The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  I allowed myself a small smile as Ed peeled out. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but if that ass-biter had gotten a stomach full of faith magic, he was thoroughly fucked. By the time the cops arrived, they’d think maybe someone had just emptied out an ashcan in the parking lot. Served the dickhead right.

  Unfortunately, that smile wasn’t destined to be long-lived. I had two wounded friends, one perhaps fatally. I hated to admit it, but I was in way over my head.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Don’t worry about me.” Ed’s voice was steady, but his hands shook a little as he gripped the wheel. “So what do we do? Take him to a hospital?”

  “Fucked if I know.” I pulled the stolen cell phone out of my jacket pocket and gave it a quick once over - still in one piece, thankfully. I powered it on and waited for it to boot up.

  “Who are you calling?”

  “Someone who might have a clue.”

  “Tell her I said hi.”

  “Polish your knob on your own time,” I muttered.

  He made a left turn, and I almost lost the phone and myself in the process, thanks to the missing door. “Whoa! You can slow down. That fucker’s dead by now.”

  “Sorry.”

  I punched in the number for my coven partner’s mobile phone, hoping she hadn’t changed it since I’d gone rogue. It rang a few times and then I heard the click as it was answered.

  “Sally? Is that you?” I couldn’t hear a reply from the other end, but that might have been due to the excess wind whipping past my face. “Jesus Christ, where the fuck are you? You have no idea the shit I’ve been through.”

  I was about to say more when the car jolted violently from behind. I dropped the handset into my lap and turned around.

  No fucking way.

  Not only was that old vamp not dead, he was actually chasing us. No, scratch that - he was right on our tail. He slashed with his claws and metal screeched as he gouged the shit out of Ed’s trunk.

  I grabbed the phone again, hoping Sally was listening and that I wasn’t currently trying to plead with a wrong number. My eyes locked with those of the creature and nothing but pure unbridled hatred stared back. “I’ve...sorta...fucked up, just a little bit. I kinda need your help...oh shit!”

  The creature swung a fist and connected solidly with the rear of the car - sending us into a dizzying spin. The phone flew out of my hands and clattered to pieces onto the asphalt.

  The vampire leaped at us, but just then, we slammed into a guard rail, stopping our sideways momentum. Old-man Logan sailed over the roof to land in a storm drain.

  I turned toward Ed, his eyes as wide as mine. “Forget what I said earlier and floor this fucking thing!”

  He didn’t bother with a witty retort. Sparks flew as we ground against the guardrail for a moment, and then we were free, accelerating as fast as the formerly mint condition car could carry us.

  Early Morning Commute

  I don’t know if it was the early hour, the cops being summoned en masse to Newark, or just a little dumb luck. Either way, through some minor miracle, we weren’t immediately pulled over. Albeit, by that point, I’d have welcomed a nice, secure jail cell. Still, that wouldn’t have solved anything in the long term.

  “The office?” Ed asked, blotting his neck with some napkins he’d had in the center console.

  “Unless you have a better idea.”

  He glared at me out of the corner of his eye.

  “Sorry. I’m a little on edge right now.”

  “I have no idea why,” he replied.

  “Are you sure you’re fine?”

  “I’m in better shape than my car.”

  “At least now it matches your old one. Feels like home again.”

  “Asshole. There’s no way my fucking insurance is gonna cover this.”

  He had a point, but it seemed like a minor worry, all things considered.

  “What happened back there?” I asked, now that I finally had a moment to take a breath.

  “We got our asses thoroughly kicked.”

  “I know that. I mean with the vamp. He took a suck on you and practically exploded. What, did you give up bathing for Lent or something?”

  “I have no fucking idea.”

  “Anything like that ever happen before?”

  He chuckled. “No offense, but I haven’t exactly been offering myself up as a vampire buffet since you left.”

  “Oh?”

  “Not for her, either. I haven’t even seen Sally in months.”

  “What came out of his mouth, that was like...” I hesitated to say her name aloud.

