Silent Bob

by Erik Schubach

  Movement by the stairs caught my attention. I gave a sad smile as I saw Kim, Skylar and Samantha heading our way, pulling their suitcases behind them. My smile deepened when I saw Skylar was still dragging around that old clunky suitcase of hers that she originally had when she met Kim. She can't seem to part with. I was going to miss them. I couldn't wait till summer when they would return.

  Sammie came running over with a super smile and gave me a sneak attack hug from below. “We're going to go home now Auntie Bobbie and Auntie Blake. I'm going to miss you! I love you so much!”

  I grinned and place a hand on her cute little blonde head. “I'm going to miss you too. And I love you more than I can describe.” This got a huge grin from her and she turned and gave Blake a matching sneak attack hug.

  Skylar walked up and kissed both of us on our cheeks. She leaned in and whispered so nobody else could hear, “It WILL get better. The fire will fade. I will just take time.” God she was as perceptive as Blake. But Skylar did have a unique perspective, and she wears her scars with pride now. I felt my eyes watering a bit as I nodded.

  “Love you,” I whispered.

  She pulled back to look in my eyes and reinforce what she said, “Love you too. Both of you.”

  Kim hugged Blake then turned to me. She stared at me with that stoic look. She was at a loss for words just like I was. I dropped my crutches and pulled her into a hug as they fell to the ground. I whispered so only she could hear, “I am so very proud of you. You are my hero, always know that.”

  She was in tears as she turned and they made their way out the door. God I was going to miss them!

  I bent down and grabbed my forearm crutches and walked beside Blake as we made our way out the door as well. I walked her to her car. I grinned. “You sure you gotta go?”

  She gave a cute laugh. “Well I haven't been to my own shop in months. I gotta see what Kim has done to me. Did you know that business has almost doubled in the past couple months and Lane says employee moral is at its pinnacle. Though I'm pretty sure he is scared to death of her. I'm afraid she may have cloned Silent Bob's, I'll have to disinfect everything. I'll see you tonight.”

  I gave a laugh right back as she got into her car and rolled down the window and leaned her head out. I gave her a kiss and my eyes were drawn to the mountains. I absently said, “Well, get back as soon as you can Blakester. I always miss you when you are not beside me.”

  She followed my gaze to the mountains. Her voice was firm and unwavering. “Don't worry Ro. We WILL get you back there. There isn't a force on this Earth that can keep you away.” I glanced over to her sparkling eyes that held Kimi's hero worship in them as she continued, “Don't you know who you are? You're Silent Bob!”

  Epilogue

  The man at the registration table droned to me, “Here are your numbers Mr. Vanderbilt, keep them pinned to your front and back and visible at all times during the competition. Welcome to the Pacific Northwest Mountain Relay.” I looked out across the clearing at the teams assembled there then across the impressive mountain range. They aren't as impressive as the Swiss Alps, but the Cascades are quite surprising for such a small mountain range and don't disappoint.

  With this win, I'll take... I mean my team, Rhino will take first place overall internationally for the professional Mountain Relay circuit. We beat the second best team in the Rocky Mountain classic last month by almost fourteen minutes. Since this is a smaller venue, the only other ranked team here today is the Bernard brothers' Team Boulder, and they are ranked fifth overall, so they won't be of any consequence.

  “Hey Martin!” I heard Herman calling in his thick German accent. I turned to the muscular man. I chose Herman Heinz for my handpicked team when I started competing two years ago. He was the best ranked cross country scrambler out there. It was a small matter to dangle some of my father's money over his head to get him to join. Our Russian trail leg sojourner, Peter Durov was just as easy. With my made to order team and me anchoring the climbing leg, it was almost unfair to the other teams.

  The Mountain Relay is a new sport that I hear actually originated here in the Cascades three years back. It was so exciting it spread to other countries like wildfire. First leg is generally a scramble through rough terrains, bisecting a mountain pass. The second leg comprises a simple traverse of a valley or canyon depending on the location. Then the final leg is a free climb up a cliff face. Each of the first two legs generally take two hours.

