Resisting Her Army Doc Rival

by Sue MacKay

  ‘Let me put the condom on,’ he groaned through clenched teeth.

  She shook her head. ‘That’s for me to do.’ And she proceeded to, slowly, delighting in the feel of his throbbing manhood. When she couldn’t wait any longer she raised herself over him and slowly slid down his length. Sam pressed upward, filling her and still pushing inside. When he withdrew she knew a moment of panic before he filled her again. And again. Pleasure spilled across her lips in a roar, filled the air with acknowledgement of her release.

  Sam, oh, Sam. She lay curled, naked, in his arms, her head on his still rapidly rising and falling chest. Unafraid of being seen without clothes to cover her scars.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ‘DID YOU FIND BIX?’ Madison asked Jock the next morning as he packed up his last bits and pieces from the medical unit. Sam was conspicuous by his absence. As he had been since he’d returned to town to help search for the café owner after they’d made love.

  ‘Not in any condition we could take the guy back home.’ Jock snapped the latches on his bag. ‘Must’ve taken the full force of the explosion.’

  ‘Was it the gas mains?’

  ‘The verdict is still out and, knowing this place, likely to stay out.’ He looked directly at her, said, ‘Take care out here, Madison. The dangers aren’t always those that you’re looking at.’

  Don’t I know it?

  If that was commiseration in his face she was going to hit him. She didn’t want sympathy for having been an idiot yesterday. She’d take the rap on her chin and get on with soldiering and doctoring. Sleeping with Sam was just another thing to pretend hadn’t happened. There was no one to blame bar herself. Sam had given her full warning there’d be no future with him. Knowing those snatched hours would be the end of anything between them before she laid her soul on the line was one thing. Knowing it afterwards was...agony. This was knowing with all the emotions she’d promised herself never to suffer again, only now deeper, sharper. Knowing did not soften the blow. She’d fallen for Sam in a bigger way than she’d ever have believed possible. While she wouldn’t have to allow for shock and injuries and grief, she wasn’t going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like she had everything under control either.

  Jock cleared his throat. ‘Madison?’

  ‘Have a safe trip home,’ she snapped, and spun away to walk slap bang into the man she’d have sworn had been avoiding her. Of course he had, otherwise he’d have joined her on her run that morning.

  ‘Hey,’ he said.

  ‘Hey, yourself,’ she retorted, and tried to walk around him.

  Sam stepped into her path. ‘Maddy, can I have a minute?’

  ‘There’s nothing to say, Sam.’ He’d kept away from her. Regretting having made love with her? Unable to accept her body after all? Her skin was cold, her heart heavy. She’d known what would happen if she exposed herself and yet she’d gone ahead, thought it was all okay. More fool her. Now she had to move on, go back to protecting herself, and take this as a lesson not to be forgotten.

  Desolation stared at her out of those bleak eyes. Desolation that filled her heart, too. ‘I think there is.’

  ‘Like what? You’re sorry about yesterday? Don’t say it, Sam. I don’t want to hear you verbalise that.’

  ‘I wasn’t going to. I want to explain myself to you.’

  ‘You could’ve dropped by when you got back last night.’ After waiting for him out by the perimeter until late, she’d finally crawled under her sheet to stare into the dark until the sun came up. A fast run first thing had not altered the growing sense of abandonment that had been gathering since he’d headed back to town and left her to face up to having let him in under her guard.

  ‘We were very late. Took some effort finding Bix’s body under all the debris.’

  ‘You didn’t need to go and help. There were more than enough troops to clear the mess.’ Anger vied with sorrow and kept her talking when she really wanted to shut up and see him out of the centre. She was aware of Jock leaving, quietly closing the door behind him, shutting them in together, away from prying eyes. Too late. They were finished yesterday. ‘I’ll say what I said to Jock. Have a safe trip.’

  ‘Maddy.’ Her name was sweet and sad on his lips, pulling at her heartstrings. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Sorry because we made love? Or because you can’t accept me as I am?’

