The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  Besides, his new ride had heated seats - nice.

  I filled him in on things as we drove. We chanced Staten Island in the hope that this was one of the few times of day that 278 wouldn’t be a goddamned parking lot.

  We were crossing the Goethals into New Jersey when he asked, “So you just gave him the fucking thing, just like that?”

  “How many CDs does this thing hold anyway?”

  “Don’t change the subject.”

  “Sorry. It seemed preferable to letting him cut anything else off me.”

  “And you really thought it would be useful for us otherwise?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied, playing with his dual climate controls. Damn, this thing was pretty sweet. I might have to let him drive me places more often. “I wasn’t really thinking too far beyond getting the fuck out of the kingdom of the undead.”

  “So the vampires own Switzerland. Really?”

  “Tell me about it. Fucking crazy.”

  “Explains a lot, though.”

  “I can’t argue with that.”

  * * *

  We arrived at Dave’s apartment complex a short while later.

  “Stay here,” I said, getting out of the car.

  “Fuck you,” Ed replied, following. I almost wished Alex were there to see it. Would his faith in his beloved prophecies be so strong if he observed that my leadership prowess didn’t even extend toward getting one of my friends to follow a simple request?

  “Dave’s gonna be mad if there’s nothing going on.”

  “So? I’m not in his game.”

  He had a point there. We walked over to the door. Light shined through the closed curtains. “I guess he’s up.”

  “Well, then let’s stop him before he makes some sort of Franken-vampire or whatever.”

  That wouldn’t be particularly great. Technically speaking, Dave wasn’t supposed to be experimenting on vampire blood at all. Hell, nobody was. It was considered off-limits - verboten. I wasn’t sure why, but probably really didn’t need to know. What I needed to care about was that the Draculas were known for coming down hard on anyone caught doing so.

  Dave was my friend and I owed him. There was also the off-chance the crazy bastard might one day come up with something useful from his experiments. Even so, I had little doubt we were living dangerously.

  I wasn’t worried about Ed spilling his guts...even if Sally promised him the mother of all blowjobs. He wasn’t that type. Tom was, but I doubted she’d make him that same offer anytime soon. What worried me was Dave getting sloppy. There’d already been an incident with his fucking vampire mice. It was only a matter of time before something happened that we wouldn’t be able to cover up so neatly.

  I resolved to talk him down from the craziness before it got away from him and ended with both of us taking a permanent dirt nap. If that didn’t work, maybe I could convince Sally to compel him to drop it. It wouldn’t be ideal for her to have anything else to hold over my head, but she was already in pretty deep. Her involvement in helping me with Sheila was more than enough to bury her. If she could keep her mouth shut about that...

  “Are you going to knock, or are you hoping that maybe he’ll hear us breathing from inside?”

  “Since when are you in such a rush?”

  “I have a meeting with some potential investors in the morning.”

  “I so do not know you.” I raised my hand and knocked softly so as to not rouse the neighbors.

  “Maybe he’s out.”

  “I don’t think so.” My ears picked up movement from inside. It wasn’t near the door, but there was definitely someone shuffling around inside. I knocked again, a little louder this time. The movement inside ceased as if someone was listening.

  “It’s too late for this shit,” Ed said. “Just open it.”

  He had a point, but all I could see was a future full of pain for my character if I broke the lock and just strolled in. I shrugged and pushed the doorbell instead.

  “You are such a pussy.”

  I opened my mouth to respond as the chime sounded inside, but the words died in my throat as the noise immediately cut off - replaced by the sound of something being smashed.

  I glanced toward Ed, and the look on his face told me all I needed to know. “You heard that?”

  He nodded. “Open it.”

  I mentally kissed Kelvin goodbye and turned the knob until the lock broke with a sharp crack. The door began to swing in, but a chain lock stopped it - fucking useless things. I reached through and gave it a quick yank, clearing our path inside.

