stop her laughter. “Baby, just looking at you makes me want to come. I don’t stand a chance.”

  “In a crude sort of way, that’s sweet.”

  “It was meant to be sweet.” Jolin pressed a hard kiss to her mouth and climbed off the bed.

  He settled in his chair, putting his feet up on the desk. “Have you heard from Quill?”

  “I texted him yesterday, but haven’t looked at my phone again. He has a girl he stays with. He was only at the house the other night because he was picking up some stuff. Probably stealing pot off my mom. He doesn’t stay often.”

  “You can’t smoke pot in the house.”

  “I don’t even have pot. God, Jolin, give me a break.”

  “Just saying. You smoked it the last time you were here.”

  “Because I was flipping out about why I was here. I needed to relax, or I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

  “I thought you craved the control?”

  “Not with you. I never had control when it came to you. Still don’t.” She winked.

  “Yeah I kind of struggle with that, too.” He winked back.

  “So you seriously want to walk into school tomorrow as a couple?” Ren nervously picked at the blanket on his bed.

  Jolin swirled in a circle on his chair. “One hundred percent. I’ll drive tomorrow so if things get touchy we can bail.”

  “Yeah, like your girlfriend trying to jump me.”

  “They’
re cheerleaders not MMA fighters. They aren’t going to jump you.”

  Ren snorted.

  “Did they say they were going to jump you?” Jolin stopped spinning in his chair and rested his elbows on his knees.

  Ren looked up, then pointed to the bruise along her jaw. The one he had kissed.

  “No fucking way!” Jolin jumped up. “Shit, Ren, hardly any of your injuries actually happened last night. What are you, the town punching bag?”

  Ren shrunk back.

  He stopped his rant and noticed Ren’s posture. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “They cornered me at the party. One of them hit me.”

  “You going to tell me who?”

  “Nope. Doesn’t matter.”

  “I don’t want them hurting you.” Jolin sat beside her on the bed. “I don’t want you hurting you.”

  Ren snorted a sarcastic laugh.

  “I’m serious.” He took her bandaged arm in his hand. “No more of this. No more hurting yourself. If you feel angry or frustrated come to me or my mom, but don’t take it out on yourself.”

  “When did you get your PhD in counseling?” Ren teased.

  “I’m serious. I don’t want to see this anymore.”

  “It isn’t that easy, and it isn’t something I can promise.”

  Jolin threaded his fingers through hers. “They were worried after the accident. I had to talk to a guy at the hospital before they let me out. I was on some pills for depression for a week or so, and then I tossed them. Made me feel numb. I’d rather feel crappy than nothing.”

  “Sometimes I feel too much, and I have to let it out.” Ren sniffed.

  “Please try not to do it anymore.”

  Ren gave him a sad smile. “I can’t promise that.”

  Serenity

  Wednesday, October 29

  6:30 a.m.

  Jolin’s plan sucked.

  Ren dressed in her normal attire. Feeling much more like herself after a day in sweatpants and no makeup. When she emerged from the bedroom, Jolin hadn’t looked overly happy. He seemed to prefer her more subdued.

  “I’m wearing pants.” She held her hands out to her side.

  “I didn’t say anything,” Jolin countered.