A Monk's Tail

by Kyle Spencer

  “And the last one you received was a bunch of red silken swords or something?”

  “The last message was supposed to arrive three weeks ago.” She holds her hands up to show the air in them. “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? What’s nothing?”

  “I don’t know. But it can’t be good.”

  “Then let me flip the original question back to you.” I join her on the railing and copy her chin-in-elbow stance. “What do you plan on doing when we get back home?”

  “Find my father.”

  “Okay…good start. And then?”

  “I dunno. I guess fly by the seat of my robes. Or whatever I happen to be wearing at the time.” A shadowy tongue pokes out at me.

  “You laugh, but I always say that nothing can fuck with your plans if you don’t have any.” I waggle a finger at her.

  “Ooooo! So profound.” Her tongue waggles back.

  “Thank you. I’ve always considered myself a kind of philosopher king, or maybe a warrior poet, or even possibly - what was that?” Something in the shadowy depths of the ocean catches my attention.

  “Haha. Funny.”

  “No, no seriously. Something just swam under the boat.”

  “How can you even see anything down there? It’s the middle of the night and the ocean is pitch black.”

  “No shit. But you know how even in the middle of the night you can see a shadow moving. Y’know, that blacker than black kind of look? No shape or anything to it, just…shadow.”

  “Maybe a shark?” Talia peers over the railing, scanning the surrounding waters.

  Something doesn’t feel right. The deck suddenly becomes cold. Real cold. Almost as if whatever was swimming underneath brought the chill with them.

  “Hey, Leena! Wake up!”

  “Gah! Stopping hitting the vial! I’m up! I’m up! Bluh…I don’t feel so good.”

  “Probably all that curry you ate.”

  “No, that’s been the best part of this trip so far. Nngh, feels like I’m constantly spinning and…something’s here. Something bad.”

  “Is it another spirit?” Talia asks intently.

  “Yyyy-No. No it’s like a spirit, but not.”

  “Not helpful.” I grumble.

  “Bite me.” Leena spits back.

  “You wish.”

  “No, you wish.”

  “Well now that you mention it I’m actually pretty - ow!”

  “Focus you two!” Talia smacks me again for good measure. “Leena, is whatever-that-thing-is still around?”

  “It’s on the ship now.”

  “Oh shit we need to warn everyone!” I break for the stairwell but Talia stops me.

  “Susi!” Her eyes are wide. We dash down the stairs into our quarters. Only when we see Susi safely nestled fast asleep in her hammock do we breathe a sigh of relief. Or just breathe in general. The maus yawns loudly and rolls over in a little bundle of fur and blankets.

  As she does a long shadow rises from the floor below. The edges of it waver like ink on water and the shape stretches and contracts, making a resemblance to any living thing impossible. Except its eyes. Pale yellow cat eyes that freeze the blood in your heart. They loom menacingly over Susi, glaring down at her before looking around at the rest of the cabin. When they fall on us the whole shadow freezes.

  “Quick!” Leena shouts. “Kill it kill it kill it!”

  Before I even blink Talia is at Susi’s side, punching over the hammock and into the shadow’s stomach (maybe?). The air around her grows heavy with fog and morning dew gathers on the edges of her ears. She punches again and again as the dewdrops turn to little motes of ice. The shadow seems unaffected.

  Susi shivers and stirs out of her sleep as the shadow descends into the floor, allowing Talia one final goodbye punch between its eyes. Her fist whiffs at darkness, but the eyes don’t go down any further; a tiny pink glove chokes the shadow off, quite literally. A hazy green aura that rivals Talia’s blue one envelopes the maus. The shadow’s eyes go from pale yellow to swamp gas green. There’s no panic in the two green orbs, simply relief as the blackness melts away through Susi’s grasp with a slight hiss. The last few drops land in a puddle on the floor and quickly evaporate into nothingness.

  “What.” Leena starts.

  “The fuck.” Talia breathes.

  “Was that?” I finish.

  “*Snooooorrrreee* *Snort* Why yes, I would like all the crepes.” Archy adds from his hammock across the way.

  “That,” Susi sniffles and rubs her glove across her nose, “Was a Schatten.”

  “A what?” I choke back laughter.

  “It’s mausen for ‘shade’.” She explains.

  “And it’s called a Schatten?” I snort another giggle.

  “Which is why we usually prefer ‘shade’.” She rolls her eyes at me. “It’s like an echo of the recently dead that’s linked to their creator.”

  “You mean a necromancer.” Talia clarifies.

  “They can’t harm the living, but they do make excellent spies.”

  “Spies.” Talia says flatly. “Spies for necromancers.”

  “Most likely my father. He’s not going to be too pleased that I did that.”

  “What exactly did you do?” I ask, not really wanting to know the answer.

  “I just severed the link. It takes almost no energy if you know how to do it right.” Susi sniffles again. “Which I do. Although I don’t think my parents know that I’m capable of that. *Sniffle* Ugh, I think caught a cold from from doing that.”

  “Wait wait wait. Let’s go back to the whole ‘spies’ thing.” Talia leans against a post, her breath still emitting tiny puffs of fog. “Does this mean your father knows where we are?”