  Wow! This place was teeming with spectators, almost like some of the bigger venues. That just makes the win that much sweeter.

  I looked to the imposing man. “What's up, Herman?”

  He tilted his head toward the starting line at the edge of the forest where teams were congregating. “They just gave the ten minute warning.”

  I nodded and followed him over. He would be doing the first leg. Once they left I would drive Peter to the first checkpoint to wait for Herman to arrive so Peter could run the second leg.

  I shook my head in disdain as we walked through the groups. There was absolutely no competition here. This would be a cake walk... almost boring.

  There was a commotion as three people joined the group farther down the line. I overheard some teams groaning. “Oh man? Really? They're here again? I guess we're all racing for second place now. They have taken it every year!”

  Crap! Did another ranked team show up? I jockeyed past another team to see two cripples and a man that looked a million years old all with numbers pinned on them, walking up to greet the other teams. Everyone was murmuring and shaking their hands. The two cripples were good looking women, probably in their mid to late thirties. I wouldn't kick them out of bed. One had just half a left hand and her legs were in braces, and she had one of those short crutch thingies that has a bracket for your arm. Her right leg was twitching out to the side as she walked. The other competitors were treating her like a rock star. The other woman had a leg brace as well. This is a joke right? They are making a mockery of my sport. They'll let anyone enter.

  I saw the old guy lining up on the starting line. I shook my head. He'll probably keel over from a heart attack at the starting gun. I snorted at my own joke. I dismissed them and we caught up with Peter. Then I turned to Herman.

  I spoke with a hard edge. “OK, we spent the past two weeks here scouting the pass, you know it intimately. Get your ass through and to Peter as fast as possible. Any lead you gain will get Peter into his sprint faster. I want to be at the finish before the first person hits the wall below. Got it guys?” They nodded with looks of anger on their faces toward me. Tough. They don't have to like me, they just have to win. I'm not paying them to slack off.

  Peter and I backed off the line and allowed Herman to line up. I kept glancing over at the old man. I think he could feel it as he turned his squinting gaze over to me. He stared hard at me for a second, unflinching then spit on the ground and turned back to the line as they counted down. I hope he keels over.

  Five... four... three... two... one... the starter pistol went off and everyone darted into the trees and rocks. The old guy just stood there for a few seconds and watched them all disappear. Then he winked at the two girls who laughed. He spit again then just walked off into the woods, forty five degrees up from where everyone else went.

  I shook my head. And Peter and I made our way back to the car. We didn't talk on the drive down range and hooking around to the other side of the pass. A half hour later we were parking in the clearing near the opening to the sprawling valley.

  We kicked back at the checkpoint with the other teams. Those two cripples were looking awfully chummy over there. Wouldn't surprise me if they were homos too.

  Peter grabbed a banana and some water from the tables and hydrated. It was getting a little hot, so that's not a bad idea. I grabbed a water too. I was sitting on a rock with my head back, just sunning a bit when I heard a commotion a bit later and the huge throng of spectators started to cheer.

  I grinned. That wou
ld be Herman. I checked my cell as I stood. Ninety three minutes!? That's fifteen minutes faster than his best practice time! This was going to be even easier than I thought.

  I made my way over to the checkpoint to see that old goat of a man walking... yes, walking, up to the checkpoint. What the hell is going on?

  The two girls were there. He tagged off to the tall one with the single leg brace. She didn't take off. Both the girls hugged the crusty old guy and handed him a water bottle. Then the tall one leaned over and kissed the one with the crutch on the lips. I knew it!

  She then turned and walked quickly into the valley below. She wasn't even at jogging speed. It looked like that swift power walk was her top speed with that brace clicking an clacking along. They're not even taking this seriously... what the hell? Well at that speed, at least Peter can overtake her in no time. Now where the hell was Herman?

