Serenity

by Ava O'Shay

  Jolin let her arms go and sat back, supporting himself so he wasn’t crushing her. His gaze was serious. Maybe he was going to let her off the hook after all.

  “So, where do things stand with you and Brock?”

  Ren was speechless for a minute, surprised at his question. “He dumped me.”

  Jolin snorted again.

  “After you left me in the hall.” This time Ren held up her hand. “I know, just listen. He pulled me to the side and told me to stay away from him because he had everything he wanted. That was when he told me his dad was kicking us out.”

  “So he isn’t going to come around anymore?”

  “He wasn’t my boyfriend.” Ren shifted, trying to get out from under him. She wasn’t going to tell him she offered herself up to him anyway he wanted in a last ditch effort to keep the house.

  “I don’t want him holding anything over you.”

  “We’re done. Totally. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.” Then she added. “What about Elizabth?”

  “You know that boat sailed.”

  “You could probably get her back if you wanted to. You know the school did choose you as their king.”

  “I don’t want her back. She was using me. I thought you understood that. You do understand that don’t you?”

  Ren scowled. “Using you for what?”

  Jolin’s cheeks turned pink.

  “What?” she asked again.

  “Sex. Okay. She likes sex, and she wanted to have me around so she could take Brock’s status without having to give up the sex. She has a rep as a goody-goody.”

  Ren didn’t know what to say. In a weird way he was used in the same way she’d been. Sex was a tool to get what you wanted…nothing more.

  Jolin rubbed his face. “Jesus Ren, say something.”

  “I’m sorry she did that to you. I know how it feels to be used,” Ren finally said. “Does she still can you for a booty call?”

  “No. I told her to stop.”

  “So you two are over?”

  “Completely one-hundred percent. I don’t want her. I’m not sure I ever really did,”

  “Okay. So I guess we’re both single.” Ren smiled.

  “I guess we are.” He reached around his back and pulled something out of his pocket, holding it close so she couldn’t see what it was.

  “I have something for you.” Jolin’s voice was so sincere. Ren felt a tug at her heart.

  “Okay?” Ren said, drawing out the word.

  Slowly, Jolin opened his hand to show her a tiny white, plastic horse.

  Ren squinted up at him. “Okay?” she said again.

  Jolin huffed before explaining. “It’s my white horse.”

  Ren let out a loud laugh then covered her mouth. The weight of what he said hit her, and she felt the tears bubbling up again. She’d told him he had rode in on his white horse and saved her.

  Jolin placed the horse on her chest and reached around his back again. This time he pulled out a piece of blue construction paper.

  Almost immediately a lump formed in her throat. With shaking hands, she took the paper from him and read what he had written in crayon across the front. Will you go to prom with me? Small globs of glue held sparkles on the corners. Along the bottom of the invitation Jolin had written in pen, An invitation only eight years late, but I have come back on my white horse and am here to make up for every day I missed spending with you. I will not let you miss this one!

  Ren felt the tears she’d been holding backslide from her eyes as she took the paper invitation so similar to the one he had given her for his tenth birthday. “Yes. I’ll go with you.” Her words were just a whisper.

  Jolin lowered his face to hers again, kissing her once, then twice before pushing her lips apart with his own. Ren wrapped her arms around his neck. His body lowered onto hers, pushing her into the soft mattress. He ran a hand down her side, cupping her ass and squeezing. A moan emerged from him as his hips moved against Ren. She shifted, running her hands down his back, finding their way under his shirt. His muscled back felt so good against her palms, she felt herself getting lost in him. His touch, his smell, his feel… Ren’s body tensed for only a moment before her protective walls went up, and her motions turned mechanical.

  Jolin stopped abruptly, looking up at her. “Ren?” he whispered, running a finger down her cheek. “Look at me.”

  Ren shifted to meet his stare.

  “Ren?” Jolin repeated.

  Ren blinked slowly, bringing herself back from where she shut off her emotions.

  “I’m not like the others. I’m not asking for anything you aren’t willing to give me.”

  “I want to give you what you want.”

  “I want you, not some robot who closes themselves off because they’re afraid to trust that I won’t hurt them.” Ren moved out from under him to the edge of the bed. Resting her elbows on her knees, she tried to think of something to make this better. But nothing was going to make it better. She wanted to let Jolin love her…but she wasn’t sure how.

  Jolin flopped on the bed draping an arm over his eyes. “I know you’re scared but you don’t have to be of me.” He was silent a beat before adding, “I know about before.”

  Ren didn’t say anything.

  Finally, Jolin sat up and crawled over to where she sat, wrapping his arms around her from behind. Ren pulled away and moved across the room.

  “What?” Jolin held up his hands confused.

  “What are you saying,” Ren whispered.

  Jolin kneeled on the bed, his hands resting on his thighs. “I know about before. You told me everything the night you got wasted. I’m still here Ren. Nothing you could tell me would chase me away.”

  “It should.”

  “I’m still here.”

  Ren slowly walked forward until she stood in front of him. “What aren’t you getting? I’m damaged goods. Violated in almost every way possible since I was eleven. As much as I may want you to save me…you can’t. I don’t know how to let anyone love me. Sex is a weapon people use to get what they want. No matter how many times you tell me different I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think of it as anything else. You deserve someone who can love you the way you love.”

