The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  There was also the fact that I wasn’t too big on getting soaked if it was raining. Hey, being an undead monster didn’t mean I liked walking around wet and miserable. Squishy sneakers weren’t cool no matter how dead you might be.

  Fortunately, I had an entire cargo hold at my disposal. Sure, some of the passengers might be pissed to find their stuff missing, but maybe next time they’d know better than to take a flight with a stowaway in the luggage hold.

  I tore through the bags until I found a hoodie, coat, and gloves. I also found a new pair of expensive-looking Nike high tops in my size. I already was wearing a pair of shoes, but what the fuck? It’s not like I wasn’t already committing a felony.

  Once suitably attired for whatever weather awaited me, I grabbed my bag and...

  Oh crap, my bag. I had completely forgotten about my traveling companion - what with worrying about my roommates, mourning Sheila, and watching homemade porn. Hopefully, those blood-soaked towels had kept Richard Cranium properly...err...bloodified.

  I quickly unzipped the bag to check, moving aside the now dry and crusty towels.

  Oh, that wasn’t good.

  In the space of however long the flight took, my bodiless friend appeared to have aged a couple of centuries. He’d had a rugged jaw and dark hair when I packed him away, but now, he kinda looked like he drank from the wrong grail from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. His skin was wrinkled, cracked, and sickly grey in color. His formerly black hair was now dull and shriveled. His eyes had rolled up into his head and the parts I could see were all dried out. Worst of all, his mouth was locked open in what appeared to be a silent scream, as if he’d tried crying out for help, only to be ignored.

  “Um...hello?”

  There was no response, not that I expected there to be any. Sad to say, but he didn’t appear to have survived the trip.

  How wonderful. I was now the proud owner of a mummified vampire head - quite the souvenir. It would probably look dandy on a shelf next to Tom’s action figures.

  I was tempted to just toss the sack back amongst the rest of the luggage. That ought to give some poor shmuck a start when he picked it up. The look on their face alone would probably have made this entire ordeal worthwhile. On the other hand, leaving around evidence of vampire existence was probably not an overly smart thing - especially since it would undoubtedly be traced back to me. Oh well, I could figure out how to get rid of it later. Maybe toss it in a dumpster or something once I was out of there.

  And out of there I would soon be, for that’s when the door to the cargo hold was cracked open.

  * * *

  I considered standing there and letting them see me, maybe saying something awesome like, “Declare this, bitches.” Instead, I hid like a pussy - realizing my triumphant return would be spoiled if it began with a dozen TSA agents tackling me.

  A man stepped into the hold. A conveyer belt led downward behind him. Beyond that, the storm raged in full force, the rain coming down in sheets. It wasn’t quite perfect cover, but it would hopefully be enough to let me get off the tarmac and get lost in a crowd somewhere.

  The man bent down, still unaware of my presence, and began grabbing luggage. Thinking quickly, I hefted an oversized bag and threw it at him. He went down with an “oof!” amongst the sea of suitcases and I made my move.

  I raced to the exit and took a look around. Sure enough, there were others working below, but thankfully, they were all heads-down - shielding themselves from the weather. I wasn’t going to get a better chance at this.

  The drop to the ground wasn’t too bad, especially for one with vampire powers. I slipped out, landed, and immediately put all of my speed to bear - running full out so as not to be noticed. The weather was absolutely awful - rain pelting me sideways with barely any visibility at all, even with my enhanced senses. Regardless, I was happy to have it as I made my way past parked airport vehicles, trying to be careful not to wander out onto the runway.

  Lightning flashed across the sky. Unsurprisingly, it blazed a color other than the normal white. The sky was heavily overcast, yet I could tell by the light it was daytime. That was probably good. It would give me a better chance of finding a crowd to disappear amongst.

  I kept dodging and weaving, making it a point to keep my head down in case anyone saw me, which was also practical with the weather.

