A Brand New Ending

by Stephanie Rolls

  “I just wanted to let you know you have a visitor.”

  My heart drops, bile rising in my throat. I feel light headed, like all the oxygen from the world has been removed. He doesn’t have to tell me who it is.

  “She has been here for quite some time actually,” he states, his eyes looking straight into mine. “We’ve been talking.”

  She has been talking to him? Is she alone? I suddenly become very protective; an odd sensation.

  “She would like to speak with you,” he says softly.

  He pauses. “He’s not with her,” he adds, as though he could read my mind.

  My nerves calm a little but of the idea of being alone with Elaina still unsettles me. As much as I want to refuse, I know I need to channel a little Scarlett and try to be brave enough to handle her. I have to be strong. I get up from the ground, dusting the dirt off of me. Following him back into the building I stop at my bedroom door.

  “Is it OK if I just put this back real quick?” I ask.

  “Of course,” he responds, waiting outside.

  I run into the room, putting the novel in my closet. My hands are shaking, my breathing erratic. It’s just Elaina. Shaking my body, I try to stop the nervousness, but it never completely goes away. Walking back out, I see Dr. Harris talking with a nurse, turning his attention back to me instantly.

  “Ready?” I nod.

  We make our way down the long hallway, each second passing slowly. We stop just outside his office door.

  “It will be OK,” he assures me. “I won’t be far.”

  I watch him put his hand on the knob, my body trembling. Pushing it open he allows me to enter first. When I come around the corner, I spot her immediately. She is sitting in the same chair I had sat in not 24 hours ago. And for some reason that angers me. I feel like she is intruding. Intruding the one place I feel safe. Well, safe from them anyway. When I get fully into the room, my eyes fixate on the bookcase as though it’s another person. Elaina’s eyes fixate on me. A smile blooms on her face. Fake.

  I look closer at her eyes, noticing that they are bloodshot and red, and the skin around them puffy. There is a tissue in her hand. Who knew she had emotions. She goes to get up from her chair but the purse that was on her lap falls to the floor, the contents spilling everywhere.

  “Oh, I’m such a klutz,” she says through a broken voice.

  She bends down, trying to pick everything up quickly. Dr. Harris, who must have been behind me this whole time, walks around me, helping her. I remain frozen, laughing to myself on the inside. Typical dramatic Elaina. When they finish up, Dr. Harris calls me over. When I go to move my foot forward I feel myself kick something. Looking down there is a can of pepper spray settled between my feet. Picking it up, I walk over to the other couch, holding it out to her. She gives me a crooked smile and takes it from me. What does she need that for? The room falls silent and I start to chew on the inside of my cheek. Dr Harris remains standing and looks over at me.

  “Your mother…” She’s not my mother. “Would like to talk to you. And I think that you owe it to her to listen.”

  I involuntarily give him my biggest bitch face.

  “It doesn’t seem like I have a choice,” I snap.

  “Phoenix,” I hear Elaina say.

  “Don’t call me that,” I respond, my voice angered.

  “I can’t call you by the name that I gave you?” she says harshly.

  “You didn’t name me, dad did,” I say, hoping to hurt her.

  “Don’t bring your father into this,” she says.

  I hear her sigh then close her eyes. “I didn’t come here to fight with you,” she adds.

  Her eyes are now open again and she turns to face Dr. Harris. “Can I have some alone time with my daughter?”

  I snap my eyes up at him, silently begging him to stay.

  He clears his throat before speaking. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

  To be honest, I don’t know which one of us he’s talking to. Once he leaves the room things remain silent until she speaks first.

  “How have you been, sweetheart?” she asks, her body now shifted to face me.

  “Why are you here?” I immediately say, not answering her question.

  “I wanted to see how you are.”

  “That’s bullshit,” I mutter under my breath.

  I hear her sigh again, her face dropping. A twinge of guilt runs through me. Don’t play into it.

  “So, how have things been with Mr. Charming?”

  I don’t even want to say his fucking name. Elaina looks back up and reaches over, setting her hand down on top of mine. I stare down at it for a second before moving back so that it falls off.