  Jolin tried to grab her hands.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “That isn’t me.”

  Jolin sat back on the bed again. “Jesus Ren. How many times are we going to do this? It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. I am in love with you. I can’t tell my heart to turn off.” He stood up and pulled her arms away from where she’d crossed them. “I know you love me.”

  Ren huffed and tried to pull away.

  “I’ll take that as a yes. I don’t care about your past. All I care about is working on the future. Now. Let’s go find you a homecoming dress,” he whispered into her ear.

  -oOo-

  The mall was packed, or at least it seemed packed to Ren. She hadn’t really ever been to the mall. Most of her shopping was at second hand stores and thrift shops.

  “I’m not really the prom dress type.” Ren hesitated to move further into the crowd of shoppers. “Or the mall type.”

  Jolin glanced back at her, then laced his fingers to hers and gave her a tug. “We’ll find something you like.” He placed a kiss into her hair.

  “I am not wearing anything pink.”

  Jolin laughed and shook his head. “You’d think I don’t know you at all.”

  He dragged her into a small boutique. The dresses had a lot of sparkles. Another thing she wasn’t fond of. He touched a few dresses as they passed through, then stopped at a rack filled with black and red dresses. “Aren’t these your favorite colors?”

  “I don’t actually have a favorite color.”

  “My only request is you wear something that won’t make every guy in the room want to jump you. I don’t want to beat anyone’s ass while I’m in a tux.”

  “You’re going to wear a tux?” Ren smiled.


  “Yes. And let me tell you, I will look amazing.”

  She laughed. “I don’t have the money to buy a dress like these.”

  “I do.”

  Ren shook her head. “I don’t….”

  Jolin held up his hands. “God dammit, Ren. Every time I do something for you I don’t expect a fucking blow job. And every time I touch you, I don’t want you closing yourself off thinking I’m going to push you…or try to take something from you. You’ve met a whole shit load of nasty bastards in your life but I’m not one of them. Don’t ruin this for me. I’m homecoming king.”

  Ren narrowed her eyes at him, then turned to escape the nightmare she’d let herself get pulled into. Of course he would think she was talking about giving him a blow job, it’s what she did. She’d let herself believe he understood her, but she was wrong.

  “Fuck you, Jolin. You think you know everything. You don’t know a fucking thing about me.”

  Jolin caught her arm before she got to the door. Wrapping an arm around her waist, he held on tight as she tried to get loose. “I’m sorry. Ren. Stop.”

  Ren hissed at him, “I wasn’t saying I was going to give you a blow job you fucking ass. I was going to say I don’t deserve you buying me nice things.”

  He buried his head into her hair. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t do this if you think that about me.” She pulled free and turned on him.

  “And I can’t do this if you run away and shut yourself off every time we get close. I told you, I’m not going to push you.”

  Ren lowered her gaze to the floor. “I needed money.” She stole a look his way. “I had no other choice.”

  “We always have a choice,” Jolin whispered.

  “In your life. Not mine.” Ren stepped away. “If you think I had a choice when I was being sodimized then I think we’ve gone about as far as we can in this relationship.”

  Jolin’s eyes got huge. “I d-d-didn’t mean,” he stuttered.

  Shit she’d pushed him back into his stuttering. But he hurt her when he said we all have choices.

  “Did you think I could have walked away? Told a teacher I had a man’s dick in my ass last night and couldn’t do my homework, and they would have looked at me the same. Or that I could have gotten a few more jobs during my free time so we would have money? Are those the choices I had?” The sales lady was staring at them from behind the counter. Ren wiped a tear of frustration from her cheek.

  Jolin glanced back at the clerk then grabbed Ren’s elbow and pulled her into the back of the store. “No I don’t think you made wrong choices. I don’t think you thought you had any other option. I think a lot of other people in your life should have made better choices.”

  Ren hated when he got all mature and understanding. She couldn’t fight with him when he did that. She looked up at the ceiling and drew in a deep breath. “I didn’t want it. I didn’t like it.”

  “I never said you did. I can’t imagine being…I just can’t imagine.” Jolin flexed his hands. “Someone should have stopped it.” Jolin sighed. “Let me do nice things for you.” He reached out and ran his hand down her arm, stopping to interlace their fingers. “Without thinking it’s code for I want something more.”

  “I’m trying.” She looked up at him, hoping he could understand the depth of what she was about to say. “No one has ever done anything for me without wanting something in return. I don’t know how to do this.”

  “Let’s start by letting me buy you a dress.”

  “Not pink and fluffy.” Ren tried to smile.

  “Fluffy?” He wrinkled his nose.

  “You choose one you like and I’ll choose one I like, and we’ll see which is better.

  Jolin’s face lit up. “Okay. Meet back here in five.” He clapped his hands and took off in the opposite direction.

  In five minutes, Ren stood by the dressing rooms with a deep red, short dress. Jolin appeared with a long, black shimmering number draped over his arm.

  “That looks too fancy.” Ren pointed at the dress.

