Marty Pants #1

by Mark Parisi

  I don’t get it! Why not? What’s she trying to tell me?

  Then it hits me. Jerome knocked a marker off the bureau, and it bounced off my forehead.

  That’s the answer! Parker doesn’t want me to say anything about my teacher being an alien. She doesn’t want me to say the planet is in danger . . . she wants me to show people instead!

  I’m an artist, after all, and artists are supposed to communicate through art. That’s genius!

  Now that I finally understand, I pick up the marker and grab my list of goals. There’s no room on the front, so I turn the paper over and write on the back.

  CHAPTER 26

  rude badge of courage

  Art is a powerful way to communicate. An artist named Andy Warhol painted this.

  He was communicating how much he likes soup. I’m an artist, too, and now it’s my turn to communicate something. Something even more important than soup!

  “Marty, people have been smiling at me all day. Do you know why?”

  “No, Mr. McPhee. I can’t think of a single reason to smile at you.”

  McPhee points to his ID badge. “Did you do this?”

  I squirm in my chair. “I don’t recall. You can’t prove anything. I plead the fifth.”

  The alien takes a long look at me. I hope I come across as sincere. He goes back to his desk and tries to clean off the permanent ink. I can tell it’s not working.

  “Did you do that?” Roongrat leans in to ask me.

  “I’m not at liberty to say,” I respond.

  The day progresses, and more and more people see my message on McPhee’s ID badge. Somehow, word spreads among the kids that I’m the artist responsible.

  The alien is finally being exposed! And I’ll get the credit. All I have to do is sit back and wait for a mob of concerned citizens to overpower McPhee and hand him to the authorities.

  But at the end of the day, no one accuses McPhee of being an alien. No angry militia drags him off kicking and screaming.

  My art doesn’t motivate anyone to take action.

  In fact, it only seems to empower the alien, and he says something truly horrifying.

  Gurk! He turned the class against me!

  CHAPTER 27

  use your noodle

  I get my American chop suey and scan the cafeteria for Roongrat and Parker. They must be hiding because they don’t want to be seen with me after the extra-homework debacle.

  Simon is sitting with a bunch of girls, drawing AnemoneBob on their notebooks. They give me dirty looks.

  I see Analie sitting alone in the corner. There’s an empty chair across from her. I’m going to do it. I’m going to sit with her. I take a deep breath.

  “Marty! We’re over here!” Parker waves to me while Roongrat stuffs his face. I stop short and spill my lunch all over myself.

  Analie continues to stare at me, and I hear Simon laugh.

  I go sit next to Parker.

  I pick the food off of my shirt and arrange the noodles to look like a deranged octopus on my plate.

  Parker hands me a napkin and says it’s a good thing my shirt has a layer of cat fur to protect it from stains.

  “Shanks for the eshtra homework!” Roongrat says with his mouth full. “Everyonesh angry at choo.”

  “I thought the whole thing was a riot!” says Parker.

  No one seems to realize I’m trying to save them.

  Parker asks if I’m entering the mural contest.

  “What mural contest?”

  “It was on the announcements this morning,” Parker explains.

  “An dere are flyersh all over ga shkool,” Roongrat says through his food. “There’sh even one hangin up in fwont uv your fashe.”

  So there is. I’m a noticer. How did I not notice? I bet McPhee brainwashed me not to notice.

  I rip it off the wall.

  The mural will be the first thing everyone sees when they enter the school.

  That’s the perfect place to expose McPhee! This is my chance!

  “You should enter!” Parker says.

  “Shimon will win,” Roongrat says.

  Not if he’s eaten by a deranged octopus, I think to myself.

  Suddenly, my octopus explodes, and something hits my glasses. Before I can size up the situation, a full-fledged food fight breaks out!

  This is the scene when it’s over.

  Either everyone blames me for the extra homework or they think I should be eating more.

  And get this, I’m sent home for causing trouble! My dad picks me up.

  “What’s all this about defacing McPhee’s badge and causing a disturbance in the cafeteria?”

  “It’s complicated,” I explain. “I’m the victim here.”

  I spend the rest of the day confined to my room, but I’m fine with that. I’ll use the time to work on my mural.

  Jerome helps.