  “He’s gone, baby,” she says, a smile on her face.

  I laugh. “Good one Elaina.”

  “God damnit, Phoenix,” she hisses. “Stop it.”

  “Stop what?” I say calmly, knowing it’s pissing her off.

  “Why do you do this to me?”

  I laugh. “Do what to you?”

  My voice escalates to match hers. Elaina takes another deep breath. “I am your mother, whether you like it or not. And I came here to get you back, sweetie,” she says as she gets up and sits next to me on the couch. She reaches out and grabs my hands again, holding on tight so I can’t pull away.

  “I came here to apologize.” Tears start to gather in her eyes. “And that I know. I’ve always known, but I’ve been too cowardly to do anything about it. And I’m so, so sorry, baby,” she adds.

  I look at her confused. “Know what?” I ask. I wanted to her say it. Out loud. I wanted her to admit that she has knowingly allowed her disgusting man put his hands on me. And that she never did anything to stop it. Nothing. Removing her hands from mine she starts to take her scarf off, and I now realize how many layers she was actually wearing. I can’t help but stare at her as she removes it slowly, my eyes focus on the bruises. I think I gasp. I can’t be quite sure. Some kind of noise comes out of me. From deep in my gut, where I feel like I’ve been punched.

  “Mom,” I say, reaching out.

  I put my hand up to my lips, shocked that I even knew how to say that word. The marks on her neck are all too familiar. I can tell that they are slightly yellow around the edges, a sign that they are starting to heal.

  “When did this happen?” I ask, still surprised by my own compassion. She reaches up putting her hand over it.

  “Oh, a few weeks ago.” I look down at my hands. “But he’s gone now, baby.”

  The anger in me starts to return. I stand up, my body towering over her. “So, it took him hitting you for you to kick his ass to the curb?”

  A sorrowful look comes across her face but doesn’t answer. “Why didn’t you ever believe me?” I ask, trying to calm myself. “I never gave you a reason not to trust me.”

  “I know, sweetie,” she answers, her voice cracking. “I wouldn’t exactly call myself mother of the year.”

  I bite my lip to refrain myself from the venom my mouth wants to spew at her. She scoots even closer. “But from here on out, I want to make things better. I want to start anew.”

  I look at her confused. “Dr. Harris is releasing you, baby,” she says reaching up and brushing my cheeks. “You get to come home.”

  Tears start prick at my eyes and as much as I try to stop them I can’t.

  “Ahh, sweetie,” she says as she wipes them away. “Are those happy or sad tears?” Honestly, how can she even ask?

  I turn my head so I no longer face her. I can’t look at her anymore. My eyes land on the bookcase again. My mind goes to Sophia. To him. To them. Family.

  “He said that I could leave?” I say turning back to her.

  “Uh huh!”

  Just like that I was free? How could he think I’m ready for this? I hear a knock on the door, Dr. Harris entering.

  “Everything going OK in here?” he asks as he shuts the door behind him. I wipe away the tears I’ve been silently sheddi
ng from my face, suddenly embarrassed.

  “Of course!” Elaina says her tone all too confident.

  “Great,” Dr. Harris says as he crosses his hands. “Well, if you don’t mind I would like to speak to Phoenix alone.”

  Elaina nods and reaches over to give me a hug, my body stays rigid.

  “I love you, sweetie,” she whispers in my ear before kissing the side of my head. I don’t respond. I haven’t said those three words to anyone since the day of my father’s death. She lets go of me and gets up, leaving Dr. Harris and I alone. I shake my head slightly, realizing I feel safer with him than I do my own flesh and blood. Dr. Harris sits down in the chair opposite me.

  “How are you feeling, Phoenix?” he asks.

  “Fine,” I say confused by his question.

  “Well, I am sure that your mother told you, but I have signed your release paperwork.” Those words coming from his lips scare me even more.

  “Dr. Young and I have talked quite extensively and we feel that your time here is no longer a necessity. However, I do strongly suggest that you continue intensive outpatient therapy.”

  I don’t respond. My mind going in a million different directions.