  I made my way to Peter at the checkpoint as the cripple and the old guy made their way back to the cars. I looked at him. “I don't know how that old geezer beat Herman or how he got here so fast. But you better damn well pass that gimpy girl out there.”

  He had a hard look on his face then finally nodded. He glanced back at the old man getting in the jeep with the other girl. He smiled a little and had a slight look of awe on his face. He was starting to piss me off.

  “What are you smiling about? We have a race to win!”

  Peter looked at me and spoke with his thick Russian accent. “That was Remington Miller! They say there is no man that knows these mountains like him. He used to be a world class climber like fifty years or so ago. I hear there isn't a mountain range he didn't climb in his youth. If anyone can find a shortcut through that pass, it would be him.”

  Was he impressed? I spat out, “Forget him. Just focus! You have a job to do.”

  I moved back and started pacing. A few minutes later there was cheering from the spectators again. I looked over to see Herman scrambling over some rocks and sprinting to Peter who was off like a shot when they tagged off.

  Herman went over to the water and chugged a bottle down. Gasping. He was walking up to me proudly. “How do you like that? I shaved a minute off my best time!”

  I turned my back and started walking to the car. He hustled to catch up. He looked at me. “What's your problem?”

  I stopped before getting into the car and glared at him. “You let that old fossil beat you by fourteen minutes. That's what's wrong, I thought you were a professional. Now Peter won't be able to give me the huge lead I wanted.”

  Herman smiled and nodded. “The old man, huh? Impressive.”

  Why is he smiling? What the hell is wrong with my team, we are here to crush the other teams. I hissed at him. “Get in the car.”

  It was just a short drive down to an impressive timber framed lodge that was converted into an outdoor gear shop, Valentine's Cascade Experience. The waiting four wheelers ushered us through the woods and across a small creek then over a newly groomed trail through some rough area that had been recently cleared to the base of an imposing cliff face. I hear they call it “The Skin”.

  There were already some spectators standing around and the cripple and the geezer were sitting on a rock talking as she was gearing up for the climb. I snorted, she'd be useless on that cliff. Doesn't she know this is for professionals? She should just run off and join the Special Olympics. I sneered.

  Herman followed my gaze then shook his head. “You really aren't a very nice person you know that Martin?”

  I looked at him and spoke with venom in my voice. “I don't pay you to like me, I pay you to win.”

  He shook his head. “No. I don't think so. After today, I quit.”

  I was furious as he turned his back and wandered over to shake the hands of the makeshift team. I yelled, “I'll make sure no other team will take you Herman! You are through with the sport! Are you listening?”

  He just ignored me. How frustrating. I'll use my father's influence to ruin the man. But I have this race in the bag anyway. I'm better than any of these jokers on a rock face.

  More and more teams and spectators were gathering... I checked my gear for the hundredth time when cheering erupted from the crowd. I looked down range a little and Peter was charging toward me at the checkpoint like a freight train. I smiled inwardly as he tagged off and I tackled the wall. I had already picked my route, it would be the quickest way to the checkpoint at the treeline at the top.

  I was bumping up at about twenty feet or so off the deck when I heard cheering again. Another man came over the rise sprinting for the checkpoint. I noticed the cripple coming over the rise at the exact same speed she started behind him, as the second man hit the wall below me. She's still that fast?

  No matter, I'd be up and over the three hundred foot ridge before anyone hit a hundred fifty feet. I put in some extra effort in the next forty feet or so and pulled myself over a buttress onto a long, wide ledge. There were some competition volunteers at the far ends of the ledge.

  I noticed some large angel wings with the letters R.V. Painted on the cliff face here before I glanced down. The girl with all the hardware on her legs was already passing up the number two man. She was taking the wall like a machine. I saw two other teams starting the climb. Enough sight seeing! I started my climb again.

