Where Yesterday Lives

by Karen Kingsbury

  Jane snorted softly and Ellen forgot all the comforting words Jake had said. He was right. There had to be something else wrong with Jane. Help me find out what it is that’s destroying her, Lord. I can’t do this on my own.

  “We made a decision about the eulogy.” Jane turned to the television again.

  “What?” Ellen remained by the door, her cheeks still flushed from the warm summer air and Jake’s nearness.

  “Everyone’s writing something and reading it at the funeral. Just like Mom wanted.”

  Ellen felt her anger rise, but she stayed quiet. She could picture Jane gleefully orchestrating that decision to spite her.

  “Did you hear me?” Jane stared at her impatiently.

  “Yes. Who decided that?”

  “All of us. You went out socializing for the night so you’ll just have to go along with it.”

  Ellen thought of a dozen smart comebacks, but she refrained. Jane wasn’t going to ruin what had become a nice evening. Not this time. “Fine,” she said when she had a handle on her temper. “I’m going to sleep. Good night.”

  Megan spoke up. “By the way, we’re not planning much for tomorrow. Mom has some things she wants to do on her own. We’re invited for dinner and I thought we could all hang out there during the day. Maybe go for a walk or something. Then Thursday we’ll shop for funeral clothes and a casket. That’s what Mom said, anyway.”

  “Okay. Fine.” Ellen crossed the room in front of them and headed for the spare bedroom, which she and Jane and the children were sharing.

  “Is there any other place you could sleep?” Jane called after her.

  “You have a better suggestion? A hotel, maybe? A park bench?”

  Jane swore under her breath. “You’re so sarcastic, Ellen. I just wondered if you could please sleep on the sofa tonight so you don’t wake the kids. Last night I didn’t get any sleep with all of us crammed in there.”

  Now Megan rolled her eyes. “Oh, brother! The room’s small. Deal with it.”

  “Whatever.” Ellen sighed. “I’ll sleep on the couch. But seeing as you guys are watching television, what am I supposed to do until you’re ready to go to bed?”

  Jane released a forced burst of air and stood up in a huff. “I’m going. Don’t worry.” She glared at Ellen. “Just like old times, huh, Ellen? When Ellen speaks, people move. Daddy’s precious Ellen has to have whatever she wants as soon as she wants it.” Jane picked up her pillow and stormed out of the room.

  When she was out of earshot Ellen looked wearily at Megan. “What’s the deal with her?”

  “I don’t know. You two get in a fight before Dad died?”

  “Not that I can remember. But there must be something going on. I’ve never seen her like this.”

  Megan nodded. “I know I see it, too.”

  Ellen remembered Jake’s words earlier that night. Maybe there’s something else bothering her…why don’t you ask her? “Oh, well. Tomorrow I’ll talk to her and get to the bottom of it.”

  “I hope so. Maybe she’s just upset about Dad.”

  “That doesn’t give her the right to act like this.”

  “I know.” Megan sighed and rubbed her neck absently “Well, I’m turning in, too. I’ll get some blankets for the couch.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” Ellen began moving pillows to make room.

  “Hey, Ellen…”

  Ellen turned, distracted by memories of the evening with Jake. “Hmm?”

  “Let’s hope tomorrow’s a better day. Daddy wouldn’t have wanted everyone fighting with each other.”

  Ellen sighed and flopped onto the couch, clutching a pillow to her midsection. “I know it. But things are different now, Megan. Everything has changed so much.” Even Jake Sadler, she thought sadly. Just a few years too late.

  “You’re right.” Megan hugged her rib cage. “But it’s so hard on Mom this way, with you and Jane at each other all the time.”

  “I’m trying my best.” The insinuation that Ellen was partially to blame for the problems was frustrating. “What more can I do?”

  “It’s Jane’s problem. Everyone can see that. But try to get along. For Mom’s sake.”

  Ellen nodded. “I’ll do my best. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe we can talk things out, and she’ll be back to her old self.”

  “I hope so.” Megan turned toward her room. “Good night, Ellen. Love you.”

  “Good night. Love you, too.”