  We stood there for a moment, waiting. Dave’s apartment was quiet again. Whatever had been moving about had stopped. His living room looked as it normally did. It all gave the impression that nothing out of the ordinary was going on. If I heard a toilet flush, followed by him stepping out to greet us, I was gonna feel mighty stupid indeed.

  “Dave?” I called out quietly.

  “Oh, this is stupid,” Ed said from behind me. “Get the fuck inside before someone calls the cops.”

  Again, he had a point. I did as told and he entered behind me, closing the door as best as he could.

  Feeling a bit foolish that my roommate was keeping his shit together better than me, I tried to muster what little pride I had left. “You check the bedroom. I’ll check his lab.”

  “What do you think I’m going to find in there?”

  “With any luck, an angry, naked Dave.”

  He gave me a withering glare in response, but he did as asked - probably realizing that the longer we bantered, the greater chance we had of this operation blowing up in our faces. It was safe to say that neither I nor my friends were cut out for a life of espionage.

  I didn’t bother to let him know that my vampire ears had picked up enough extra to let me know that whatever had made the sound had originated from the direction of the lab.

  Well, okay, “lab” was probably putting it kindly. For anyone else, it would have been an extra bedroom or perhaps used for storage. Dave lived frugally, though, minus maybe his gaming supplies, and he sure as shit didn’t have a roommate. I doubted anyone would last long without outright killing him.

  I stepped into the back room and that thought caught in my mind. My eyes opened wide at what lay before me.

  One didn’t need to be a blind seer to occasionally be right in foretelling a dark future.

  Showdown in Newark

  “Dave!”

  He lay there, eyes glazed over - looking at nothing - while what I assumed was the head I’d dropped off earlier sucked on his neck like a leech, taking great pulls as if trying to get the very last drops. I say “assumed” because he was a bit different from last I saw him. Though still desiccated, with pale cracked skin and thin white hair, he’d grown a little.

  His head now sat atop a body. It was sickly in appearance - damp and clammy like a wound that had just had a bandage peeled off. He was frail and ancient looking, kind of like that guy at the end of the video for Metallica’s Unforgiven. Regardless, no matter how pathetic he looked, I knew better - especially as the front of him was covered in blood, at least some of it Dave’s, from the look of things.

  The room itself was a mess. Tables had been overturned and shelves smashed. Dave’s mini-fridge was torn open. The IV bags once contained within littered the floor, sucked dry of all contents. It told a tale of a creature starved for blood. That point was further driven home as the ghoul paid me almost no heed, greedily trying to suck the last of the life from his victim.

  That finally snapped me out of it. No fucking way. I hadn’t let the forces of darkness take any of my friends to date. I had no intention of breaking that streak.

  “Hey, gramps, why don’t you chew on this instead?” I stepped forward and kicked his head with everything I had. If only I’d had my vampire powers back in high school, I could’ve been a star punter instead of having the entire football team give me atomic wedgies. I connected with the fucker’s chin with eno
ugh force to upend a small car.

  The creature’s head snapped back and...and that was it. It turned its black eyes toward me, seemingly noticing me in full for the first time.

  “Drop my friend, buddy,” I ordered, hoping my words carried sufficient menace.

  “Bill, what’s...”

  “Get the fuck out of here, Ed,” I said over my shoulder.

  The other vampire dropped Dave. He rolled bonelessly to the floor. I wanted to cry out, but there was no helping him so long as I was in a Chinese standoff with Gollum’s body double. I needed to get rid of that asshole and then...then, well, I had no fucking idea.

  The other vamp tilted his head in confusion, looking like the world’s oldest stupid dog, then bared his fangs and stood up. He was naked, sadly giving me full view of his shriveled junk. Why is it always the dudes? Why couldn’t someone like that Theodora chick have flashed her goods at me instead?

  That, thankfully, wasn’t all that caught my eye. Odd markings seemed to cover his body. They weren’t much, just darker patches of skin on his chest and shoulders. I could almost make out shapes within them, but that might have just been my brain trying to connect the dots.

