Marty Pants #1

by Mark Parisi

  These are the words a dangerous alien would use! Just look how they flow together.

  “We will annihilate Earth, and any protagonist who senses the imminent danger will instead decide the idea is absurd and that feeble assumption will allow us to deprive humans of their world as we terminate the planet and no one will exasperate us, not even an industrious student with wisdom.”

  Coincidence? I think not. That’s probably the alien motto.

  The alien manifesto.

  It may even be the lullaby they sing to their alien babies.

  I try something else. I take the first letter of each vocabulary word: A, P, I, A, F, A, D, T, E, I, W, and this happens.

  Wow. And when I read it out loud, it reminds me of the way Yoda speaks. And what is Yoda? Exactly.

  An alien, Yoda is.

  CHAPTER 16

  eyes wide open

  I have trouble sleeping.

  It’s not because Jerome is on my head. He always does that.

  It’s not because of the rainstorm outside.

  It’s not because of the cracker crumbs in my bed, although that doesn’t help.

  It’s because my teacher is an alien who wants to annihilate Earth! And I happen to like Earth! I’m using it at the moment!

  How am I supposed to sleep at a time like this?

  I call my dad into the room. I need to talk to him. Or more precisely, I need to have him talk to me.

  That’s better. Nothing can put me to sleep quicker than my dad’s talk of old music. I’d make a fortune if I could bottle it.

  CHAPTER 17

  words is the word

  It wasn’t easy studying for that vocab test knowing my teacher wants to destroy the planet, but after poring over those words for hours, a miracle happened.

  I got an A.

  It’s the second time I’ve gotten an A in McPhee’s class. The first time was when he let us grade our own assignments.

  He hasn’t tried that again.

  “Nice job on the vocabulary test!” my mom says as she drives Roongrat and me to soccer practice.

  I just I hope she doesn’t think her lecture worked.

  “Skunks have a bigger vocabulary than people do,” Roongrat says. “They communicate with millions of different stinks. It’s a fact.”

  “See what happens when you do your work properly, Marty?” my mom continues. “Maybe Mr. McPhee isn’t so bad after all.”

  No, he’s not so bad unless you happen to think wanting to annihilate Earth is bad. Call me crazy, but I happen to think it is.

  I look out the window. Why would anybody want to destroy all this?

  CHAPTER 18

  get your kicks

  I like soccer except for one thing. Simon Cardigan’s on my team.

  To make matters worse, Simon’s dad is the coach. Since the coach is in charge of supplying the jerseys, Simon got to do the drawing for the front. Guess what he drew?

  That’s right, the only thing he ever draws. AnemoneBob TrapezoidShorts.*

  “Hey, PANTS!” Coach Cardigan yells. “You forgot your practice jersey again!”

  “Where is my mind?” I say.

  Roongrat knows I forget the shirt on purpose.

  “Marty, stop being jealous because Simon is a better artist than you. It’s a fact. You should be a supportive friend.”

  Must be nice to have a supportive friend. Roongrat, unlike me, will wear his AnemoneBob shirt anywhere.

  “Pants! Focus! You’ve got to have the eye of the leopard! Isn’t that right, Simon? Eye of the leopard!”

  “Yes, Dad!”

  “Simon, when we’re on the field you call me ‘Coach’!”

  “Yes, Dad! I mean, Coach!”

  “Simon! Marty! You two Forgetful Freddies do a lap around the field! EYE OF THE LEOPARD!”

  Simon shows off by running hard. He’s got the eye of the leopard. I jog slowly. I’ll save my energy, thank you.

  When we get back, Simon acts like he won an actual race and does a little victory dance.

  “I’m better than you, Marty,” he says as he struts by.

  “Go wash a monkey!” I say, regretting it instantly. I need to work on my comebacks.

  Coach Cardigan lines us up and says, “We’re going to scrimmage today, white shirts against blue shirts.”

  Blue shirts? He reaches into his duffel bag and hands out new, powder-blue shirts with this on the front.

  It’s the exact same drawing, only on a blue shirt. Real creative. I put it on over my signature black shirt.

  I’m officially in a bad mood because:

  1.Simon’s drawing is on my chest.

  2.I don’t know what to do about my alien teacher.

  3.My mom’s making fish casserole for dinner.

  Other than my mom, there’s only one resident of the house looking forward to fish casserole.

  This bad mood might be working for me, though, because I’m playing awesome. Coach even moves me to forward. He never does that.

  I’m fast when I want to be. I kick the ball over Simon’s head, turn on the jets, and beat Simon to it. Ha! He should have saved his energy. Now there’s no one between me and the goalkeeper, Roongrat. Here’s my chance to show everybody I’m better than Simon!

  I’m all ready to score a glorious goal when I see my sister across the common. And she’s with someone.

  Someone I know!

  My sister and Peach Fuzz holding hands?! I can’t believe my eyes! This can’t be! This just can’t—

  Simon kicks the ball away.

  “PAY ATTENTION, PANTS!” yells Coach.

  “Yeah, pay attention, Pants!” laughs Simon.