  Ellen watched her sister disappear into her room. When she was alone, her shoulders sagged slightly forward and she crawled between a pile of blankets. She wondered absently what Jake was doing, what kind of house he lived in. Then she pictured Mike, alone in their house in Miami. The two images were still battling for position as she fell into a restless sleep.

  Nineteen

  Mike was standing next to her, his eyes full of questions as he held a bouquet of red roses.

  “Come on, Ellen, make up your mind,” he said. Then he said it again.

  Somewhere in the background Jake was laughing. He walked up, winked at Ellen, and took the flowers away from Mike. He kept his eyes on Ellen’s as he ripped the flowers, one at a time, into a dozen pieces and dropped them onto the carpeted floor. But then the carpet changed and it was an endless field of lush green grass. She and Jake were sitting in wooden chairs, laughing about something.

  Mike was there, too, crying softly as he leaned against a tree. He started to speak but no sound came out, and Jake asked him to leave. Before Ellen could protest, Mike’s crying grew louder and louder.

  Ellen opened her eyes, unsure where she was. She blinked, disoriented. She’d been dreaming…dreaming that someone was crying—

  No. She listened carefully. Someone was crying. A soft, sobbing sound was coming from Megan’s room. Or was it? Ellen sat up, breathless, and the last wisps of her dream cleared.

  She waited a moment and when she was sure the sobbing was real, she stood up and padded quietly into Megan’s room.

  For a moment she watched her sister, not willing to intrude on her privacy. Megan had four photo albums spread out before her and she looked as if her heart were breaking. The albums contained pictures of the Barrett family, from their parents’ wedding through Aaron’s high school graduation.

  Megan turned a page and ran her fingers gently over a photograph as tears streamed down her face.

  “Megan?” Ellen said quietly.

  Her sister jumped. She obviously hadn’t expected anyone to be up for another few hours.

  “You scared me.”

  “Sorry.” Ellen went to sit next to her on the bed. She looked at the picture albums and saw a photograph taken at the Detroit Zoo. The five of them were lined up against a stone wall, oldest to youngest, with Mom at the end holding a squirming baby Aaron. As usual, Dad wasn’t in the photo because he was behind the camera, making memories for another day.

  “I miss them.” Megan ran a finger over the faces of the small children.

  “Me too.” Ellen blinked back tears as she turned the page. There was a photo of her and Aaron with their brand-new bikes. Their birthdays were both in early July and their parties were usually on the same day. She flipped the page and saw her and Jane with their arms around each other. She and Amy holding hands. Megan and Aaron sitting in the same wagon, smiles on their faces.

  One after another the pictures shouted the truth. Things had changed.

  “Do you think Jane hates us?” Megan sniffed.

  “I don’t know. Nothing’s the same with Dad gone, I guess.”

  “But Jane doesn’t have to be so mean. I can’t understand what’s gotten into her.”

  “I don’t have to what?” Jane leaned into the room and scowled. “What are you guys doing? Talking about me behind my back?”

  “We thought you were asleep,” Megan explained quickly. “Are the kids up, too?”

  “No, don’t worry. The kids won’t bother you. They’re asleep. So, why’re you talking behind my back?” Jane st
ood in the doorway, her hands on her hips.

  Ellen lost her temper. “You know, Jane, why don’t you go back to Arizona if you can’t be civil to the rest of us.” Poor Megan had merely wanted a quiet morning to grieve the loss of their father and the family they used to be. Jane’s selfishness wouldn’t even allow that.

  “Mind your own business,” Jane sneered.

  “Darn you, Jane!” Ellen stood up and yelled at her sister. “What happened to you? You’re so full of hate you can’t think of anyone but yourself.”

  “Maybe you just bring out the worst in me.”

  Ellen was silent, seething inside.

  “Come on, you guys. You promised to get along today. Let it go.” Megan was crying harder now, and Ellen caught the sound of a baby whimpering down the hallway.

  “Way to go. Now the kids are awake!” Jane shouted at Ellen. “I hope you’re happy.”

  “I’ll be happy when you leave.” Ellen muttered the words under her breath and Jane whirled around again.