  He hissed and a gravelly sounding voice emanated from his mouth. It might have been words, but they weren’t in any language I knew...meaning it wasn’t English.

  Fuck it. Among predators, there’s a universal language. One must be able to piss with the big dogs, after all.

  I darkened my eyes and flashed my own fangs at him, raising a hand and beckoning him on in a manner that would’ve made Bruce Lee proud.

  It was on.

  * * *

  Or not. To both my dismay and annoyance, Grandpa Munster’s face broke into a grin, his dry lips splitting. Something akin to a laugh escaped his lips. That was never a good sign.

  I felt what he was about to do a split second before it hit me. Although his words were still alien to my ears, the psychic portion was clear as day.

  “ON YOUR KNEES, WHELP!!”

  The compulsion hit me like a runaway water buffalo. I flew back through the doorway and slammed into something soft and squishy...Ed. Fuck me. Would it really kill my friends to do as I told them for once?

  “Get...the...fuck...off.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I will be once you’re not sitting on my chest.”

  “Well, then stop whining like a bitch and get the fuck out of here!”

  The vamp’s words still rang in my head. Whoever he was, he had a lot of firepower behind his compulsion. That wasn’t good. Then again, it probably wasn’t surprising either. This guy had been Alex’s prisoner. It was safe to assume he wasn’t some newb who had just forgotten to curtsey at the right moment.

  Even so, other than a splitting headache, it had no effect on me. I pulled myself back to my feet, trying not to show any wobbliness. As expected, surprise shown on the other vamp’s face. He hadn’t been expecting the Freewill.

  Just to make sure he got the point, though, I threw one of my own back at him - making sure that he understood it. “NICE TRY, COCKSUCKER!!”

  I’m not sure what I expected. Anger was a pretty safe bet, and maybe a little fear was even possible at the realization that the legendary warrior of the vampire race stood before him. I mean, shit, Super Saiyans got all sorts of fucking respect in Dragonball Z. One of these days, I was bound to meet someone with the good graces to realize that.

  It was not that day, alas.

  An even wider grin broke out on its face. More laughter poured forth. The creature clapped its hands together in apparent delight and hissed, “Frater.”

  Freighter - what the hell? Was he trying to pronounce...nah it couldn’t be. I mean sure, I’d sprung him from that head prison. Maybe this fucker had brain damage and was imprinting upon me like a baby bird. Weird. “Listen, dude, I may be a lot of things, but I sure as shit ain’t your father.” I backed up a step, risking a glance over my shoulder. Ed was, thankfully, nowhere to be seen. About time he took the fucking hint.

  Now I just had to get this delusional asshole out of the way so I could help Dave. I continued to back up and saw that he followed me - obviously unafraid. Wished I could’ve said the same thing. Being chased by a naked ghoul was a bit unnerving.

  Backing up toward the door, I scanned Dave’s apartment for something I could use. It was a complete bust. Unlike most gamers I knew, he was just into the rules. He didn’t walk the walk: collecting swords, staves, or maces. Sure, most of that shit was for display only, but I certainly wouldn’t have turned down an ornamental morning star to beat this fucker’s skull in with.

  I backed out of the apartment and stepped off the curb. It continued to follow, apparently unfazed by the cold night air against its bare skin. Maybe I’d get lucky and the cops would arrive to arrest him for indecent exposure.

  “Frater,” it called again. Gah! Why couldn’t I meet a hot chick with daddy issues instead?

  I kept backing up, leading it away from the apartment. Maybe Ed could get past us while this guy was distracted and tend to Dave.

  Speaking of which, where the fuck was Ed? When I told him to run, I hadn’t expected him to take it to heart and dash off into the night screaming like a little girl.

  A car engine revved from somewhere off to the left.

  Ask and ye shall receive.

  All right! I didn’t need for inspiration to strike. I had something better: a crazy-ass friend and a ton of Japan’s automotive finest.

  Headlights flicked on, illuminating us. The creature hissed in their direction, raising a hand to shield its eyes. I took the slightly more proactive response of getting the fuck out of the way.

