Where Yesterday Lives

by Karen Kingsbury

  “They’re terrible. Isn’t that crazy? We come together for our dad’s funeral, travel the country so we can be here in our hometown and bury this man we all loved, and we can’t even get along with each other.”

  “Ah, just like old times.”

  Ellen stared at him. “Huh?”

  “Come on, Ellen. You and Jane always fought. Don’t tell me you don’t remember.”

  Ellen was quiet a moment. She stared out the windshield at the waning sunlight. The bay had become a shimmering expanse of silver and gold. She drew a deep breath and turned to Jake.

  “When I think about Jane I remember hanging around her at school and sharing secrets late into the night. Dancing on a flatbed truck one New Year’s Eve. And a thousand happy memories growing up together.”

  “Those are all good, Ellen. But there were bad times, too. Remember the year you shared the apartment?”

  Ellen frowned. She remembered. “We disagreed once in a while back then, but it’s different now. She snaps at everything I say. It seems like she hates me. I don’t know how to get along with her, I don’t know what to say around her, and I don’t know what I’ve done to make her so mad. When I couldn’t take it anymore I called you. And here I am.”

  Jake inclined his head but said nothing.

  Ellen went on. “I was closer to my dad than she was.”

  “I remember. You think that’s the problem?”

  Ellen stared out the windshield again. “I don’t know. It seems like she’s taking it out on me, like she resents me or something.” Tears made their way quietly down her face. “She tells me I shouldn’t talk about her children, and then she ridicules me for not having any of my own.” She closed her eyes. “She accused me of choosing my career over having children.” She gave a short laugh. “I can’t believe she thought that. I want kids; for a while I wanted them more than anything in the world. But Mike and I have tried and it just hasn’t happened.” She opened her eyes and met Jake’s gentle gaze. “I’ve had two miscarriages.”

  His eyes filled with sympathy. “I’m sorry, Ellen. Really.”

  She nodded and sniffled loudly. Jake handed her a tissue from his glove compartment and Ellen was thankful she had called him. There was still a certain chemistry between them, but there was no spark, no hint of anything less than proper. She was a married woman talking heart-to-heart with an old friend, with the one person who understood everything she was going through. It was nothing more than that.

  “I remember once when we were having pizza at the Cookery with Leslie and some of the others,” Jake said. “One of the girls was Cindy, that girl Jane hung out with once in a while. Remember?”

  “I think so.”

  “You said something about sharing a room with Jane but being too busy to talk to her for the past week. Something like that.”

  “Right, I remember.”

  “And that girl, Cindy, she said she was surprised you two shared a room because Jane had always talked like the two of you never got along. She told you Jane couldn’t stand you. Remember?”

  The memory came flooding back. Ellen sat up straighter and curled her legs beneath her on the seat.

  “You were hurt for days afterward,” Jake reminded her. He smiled gently, and again Ellen was glad she was with him. He did understand, even about her struggles with Jane.

  Why can’t Mike be more like that, Lord? The thought no sooner drifted into her mind than she pushed it away. She didn’t want to think about Mike now.

  “If I remember right, everything was fine in a week or so,” he continued.

  “I asked her to be honest, to tell me if she was upset and not talk about it with the kids at school.”

  “After that you were best friends again.”

  “You’re right.”

  “And what about that John Bronson? That fireman guy you met at the health club one of those times when we were broken up? The two of you went on a date and you found out later that Jane had a crush on him. Remember?”

  Ellen cringed. “That’s right. She didn’t speak to me for two weeks.”

  Jake nodded. “It hasn’t always been rosy, babe.”

  The term of endearment caught Ellen off guard, and, from the look on Jake’s face, it had surprised him as well. Ignore it, she told herself, hoping she was right. But still her composure was shaken. She forced herself to sound unaffected. “So you think Jane and I were never close?”

  Jake leaned nearer still, shifting to a more comfortable position and stretching his legs. “No, that’s not what I’m saying. You were close enough to fight and still love each other at the end of the day”

  “And you think that’s all it is now?”