  “I know.”

  “But...you and I...we hugged when you got home.”

  “Thanks for the reminder.”

  “You know what I mean. There was no reaction. I didn’t get blown across the apartment.”

  “Trust me, I noticed. Oh, and can you kindly not use the word ‘blown’ to describe something we did?”

  “And your eyes,” I continued, ignoring his comment, “they’re still the same shit brown color they always were.”

  “I know what you’re getting at.” The lights of the tunnel flickered over his face as we drove past them. “Trust me. I’m not an Icon.”

  “But it could...”

  “She gave me the keys to her company, not her powers. I don’t think it works like that anyway. Besides, faith...well, it’s still not really my cup of tea.”

  “Then what the fuck was that?”

  “Let’s worry about that later.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. Oh, fuck. I’d almost forgotten about Dave. “How’s he doing?”

  I unbuckled and turned to lean into the backseat. I put a finger to Dave’s neck to feel for a pulse, but it wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to do while driving. It also didn’t exactly help that I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I’m a vampire, not a pre-med student.

  Wait. Maybe I wasn’t as helpless as I thought.

  When in doubt, use what you know. I reached out with my senses - focusing them on his still form.

  It was difficult to single out his heartbeat, what with the noise of driving. His smell, though, told me a different story. Vampires and humans have distinct scents, as apparently do all supernatural species. I was still pretty new at the whole bloodhound thing, but I’d gotten enough nose-fulls to begin to have a clue. What I was getting from Dave wasn’t encouraging. Even pushing aside the strange odor of the vamp that bit him, I was still getting enough for me to surmise that his days as a human were probably coming to an end. “I think he’s turning.”

  “You think?”

  “They don’t exactly give us a handbook for these things.”

  “Can you help him?”

  “No idea.”

  “You guys helped me.” Ed was reaching with that one and I had no doubt he knew it.

  “Different scenario entirely,” I replied softly.

  I had the sinking feeling that no battle-angel, alight with the fires of faith, would swoop in and save our asses this time.

  * * *

  “I gotta say, Bill, this is a new record for you.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  “No, seriously. You’ve been back for what, maybe twelve hours? That’s gotta be some sort of personal best.”

  I sighed and stepped in something squishy, momentarily losing traction.

  “Jeez, watch it.” Ed’s hand momentarily tightened on my shoulder. In the pitch black of the tunnel, if I went down, he was sure to follow.

  My roommate wasn’t a happy camper, not that I could really blame him. After exiting the Holland Tunnel, I told him we needed to ditch the car. He really didn’t need much convincing, considering we were driving around in a vehicle that would only be considered street legal in the most liberal of definitions. We’d gotten lucky in Jersey, but I had a feeling that luck would run out quickly in the city.

  There was also the fact that the sun would be rising soon. The storm from the previous day
had passed and left a clear sky above us. I doubted it would last long, but all I needed was a few stray sunbeams for me to turn into a crispy critter. If Dave was indeed turning like I feared, then he, too, would probably soon become increasingly averse to daylight.

  Fortunately, New York City was host to an extensive underground, in more ways than one. Thus, we found ourselves tromping through the aromatic sewers, headed toward my coven. With Dave slung over my shoulder, the subway wasn’t really an option for me. Ed had declined splitting up and taking it himself - proving that while he might be pissed, he was still a true friend.

  We continued onward, slipping and sliding - all while trying not to dump Dave into any random piles of shit.

  I didn’t exactly know the deepest, darkest recesses of the NYC sewer system like the back of my hand, but I’d been down there enough times to know how to get to the important spots. Fortunately, there wasn’t much to sightsee except for maybe the occasional rat of near mutant size - and they, thankfully, gave us a wide berth. It wouldn’t do for the legendary warrior of the vampire race to start screaming like a little girl.

