Resisting Her Army Doc Rival

by Sue MacKay

  Sam reached for her hand, covered it with his. ‘Don’t, Ally. We can’t change what happened.’ But he’d give his life to do exactly that.

  ‘No, neither of us can,’ she whispered through tears.

  His heart tore apart for her—again. And for himself. Pain speared him, took his breath away. He shouldn’t have come, shouldn’t have called her. But he’d had to, this time for his own sanity. He had to get out of the hole he’d dug himself into, and talking to Ally was the first step. His chest rose. ‘I’m sorry, Ally.’ When her forlorn eyes met his the anguish and guilt threatened to bury him again. But no. It was time. Time to live Sam Lowe’s life, not hover in the dark because of what he’d done to this woman. ‘I’ll always be sorry for my role in what happened, but I won’t say it again. I can’t.’

  She stared at him, making him squirm, but he didn’t back down. He had no idea where this strength had come from but knew it for the truth it was. He’d started living again. The guilt was huge, but it had to be exorcised so he could be free to get close to people he cared about, to love them. But he needed Ally’s forgiveness. So help him, he needed that badly.

  If it wasn’t forthcoming he would be stuck in a holding pattern, going round and round, the army one week, a hospital the next, New Zealand one month, some inhospitable location the next, alone with his thoughts and needs. That was no longer feasible. Maddy had made him start feeling again.

  ‘I’d like another glass of wine.’ Ally stood up, empty glass in her shaking hand. ‘What about you?’

  He had barely touched his. ‘Let me get you one.’

  A waiter appeared before either of them moved. ‘Ma’am? Another?’

  With a nod Ally sank back onto her chair, her back rigid, her hands locked together.

  What was going on? Yes, he was guilty for William signing on for that fateful tour and thereby destroying this lovely woman’s happiness and future, but there was something else in her gaze, her stance. ‘Ally?’

  ‘I’ve booked the table for three people. There’s someone I want you to meet. He’ll be joining us shortly.’

  Sam sank back in his chair. This woman had been all but comatose at William’s funeral and for months after. Now she’d found someone else? No, he’d got that wrong. Surely?

  ‘You’re shocked.’

  ‘Yes. No.’ He dredged up a half-smile. ‘I’m not sure what I’m thinking.’

  ‘You’re thinking it’s too soon, that William’s only been gone two years, that I’m not ready. Right?’

  ‘Possibly. But if you’re happy then so am I. William wouldn’t have wanted you mourning him for ever, missing out on a family, a loving man, a home.’

  ‘You’re right. He wasn’t a selfish man.’ Abby took the wine the waiter placed before her, sipped the liquid, all the while watching him. ‘Dave. The guy joining us is Dave, and he’s special. We are planning to move in together shortly.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘No, you don’t. You’re thinking this is too soon, that I haven’t mourned long enough.’

  Am I? He didn’t know. ‘How’d you meet?’

  ‘We shared an umbrella one day when it began to rain at the cemetery where we were both putting flowers on our respective partner’s graves. Then we had coffee and talked, and slowly over the last few months we’ve become close.

  ‘I love William, Sam.’ Ally’s voice was low but firm. ‘I still love him and probably always will in a way.’ She swallowed, looked around the room before returning her shaky gaze to him. ‘But he’s gone and I can’t remain unhappy for ever. It’s not natural. I want to move on, have those children I’d believed I’d have with a man who’s got my back, who will love me always.’

  ‘And has this guy got your back?’

  ‘Yes, Sam, he has. He’s quieter and more serious than William, but maybe that’s why I fell for him. He’s not a rerun. This is a new relationship and I’m not comparing anything.’

  Where did this leave him? Guilty as ever? Yep, nothing had changed there. Ally was right: William was gone, couldn’t be the father to those children she mentioned or watch her grow old. All because he’d listened to Sam, had been talked into going abroad for another stint in the army.

  Now her hand covered his. ‘It’s okay to start again. It really is. Hanging onto my grief and spending the rest of my life mourning William isn’t right.’ Her fingers squeezed gently. ‘Nor is it for you.’