  “Probably. I’m sure she’s upset about your dad. Maybe there’s something else bothering her. I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?”

  Ellen hesitated. “I guess I could.”

  “Just remember she doesn’t hate you, Ellen. Not anymore than she did when we were all kids at Petoskey High.”

  Ellen allowed a few moments of silence while she considered Jake’s explanation. The sun was slipping beneath the horizon now and the sky across Lake Michigan was streaked with pink.

  “Back then at least I knew why she was mad. Either I was too outgoing or too attracted to a guy she liked.” Ellen kept her eyes on the sunset. “Now I don’t know what’s going on. If she has something against me, she sure hasn’t told me about it.”

  “Yeah, but think about how unhappy she is. I mean, you probably had a chance to tell your dad you loved him before he died. I’ll bet she can’t even remember when she talked to him last. That’s how it was back when I was around, anyway. She lives in Arizona, right?”

  “Right.”

  “And I’ll bet she usually talks to your mom when she calls home, right?”

  Ellen nodded and cocked her head, smiling warmly. “How come you know so much when I haven’t seen you in nine years, Jake Sadler?”

  “I was there a long time, remember?”

  His voice was soothing, the same voice she had been in love with such a long time ago. Despite her good intentions, Ellen felt her stomach flip.

  “I remember.”

  “Then trust me. It’s just a phase. It’ll pass and everything will be fine again before you know it.”

  “Okay but what about the others? Aaron and Amy are fighting, and Megan’s filled with all these unrealistic ideas about us being a family still because that’s what Dad would have wanted. Meanwhile Jane and I are about to tear each other’s hair out, and I just want to go back to Miami. I keep thinking there’s supposed to be all this love between us because that’s what I remember when I think of our childhood. Mom and Dad and us five kids moving from place to place. We had no one else back then, Jake. We needed each other.” She bit her lip. “Now I find myself sitting around a room with those same people and it feels like we’re strangers, like everything’s changed and we don’t even like each other.”

  “Your dad hasn’t been gone a week yet, Ellen. You’re all trying to find a way to let him go.”

  “And that’s why everyone’s being mean to each other?”

  “That’s why nothing feels right. Your dad was a great man. It’s going to take a while for everything to be back to normal. In some ways it’ll never be the same again.”

  The truth of those words stuck her deep. Jake was right. Life was never going to be the same again. Fresh tears rolled slowly down her cheeks. “What am I going to do without him, Jake?”

  “Ahh, Ellen.” Jake leaned over and wiped two tears from either side of her chin. “I’m sorry. Really, I am.”

  “I want to see him so badly, just once more. So I can talk to him and ask him what to do about Jane. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll survive without him.”

  Jake watched her intently. “I know how that feels.”

  “Yeah, but your dad’s still alive.”

  He paused a moment. “I still know how it feels.”

  Ellen did not exami
ne his statement but reached for another tissue instead. “So, you think things will work out for me and Jane? You think we’ll have an understanding between us again?”

  Jake smiled and brushed a lock of hair off Ellen’s forehead. “If there’s one thing your father left behind, it’s love. He loved his family the way some people never love in their lifetime. I watched him all those years. He was a wonderful dad, a real maker of memories.”

  Ellen sniffled again. “He was, wasn’t he?”

  “Yes. And everyone in your family loves each other with an intensity that goes beyond words. I’ve seen that for myself, too. No matter what Jane says to you or how she’s been acting lately, I know she loves you, Ellen.”

  Ellen looked doubtful. “I don’t know, Jake. You haven’t seen her in a while. Something’s changed. I know I said it already, but I don’t know any other way to describe it. It’s like she hates me.”

  “She doesn’t hate you. The two of you have your differences, that’s all. Maybe it’s best that you live in Miami and she lives in Arizona. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.”

  Ellen sighed. “I don’t know. These days it’s hard to see any love in her at all.”