  Once I determine the paper is warm enough, I grab some Paper Warmer Remover.

  Now it’s time to get down to business.

  An hour later, I have my mural design.

  It’s the perfect message.

  The problem is McPhee will never allow this to be painted on the school wall. I have to be clever. I have to be smarter than my enemy.

  And considering who my enemy is, that should be easy.

  CHAPTER 28

  alien infiltration

  “Who are you going to interview for the assignment?” Roongrat asks me as he drops a pile of video games on my living room floor.

  “I don’t know yet.”

  The truth is, I haven’t given it much thought. I’ve been preoccupied with a little thing called:

  “I’m going to interview a banker,” continues Roongrat. “Bankers get to keep fifty percent of everyone’s money. It’s a fact.”

  Parker announces she’s going to interview a psychologist. No surprise there.

  Simon is here, too. Roongrat invited him over to my house. Probably just to annoy me. Simon says he’s going to interview his uncle, the cartoonist. I’m envious, but refuse to show it.

  “That’s pedantic!” says Roongrat, who has no idea what that even means. Neither do I, but that’s not the point.

  It soon becomes clear why Roongrat invited Simon.

  “Marty! You and Simon should play Art Heist! Let’s see who the awesomer artist is!”

  “I should play a low level since I’ve never played before,” Simon says. “You’re probably an expert, Marty.”

  “As a matter of fact, I am an expert,” I admit. “Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. You play level one, I’ll play level five.”

  Maybe I was too confident because Simon turns out to be okay at this game. Probably because he’s good at copying. In fact, he’s winning. I can’t let him beat me! I can’t! I need a way to break his concentration.

  “My sister’s home,” I say.

  “Erica?”

  “Yup, she’s right upstairs.”

  Simon smiles his stupid smile. He has a crush on Errrikaa. She’s probably the only reason he’s here.

  Simon has absolutely no shot with her because she doesn’t go for younger guys, plus she’s not a fan of AnemoneBob.

  But I can use this against him.

  “She has a boyfriend,” I say. “He’s older and has a mustache.”

  Simon pouts and starts making mistakes.

  “She’s deeply in love, and I think they’re engaged to be married,” I add, twisting the knife.

  It’s working! Simon is obviously upset, and he’s playing poorly. I’m winning!

  My nosy sister suddenly yells down the stairs, “Stop talking about me! I don’t have a boyfriend . . . thanks to YOU!”

  Simon straightens up and starts doing better. And better. My plan backfired! Simon’s catching up, and I’m having trouble because I’ve never played level five before. Roongrat is cheering Simon on, and Parker is cheering me on.

  Roongrat high-fives Simon. Simon leans over to me and says, “I’m better than
you, Marty. That’s not even my highest score.”

  Arrgh! He tricked me! This isn’t the first time he’s played! How could I let that rube beat me? Why did I pick level five?!

  “Don’t be mad because Simon is better than you,” Roongrat says. “It’s just a fact.”

  Meanwhile, Simon does his lame victory dance.

  “Let’s play a different game!” Parker says. I think she’s trying to move things along because she can tell how upset I am.

  “I brought the new Alien Infiltration!” says Roongrat.

  I usually don’t like playing Alien Infiltration, but this time it sounds like a good idea. I’ll consider it research and test my skills against the impending alien attack.

  All four of us play, and it doesn’t start well. Everyone is doing better than I am because I’m just not focused. I’m still annoyed. But there’s no way I can let Simon beat me again!

  I come in dead last.

  “Good thing it’s not your job to protect the planet!” Simon says.

  Roongrat laughs, “Yeah, because we’d all DIE!” Parker doesn’t gloat even though I’m sure she’s quite pleased she came in first. As for me, I’ve made a decision.

  I tell everyone it’s time to leave.

  I’m calling the police.

  CHAPTER 29

  question authority

  “Petey’s Pizza.”

  I’ve never called the police before, but I don’t think that’s how they’re supposed to answer the phone. I order six pepperoni pizzas, hang up, and try again.

  “Hello, this is Officer Pickels speaking.”

  That’s more like it.

  “Hello, this is Marty Pants speaking. I’d like to report an emergency.”

  “What’s your emergency?”

  “I need to interview you for a school project.”