  ‘No,’ he almost shouted. ‘Not that. I promise.’ He stared at her, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘I promise,’ he repeated quietly. Was he struggling with that now? He’d denied it but she wouldn’t be surprised if he’d found the sight of her daunting despite everything he’d said. She wasn’t going to ask. Would rather not know than find out it was true. She’d be crippled.

  ‘Why did you do it if you already knew you were going to walk away? And don’t even think of blaming your commitment to non-commitment.’ She was trembling. That was solvable if they seriously wanted to have a relationship.

  ‘I could turn that back on you, Maddy. It’s not as though I didn’t warn you. Why did you have sex with me?’

  Sex. Not making love. The coils holding her together that had been slowly unwinding over the past days began tightening again. But she couldn’t hold back the truth. ‘I couldn’t help myself.’

  ‘I wanted you so bad.’ Honest, if nothing else.

  The anger stepped back, leaving her shaken. ‘Once I’d exposed myself I didn’t want to hold back,’ she whispered.

  Sam shook his head. ‘But I still shouldn’t have gone ahead. I don’t deserve you, or the happiness you might bring me.’

  ‘Sugar-coating the situation?’

  ‘Maddy.’ His finger was under her chin, lifting her head so she had to look at him. ‘Don’t go there. I meant it when I said you are beautiful, inside and out. Promise me you won’t forget that.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’ Somehow his words hurt more than anything else could have. He didn’t want a bar of her. She’d read the lack of horror in his eyes, on his face to mean he cared enough to take her as she was. Wrong again, Madison. He’d accepted her enough to have sex, and now he’d had time to think about it he was giving her the heave-ho. Seemed her second attempt at showing a man what had become of her had been little better than the first. At least there were no lies this time. Neither could she deny his warning that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, something she might’ve accepted more easily if she hadn’t been expecting his rejection even before they’d become intimate.

  Impatient honking from outside the medical unit broke through the tension. Sam’s transport had arrived.

  ‘I have to go, Madison.’

  Madison, not Maddy. Back to square one. He’d pulled up the barricade. He wasn’t just saying he had to get on that truck. She knew it deep down. Had always known Sam would return to New Zealand and she would not feature in the life he made there, or anywhere. She’d known this outcome was coming and had still enjoyed time in his arms, had all but precipitated it. This was the price she’d known all along would come due. But... Did it have to be so hard? Once again everything she wanted, hoped for was being undermined, stolen from her. Because for a few crazed minutes she’d dared to hope. ‘Why?’ When he said nothing, she asked in a tighter, louder voice, ‘You don’t even want to stay in touch?’

  He looked up at the ceiling, gulped some air, and dropped his head to lock his eyes with hers. Emotion she struggled to recognise had darkened that sky blue to near navy. ‘No.’

  Ouch. He didn’t mince his words. She turned away, unable to look at him any longer as pain saturated her.

  ‘You deserve better. I could take a risk and ask you to join me in life, for life, and I might learn to love you unconditionally. But others I know are missing their chance of happiness because of me. The guilt I carry is too strong to thrust aside. It destroys everything around me.
That’s all I can say.’

  When she turned around he was staring at her as though storing memories, which made no sense when he wanted to leave her, forget her. He should be fighting that guilt, not taking mental pictures of her.

  ‘Goodbye, Sam,’ she choked out. She hadn’t missed the ‘I might learn to love you’ bit either. This was the end. The shortest relationship in history. In hers anyway. Until this moment she hadn’t realised how much she’d come to care for him. Love him? Absolutely. That’s why it was hurting so badly to hear him say what deep down she’d already known.

  His finger traced a line from her chin to her mouth, outlined her lips. ‘Madison.’ Then he turned and walked away.

  She watched every step he took across the room to the door, hunger for him gnawing at her. ‘Sam, wait.’ And she ran to throw her arms around him. Her heart was breaking as she kissed him, a kiss full of the love she could not tell him about. Then before he could say a word she ran for the office and slammed the door shut.