  Finally, we reached the office’s subbasement. Unlike most entrances to coven territory, it was unguarded and unlocked. The office was, true to its name, an honest-to-goodness office building in the SoHo area of Manhattan. We rented a few floors, but so did several other businesses too - at least, that I remembered. Last time I was here, a vampire named Remington had been doing his damnedest to release all of the other tenants from their leases - permanently.

  Oh, crap!

  I stopped and Ed bumped into me.

  “What’s the problem?”

  “What if the coven isn’t here anymore? What if they had to pack up and...”

  “You pick really shitty times to think of these things, you know.”

  “Sorry, but this wasn’t exactly the homecoming I was envisioning.”

  “You were expecting maybe a red carpet?”

  I turned to glance at him, despite knowing he couldn’t see me in the dark. “That would’ve been nice.”

  “In your dreams, maybe.”

  “In my dreams there were free blowjobs too.”

  “Oh, I don’t know.” A grin formed on his face. “I’d say you’ve been screwed pretty well so far.”

  “Yeah, well, we’re both gonna be if the coven moved and anybody sees us carrying an unconscious body up the stairs.”

  Yep, that’s me...when the shit hits the fan, I’m all rainbows and unicorns.

  * * *

  Thankfully, the bullshit that the movies feed us about vampires needing to return to their foul coffins during the day is just that - a steaming pile of cow patties. Don’t get me wrong. Most vamps still sack out during the daylight hours. We still need to sleep, albeit not as long as most people, and our bodies are pre-conditioned to be nocturnal, but it’s more of a guideline than a rule.

  I was holding out hope that there might be at least a few vamps still around in the office. Right before I skipped town for my little vacation, Village Coven had been decimated. Aside from me and Sally, there had been only three other survivors. I knew Sally, though, and had little doubt she’d probably been itching to rebuild. With me out of the picture to guilt her into doing otherwise, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she hadn’t hesitated to start recruiting.

  At least, I hoped that was the case. As much as I had no desire to see others join our ranks, the last thing I wanted right then was an abandoned floor where our coven once stood. Things had turned to shit quickly enough without me also having to learn that a place I considered to be safe - relatively speaking - held no sanctuary for us.

  Reaching our floor via the back stairs, I silently prayed to whatever gods compelled Sally to often do the opposite of what I wanted. I could only cross my fingers that she hadn’t decided to have a change of heart as of late.

  With Dave still over my shoulder, I led the way to the office’s entrance. From the outside, it appeared the same. Well, okay, the door was new, but that wasn’t anything special. In the time I’d been a part of Village Coven, the damn thing had been destroyed and replaced at least three times. The lives of those in a coven, especially during the middle of an apocalypse, were apparently nothing close to resembling dull.

  I didn’t give it any further consideration as I turned the knob and opened it.

  The problem with being away, though, is if you’re gone from someplace long enough, they change the locks.

  And even when they don’t, sometimes there’s a new security system in place.

  Back in the Saddle Again

  I had no more than stepped through the doorway when hands grabbed hold of my jacket and flung me inside. Losing my grip on Dave, I went tumbling across the floor and landed on my back. The entire scene took no more than a few seconds to play out, but by the time I looked up, several angry vampires had surrounded me. Worse, they were all pointing guns at my face.

  “Who sent you?” one snarled, a middle management type wearing a cheap tie. “Was it the Howard Beach Coven?”

  “Do I look like a gangbanger, asshole?”

  “Freewill?” a heavily accented voice asked. The crowd parted and I found myself staring up at my first familiar undead face, albeit one I wasn’t particularly pleased to see.

  “Monkhbat?” Oh shit, what the fuck was he doing here?

  “This piece of garbage is the Freewill?” the first vamp asked incredulously.

  To my surprise, Monkhbat immediately backhanded him, sending Tie Guy flying. The others all backed up a step, uncertain. A few of them, though, were brave enough to point their weapons at Gan’s former lackey. This wasn’t going to end well.