  After about another thirty feet I looked down and saw the girl already on the ledge below, kissing her hand and placing it against the angel wings. I shook my head and continued.

  I was at the trickiest part of the climb, just above the half way point when I heard a sweet voice singing one of those Satin Thunder songs. The girl was only a few feet down from me and about forty feet up range. Crap! She's acting all relaxed with a smile on her face! This is a competition, you don't sing in a competition! She noticed me looking over and yelled in the heaviest Australian accent I had ever heard, “Hello! Wonderful day for a climb isn't it?”

  I ignored her and turned away and redoubled my effort. As we climbed I was feeling muscle fatigue setting in. I was picking the less risky moves as my strength faded. The steady clackity creeeak and happy singing from beside me driving me on. I paid good money to make sure I had the best team and couldn't lose!

  I committed to a move that could pull me ahead and made it through. I glanced back over, the move didn't help. The area she was in has less holds than anywhere else on the cliff. I scouted this route, I know I chose the easiest way to the top. I looked away and concentrated on my climb.

  She passed me with about fifty feet left in the climb. She was still bumping and traversing like it was nothing, she was making tricky moves like she wasn't tired at all. Where was she finding that kind of upper body strength? I looked at her technique. She was using mostly her upper body and her left leg, she just let her right leg hang there, dragging along.

  I couldn't believe it when she rounded the top fifteen feet before me. I caught a glimpse of her back as she stood near the edge and pulled her crutch out of a holster on her back and disappear from view as I crested the ridge.

  Her right leg was flinging all over the place as she quickly made it to the checkpoint before me. What just happened? There's no way we lost. Not to some cripples and an old fart! They had to have cheated.

  As I arrived at the checkpoint for my finish out of breath, I looked back to see two others complete the climb and sprint toward us.

  As the officials at the finish were all shaking her hands. One of the four officials got onto the radio. “And the winner of this years Pacific Northwest Mountain Relay... for the third year running... Team Valentine!”

  I could hear roaring cheers come from below. The two others had arrived and I saw more competitors coming up over the ridge. The girl was heading back toward the ridge, giving high fives and encouraging the others as they ran past to the checkpoint.

  The man continued into the radio. “Second place goes to Team Rhino with a valiant attempt at just plus one minute forty three seconds!”

  There was moderate
cheering from below at this. I was still stunned as he announced the other finishers as they came in. Team Boulder was the other ranked team, they came in third at plus four minutes six seconds.

  I turned my head to the sound of a sweet voice shouting “Belay on?” loudly, just to see the cripple disappear over the ridge on a rope after yelling, “Climb ready!” as she rappelled down the cliff face.

  I was still stunned as Gunter from Team Boulder walked up beside me shooting a smile to where the girl just was. I looked over at him, why the hell was he smiling? “Why are you smiling? Some crippled gay girl just beat us with a team of misfits. That's impossible!”

  The man looked at me in disdain then said with no humor in his voice, “You need to grow up and get over your bigotry, the whole world is passing you by.” How dare him... doesn't he know who I am?

  Then he glanced back at where she had been with a smile. “Never tell that woman or her wife that something is impossible. We didn't stand a chance the moment Team Valentine arrived. I was hoping they wouldn't show this year. It wouldn't matter what lead you had when you hit the wall. There's nobody better on a rock face than that spectacular lady. Once she laid her hands on the cliff it was all over. She chose the toughest route just to give the rest of us a sporting chance. I'm proud to have come so close to their time.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy even though my loss proved his assertion. He looked at me and appeared to be studying my confusion with amusement. Suddenly he grinned hugely. “Don't you know who that was? You lost before you began. That... was Silent Bob!”

  Books in the Music of the Soul universe...

  (All books are standalone and can be read in any order)

  Music of the Soul

  A Deafening Whisper

  Dating Game

  Karaoke Queen

  Silent Bob

  Short Stories in the Music of the Soul universe...

  Misadventures of Victoria Davenport: Operation Matchmaker