  “I would have saved it anyway,” Roongrat chimes in. “The trajectory of the wind in relation to your ankle angle . . .”

  “PANTS! BACK ON DEFENSE!” Coach barks. I lie there, humiliated, and watch Errriccaa and Peach Fuzz disappear around the corner. At least they didn’t see my spectacular fall.

  Suddenly, I hear Coach yelling!

  The aliens are attacking! Already?! I thought there was more time!

  I run as fast as I can to escape. I cut across the field, speed though the playground, jump over the sandbox, and run between the swings.

  But I get tripped up.

  The chain from a swing twists around my ankle, and I’m a sitting duck!

  That’s when I feel the photon torpedoes hitting me. My skin is melting! Oh, the calamity!

  I look up but don’t see spaceships. Instead, I see a huge flock of seagulls, and they’re dropping bombs the way birds do. In turd form. The rest of the team is safe under a tree, laughing and pointing. Even Coach Cardigan is laughing, but Simon laughs the loudest. It’s like he’s showing off how loud he can laugh for a loud-laughing contest.

  The birds eventually go on their way and I manage to untangle my ankle. I stand up, covered in icky bird mess. Luckily, my AnemoneBob shirt got the brunt of it.

  I decide the best course of action is to avoid eye contact with anyone, so I look away from my team.

  I end up making eye contact with someone anyway. I’ll give you three guesses who it is.

  ____A) Analie

  ____B) Analie

  ____C) Analie*

  CHAPTER 19

  dreamweaver

  My mom gives Roongrat a ride home, but makes me walk. It’s hard to blame her, but I do anyway.

  On the way, I toss my disgusting AnemoneBob shirt in someone’s trash can, and a lady yells at me through the window. Good for her. She doesn’t like Simon’s drawing either.

  I take another long shower. It was only birds today, but tomorrow aliens could attack me the exact same way! Well, hopefully not exactly the same way.

  I don’t eat much dinner, but the fish casserole doesn’t go to waste.

  My mom gets on my case about cleaning my room. I promise I’ll do it but I don’t say when I’ll do it.

  Besides, I’m too exhausted, and fall asleep right away.

  I wake up in a c
old sweat. My teacher is a crazed space creature out to destroy the world and I have to do something! Sure, I agree with the part about chunky spaghetti sauce, but the rest is crazy!

  Parker said something to me when this whole alien thing started. She asked me if I had just watched any alien movies. I didn’t understand what she was trying to tell me at the time, but now I get it.

  Movies are the answer!

  CHAPTER 20

  testing 1, 2, 3

  If movies teach us anything, it’s that every alien has a weakness. You just have to find it.

  I spent the weekend watching my share of alien movies, and now it’s time for me to apply what I’ve learned. I’ll rid the world of this disgusting monster once and for all.

  Operation Alien Elimination begins today.

  Attempt #1: Lasers

  Results: alien displays minor confusion.

  Attempt #2: Germs

  Results: alien displays minor agitation.

  Attempt #3: Water

  Results: alien displays annoyance and wants me to stay after school for some undisclosed reason.

  CHAPTER 21

  de tension of detention

  This is what I expected to happen.

  But as I sit in detention and watch McPhee closely, it’s clear he survived with no damage whatsoever. There’s only one explanation. I completely misjudged him.

  He’s some kind of super alien!

  How do I defeat a super alien? I need to watch more movies or, better yet, read that DO NOT OPEN! file on his computer. That has to be packed with secrets, things like how to dissolve stubborn super aliens and stop the invasion!

  I quickly come up with a plan to convince McPhee to leave me alone with his computer.

  “Want to stay after school tomorrow, too?” McPhee says without even looking up.

  Drat. He must have already eaten. Who was absent today?

  I need a new plan to get him out of the room.

  I rip off a piece of paper and scribble on it.

  I fold it up neatly, then hold it in the air.

  “Mr. McPhee. Can you take this note to Ms. Ortiz?”

  I like Ms. Ortiz. She’s the office lady and is always nice to me. And she’s not a rube.

  Ms. Ortiz was on my side when Principal Cricklewood wanted to suspend me because of a comic strip I submitted to the school newspaper. It was called Dave ’n’ Venus. It was about two famous art sculptures that could talk to each other. Cricklewood flipped out!

  The problem is those famous works of art don’t exactly wear clothes. I learned it’s okay to show those sculptures in museums and books and stores and on posters and postcards and calendars and refrigerator magnets and pot holders and puzzles, but if I try to draw them, suddenly I’m a troublemaker. I would have been suspended, but Ms. Ortiz stood up for me.

  Anyway, if I can trick McPhee into bringing this scribble to Ms. Ortiz, I’ll be alone with his computer!

  “You can give her the note yourself,” McPhee answers. “I’ll walk you down.”

  This alien is cleverer than I thought. We walk to the office and there’s Ms. Ortiz getting ready to leave.

  She smiles and says, “Hi, Marty! To what do I owe this visit?” All I can do is hand her the piece of paper.