  You think? But I’ve left Maddy for that grief and the guilt. I’ve thrown away the greatest opportunity of my life.

  He cleared his throat and tried to speak, but words failed him.

  ‘Stop blaming yourself. William didn’t have to sign on for that last tour. He’d received his discharge papers. It was his choice not to sign them. He had a wild streak, contained by the army’s restrictions, sure, but he liked to get out amongst it. You didn’t force him to do anything he didn’t want to do.’

  ‘He was worried he wouldn’t handle settling down completely.’ His pal could be a little crazy at times. Sam had forgotten that.

  ‘I was wrong to blame you, but I didn’t know how to cope, could hardly open my eyes every day to face William not coming home to me. It was so unfair. I had to lash out and you were the easy target. In the end I realised William made his own mind up about going, about postponing our wedding, about staying in the army, even though I begged him not to. It’s my turn to apologise for the way I treated you.’

  The weight didn’t leap off his heart, the bands holding him together didn’t break free, but there was a loosening deep inside. The start of his future? No, that was too easy. But, ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You’re not getting off that lightly. Let him go, Sam. You can’t hold onto him any more than I can. It’s not wrong to start living life to the full again.’ Her fingers curled around his hand and squeezed. ‘Please.’

  ‘Now you’re rushing me.’ This time his grin was wide and genuine. ‘I’m a bloke, remember? We don’t do the emotional stuff easily.’

  * * *

  After an awkward dinner with Ally and her new man Sam walked along the quay at the edge of Auckland Harbour, ignoring the drizzle dampening him. His hands filled his pockets, and his shoulders were hunched as he wandered aimlessly towards the Viaduct.

  Memories of Maddy fighting her fears swamped him. She was so vulnerable and yet tough. She’d told him everything that had happened, had exposed herself to him in a way that must’ve taken every drop of courage she could dig up and then some. But, then, she was strong. That strength had got her through a devastating time when the man who should’ve been glued to her side had let her down. The pain of that alone must’ve devastated her.

  Which was why he had to keep away, couldn’t change his mind about a relationship with her. He’d hurt her. Somehow, some time, he would let her down.

  ‘It wasn’t your fault William died,’ Ally had said when she’d kissed him goodbye. ‘If he hadn’t gone to Afghanistan he’d have found some other dangerous occupation or hobby. It was his nature to push the boundaries way beyond possibility.’

  True. So if he wasn’t at fault for William’s death then what next? Had Ally just freed him to chase life, grab what he wanted and hold on tight?

  No, it couldn’t be that simple.

  Why not? Ally believed he should, he could.

  Sam shivered. He might be able to let go of the guilt but getting close to anyone had never been easy. Too many risks.

  Water splashed up as he stepped into a puddle. Bring back the desert. A sudden wind brought heavier rain driving at him, chilling him down fast. Time to head for his hotel. He could continue thinking inside the dry warmth with a bourbon in his hand.

  The drink warmed him all right, but it didn’t solve his dilemma. Madison... Maddy...the woman he’d left behind after she’d given him her heart on
a plate. She hadn’t voiced the sentiment but that had been love in her eyes when they’d made love. But not when she’d lifted her shirt. No, fear and dread had pulsed out of her then. Had that love given her the courage to open herself up to him? And then he’d walked away because he’d been afraid.

  Afraid of hurting her more than she already was. Those scars were harsh, yes, but did they make Maddy less of a sexy, attractive woman? No way. She was still Maddy, the same woman who’d put Porky’s foot back together, who’d poured her heart and soul into her singing, who’d become a doctor to help others.

  The woman I’ve fallen in love with. Suddenly and abruptly. Frightening, yet exciting, if he accepted the truth.

  Was he ready to take the risk? To lay it all out for her to see? What if she left him? There was more than one way to go, and however it happened he’d be devastated, broken.

  ‘Another drink?’ the barman interrupted.

  ‘Sure, why not?’ He wasn’t on duty for the next three weeks. Draining the last centimetre from his glass, he handed it over.