  “Since you are older than 18, I can’t force you to go to your mother,” he continues. “But I feel that rebuilding your relationship with her will be very beneficial.”

  I bite my lip. He stops talking, allowing me to gather my thoughts.

  “I’m scared,” I blurt out.

  “I know you are. You have a long road to recovery, Phoenix. But you’re ready to face the outside world. You can’t stay in this bubble forever. Part of recovering is learning to be on the outside again. Learning to deal with fear and anger from everyday situations. You’re ready for the next step,” he says. “Your mother and I have talked at great length. I wouldn’t be releasing you if he were still in the picture.”

  “OK,” I say while nodding. I can stay with her until I find a job and then be on my own.

  “Great,” he says then stands.

  “Do I have to go now?” I ask my nerves still high.

  “No, she will be back tomorrow morning to pick you up. Give you some time to get your things together and to say goodbye.”

  Goodbye? My mind goes instantly to Rain and immediately I don’t want to go. I stand up and nod.

  “Thank you, Dr. Harris,” I say.

  He smiles. “How many times have I told you to call me Neil?”

  “Not enough.” I respond with a smile.

  “Good luck to you, Phoenix,” he says holding his hand out. “I’m always a phone call away.”

  I look down at his hand and then take it in mine. His handshake is firm. For some reason I feel like I am saying goodbye not only to him. Exiting the room the hospital looks completely different. Foreign. Didn’t I just think of this as my safe place? I am glad when I see Elaina is talking with a nurse, so I just slip past her and head immediately for my room. When I open the door Rain is sitting upright, her outfit and hair perfect. A pout forms across her face and I can’t help but laugh and shake my head.

  “Of course you know,” I say as I enter the room.

  She stands up and puts her arms around me. “I am so happy for you, Phoenix.”

  “But what about you?” I ask.

  She pulls back and waves it off. “I will be fine, just think how much bigger my room will be again.”

  I laugh as we both sit down on my bed. “So, she showed up, huh?”

  I nod. “Was it weird seeing her?” I nod again. Unable to speak without the emotions crashing down again.

  ~

  The last night in the hospital was my most restless. By around two in the morning I had given up and decide to roam the hallways which were eerily quiet at this hour. I haven’t seen Donovan in a really long time. I wish he was here for me to say goodbye, but that would probably only make things worse. Turning the corner I decide to head outside, the building becoming stifling. As usual it’s freezing out but I couldn’t care less. Walking the length of the courtyard all I can think about is him. When I reach the fence I look out over the bay, seeing the lights of the Golden Gate shinning. I find myself staring at it, probably longer that I should have. It’s in that moment I realize how much life has changed. How much I have changed. Maybe things really can be different. Maybe I can be a little like Scarlett.

  I look up at the sky, almost hoping for an answer or something. Pulling myself away from the fence I head back inside, my arms wrapped around myself. Just as I reach inside I hear a large roll of thunder, it jarring me slightly.

  ~

  Ten came way too fucking quickly. Elaina had left behind some clothes for me yesterday and I would be lying if I wasn’t excited to see my favorite shoes and a hooded sweatshirt. Maybe she has changed. When I had finished packing I gave Rain a hug, promising her that I would come back to visit her. Dr. Harris ushered me out, but stopped before we reached Elaina, who was now outside waiting. I can tell something is off with him and that worries me.

  “Is everything OK?” I blurt out.

  He smiles. “Yes, I’m sorry. I don’t wish to worry you,” he says as he pulls out a piece of paper. “I know that this may be very untoward, but I wanted to give you my phone numbers.”

  I look down, taking the piece of paper from him. He clears his throat before continuing. “There is my number for here…” he points to the first one. “And then at the bottom, my personal cell and home number. Please don’t ever hesitate to call me if you need anything.”

  I look back up at him. Was there some “Save Phoenix” program I didn’t know about?

  “Thank you,” I say, oddly warmed by the gesture. “Oh and I almost forgot.” I reach around grabbing the book out of my bag. “Here, this belongs to you.”