  “Give it time. Watch for a chance to reach out to her. Maybe she’ll open up and tell you what’s wrong. Maybe it’s more than your dad’s death, maybe she’s dealing with something else.”

  Ellen nodded. “Okay I’ll try. At least I don’t feel like jumping on a plane and heading back to Miami tomorrow morning.” She looked at Jake and smiled, wiping her eyes with her fingertips. “Thanks. Somehow I knew you’d understand.”

  “No thanks needed, Ellen. I’m always here for you.” His steady gaze held hers. “I hope you know that.”

  They talked a while longer, filling in simple details about the years that had passed. It was ten-thirty when they pulled up in front of Megan’s apartment, and the lights were off inside. Jake cut the engine and turned to face Ellen. His voice was soft, gentle.

  “Don’t take this wrong, but it was good to see you again.”

  Ellen’s eyes grew moist. “I know. After all these years, who’d have thought we’d ever have a night like this?”

  “Yeah, you weren’t exactly speaking to me last time I saw you.”

  “I spoke to you.” Ellen pushed him playfully in the chest. “Just not any longer than you deserved.”

  “Touchè.” His smile faded then, and Ellen could see his regret. After nearly a decade they could kid about what had happened between them, but it still wasn’t funny Not really. It never would be.

  “Ellen, I’ve always wanted to tell you—”

  “Jake, don’t say anything. I didn’t call you looking for a bunch of apologies. The past is behind us.”

  He let it go, but he looked pensive. “Are you happy, Ellen? In your life, I mean?”

  She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair nervously. She caught Jake’s eye, saw him watching the gesture, and quickly dropped her hand. It was something she’d always done, and he’d know it wasn’t a good sign. She shrugged. “Most of the time, but…oh, I don’t know. Mike and I are having a little trouble right now, I guess. There’s a distance between us. He doesn’t like to go out of his way for me, and sometimes that gets old. Like staying home while I attend my dad’s funeral.”

  Jake listened, but again he maintained his silence. Ellen appreciated that he didn’t try to fix things, to offer her solutions or explanations. It was becoming more and more evident Jake’s physical appearance wasn’t the only thing enhanced by the years. Jake Sadler had learned that sometimes it was better just to be silent and listen.

  Ellen settled into her seat again, feeling safe and free to talk. “Mike’s a wonderful man and a brilliant broadcaster. But I miss the romance we had at first. Most of the time it’s like we don’t even want to be together anymore.” She shrugged. “Just something we have to work out, I guess.”

  “Ellen.” Jake looked anxious, like he wasn’t sure if he should say what was coming. “Do you ever wonder?”

  Again tears stung her eyes and she released a shaky sigh. “Oh, Jake. Of course. How could I not?” She leaned back against the seat and stared straight ahead at invisible memories floating in the summer breeze. “You were my first love. You took my heart by the hand and led me on a wonderful ride. And when I think about the bad times now, they’re not so terrible. Just sad.”

  “Time does that, doesn’t it? Makes the bad times not so bad after all.”

  Ellen nodded. “I wouldn’t have stayed around if the good times didn’t make up for it. I guess I always thought we’d stay together.”

  “Me too.”

  She hugged herself tightly and kept her gaze on the trees outside. “You know, Jake, there were times after we broke up when I could have killed you for not being faithful. You ruined all our plans.” She glanced at him and saw that his eyes were wet, too. “I talked to your mom once after Mike and I were engaged and you know what she said? She said, ‘Are you really sure, Ellen. I always hoped you would wait until Jake grew up.’”

  She laughed self-consciously. “I had second thoughts about marrying Mike for more than a month after that. I kept wondering if she was right, if maybe it was only a matter of time before you really did grow up and everything could be like I always wanted it to be.”

  She fell silent, then nodded slowly. “Yeah, Jake. I wonder.” She smiled sadly at him. “But I know what would have happened. In time we would have hated each other, because as charming as you were, as much as I was in love with you, you didn’t have it in you to be faithful. And if we had gotten married, your cheating would have destroyed me.” She drew a deep breath. “How are things for you? Megan says you’re not married.”