  His father had walked away from him and his mother without a backward glance, showing what little importance they’d had in his life. For a wee guy that had been beyond his comprehension. As an adult he still didn’t get it, but, then, he’d never seen or spoken to his father since that day so had no knowledge of what had been behind his actions. If his mother had known, she’d never shared it. And then she’d left him, too, when he’d woken up one morning and found her cold in her bed.

  ‘Here you go.’ The replenished glass slid into view.

  ‘Cheers.’

  Sam glugged down the bourbon. Banged the empty glass back on the counter and nodded to the barman.

  Waiting for his refill, he glanced around the nearly empty bar. Was this what his life had come to? Drinking alone in an impersonal hotel downtown in a large city? Tomorrow he’d fly back to Christchurch and Burnham base, and fill in the weeks waiting for orders for his next move. Except he didn’t want to do that any more. Had had enough of moving from camp to barracks to off-the-beaten-track towns.

  Maddy had given him a taste of what life could be, a taste of the love he’d craved all his life. He wanted more, wanted it—with her. But most of all he wanted to give love back to her, to show she was cherished, adored by him. To make her feel safe again, to help her find the missing links in her make-up, to love her as she deserved to be loved.

  And if something went wrong? If he found himself alone again?

  Then he’d have to deal with it. But until then he’d have a life worth having.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CAUTIOUSLY LIFTING HER helmet-protected head above the mound of dirt, Madison scanned the land ahead of her troops. Empty buildings baked in the relentless sun, too far away to hold a threat yet. Between those and the patrol nothing moved. Eventually satisfied they were alone, she called in a low voice, ‘All clear.’

  Around her soldiers rose to their feet, keeping low as they moved forward, guns at the ready in case their captain was wrong and the sniper who’d attacked a vanload of locals returning to the town after visiting family at a village further away was still out here.

  Along with the latest doctor to arrive on base, Madison had spent most of the night in Theatre, putting people back together by sewing up gunshot injuries. She should be exhausted but right now she was revved, running on adrenalin and lots of caffeine. The sniper had to be found and locked up before he hurt anyone else.

  ‘Down,’ the leading sergeant called, his hand flicking a signal at them to hit the ground fast. ‘Three o’clock, behind the rocks.’

  After assessing the layout, Madison led the men out. ‘Circle him, and be careful. I do not want to be sewing any of you back together after this.’

  ‘Who needs Captain Lowe when we’ve got you?’ The sergeant grinned.

  ‘Get on with it, Sergeant,’ she growled as she swallowed a bitter laugh. I’m like Sam? Now, there was a joke. One that would have him in stitches. Sam. What was he up to? Had he managed to wangle another posting overseas yet?

  Running low to the ground, she kept beside the sergeant until they reached their target—a filthy, middle-aged man screaming at them in a language she couldn’t understand.

  Two soldiers caught him, held him still.

  ‘Who have we got?’ she demanded of the interpreter.

  After five minutes of shouting back and forth the interpreter informed her, ‘He’s denying it but I’d say we’ve got our man. He has no explanation about that gun he was burying.’

  Madison shivered. The man must’ve run out of ammo or he’d have used it on them. ‘Call the situation in,’ she told their comms technician.

  ‘Just in time,’ the private told her minutes later. ‘You’re wanted back on base.’

  ‘I’m not the only doctor they’ve got.’ Yet she had been acting as if she was, grabbing every case she could, working all hours to fill in the empty days that threatened to knock her down. ‘Tell them we’re on our way.’

  ‘You enjoy the army, Captain?’ her sergeant asked as they bounced and rocked in the truck heading back to base.

  ‘Most of the time.’ She was hardly going to say no to someone under her orders. ‘Don’t like the abrupt way life can go from safe to dangerous in a flash.’ Like when that corporal had been hit last week. It had made her wonder if she’d return home in one piece at the end of her stint here, or if there was a bullet with her name on it waiting out in the desert. Thoughts she shoved aside as quickly as they rose. Negative notions were a hindrance to even the sharpest minds and played havoc during the dead of the night.