  “Exactly where we are.” Susi nods. “As well as speed, heading, number of crew, last night’s dinner…pretty much anything.”

  “So we’re fucked.” I throw my paws up and begin pacing.

  “Not necessarily.” Susi coughs and lays back down again. “We don’t know where my parents are. For all we know they could still be back at the manor.”

  “And how likely is that?” I ask.

  “Not very.” She shakes her head sadly.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “Mmmhmmm…” Archy rolls over, “That’s right. Use all the marmalade.” A few more mumbles and he rumbles back off into snores.

  Gunfire and Ghostships

  “There is earth-shattering kaboom.”

  - Professor Archeleus Zott, after watching his workshop blow up.

  “Bluh! Bored!” My body hangs limp over the railing as I stare out over the stupid, endless, endless blue stupid ocean. It’s been a couple of weeks since the incident with the shade and the only thing even close to breaking the grueling monotony was when Cooky decided to slip some devil ghost peppers in my curry. And that just turned out to be unpleasant for everyone involved.

  “I have idea.” Archy claps me on the back, almost flipping me over the side. “I have made some adjustments to guns. Why not have some target practice?” He lifts up a vest flap to reveal two pistols. They still bear the scorch marks and gouges from previous misfires but otherwise look brand new. I never was one to study (or even care about) the mechanics and nuances that go into making such weapons, but even I can tell at a glance that there’s something different about them.

  And some target practice might not actually be a bad idea.

  “What are these ‘guns’ I hear you talk about?” Saltana sprawls above us on one of the masts. She looks just as bored as the rest of us but her interest perks when she hears Archy. The bear looks at me and gives me a ‘shall we?’ look.

  “Anything you don’t mind tossing overboard?” I ask.

  “Hmm...we’ve got some barrels that need replacing when we hit shore.”

  “Nah. Something much smaller. Maybe some plates or bowls?”

  “I think we can muster that.” Saltana slinks to the deck and shouts down the stairs. “Cooky! Bring
some plates up here…not your best ones!” Moments later our resident curry-maker hops up the stairs with an armful of tableware and lays them at our feet. Archy hands me the first pistol and prepares to chuck a large wooden plate while I load and charge my flintlock.

  With everything in place I give Archy the go ahead. Make no mistake, the professor has a fucking arm. The plate whistles out and away from the ship in a high flying arc. I lift my arm and train the barrel on my mark. Ooo! Much lighter than before. It’s like lifting up a paper fan; you know there’s something in your hand but damned if you can feel its weight.

  Tracking...tracking...tracking...

  Shit. I waited to long. Simply throwing the bullet would be more accurate at this distance. Regardless, I pull the trigger and the gun’s report bounces out across the water and draws a gasp from every otter on deck.

  The plate explodes into tiny clay shards. My jaw drops and Archy just stands there grinning smugly. I motion for the next pistol and we prepare for Round Two as murmurs of disbelief rise from the crew behind us.

  “This is revenge for the curry, isn’t it?” Cooky grumps.

  The next plate flies. I let it go a little farther this time.

  Another ear-splitting bang! and another broken plate.

  “Ho-lee fuck Archy.” I laugh involuntarily. “Once is lucky. Twice is you did some alchemy wizard shit to these things.”

  “Of course.” He winks at me.

  “What did you do?” I have to know.

  “Is simple physics.” He hunkers down and starts drawing diagrams in the deck with his claw. “You see, centripetal force allows the-”

  “Ugh! Sorry I asked.” On second thought, I don’t have to know. But Saltana and her crew gather around the professor in stark fascination.

  “My gods,” Saltana looks at Archy like he’s the incarnation of Prometheus, bringer of forbidden knowledge. “This can topple kingdoms! I could rule the seas with such weapons.”

  “Yes, I know.” Archy sighs as he rakes his claws through the unfinished illustrations.

  “W-w-whoa! What are you doing?” The captain stammers.

  “This is reason why I destroyed workshop before leaving. There is only one person I trust to wield such weapons and he is standing right over there.”

  “Wha...him!?!” She shrieks. I give a friendly little wave.

  “He has used them only to protect people. And shoot plates.”

  Saltana looks at her crew, tapping her chin and pondering. Finally, “How much?”

  “I am sorry?”

  “How much for you to build me those ‘guns’?”

  “Not happening.”

  “Then how much for the plans?”

  “Not for sale.”

  “Bullshit.” She spits. “Everything has a price.”

  “Not this.”

  “Then maybe I’ll take them from you.”

  “Good luck.” Archy chuckles and taps his temple. “Last remaining plans are right here.”

  “Tch!” Saltana paces in circle while clenching and unclenching her fists, not knowing where to focus her frustrations.

  “You do understand why.” Archy says. “I can see it in you. You may not like it, but you understand.”

  “I do.” She finally stops. “But you do realize that someone, somewhere, will eventually discover this for themselves and they won’t have the ethical inflexibility you do.”

  “I have no doubt.” Archy sighs. “And that will be very dark day. But until then…” He gives a ‘what-can-you-do?” shrug.