  Finally, I vaulted a chain link fence with a running start and found myself in what looked to be long-term parking. Yes!

  Not wanting to press my luck, I kept moving and finally spotted an entrance to the terminal, one that was in heavy use. A few more moments found me inside and lost amongst the crowd of people either commuting or going on vacation.

  I kept expecting a hand to fall upon my shoulder and turn to find a small army of angry security guards, but for the moment, I seemed to be anonymous - just one more wet, annoyed traveler amongst the pack.

  I allowed myself a small sigh of relief as I passed a Dunkin Donuts. Oh yeah, I was definitely back in the States. I even briefly considered stopping in for a cruller. Sadly, all I had on me were a few German krugerrands or whatever the fuck I’d stolen off that guy in the castle. I had a feeling those wouldn’t be accepted and it wasn’t important enough for me to waste the effort looking for a place to exchange them.

  No, it was time to figure out exactly where I was and how to get back home. If luck was with me, this was either La Guardia or JFK. If so I could...

  It wasn’t.

  I spotted a sign that told me exactly where I was - Newark Liberty International Airport.

  It wasn’t quite Hell, but close enough.

  Of all the places to be, I was in fucking New Jersey.

  * * *

  My plight wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t terrible, either. I knew where I was and, best of all, had a friend in town. I wasn’t sure what his thoughts would be upon seeing me, considering my absence had caused me to inadvertently blow off his game for the past three months. Dave was nothing if not an angry god when acting as dungeon master for my gaming group. There was also the fact that when last I’d seen him, he was busy cultivating a small colony of vampire mice - courtesy of him being amongst the few humans who knew my secret and the only one gleefully conducting crimes against nature by way of said knowledge.

  Oh well, that didn’t matter to me right then. What did was that Dave was still a friend, even if he did insist on occasionally doing questionable things like snipping off my toes for his research.

  * * *

  With no American currency and being forced to move at normal human speeds, it took me longer than I’d have liked to reach his apartment. Newark, even in the middle of a biblical torrent, was never an empty place. By the time I got there, I was soaked to the bone despite my purloined coverings.

  It was with no small amount of relief when I finally knocked on his door. My only hope was that he was actually home - a rarity some days. Dave was a medical resident and tended to keep odd hours. Breaking into the apartment of the guy who could smite my character with any of a thousand different curses wasn’t my ideal reunion tactic, but I would still do so rather than stand out in this storm like a...

  “Who the fuck is it? I’m trying to take a nap.”

  Gotta love Dave. His pleasant bedside manner extended to all parts of his life. It was a small wonder he hadn’t chosen some other altruistic profession such as priest, grief counselor, or Guantanamo Bay torturer.

  “Open up, it’s the police!” What can I say? I was in no mood to fuck around. It wasn’t like I was having a good time prancing around in a warm summer shower.

  Needless to say, the sound of footsteps approaching reached my ears in due order.

  The door opened a sliver - as I’d taken the liberty of putting my finger over the peephole - and I was met with a pair of angry, questioning eyes.

  “Show me a badge.”

  “I can do one better.” I whipped off the sopping wet hood and grinned.

  Dave blinked in surpris
e, his eyes opening wide. “Holy shit. Bill?”

  “No, it’s Mother Nature. Now open the goddamned door and let me in before I drown out here.”

  He backed up a step and opened up the door, giving me a look at him standing there in a t-shirt and boxers. Not exactly the sight I’d hoped to find greeting me upon my triumphant return.

  I stepped past him, glad to be out of the weather. He shut and locked the door behind me before turning to my still dripping form.

  “You know, they have these wonderful new inventions called umbrellas.”

  “I’ll try to remember that the next time I stow away on a flight back from Switzerland.” I dropped the bag containing the desiccated head onto the floor with a thunk. Oh well, it wasn’t like he was going to be feeling much. I then proceeded to peel off my purloined coat - making a mental note that next time I’d steal something a bit more weatherproof.

