The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  He kept droning on, but I tuned the rest out. It was all just a lot of fate-related bullshit with no real direction. Despite their bluster, I got the distinct impression that neither of these two would truly put their ass on the line if push came to shove. Still, who cared? The main thing that was of interest to me had already been implied.

  I was going home.

  Upgraded Seating

  We approached the gate, beyond which lay the airport’s tarmac. Two guards walked forward to greet us. There could still be trouble if they managed to sound an alarm or...

  Out of the corner of my eye, Thea flashed her fangs. I thought she might be readying to attack, but the two guards immediately snapped to attention, shouted some greeting I couldn’t understand, and then bowed deeply.

  We continued to approach until I was close enough to smell that they were both human. Interesting. Did these guys work for the First, or were they just used to vampires bossing them around?

  One of them produced a printout with a picture of me on it - a wanted poster. Well, that explained it.

  The two guards began to question us...or more precisely, my companions. All I could do was stand there and nod like an idiot, trying to pick up the occasional word or phrase I might understand. Their tone remained respectful, but the tension began to build.

  At last, one of them pulled a walkie-talkie out and raised it to his mouth.

  “THAT WILL BE ENOUGH!!” Joshua compelled them.

  Their eyes glazed over as they awaited whatever came next. Joshua, for his part, looked unfazed. The extra oomph needed to compel humans apparently wasn’t an issue for vamps his age.

  “YOU WILL GIVE US THE INFORMATION WE SEEK, THEN LET US PASS!! NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY HAS OCCURRED HERE!! ONCE THE FLIGHT WE SEEK HAS DEPARTED, YOU WILL BOTH COMPLAIN OF ILLNESS AND RETURN TO YOUR HOMES!!”

  Thea stepped up to him and Joshua turned to her questioningly. She smiled back. “Loose ends, my friend.”

  He bowed his head slightly and bade her to continue.

  “YOU ARE BOTH DEPRESSED!!” she commanded. “YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH THE DIRECTION YOUR LIVES HAVE TAKEN!! She turned to the first. “YOU WILL HANG YOURSELF!!”

  Holy shit! What the fuck was she doing?

  “AND YOU WILL TAKE YOUR FIREARM AND USE IT TO PUT A BULLET INTO YOUR BRAIN!!”

  I opened my mouth to protest, but realized there wasn’t much I could do. A compulsion by a master vampire was nearly impossible for someone like me to undo. I’d have needed to put the bite on one of them first, absorb their power, and then try it. And that all assumed they would let me...probably a losing proposition.

  Holy fuck, talk about a lousy way to go. I’d have almost sooner seen these two assholes just snap the guards’ necks and be done with it.

  It just served as a reminder that, regardless of what they claimed, we weren’t even close to being on the same side. It was something to keep in mind. I had a nasty habit of getting comfortable with people. Fuckers like these, well, I’d be wise not to turn my back on them too readily.

  Joshua consulted with one of the guards - still glassy eyed - at their station, then walked back while the other unlocked the gate.

  “We are in luck,” he said. “There is a flight leaving shortly, bound for your home country. We have just enough time to get you aboard.”

  “Well...”

  “Yes, Freewill?”

  “There’s the little problem of me not having a passport.”

  He smiled broadly at that, letting out a small chuckle. “Trust me. That will not be an issue.”

  * * *

  Rather than reenter the terminal, we walked across the tarmac. Once inside, nobody paid us any mind. I had to assume the vamps did this sort of thing often. I briefly turned back toward the gate as we walked. How many humans had been casually tossed to the side like garbage, all because they happened to be at an inconvenient place at the wrong time?

  “There is a problem, Freewill?” Thea asked. “You seem pensive.”

  “It’s just those guards...”

  “My apologies. I should have offered them to you first.”

  “Huh?”

  “I assumed you were sated.”

  “What?”

  She stopped and sniffed. Oh crap. The severed head in my pack could be a difficult one to explain if it was found out.

  “You reek of blood, after all.” She raised an eyebrow. “Your bag, in particular, is heavy with its scent.”