  “What?”

  “I said—” Ellen raised her voice—“I’ll be glad when you leave. I can’t stand the way you’re treating Megan and me. And Amy too.”

  “I suppose that’s what you were talking about when I walked in?” Jane ignored her crying child.

  “No, in fact it’s not. If I want to say something about you, I’ll say it to your face. Are you listening?”

  Jane glared at Ellen.

  “I think something must be terribly wrong, Jane, something you’re not talking about and I think it’s time to get it out in the open.”

  Shock ran over Jane’s face, and for a moment Ellen thought her sister was going to burst into tears. She didn’t give her the opportunity.

  “This is your chance, Jane. Are you going to tell us what’s wrong or should we take turns guessing?”

  Jane’s features hardened again. “Fine. Know what’s wrong with me? Very simply it’s you. Ever since we were kids you’ve bothered me, Ellen. I’m sick of you. You think you’re better than everyone else and that everyone should bow at your feet.” Jane moved a step closer. “I guess I just don’t like you, Ellen. I’m having a hard time pretending that I do.”

  She wheeled around and stormed out of the room.

  “Forget pretending!” Ellen shouted after her. “I’m leaving anyway.”

  Megan watched the argument from her bed and shook her head in frustration, angry tears spilling onto her cheeks. “You two are the most selfish people I know. Dad’s dead! And you guys can’t stop picking on each other long enough to love each other through the hardest week of our lives.” She was sobbing so hard she sounded hysterical.

  “Megan—” Ellen began, but her sister jumped up and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her and turning on the shower.

  Left alone in Megan’s room, Ellen stared at the phone. Jake’s words came back to her. Call me again if you need a break. I’m taking tomorrow off… tomorrow off… tomorrow off.

  I need to talk to Mike. She sat down on the bed and picked up the telephone, dialing quickly. The phone in her Miami bedroom rang five times before the answering machine came on. Ellen hung up and looked at the clock. 7:05. Mike was gone to work.

  She tapped the phone with her finger and wrestled with her conscience. Then beyond the bedroom door she heard Jane shout at Megan, her voice shrill and angry. Ellen closed her eyes and wondered if she could stand another day with Jane.

  Call me if you need a break. I’m taking tomorrow off.

  Ellen reached for the phone and dialed a number she had memorized only the night before.

  Jake was up early that day and had already shaved and showered when the phone rang. His work crew would be handling the office calls and he was in a particularly light-hearted mood. Seeing Ellen had always had that effect on him.

  “Yup?”

  “Jake…it’s me.”

  Ellen. He sat down slowly surprised to hear her voice again so soon. “Uh-oh. What happened? You and Jane again?”

  “I don’t know what to do! She’s driving me crazy. I can’t stand it.”

  Jake sighed. “Listen, you need to get away for a while. Get your thoughts together and let her do the same.”

  “Any suggestions?”

  “I’ll be there in thirty minutes. We’ll go to Mackinac Island, rent bikes, and lay in the sun. Or just sit and talk.”

  “But you had some personal stuff to take care of.”

  “It can wait. Come on, no protests. You’re gonna lose it if you don’t get away for a while.”

  A sniff sounded. “Okay. I’ll be ready.”

  Half an hour later Ellen walked out of Megan’s room wearing a navy one-piece swimsuit underneath shorts and a T-shirt. She held a towel under her arms.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Jane asked. She was spoon-feeding the baby and overseeing breakfast for the other two children. Megan was reading a magazine nearby.

  “To the beach.” Ellen grabbed her purse and headed for the front door. “I’m spending the day with a friend.”

  “No cares, no worries, right, Ellen?” Jane scowled. “Did it ever occur to you that Mom might want you around the house today?”

  “You aren’t really leaving, are you?” Megan was shocked.

  “Yes. I really am. I’ll be back for dinner. Tell Mom I’ll see her then.”

  Without waiting for a response she walked outside and propped herself against a tree where she watched for Jake’s truck. Ellen knew her sisters did not for a minute think the friend she spoke of might be Jake Sadler. As he pulled up in front of the apartment she hoped they were not watching.