  “Have you been to homecoming before?” he said like a know it all.

  “No.”

  “Then don’t question my choices.” He handed the dress over and shoved her in the direction of the dressing room. “Do yours first.”

  Ren entered the dressing room.Sinking down to the small bench, she lowered her head into her hands, then sat up and started searching for the price tag on the dress he gave her.

  “I took the tags off,” he yelled over the door.

  “Ass,” she mumbled to herself.

  “I heard that.”

  “You were supposed to.” Ren pulled her T-shirt off, kicked her boots off, then shimmied out of her tight jeans. Standing in her shabby sports bra and old thin panties didn’t make her feel very glamorous. The dress wasn’t going to work with her bra. Reluctantly, she slid it off her shoulders and unhooked it, burying it in her clothes. With a sigh, she stepped into her pick. Wiggling her hips straightened it, then contorting her body she tried to zip it up. No luck.

  “How’s it look?” Jolin knocked.

  “Awesome,” she mumbled turning around in a circle, chasing the zipper.

  “Let me see.”

  “I can’t get it zipped.”

  “Then how do you know it looks awesome?”

  “I can tell.”

  “Let me in.”

  “No way.” She laughed.

  “Let me help.”

  Ren waited a moment then unlocked the door. Holding her arms across her chest she stepped back to let Jolin in.

  “Wow,” Jolin breathed out. “You look hot.”

  Ren frowned. “Stripper hot or high school hot?”

  “Hot, hot. Turn around and I’ll zip you.”

  The dress was short and a shimmery red. It looked fine except for the fact it was strapless and her scars and most resent cutting incident were out in the open for all to see.

  Jolin ran a hand lightly down her forearm, ending at her fingertips. “You look beautiful.”

  Ren pouted as she turned in the mirror. “I can’t wear it. It doesn’t have sleeves.”

  “Gloves?” Jolin offered.

  Ren shook her head. “Let me try yours.”

  Jolin grinned and grabbed it from the wall.

  “Get out,” Ren ordered.

  Jolin tried to frown, but it was lost in his exuberance over his choice. “Don’t take it off before I get to see it.”

  Ren turned him by the shoulders and pushed him out the door.

  Once she actually looked at the dress, she realized it was quite simple. And it had sleeves.

  She put her fingers to her mouth, suppressing the lump forming in her throat. Jolin had thought enough to get a dress with sleeves.

  Ren slipped the dress over her head and let the soft fabric fall around her. She had to admit, she look good. The dress was sophisticated, but still appropriate for high school. There was a bodice built into to dress that skimmed over her breasts like the corset she sometimes wore. A silk ribbon crisscrossed the back cinching up the waist. A tear escaped and Ren quickly wiped it away and cleared her throat.

  “Everything okay?” Jolin called through the door.

  Ren cleared her throat again. “Yeah. I think this one will work.

  No one ever paid attention to Ren unless it was for what they could get from her. Jolin picked out a dress that embraced her steampunk attitude while covering her scared arms. He not only saw her, he understood her.

  Ren slid the dress off, put her clothes back on and flung open the door. Jolin must have been standing on the other side resting his head against the door because he came tumbling in head first.

  “Whoa,” he said stumbling into her. “Hey, I wanted to see it.”

  Ren wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. “Nope. Not until tomorrow night.”

  “It isn’t a wedding dress.”

  Ren tried to keep her emotions in check and hugged h
im harder. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  Jolin returned the hug and kissed her temple. “I did good then?”

  “Yeah, you did good.”

  Jolin

  Saturday, November 15

  Homecoming

  6:00 p.m.

  Ren took his breath away on normal days, but when Brenda and Quill opened the door to their new apartment, he was literally knocked back. Ren stood in the tiny living area with her back to him. The laces had been tightened and a small bow sat below the center of her back. Her hair was pulled up so her glorious back above the bow was exposed. When she turned to look at him, he gasped. Actually gasped like in the movies. Her make-up and hair were beautiful. Although seeing her in one of hisT-shirts was his favorite look this one was a close second.

  “Fuck dude, get a grip, it’s just Ren.” Quill pushed past him to get out the door.

  Jolin ignored his bad attitude and walked over to where Ren stood. Her confident look was wavering.

  “How do I look?”

  “I am at a total loss.” He ran a hand over his gelled hair. “I mean I knew the dress was great but…I mean…’fucking A’ Ren!” He couldn’t suppress the giant smile that spread across his face.

  Brenda cleared her throat. “Not the way I would describe this ravishing beauty, but if that’s what the kids call it these days, I’ll go with it.” She walked over to Ren and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Have fun sweetie. Stay out of trouble.”

  Ren’s chin quivered, and her eyes took on a glassy look. “I can’t go, Jolin. I can’t ruin this night by being around Elizabeth and Brock and Ty. I want it to be perfect…like right now. This is what I imagined when you invited me to the birthday party. This is perfect.”

  Jolin grabbed her flailing hands and threaded his fingers through hers, pulling her into his chest. “We are meeting Akeo at the diner for dinner, and then going to the dance. I will not leave your side the entire night. I will not let another person speak unkind words to you. I will not let anyone but me dance with you. And we might even have fun.”