  Jake shook his head.

  “Seeing anyone?” She was ashamed of herself, but in some ways she didn’t want to know, didn’t want to feel the familiar pangs of jealousy where he was concerned.

  “No. There’s no one. I date once in a while, but nothing serious.” His eyes narrowed as if he was trying to see into her soul, the way he had so easily when they were together. “I guess I’m still looking.”

  Ellen raised a wary eyebrow.

  “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like before. Actually, I haven’t been on a date in months. No time, really.” He paused and seemed to struggle for a moment. “I’m not the same guy I was back then, Ellen.”

  She smiled. “We’ve both changed, Jake.” For a moment she considered telling Jake about the biggest change in her life since they’d broken up, about becoming a Christian. In some ways she owed her conversion to him, since it had come in the wake of their breakup. She wanted to thank him for that…but if she told him about it, she’d also have to tell him she had prayed for God to keep him out of her life. And, somehow, it just didn’t seem right to do that right now.

  “Well, I know I’m different. I was a jerk, and I learned my lesson.”

  “At my expense.”

  He spoke slowly, deliberately. “At our expense.”

  Ellen sat up straighter and reached for the door. They had crossed into dangerous territory and she knew better than to stay “Well, on that note I should probably go in. The week’s pretty much planned for me. I told my family to work things out without me tonight so they’ll probably have a whole list for me to do tomorrow.”

  “When’s the funeral?”

  “Saturday morning.” Ellen stretched and then reached down to tighten the laces on her tennis shoes.

  “Would you mind if I go? I loved him, too, you know.”

  She sat up slowly and studied Jake’s face, remembering the reasons she had fallen in love with him. “You did, didn’t you?”

  He nodded.

  Ellen smiled sadly. “I’m glad you want to be there. I could use the support.”

  “You don’t think it’ll raise any questions?”

  “Of course not. You’re a friend of the family, a friend of my father. Everyone would understa
nd.”

  Jake nodded again. “All right. Then I’ll see you Saturday.”

  “Okay.” Ellen watched as he got out of the truck. He ambled gracefully around to her door and opened it so she could climb out. When she stood before him she saw he had grown several inches over the years.

  “You’re taller.”

  “Yeah, runs in the family. My dad grew a few inches in his twenties, too.”

  “It looks good on you.”

  “Thanks.” He stared at her, his gaze intense. “The years look good on you, too.”

  They studied each other, and Ellen was keenly aware of the narrow space between them. A gentle wind sifted through the trees above them, and Jake’s eyes grew soft as he stared into hers.

  The sudden image of Mike’s eyes, Mike’s face, drifted into Ellen’s mind. She stepped back. “I’d better go.” It was hardly wise to linger in the moonlight on a summer night in Petoskey with the breeze from Lake Michigan dancing in the trees above and Jake Sadler so close she only had to lean forward to kiss him.

  “I hope things get better with Jane.”

  “Me, too. Thanks again, Jake.” She smiled, sadness filling her, then turned and ran lightly up the walk toward the apartment.

  “Call me again if you need a break,” he yelled softly after her. “I’m taking tomorrow off to catch up on things at home.”

  She nodded and waved once more before going inside.

  When her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw that Jane and Megan were sitting on the couch watching television. They turned and stared at her, and she felt like a schoolgirl caught out past curfew.

  “Where were you?” Jane stared at her hard.

  “Out.” Ellen did not feel obligated to share the truth with her sisters. They probably wouldn’t understand, anyway.

  “With whom?”

  “A friend.”

  Jane cast a disgusted look at her older sister. “Fine. Don’t tell us.”

  Megan seemed sad as she turned away from the program and looked at Ellen. “We missed you tonight. You should have stayed around.”

  “I needed a break.”

  Megan shrugged. “I know. Mom understood. It’s just that the week is going fast, and I’d wanted us to spend as much time together as possible before we go our separate ways.”