  I’d forgotten about that. Diluted as it was, it was still blood, and I’d gotten pretty doused with it. There was also the fact that the head was wrapped in material soaked through with it. I needed to think fast if I had any hope of covering my ass.

  “Um...I killed a tourist on the way over. Stuffed his liver in here just in case I...got hungry during the flight.”

  “Planning ahead, I see.” The barest tone of admiration entered her voice. “Perhaps your escape was not as amateurish as I had assumed.”

  It was, but there was no need to let her know that. I was too close to take any chances. I’d only breathe a sigh of relief when I was safely buckled into my seat. Now, to only hope that they weren’t stuffing me into coach. There was also the issue of what to do once I got back to the States. I doubted customs back home would be quite as forgiving as that of this bloodsucker paradise.

  Fuck it. I’d worry about that bridge when it came time to cross it. Hell, living in an airport like in that stupid Tom Hanks movie would be preferable to hanging out in the dungeons of Castle Douchula for all eternity.

  “There, Freewill.” Joshua pointed toward a massive 747 with the United logo on it. “We must be quick. They will be loading the storage hold soon.”

  “Wait...storage hold?”

  * * *

  Goddamnit! What is it with other vampires constantly shipping me like I was a fucking piece of luggage? Christ! Sure, I didn’t often buy into the hype, but even so, I was the Freewill their legends spoke of. You’d think that would at least rate a seat in fucking business class. Oh well, at least I wasn’t nailed into a box this time.

  Thea and Joshua used their compulsion voodoo to fuck with the minds of the humans loading the luggage. I tried real hard to not listen, but even so, I had the feeling that the next day would bring with it news of a string of unexplained suicides.

  I understood why they were doing so. Despite the unlikelihood of Alex getting his own hands dirty, there still existed the possibility he would interrogate people to find out my whereabouts. They obviously knew he was strong enough to overcome their own compulsions. It was the ultimate act of covering their tracks. Much like a black ops mission, the only way to ensure there were no dissenting viewpoints was if there were no witnesses.

  Even so, it made me sick. I had little doubt that many lives would be lost in the coming war. As sad as that made me, I couldn’t allow myself to become burdened by the guilt of them all. I mean, shit happened. Still, those people today had been thrown away needlessly just so a few vamps could cover their bloody asses.

  Oh well, I would have plenty of time in the hours ahead to torture myself - assuming, of course, I didn’t freeze or pass out from oxygen deprivation during the flight. Hell, with my luck, we’d suffer a midair collision with some primal god and they’d end up sifting my ashes from the wreckage.

  That kind of positive thinking wasn’t exactly going to make this trip any shorter. I needed to stow it and worry about more important shit - like what the fuck I was going to do if I needed to catch a connecting flight to actually get back home. Hell, even assuming that wasn’t an issue, there was still the problem of slipping out unnoticed once I was back on the ground.

  Pressed with the need to think through my next steps strategically, I opted to pass the time by opening up the luggage around me and going through the other passengers’ shit.

  * * *

  To help pass the time, I busied myself by pretending a twelve inch pink dildo was a lightsaber - noting with amazement how man
y I’d found in the surrounding suitcases. After the plane took off, it had been child’s play to snap those sad little luggage locks people use in a futile attempt to keep folks like me out of their stuff. I then settled into a little nest I’d made out of coats and sweaters - keeping myself relatively comfortable in the coolness of the cargo hold.

  With that all done, the boredom of the long flight ahead set in. I rapidly grew tired of fighting off an imaginary Darth Vader with my Jedi vibrator. With nothing better to do, I pulled out my misappropriated phone to see if maybe there were any games loaded. Even if it was in German, Angry Birds still wasn’t all that hard to figure out.

  Oh nasty! Upon opening the photo app, I realized my fat friend and his unattractive wife had made a sex tape. Jeez, it was like watching two hippos fuck.

  On the flipside, it wasn’t like I had much else to do. Screw it. Even shitty porn still had entertainment value.