  Dr. Harris takes it in his hands, a smile on his face. He traces his fingers across the cover as though retracing a memory and hands it back towards me.

  “You take it. You haven’t finished it have you?” he asks

  I shake my head. “Well, then it’s settled. Bring it back to me when you’re done with it. I’d love to hear what you think of the story.”

  I reach up slowly taking it again. “Thank you…Neil,” I say, a smile on my face. “I will take good care of it.”

  “You’re most welcome, Phoenix. Take good care of yourself too.”

  When we make it through the automatic door, I immediately spot Elaina. She’s sitting in the car and I must say I’m not surprised to see the white, piece of shit El Camino. I turn around to give Dr. Harris a smile before Elaina spots us, jumping out of the car to grab my things. She looks truly happy. I take one last scan of the hospital, knowing what I am looking for. When I don’t see it I slide into the passenger’s seat, Elaina shutting it behind me.

  “Goodbye, Braeden,” I whisper as we pull out, the view of the hospital out of sight.

  ~

  As soon as we pulled out I could feel my nerves rising, the signs of a panic attack becoming apparent. Reaching over I crank the window down, the fresh air feels good. I close my eyes, knowing every turn from the hospital to the house, it being only a ten-minute drive. When I feel the vehicle come to a complete stop I keep my eyes closed for a prolonged period of time before opening them, one by one. The house looks exactly the same and for some reason that unsettles me. Elaina jumps out of the car and walks over to my door, opening it. I know that she is putting on a show and I try to not get caught up in her games. She goes to reach for my bag but I grab it first, not wanting her to tarnish it. When I stand in the driveway, I look over at the oil spots on the concrete where Carl’s truck is usually parked.

  Biting my lip, I make it up the steps to the front door, Elaina already inside. I’m glad she’s not hovering. Once I get inside things start to feel foreign. I had only spent thirty days at the hospital, but it seemed like an eternity. I spot Elaina come out of the kitchen, two glasses in her hands. I know instantly what she has.

  “It’s stil
l your favorite right?” she asks, handing one glass to me.

  I shrug. “I didn’t have much other than water in the hospital,” I say taking a sip.

  I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. This was my father’s favorite drink when there was no beer in the house. But he did always tell me that Elaina used to make them for him. He always liked the way the sparkling water fizzed the orange juice. I take another sip, an awkward silence overtakes the room.

  “Well, I think I am going to just go up to my room. That is, if it’s still there.”

  I hear Elaina huff. “Of course it’s still there.”

  I just nod while holding the drink up in the air. “Thanks for the drink.”

  I clutch my bag in my hand as I make my way up the stairs, keeping my eyes forward, fixated only on the direction of my room. I find myself becoming antsy so I start to take two steps at a time, reaching my door within seconds. Slamming it behind me I lean against the back of it, my chest heaving. When I have calmed down slightly I put my bag on my bed, looking around at everything. It all seems so unfamiliar. Like another version of me lived here previously. Pulling the book out, I reach over, opening my nightstand drawer, a small flask clanking against the side. I pick it up, unscrewing the lid and lift it up to my nose and inhale. Vodka.

  Grabbing my cup, I empty its contents; figuring being drunk at this moment could only help things. I walk back over to my bed, grabbing the rest of the contents of my bag in my arms in one big fabric mess. Walking over to my closet I slide the doors open with my foot. As I go to throw them in I feel a sharp pain on my ankle. Dropping the pile I look down, a small ball of toilet paper lies just to the left of my foot. Reaching down I feel its sharp edges, my heart instantly sinking. With it still in my hands I walk back to my nightstand slowly and grab my cup, downing it without taking a breath.

  I sit down on my bed, slowly unwrapping it, sheet by sheet, until the figure is exposed. Holding the seal in my hand, all the emotions I had been holding onto break loose. I heave, the tears coming too fast, my breathing not able to keep up. I instantly start to feel like I may pass out. Throwing the figurine onto my desk I pull the door open, heading to the bathroom. I turn the cold faucet on, splashing water on my face. When I start to feel a little better I sit on top of the toilet, my elbows rested on my knees, holding a damp towel on my face.