  “For you, Ms. Ortiz.”

  McPhee walks me to the front door. It’s almost as if he doesn’t trust me to roam the school unaccompanied.

  “I got another call from Mr. McPhee,” my mom says at dinner. “What on earth is going on with you at school?”

  She doesn’t understand the responsibility of battling an alien.

  “Why are you acting up? There are going to be consequences, young man. From now on . . .”

  I have no choice but to launch my secret weapon.

  “Mom,” I interrupt. “I saw Errikka holding hands with Salvador Ack, a high school delinquent with a mustache.”

  Works like a charm. The attention is off me, and I’m free to focus on my strategies for saving the planet. And attacking these pork chops.

  CHAPTER 22

  electric sis

  Erikahh is not speaking to me. She’s forbidden to see Salvador Ack, or, as I call him, Peach Fuzz. Or as my parents call him,

  Ericcccca was always the perfect one: perfect grades, perfect at sports, perfect hair, perfect manners.

  No one could be that perfect, so I put two and two together and figured out she was a robot.

  Then one day I was at one of her soccer games with my dad, and Erikcka was being a perfect player and had already scored two perfect goals. She was ready to score again when someone on the other team “accidentally” tripped her, and she broke her arm.

  It was quite the scene. I saw bone. It was then that I realized my sister was no longer a robot. She had somehow evolved into a real human being. I didn’t know that was even possible.

  I had to give credit where credit was due.

  These days it’s pretty clear she’s not perfect. Sure, she gets an A+ on almost everything, but sometimes she messes up.

  She also slurps when she eats soup.

  And now she fraternizes with hoodlums!

  Thankfully, I no longer have to waste my time worrying about my sister being a robot. That’s all in the past.

  Now I need to deal with my teacher being an alien!

  CHAPTER 23

  questionable

  McPhee sure assigns a lot of homework. Why? Because he’s trying to keep everyone busy so they don’t notice his evilness!

  The latest assignment is to interview someone from the community who has a career that interests us. I think about interviewing the creator of AnemoneBob TrapezoidShorts so I can tell him Simon keeps stealing his character. Unfortunately, he’s not from our community, and asking him to move here is apparently not feasible.

  I suppose I could interview the chief of police to find out if they’re prepared for an alien invasion.

  Or better yet, I could interview McPhee and trick him into confessing his evil plan!

  I know the secret to making questionnaires. Start out by asking easy questions, then gradually slip in the important personal questions.

  When the bell rings, I go to McPhee’s desk and explain I want to interview him for the assignment. I place this questionnaire on his desk.

  Without even looking at it, McPhee says, “I’m flattered, but you should interview someone else.”

  What a disaster! The last thing I wanted to do was flatter him!

  “Well,” I say, “I’ll just leave this questionnaire here in case you change your mind.”

  “And Marty,” he says, pointing his pen at me, “don’t turn this into an art project. Get your head out of the clouds.”

  He doesn’t want my head in the clouds. Is that where his spaceship is hiding?

  McPhee drops his pen and it bounces off the questionnaire.

  He picks up his pen and I grab the evidence!

  CHAPTER 24

  clothes minded

  “You tricked McPhee into confessing?”

  “Look at it,” I say. “That’s his check mark in the box.”

  I’m at Parker’s house lying on the couch and she’s in the chair examining the evidence. Her dad will be home any minute so I’m risking my life. I could be transformed into a human ottoman at any moment. Or a tasteful end table.

  “I see,” Parker says. “So, our teacher . . .”

  “. . . is going to summon a fleet of spaceships to annihilate Earth.” I finish her sentence.

  “Is this anything like the time you told me your sister was a robot?”

  “This is much bigger.”

  “Of course.”

  “McPhee is a danger. It’s time for me to say something, right?”

  “I’ve advised you against that,” Parker says. “Any idea why?”

  “I’m confused.”

  “Exactly!”

  “But I’ll figure it out.”

  “I’m sure you will. That’ll be one thousand dollars,”
Parker says with a wink. “My rates went up.”

  As I’m about to write out an IOU, I hear the doorknob turning. It’s Parker’s dad! Really this time! And there’s no time to escape!

  Parker thinks fast.

  “Hi, Dad!” I hear a muffled voice say. “Just folding some laundry.”

  “Since when do you fold laundry?”

  “Since right now!”

  “It’s thoughtful of you, Parker, but that’s my dirty laundry.”

  I hear more muffled words but can’t understand what’s being said. It sounds like Parker’s dad is going to turn me into a laundry hamper!

  It gets quiet. I feel a tug on my arm, and I’m yanked out of the pile.

  Parker whispers, “Go!” as she flings me forward, and I find myself outside.

  Once my surge of adrenaline wears off, I get my bearings and notice a familiar face across the street.

  I smile and wave. Things are going smoothly until I catch my reflection in a car window.

  CHAPTER 25

  drawing conclusions

  I take the boxers off my head and head home.

  Parker doesn’t want me to say anything about McPhee being an alien. She doesn’t want me to say anything about the planet being in peril.