  * * *

  The snow that fell around us began to mix with the blood and ash of the battle, leaving the rooftop covered in a vile slush. Remington and his men had crashed through our meager fortifications and engaged us. The numbers were on their side, but we’d managed to hold our own for a time. Sadly, it hadn’t lasted.

  I looked around and took in the bleakness of our situation. Ed was down, possibly dying. Christy stood over him defensively. Sally was doing her damnedest to inflict as many casualties as she could, but was slowly being forced back.

  Things got worse from there. Gan was waylaid and driven over the edge. I cried out for her, not believing she was gone. I then watched as Christy collapsed from the strain of the constant battle. That was two of our number down. Surely defeat was near.

  Then I saw her. A glowing white angel clad in armor, she cut through Remington’s men like butter. Ashes flew wherever she touched them - the fires of faith empowering her. She was marvelous to behold. Sheila, the reborn Icon of Faith, foretold as the last defense of humanity against the coming darkness. Even had she not been the Icon, she was still the girl I was hopelessly in love with. Pity that a part of the prophecy entailed a final fight to the death between us - the world going to the victor.

  I didn’t believe it, though. The hell with seers and their mystic bullshit. We’d make it to the end of this war, but we’d do it together - hopefully as more than friends, but I’d take what I could get.

  Except that wasn’t to be.

  The battle moved on seemingly in fast forward. Tom pulled a gun on us, his mind pushed to the breaking point. He was fairly easy to subdue, although I hated myself for having to do it. Unfortunately, Remington proved to be a much harder foe to dispatch.

  Before I could stop him, he pulled the trigger - shooting Sheila point blank in the head with the heavy caliber weapon. Her - our - destiny was erased in one terrible moment. Mankind’s defender was felled, but I couldn’t have cared less. Without her, it didn’t matter if the world burned or not. All I wanted in that moment was my revenge...

  * * *

  I awoke with a start, a cry escaping my lips. Despite the coolness of the cargo hold, I was covered in sweat. Awake or not, the dream refused to leave me - continuing to play out in my mind. After several minutes, I began to understand why. It was exactly the same as that stupid movie I’d watched in my brain - the same outcomes my subconscious had been insisting were real every time I thought back upon the participants.

  There was only one conclusion - it hadn’t been a dream.

  Whatever block had been in my mind shattered upon that realization. I remembered it all - at least up to the point where I descended upon Remington. I had no idea what happened after that, but considering what I’d heard, it was a fair bet that he hadn’t survived.

  The only question was whether anyone else had. I’d succumbed to the beast inside, gladly giving up any pretense of control. Once released, had he fallen upon my friends as he had Remington? That was a possibility too horrible to consider.

  Even so, the story I’d been given was somewhat different from those events. If there’d been no survivors, it was still possible that a vampire cleanup crew could’ve come to those conclusions. Still, it sounded a little too tidy. There didn’t seem to be any speculation as to the betrayal I’d made against the vampire nation. No, it was definitely too neat, as if someone had spun it that way, someone with a vested interest in covering their own actions in the whole fucked-up endeavor. This practically reeked of Sally’s involvement.

  If she had made it, wasn’t it possible that the others had, too?

  Not all of them, though. Gan and Sheila hadn’t. I’d seen enough to know that. That first one stung - my heart going out to the little psycho. That other, however, was utterly devastating.

  Or at least it should have been.

  It had been the event that pushed me over the edge, throwing me into the equivalent of a subconscious prison for three months. Hell, if Dr. Death hadn’t decided that he’d had enough of the constant poking and prodding, I’d still be there, blissfully unaware of anything except my daily routine.

  Even knowing all of that, I couldn’t seem to quite grasp the same pit of despair that I had. I wasn’t happy about it, don’t get me wrong, but I felt - I don’t know - hollow inside. It was as if whatever grief I had in me had been completely burned out.

  That wasn’t too surprising. Running on nothing but pure rage for months would probably be a bit much for most anyone. The truth was, I wasn’t entirely upset about that. Despite wanting to crawl up into a little ball, a sense of clarity came over me. Whatever future had been ahead for Sheila and me- whether real or just imagined by me - was gone, but it didn’t have to be for nothing.