  She would not watch him leave the room. Or climb aboard the waiting truck. In her heart he’d already gone, she didn’t need to underline his defection.

  She’d get busy going through files and checking stock in the drugs cupboard. She’d quash the anger unfurling in her stomach before it became too big to hold in. Because she was angry—with Sam, but more particularly with herself for letting him close, for falling for him.

  Slap. A pile of files hit the desk. Then another, and another. There. Plenty to keep her busy and her mind off anything that wasn’t army related. Dropping into the chair, she propped her elbows on the desk and got down to business. She would not acknowledge Sam was gone, wouldn’t admit he’d even been here. She’d been a fool to think anything would be different just because she’d laid herself on the line. Now she’d bury the whole episode in work.

  But an hour later she raised her head when a plane flew over the base. ‘Goodbye, Sam Lowe.’

  * * *

  ‘That was a boring patrol,’ Cassy quipped as she unloaded the medical kit from her backpack in the medical unit.

  ‘Like you want exciting,’ Madison retorted. She was more than happy to return to base with no casualties and no bullets fired. ‘Or do you?’

  ‘Not if I’m in serious danger,’ Cassy admitted. ‘Life is for grabbing with both hands, but I might add not if it’s at risk of being cut short.’

  ‘I understand.’ But did she? The fire had shut her down in every way possible. She’d studied hard to gain her qualifications, and appreciated being able to give back hope to people who were despairing because of a medical condition playing havoc with their lives. But she hadn’t moved forward an inch if the heaviness of her heart was an indicator.

  Instead she’d repeated her mistakes. Talk about a slow learner. It had to have been hope that had seen her opening up to Sam. It certainly hadn’t been common sense. That would’ve said, Don’t go there because there’ll only be one outcome. An outcome she was now struggling to cope with. Despite everything, her dreams were full of Sam every night. It had been better when she couldn’t sleep, had tossed and turned for hours.

  Madison made herself a bitterly strong coffee in an attempt to crank up her cells and squash the tiredness dragging her down. She took it out into the sun.

  Life is for grabbing with both hands.

  Funny how most people didn’t get that until something big threatened or overwhelmed them. As for her, she’d got it but had determinedly ignored the message, afraid of what waited out there for her. Her one, brief foray over the line had bitten back hard. Sam was not, would never be, a part of her future. He’d made that very clear.

  She’d fought hard to get beyond the results of the fire, and physically she’d made it. But the hurt dealt to her heart had remained, had made her scared to risk opening up to anyone. Then along came Sam. His reaction to her messed-up body had been little short of amazing, and she’d been quick to let her desire take over.

  But in the harsh light of reality fear still lurked in the shadows of her mind. Because if everything had been fine with him then where was he? Why wasn’t she receiving texts and emails from him, telling her what he was up to? Telling her his plans and where he might next be sent with the army?

  It seemed he’d been better at covering up his reactions than her ex.

  Pulling her knees up, Madison dropped her chin on them and hugged herself tight. Sam had said and done the right things but he didn’t want her. Whether that was because of her scars or because he didn’t love her, it didn’t matter. He didn’t want her.

  And she’d known it before they’d made love.

  Known he didn’t love her.

  Her own feelings had been hazy until they’d made love.

  There’d been sparks between them from the get-go. Sparks. She shuddered. How had she overlooked that? Sparks were dangerous, they burned people with the fire they created. Yet she’d put her heart out there to be consumed.

  During the ten days Sam had been gone she’d filled her time and mind with work, and then more work. There were patrols most days, and troops requiring basic medical consults after returning to base. When time was dragging with nothing to distract her she’d go into town to help at the hospital. Most nights she fell into bed without pulling her shirt off, she was that tired. Somehow Sam still raged in her head, never left her in peace.