  “As absolutely enthralling as this philosophical talk is,” I butt in, “I’m kinda excited to shoot more things. How much gunpowder do you have left?”

  “Enough. And when we land, getting ingredients for more should not be difficult.”

  “Awesome.” We spend the rest of the afternoon destroying Cooky’s plates (as well as some cups and a pot lid). And not. One. Miss. Well, except for that one time when I sneezed, but that one doesn’t count.

  “Have fun?” Talia leans against the mast after my exhibition finishes.

  “Of course.” I twirl the pistol in my hand. It goes around my finger twice before I fumble it. I juggle it in my paws before giving it one final twirl where it dangles impotently. “I…used to be better at that.”

  “Use up all the powder?” Her eyes narrow.

  “Yyyesss?” I back up a half-step. Something in her tone scares me.

  “The powder. For the guns.” She closes the distance. I sheepishly nod my head.

  “The guns. That kill things. Like necromancers and the undead hordes that they control.” Another step closer. I look around for help but everyone is sitting cross-legged around Archy as he explains the Laws of Thermodynamics or the Bernoodle Principle or some other science-y crap.

  “I think I see where you’re going with this…” I take only two more steps away from her, the railing blocking my escape. “But in my defense,” I gesture to the vast blue shooting range behind me, “That was pretty cool.”

  She places a paw on my chest. Her brown eyes become ringed with crystal blue. Cold - immediate and intense - runs its burning fingers towards my heart. It happens so quickly it takes my breath away. “You. Are. An. Idiot.” Talia spits venom through clenched teeth. She pulls her paw away and her icicle claws slowly thaw back to their original cream color. Without a word or even a sideways glance, she turns away and heads down into the belly of the ship.

  I sigh and rub my chest, which has turned into a giant ice cube. After feeling returns I turn around and slump against the railing. Sunsets sure are pretty out here; the giant orange ball turns the ocean in front of me into a tequila sunrise.

  Fuck. She’s right. I am an idiot.

  And I really have no clue what I’m doing. Winging it is a good strategy when fighting ogres and ettins - especially ettins (two heads are most certainly not better than one) - but now that I’ve started a globe trotting game of ‘Tag! You’re dead!’ an actual plan might be good. And something better than simply running home. What even happens when I do reach home? What if Susi’s parents are right on our tails? There’s already way too much blood on my paws…

  “You okay?” Leena asks in a soft voice.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re lying.” Her tone grows firm.

  “How can you tell?”

  “I’m always right next to your heart. I’ve learned to read your heartbeat and breathing. It’s actually quite simple.”

  “Great. I’ve got a sassy lie detector next to me at all times. And yeah, I’m lying.”

  “I already told you that. So what’s wrong?”

  “Since when did you care?”

  “You going to answer the question or not?”

  I sigh. “Fine. What the Hel am I doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean everything! What am I doing here?”

  “Well, it probably all started when you decided to seduce and kidnap me.”

  “No, see, this is why people don’t confide in water spirits.”

  “I was joking. I know you didn’t seduce me.”

  “That’s not what I mean-.”

  “And to answer your question: You’re helping a young maus - granted one with insane necromantic powers and an abnormal appetite for ice cream - escape from a life that would bring the worst out in her.”

  “Yeah. But am I doing the right thing?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Um, yeah?”

  “No, it doesn’t. You’re doing what you think is right. And from what I’ve seen your friends are sticking by your side. Susi also seems to be on board with everything.”

  “But Talia doesn’t.”

  “Meh. Her opinion is irrelevant to me. But she is right though. You kinda are an idiot.”

  “Gee thanks.” I chuckle, feeling a little better. “And since when did you decide to be so nice to me?”

  “I’ve had a lot of time to think. Alone. In this little glass prison.�
��

  “Oh come off it! You know damn well I took the stopper out months ago.” I hold the pendant up to my face to see a naked Leena sticking her tongue out at me and giggling. “I’m just glad you're not trying to kill me and consume my life essence any more.”

  “I never said that.” She says with dead seriousness.

  “Aaaand the stopper goes back on.”

  “No! I was kidding! Haha!” She bangs against the glass desperately. “Wait...you got rid of the stopper.” Now it was my turn to stick my tongue out.

  “What are you giggling about?” The deck shakes a little as Archy lumbers over my way. Seems that his lecture finally finished. “Oh hello Leena.”

  “Archeleus.” She replies coldly.

  “What happened with Talia?” He asks.

  “You saw that?” I blush. Archy just points two fingers at his eyes. Ah, right. Observation. “Yeah...she was kinda pissed that I used up all the gunpowder thus rendering the guns useless thus rendering us more vulnerable to attacks by any psycho necromancer parents coming for their runaway daughter.”

  Archy bellows out laughter that would wake Duffer Jones. “You think I would give you all the powder? You light powder on fire for fun!”

  “But it makes such pretty sparks…”

  “My friend. I have plenty of powder left. I always stow away enough for six guns plus a little extra for me.”

  “What would you need it for?”

  “Is a surprise.”

  “Does this have anything to do with that ‘Plan B’ in your bag?”

  He leans in closer and winks. “Surprise.” Taps his nose twice and saunters away.