  Thea and Josh were hoping that I’d work against Alex’s plans, but I was going to make sure to do one better. The Icon was foretold to be humanity’s last defense against the coming darkness, but the prophecies weren’t worth shit - I knew that now. Alex might as well just use them all to wipe his ass. All of it was a lie. So why not work with that?

  The others could believe what they wanted, but I would be forging ahead with my own destiny. Sheila was gone, but she would not be so easily forgotten. Not only would I refuse to be the spearhead of evil I was expected to be, I would step into her shoes - figuratively, of course.

  Humanity needed a defender, and I just so happened to have an updated resume, so to speak. I vowed to honor her memory and make her proud - wherever she might be looking down from.

  I would stand tall in the face of ultimate evil.

  I would...

  The plane shuddered and I fell off the suitcases I’d been sitting upon, landing on my ass. Whoa! I would need to survive this flight first.

  The jostling continued as the massive plane passed through what I hoped was only some nasty turbulence. It would be really fucking difficult to defend humanity if I wound up smeared across a mile of wreckage.

  The cabin tilted forward and the whine of the engine indicated we were descending. I’d never been overly afraid of flying, but I’ll admit I tried to mentally calculate our downward angle - my plan being to shit myself once it got past sixty degrees.

  The shuddering got worse, and another sound roared over that made by the aircraft's engine - thunder. Oh, fuck. Before my little rage nap, a weird-ass storm had rolled into town. Multi-colored lightning, unseasonal temperatures, and the like followed in its wake. Gan had been of the opinion that it was supernatural in nature - a showing of strength by whatever entities were about to burst through into our world and fuck it up. After everything I’d seen, I was inclined to believe her.

  While it was possible that we were just flying through a regular storm, I sincerely doubted fate would let me off that easily. I seemed to be a beacon for weird shit. It would be just my luck for Thor, God of Thunder, to check up on things and inadvertently blow me out of the sky at the same time.

  The plane jolted again and once more knocked me from my feet. I clonked my head a good one against the fuselage just as the whine of wheels braking so
unded all around me.

  Holy shit, we’d made it.

  That final jostling had been the plane landing. I was back - hopefully. That meant I could return home, maybe take a breather and plan my next step. It would be so awesome to see my friends...

  Oh no.

  I replayed the newly regained memories of that final battle. What a goddamned selfish asshole I was. I’d been so busy focusing on Sheila that I’d overlooked Tom and Ed. What a piece of shit I was. They were my two best friends in this world, and I hadn’t given them a second thought.

  Christy’s errant magic had brainwashed Tom into despising me. I’d snapped him out of it, but how was I to know what had happened next? I was hopeful he’d survived, but there was a good chance he’d done so continuing to hate me.

  I couldn’t even say that much about Ed. He’d been in the process of turning when we’d saved him. Even Sheila, with her magical healing touch, hadn’t been sure of his survival. It was possible he hadn’t...

  No!

  I couldn’t torture myself with that. There was no point. I needed to know for sure - then I could torture myself.

  As the plane slowed, I remembered what was in my pocket, then smacked myself in the forehead. What an idiot I could be. I still had that fat dude’s cell phone. Sure, he’d probably get fucked with roaming charges, but that wasn’t exactly my problem.

  I pulled it out and immediately realized I had a completely different problem - it was dead.

  Guess I shouldn’t have spent so much time staring at his homemade Deep Throat remake. Go figure.

  Pit Stop

  If my knowledge of airlines was still valid, then I didn’t have much time before the cargo doors were opened. I needed to get my shit together.

  The first order of business was to make sure my glorious return wasn’t a short-lived one. I had no clue what time of day it was. It could’ve been high noon for all I knew. The storm continued to rage outside, but that didn’t mean shit. With my luck, it would quickly clear up and leave me standing around in broad daylight for all of the thirty seconds it would take for me to vaporize.