  It didn’t seem to matter how hard she tried to banish him, he would not go away. She had let him in because she hadn’t been able to keep him out. Extricating him was proving to be beyond her. She needed to get on with finding a different kind of happiness than she’d grown up thinking was her right. It’s why she’d come here in the first place, yet in a matter of days she’d lost her way, forgotten everything she’d learned over the past two years. All she had to do now was get back on track, put down plans for the future that wouldn’t trip her up.

  Sounded absolutely wonderful, if impossible.

  Well, what else was she supposed to do?

  Grab life with both hands.

  ‘Captain, got a minute?’ Cassy asked from the doorway.

  Her body ached as she unwound from the top step and tipped the revolting coffee into the dirt. ‘Sure.’

  Got twenty-four hours’ worth of them.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  SAM STEPPED OUT of the Auckland taxi into the drizzle outside the downtown restaurant William’s fiancée had recommended for this catch-up.

  ‘Hey, Sam, looking good. The army always agreed with you.’ Ally was running towards him from further along the pavement where another taxi was pulling away from the kerb. She leapt at him, threw her arms around his shoulders and plopped a sisterly kiss on his cheek.

  Sam struggled to grapple with this welcome after expecting Ally to be quiet and sad. And still blaming him. ‘Hey, you’re looking pretty swish yourself. Being a barrister suits you.’

  She slipped out of his arms and smoothed her jacket. ‘Isn’t that so? It’s been a steep learning curve, though.’ Now she was quieter, less relaxed with him. More like the Ally he’d been expecting. ‘Let’s get out of the weather and order some wine. There’s a lot to catch up on.’

  Oh, he bet there was. Nothing he wanted to talk about but he’d contacted her for a purpose so backing out now wasn’t an option. Not if he wanted to start living life to the full again. And he did. If nothing else had come out of his encounter with Maddy it was that he’d discovered how much he’d been missing out on since William’s death. Of course that had been deliberate, his punishment. But even jail sentences came to an end, and he sensed his was coming.

  Seated in the restaurant’s lounge area, wine on the table between them, Sam studied the woman whose life had been tossed upside down by William’s death. Where was that crippling sadness that had kept her in bed for weeks afterwards? ‘Tell me about t
he law firm you’ve joined.’ He’d start with the easy stuff, and hopefully Ally would relax again.

  Her eyes brightened and her mouth tipped up into a generous smile, though probably not for him. ‘I have been so fortunate. All because I studied with the son of one of the partners of Auckland’s top litigation firms. He put my name forward to his dad and before I knew it I had an interview and a job. I’m a very small player in the scheme of things but loving every minute of it.’

  ‘You won’t stay on the bottom rung for long, if I know anything about you.’ She had a sharp mind and had often talked about the excitement of a courtroom in the middle of a trial.

  ‘I agree.’ Her laughter tinkled in the air between them.

  Once he’d have given everything to hear her laugh again after William had been taken from her, but now he struggled to understand how she could be so happy. Of course he was pleased for her, but also a little confused. ‘I’m glad you’ve got your mojo back.’

  ‘Oh, Sam, it’s so exciting some days I keep thinking I’ll wake up and find this job—all of this—was only a dream.’ Her smile faded, and the shine of her eyes dimmed.

  ‘So how are you really?’ he asked quickly.

  ‘While my career is catapulting me ever upwards, it’s not what I’d wished for, planned on. This is a new life for me, very different from what William and I had been looking forward to.’ Ally took a gulp of wine and set her glass carefully on the table.

  When she raised her eyes to his Sam felt a frisson of concern slither down his spine. ‘I totally understand, and admire you for what you’ve done.’

  ‘There are days, weeks even, when I’m crippled with missing him.’ No need to say his name. They both understood.

  ‘You and me both.’ He stared into his glass, then back to her. ‘It never leaves me.’

  She nodded slowly. ‘I wish...’ Her sigh was loud between them, filled with all the things she’d once shouted at him—the blame, the anger and pain, the tears.