  She settled into the dark brown leather seat. It was like entering another world. Forget Jane. Forget Mike. Forget everything. After all, it wasn’t her fault Jane was acting vicious or that Mike had forgotten how to love her. Maybe if she disappeared for a day her sister would have time to think about her behavior and everything would make sense again.

  Jake opened the sunroof and slipped a Chicago CD into the car’s player. He raised the volume on the stereo as they drove. A warm breeze circulated through the car, and Ellen’s anger dissolved like April snow. She leaned back into the seat, saying nothing, enjoying the easy silence between them.

  After a few miles, Ellen raised her eyes and searched the tops of the towering pine trees that lined the highway. She had missed them, living in Miami. Somehow the sights and smells of the Michigan pines and Jake’s nearness carried her back in time, back to the days when her father was still healthy and strong and she and Jake believed in forever. She closed her eyes and savored the sensation.

  In thirty minutes they began seeing signs that directed them toward Mackinaw City’s main strip and the ferry boats that made regular runs to the island and back. She drew a deep, cleansing breath and grinned at Jake.

  “Feels good, doesn’t it?” He returned the smile.

  Ellen took another deep breath and nodded. “I miss Mackinac Island. The way it looks and sounds and smells. It’s been a long time.”

  They were quiet again, and Ellen absently twisted her wedding band. What would Mike think about her spending a day with Jake like this? What would her father think? Help me not to do anything I’ll regret, Lord. But even as she prayed she knew she was being double minded—and wondered if it wasn’t already too late.

  Her thoughts poked pins at her conscience and she closed her eyes again. When she opened them, upper Lake Michigan lay spread out before her and thoughts of Mike and Jane and her father, even of her faith, were suddenly a million miles away.

  Today there would be only Jake.

  That same morning, a thousand miles away, Leslie Maple was studying Paul’s words in the book of Romans, but she couldn’t get Ellen out of her mind. She had wrestled with whether to call Ellen or not. Years had passed since they had talked last, and Ellen might not feel like talking so soon after her father’s death. Especially to someone she hadn’t heard from in so long. Leslie wasn’t
even sure she had Ellen’s Miami phone number.

  She tried reading the Scripture before her again but it was no use. All right, all right, God, I’ll do it It’s been a long time, but I need to call her. Maybe this afternoon. She felt a sense of urgency at the thought. Then again, maybe right now.

  Leslie shut her Bible, found her address book, and thumbed through it. She remembered that, because of her position as reporter, Ellen still used her maiden name. She found the B section and scanned the page. There it was. Ellen’s number in Miami. She was probably already gone, back home in Petoskey for her dad’s funeral. Leslie thought of how Ellen and Jane had sometimes fought. If she were already gone, then she would be dealing with more than her father’s death.

  Poor Ellen. Leslie’s fingers flew over the buttons. Please let me catch her, Lord. Let me pray with her before she goes to face her family.

  Mike was on his way out the door when the phone rang. He lunged for the receiver. “Hello?”

  A woman’s voice responded, “Oh, I’m so glad I caught you in time.”

  Mike frowned. What on earth? “Who is this?”

  “Leslie Maple, Ellen’s friend from high school. I just heard about Ellen’s dad the other day and I’m so glad I caught you before you left for Petoskey. Can I talk to her? Is she there?”

  Mike glanced at his watch and knew he had to leave. He had only stopped home between assignments to change clothes. “Ellen left a few days ago. You can reach her at her parents’ house. I can get the number for you if you’d like.”

  Silence. Then, “She went by herself?”

  Mike’s gaze drifted to the kitchen table and the unopened Bible lying there. Guilt seemed to be coming at him from all directions. “Yeah. Hey, listen, I’ve got to get going. Did you need that number?”

  “No. No, that’s all right. I have it. I was just hoping to pray with her before she left. How was she? Before she left, I mean? Did you guys get a chance to pray together?”

  Mike sighed. The questions couldn’t have been more probing if God himself had called. “No, not really. It all happened kind of fast, I guess.”