  ‘Know what you mean,’ muttered the sergeant, and that had her wondering what tragedies he’d witnessed. Everyone came with baggage. Everyone.

  She knew hers. But she didn’t know all Sam’s. In the midst of a conversation he’d often gone places she’d been unable to follow. She loved him without restrictions, but there were a lot of gaps in what she knew about him. Making love with Sam had temporarily blown away the last of her barriers. Now he knew everything, had seen everything. But he’d gone without a backward glance, without returning her final kiss. Without showing her the real, deep-down Sam. Had he been protecting her, as he’d said? Or himself?

  * * *

  Madison held the water bottle to her mouth and poured the wonderful icy liquid down her dry, dusty throat as she elbowed the door to the medical unit open. ‘Wow, that’s good,’ she spluttered, and slapped her mouth with the back of her hand.

  Cassy followed her in. ‘I always drink more when I’ve been out on patrol. I say it’s the dust and heat, but I think fear has a lot to do with it.’

  Madison spun around and caught at the nurse’s arm. ‘Don’t let that fear get to you or it’ll destroy you.’ Hadn’t she given herself the same speech on the drive in? And she was going to be fearless from now on? Ha! Good point, Captain.

  ‘I know all that, been to the lectures, learned how to cope,’ Cassy drawled. ‘But...’

  ‘There’s always a “but”.’

  Why were Cassy’s eyes widening in confusion? Madison glanced in the direction the nurse was gaping and felt the floor heave up under her feet. Her arms shot out, fumbling for something to hold onto while she retrieved her balance. Finding nothing but air, she tottered forward a step.

  ‘Sam?’ He was in Christchurch. Wasn’t he? She snapped her eyes shut, flicked them open again. Definitely Sam. ‘Ah, hi. We’ve been on patrol, think the heat got to us.’

  He was sitting in her chair, his feet up on her desk, those hands that had done marvellous things to her body behind his head. And, yes, he wore that blasted grin that undid all her good—and not so good—intentions. A steady blue gaze bored into her, so direct, so compelling she could feel her insides melting in an instant what little resistance she’d hur
riedly mustered. He was seeing everything she kept hidden. Everything. Surely not? Not that she loved him. She stared back, tightened her spine, tried to hide that L word from her posture, her face, her eyes. That he did not need to know.

  But something flicked through his eyes. If she hadn’t known better she might’ve thought it was passion. ‘Hello, Maddy.’ The grin slipped, quickly recovered.

  At the sound of that gravelly, deep voice she tipped forward, bending at the waist. So much for standing up to him. Two words and she was lost.

  His feet hit the floor and he strode to her, catching her arms and hauling her close. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  As her cheek was pressed against his chest, his hand firm in the centre of her back, she drew in his life scent, pure male, full of warnings—and melting the last of her resistance. She’d make a fool of herself if that meant being held by him. Meant being told—

  ‘You missed me?’ She jerked back, away from everything she craved. ‘Ever heard of email? Your phone gone on the blink?’

  Another step back to put more space between them because she couldn’t trust herself not to reach for him, to splay her hands over his chest and feel his heartbeat under her palms.

  ‘I prefer using a plane.’ The grin had softened into a lopsided smile filled with uncertainty.

  ‘Why?’ she asked.

  ‘I need to see you as we communicate, to watch for innuendo and hear the laughter or annoyance in your voice. Email doesn’t allow that, and phones can make interpretation difficult.’ His eye twitched. ‘I only know you well when I’m standing in front of you, reading you as we speak to each other.’

  He’d better not have read that L word. ‘You’ve come back to the Sinai to talk to me?’ She shook her head in an attempt to clear the dross. ‘No one mentioned you being posted back here.’

  ‘I’m on leave. I’m here to see you. Nothing else. I’ve also taken a discharge from the army, effective next month.’

  Her fingers dug into her hips as she tried to remain upright. ‘I don’t understand.’ What did any of this have to do with her? ‘The commander knows you’re here?’