  “Switzerland?” he asked. “So that’s where you’ve been all this time?”

  “Apparently.” I took a seat on his couch, not caring much if I got it wet. It’s not like his furnishings were exactly top of the line.

  “So all this time that you’ve been blowing off our game, screwing up my experiments, and worrying everybody sick, you’ve just been on some fucking vampire vacation?”

  I couldn’t help but notice the priority he’d given to his accusations, albeit it wasn’t all that surprising, considering the source. Still, I decided it would be best to save that topic for another time. “Not quite. What your people call a vacation, I call an incarceration.”

  “I couldn’t have called it anything.” He walked over to his bathroom. “Nobody would tell me shit. The only thing I got out of Tom was that you were busy with vampire business. Not exactly the most useful thing to go on.” He emerged holding a towel and tossed it to me. I caught it, but only barely registered that it wasn’t exactly the cleanest thing I’d ever touched. His mention of my roommate had definitely not gone unnoticed.

  “Thanks.”

  He probably assumed it was for the towel, but it was really for letting me know my best friend was still alive. It was the first real piece of good news I’d gotten in what felt like far too long. I opened my mouth to say more, but he beat me to the punch.

  “I have some bad news for you, my friend,” he said as he sat down opposite me. His face had grown somber. A sinking feeling hit my gut as he stared me in the eye.

  Whatever small moment of good cheer I had been allowed was about to be erased.

  A Hell of a Souvenir

  “Seriously?” I cried. “You couldn’t have just sent Kelvin off on some nebulous adventure or maybe retired him to a life of luxury?”

  “What did you expect? I was a little ticked off at first and the Elemental Plane of Broken Glass just happened to be convenient. Sorry about the rape-trolls, but they are native to that dimension.”

  Son of a bitch. There were some days when I really hated Dave and his fucking house rules. As if things weren’t shitty enough, now I’d learned that my favorite character had been imprisoned as a sex slave. “And all of his stuff?”

  “Pawned to the merchants in the City of Doors.”

  “Well, that’s just great.”

  “It’s not all bad.”

  “Oh?” I asked, pacing - my stolen sneakers squelching on his floor.

  “Gonar the Brave got engaged to Princess Sheila. They bonded while everyone was mourning your capture.”

  What? Leave it to my gaming buddies to fuck me over the second my back was turned. “Well, congratu-fucking-lations to the happy couple. You can tell Adam I am so gonna kick his ass as a wedding present.”

  “Oh relax. Now that you’re back, I’m sure we can think of something. Hell, if you help me get my experiments back on track, maybe we can arrange for a last minute stoppage to their wedding - like in The Graduate.”

  I knew it was only a matter of time before we got back to that. Dave seemingly had only three interests in life: our game, hating all of his patients, and trying to use my blood to concoct some miracle drug. “Not going well, I assume?”

  He sighed. “Not going at all.”

  “What happened?”

  He stood and stretched, walking over to the window and glancing out at the storm beyond. It finally seemed to be petering off a bit. “It’s been one disaster after another. Hell, the only thing that’s saved my ass is all the weird-ass shit that’s been going on.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yep. First my experiment with the mice went up in smoke, thanks to my asshole landlord. The fuckhead let himself in when I wasn’t here to fix some plumbing and opened up the wrong set of shades. The poor little guys never stood a chance.”

  I had a feeling that “poor little guys” wasn’t a particularly apt description for a tank full of ravenous vampire mice, but refrained from saying so. If anything, I felt a bit of relief. I had been certain that one day I’d arrive for my weekly game only to find the city of Newark besieged like in some horrific sequel to Willard.

  “That wasn’t the worst, though. The guy was understandably freaked - threatened to call the cops on me.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “Fortunately, he’s an ex-meth head - or not so ex anymore.”

  “Dave, what did you do?”

  “Needless to say, it’s amazing the silence that can be bought with enough prescription drugs.”