  Ed’s car slammed into the other vamp at a good thirty miles an hour. A sickening crunch sounded, although whether from the car or the monster, I couldn’t tell.

  Either way, the vehicle screeched to a halt and the creature went flying, tumbling across the parking lot to come to rest in a heap.

  Had I been a complete newb, I might’ve paused to congratulate my roommate on a job well done. I’d played this game before, though, and knew that celebrating before a vamp was ash would only result in heartache...and probably a massive ass-kicking as well.

  Ed looked a bit dazed from the impact, but otherwise okay. I threw him a quick thumbs-up and then ran back inside, noting with some dismay that the lights in the neighboring apartments were starting to come on.

  Dave was still where he’d been discarded. His eyes were now closed, but that was all the change there was to him. I picked him up, noticing how cold he felt, and tossed him over my shoulder. All I could do was hope I wasn’t too late, but it wasn’t much to go on.

  I was going to need help. I’d promised myself a full coven-free day before contacting them, but fuck it. Technically, it was tomorrow anyway.

  I raced back outside with Dave. The entire round trip had taken less than thirty seconds. Sadly, the squeal of metal that reached my ears as I stepped to the curb told me that I’d taken too long.

  * * *

  The creature was back on his feet, and then some. Raw panic shown on Ed’s face as the monster tore the passenger side door clean off. Before I could make a move, it reached in and dragged my roommate out, snapping his seatbelt like tissue paper.

  No, not again!

  I laid Dave onto the ground as gently as time allowed and put all of my speed and power to bear. The vamp shoved Ed’s head to the side, exposing his neck, as I reached his car and dove over it.

  Sadly, whatever fatherly thoughts it had couldn’t have been all that deep. It backhanded me out of the air as if I were a gnat. I went tumbling and landed on the hood of Ed’s car - rolling off onto the pavement and denting the shit out of his front bumper in the process.

  I lay there dazed for a moment, realizing it was time I didn’t have. The sickening sound of flesh being torn reached my ears. For the second time this day, I’d failed one of my friends - perhaps fatally so.

  * * *<
br />
  I refused to give up. Gathering what wits I could, I pulled myself to my feet just as an ungodly scream pierced the night.

  No!

  My fangs descended in anger. It wasn’t enough to feed off my friend - he had to torture him too? But that’s when I noticed the scream hadn’t come from Ed. Don’t get me wrong, my roommate didn’t look so hot - what with an oozing bite wound on the side of his neck, but he wasn’t the source of the cry.

  The vampire shoved Ed away and doubled over, holding his stomach. I should have used the distraction to my advantage to try and end things right there, but I was at a momentary loss. What the fuck was happening?

  Almost as if in answer, the two-legged prune straightened up and threw back his head. He opened his mouth to cry out again and belched a pyre of white flame.

  Magic can come in a myriad of pyrotechnic colors. Heck, one needed only look at the sky during one of those storms to see that. As far as I was aware, though, only one thing produced flames of pure white - the power of faith.

  Holy shit indeed.

  * * *

  Of all the things I expected to happen that night, watching a near-mummified vampire puking white fire wasn’t even close to making the cut. I might have continued staring like a doofus had movement out of the corner of my eye not caught my attention. Ed dragged himself back to his feet and leaned against the battered car for support.

  That snapped me out of it and I remembered Dave lying on the sidewalk like a piece of discarded beef.

  “Are you okay?” I asked my roommate.

  “Been better,” he croaked, but he was able to stand on his own now. The bite on his neck was ugly, but apparently not too deep.

  “Can you drive?”

  “Away from that thing?” he asked, his voice stronger. “Try and stop me.” He steadied himself for a moment and then slid behind the wheel.

  I grabbed Dave and made my way over to the passenger side, dumping him into the backseat. “Let’s move.”

  It was only then that I dared look back at the other vamp. He was still clutching his midsection, obviously in agony. Sparks of white flame continued to spew forth from his mouth and nose.