  “That’s enough!” a familiar voice said from behind them all. “Monkhbat, how many times have I told you not to...” She paused as she came into view and saw me lying there. “Bill?”

  It was Starlight, one of the few survivors of the coven massacre from months back. She was a sight for sore eyes, in more ways than one. A fashion model in life, she had curves that would stop a runaway truck. Sally had been using - or abusing, depending on your point of view - her as her personal secretary, forcing her to dress the part.

  This was a new look, though. Starlight was still dressed professionally, but her dark hair was down, cascading over her shoulders. She also had on more jewelry than I had seen her wear during her time as Sally’s assistant. The effect was subtle, but powerful. She looked more the boss than the employee and her tone reflected that - a dramatic change in attitude from the vampire I’d known.

  What the fuck had happened while I was gone?

  “Hey, Star,” I said uncertainly.

  “Oh my god, Bill!” she screeched, losing all semblance of the authority she seemed to wield just moments earlier. She reached down a hand, which I took. Upon dragging me back to my feet, she threw her arms around me in an embrace. Can’t say I minded it much. I loved my roommates like brothers, but I sure as shit would take Starlight pressing up against me over them any day of the week.

  She pulled back with a squeal of delight. “Oh my god. Where have you been? When did you get back? Are you okay? Is...” She was starting to babble, reverting back to the Starlight I remembered.

  “Uh, can I come in now?”

  I turned to find Ed still standing at the doorway.

  “Thanks for backing me up, ass...”

  “I claim this human as mine if it so pleases you, coven master Alice.” The vamp who’d mouthed off to me reappeared, apparently no worse for the wear from Monkhbat’s bitch-slap. His eyes blackened and he took a step toward the entranceway.

  “Coven master Alice?” I asked.

  “That’s enough, John,” Starlight said.

  “But...”

  “Now now, John. You heard our master,” a voice purred from behind Ed, causing him to jump.

  Even had he not been surprised by Firebird’s sudden appearance, he would have certainly been knocked off-kilter by it, judging from the look
on his face. Couldn’t really blame him either. Whereas Starlight was dressed for a day at the office, Firebird was ready for a night out on the town...probably followed by a roll in the hay. Her clothes appeared to be spray painted on, and her shoes gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “fuck-me pumps.” Whoa.

  She stepped past my roommate without a second glance and strolled in. Walking up to the dick I presumed was John, she ran a finger across his chest - oozing sex in a way that made my pants feel uncomfortably tight. Goddamn, I had forgotten how awesome my coven could be. It was almost enough to make me forget...

  Oh, fuck.

  “Dave!”

  That caused everyone in the room to stop and do a double take. I shoved aside a few vamps I didn’t recognize and found him lying where I’d dropped him after being so warmly greeted.

  “I need help.” I shoved all of the items off the nearest desk so as to lay Dave on top of it - cringing as I sent a laptop clattering to the floor.

  Starlight stepped to my side. “What’s wrong?”

  “He was bitten.” Even as I said it, I realized how stupid it must sound. It was like screaming that someone had just swallowed a carrot in the middle of a vegan convention. Oh well. Some vamps were smart enough to rue becoming what they were. The rest, well, they could go fuck themselves sideways with a rusty engine block.

  I glanced around and a bunch of blank stares met mine. It reminded me that most of the vamps present were probably newbs, most likely less than three months turned. They knew even less about their powers than I did. Sadly, the person probably most qualified to make a diagnosis was the one lying on the desk. It was...

  “Monkhbat,” Starlight said, “please see what you can do.”

  To my surprise, he gave her a quick bow and walked over to Dave’s side. Had I somehow found my way to Bizarro universe? Since when did Starlight command one of Gan’s former minions?

  That and a million other questions could wait, though. Monkhbat felt Dave’s neck, then grabbed his chin and turned his head. He put a hand on my friend’s chest, then bent over and began to sniff him. Yeah, vampire examinations were a little weird. Thank goodness they didn’t require us to have yearly physicals or anything like that.