  “Nice to see you living up to that whole Hippocratic Oath thing.”

  He waved his hand in dismissal. “I tried to get things back on track, use what samples I still had left, but then the hospital caught me borrowing some of their lab equipment.” He sat down and laughed. “The administration wanted to put me on leave, based on what they called ‘questionable ethical choices.’”

  A chuckle threatened to escape my lips, but I once more managed to keep my mouth shut. My character was in dire straits as it was. I didn’t need Dave throwing more shit at him.

  “Thankfully, there’s all of this,” he proclaimed, gesturing toward the window where the sky was starting to lighten. “You won’t believe the strange crap that’s been going down.”

  “Oh, I might.”

  “We’re getting weird-ass cases left and right - victims with odd burns, cuts, and even bites. The hospital is short-staffed as it is, so they pretty much had no choice but to let me off with a warning.”

  Well, I guess it was nice to see some good - sorta - had come from the evils I’d inadvertently unleashed upon the world. I stopped short of telling Dave that, though. He knew more than enough as it was - even if taking credit for the horrors that had saved his job might be enough to earn my character back his gear and then some.

  I was tempted to ask if I could use the phone since my purloined cell was dead, but hesitated. I didn’t know what was waiting for me back home, but I got the feeling that it might be best to take it all in face-to-face. If there was bad news to be had, and I had little doubt there was, it was probably not a great idea to hear about it over the phone. These people were my life - as it was. At the very least, I owed them a chance to personally throw it all back in my face. I’d had three months of taking the coward’s way out. That was long enough.

  “I don’t suppose you have any cash you could lend me?”

  “Huh?” he sputtered, caught off guard by my change of topic.

  “I really need to get home, but all I have is some foreign currency. For all I know, it’s probably worth ten cents American.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “So you just stopped by to bum bus fare off me?”

  “Well...no. I really did want to know what had happened to Kelvin. Even so, it’s been a while and I...”

  Dave sighed and got up. He walked over to a nearby desk, pulled out two twenties from his wallet, and handed them over to me. “You might as well grab some lunch while you’re doing so. It’s a long trip.”

  I gratefully accepted them. “I’ve had longer.”

  “I’ll expect your help in gett
ing me started again, though,” he said. “Seriously, I was starting to make some progress with the cell regeneration.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, not much. Some of it really does...” he trailed off, mumbling the rest in a voice low enough so that even my ears couldn’t make it out.

  “What was that?”

  “I said that some of it really does seem like magic,” he snapped, earning a smug grin from me. “Now get the fuck out of here before I think twice about loaning cash to a loser like you.”

  I thanked him and went to shake his hand, but at the last second pulled him in for a hug. He was an asshole, but he was one of my assholes. I was glad to have him.

  After releasing him, I grabbed my pack and turned toward the door. I’d taken no more than a step when an inspired thought stopped me in my tracks.

  Why not kill two birds with one stone?

  “There a problem, Bill?”

  “What say I pay you back right now - in triplicate even?”

  He arched a questioning eyebrow, but the gleam in his eye told me he was open to hearing what I had to say.

  “Check it out.” I plopped the bag onto the back of his couch and unzipped it. Pushing the crusty towels aside, I revealed to him the most gruesome of souvenirs.

  Most would have questioned its authenticity, being that it now looked like a dried out Halloween prop, but Dave had a slightly better trained eye than the average person. “Why do you have a severed head with you?”

  “Long story, trust me. Needless to say, I do.”

  “Is it...”

  “A vamp? Well, it was at one point.”

  “I thought you said that dead vampires turned to dust. Hell, I can attest to that from the tank of mouse ashes I had to vacuum up.”

  “That’s mostly true,” I replied, “but I’ve been told there are ways to preserve body parts if need be. Some sort of poison that vampire enforcers use when they really want to fuck up somebody’s day. I don’t know the exact details. Bottom line, though, is that it’s the real deal.”