  Officer Pickels says I can come in right away, so I ride my bike to the police station.

  I don’t have anything prepared, so I begin by asking the questions everyone wants to know.

  His answers alternate between “No” and “You sure you want to be a police officer?”

  When I tell him I actually want to be an artist, he tells me they use sketch artists to catch criminals. He asks me if I want to give it a shot.

  “I’ll describe someone and you try to draw that person based on my description.”

  “Let’s do it,” I say. I pull out my pencil, and he hands me a sketch pad.

  Officer Pickels describes his wife, and I do my best to capture her likeness.

  Officer Pickels doesn’t look too happy with my sketch. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t look too happy either if my wife looked like a female Snoopy.

  He says, “Want to see the inside of a jail cell?”

  Nice. The VIP treatment.

  He brings me over to a cell and motions me to go inside. When I do, I hear the door clang shut behind me.

  Am I under arrest for annoying him? “Give me another chance!” I say. “I’ll draw your wife less Snoopyish!”

  It’s no use. He’s gone.

  Is he off to find more criminals to lock in here? I need to act intimidating, just in case! I take out my pencil and write on the wall.

  Good. That’s intimidating. Now I need to practice my tough-guy voice.

  I hear Officer Pickels unlock the door.

  “Scary, isn’t it?” he says. “You don’t want to end up in there, do you?”

  “I’m never going back to prison,” I say in my tough-guy voice.

  He walks me outside.

  Finally, I ask THE question. The only question that matters. The real reason I am here.

  “Officer Pickels,” I say. “Are you prepared for an alien invasion?”

  Before answering, he briefly looks up into the sky. I’m sure he was scanning for spaceships, but it almost looked like he was rolling his eyes at me.

  “We are totally unprepared for an alien invasion,” he admits.

  I was afraid of that. I can tell Officer Pickels is afraid, too, because he shakes his head and lets out a nervous laugh.

  Now I’m in a pickle. I have to write my report, but I can’t let McPhee know the police are unprepared for an alien invasion.

  But I can’t lie about what a police officer told me, either. That would mean prison time for sure. And I’m never going back to prison.

  I review my notes.

  There’s only one way to handle this.

  That’s called editing, and I’m pretty sure it’s legal. Once McPhee reads that, he’ll think twice before attacking.

  I thank Officer Pickels and turn to get my bike, but it’s not there! Did the aliens take it?

  Officer Pickels asks me if I locked it.

  I didn’t. I thought it would be safe in front of the police station.

  “Describe it to me,” he says.

  “It’s blue and, I don’t know. It looks like a bike.”

  “How about you draw it for me?”

  “Can I get a ride home in a police cruiser?” I ask.

  “Maybe another time, Marty. Want me to call your parents?”

  I can just imagine my parents answering that phone call.

  “I’ll walk,” I say.

  It’s a long way, but I learned how to walk when I was just one year old, and I’m pretty good at it now.

  The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced the aliens stole my bike to get spare parts for their spaceship. The attack must be getting closer.

  I’m about halfway home when something unexpected happens.

  That was definitely on purpose! I’m just grateful Peach Fuzz kept going and didn’t come back to pummel me. Maybe he considers us even now, but I doubt it.

  Weird coincidence that he rides a bike that looks exactly like mine, though.

  When I finally get home, I’m tired, muddy, and hungry.

  Good thing there are six delicious Petey’s pepperoni pizzas waiting.

  CHAPTER 30

  on the edge

  Today we hand in our reports.

  Both Parker and Roongrat seem shocked that I interviewed a cop.

  Before the bell rings, I peek at Simon’s paper. He interviewed his uncle, the cartoonist. I do a good job of hiding my interest.

  I manage to read this little bit: “If you want to say something controversial in your cartoon, have an adorable animal say it. People find it hard to get mad at an adorable animal.”

  That’s what I call useful advice! I decide to add one finishing touch to my report.

  CHAPTER 31

  mural dilemma

  Can you believe I have detention again? You’d think an alien would have better things to do.

  I use my time in captivity to develop my mural idea. I need to win this contest. I’ll simultaneously beat Simon and save the planet. The perfect plan.

  McPhee is busy typing on his computer, so I pull out my mural drawing to figure out a way to improve it.

  Wha . . . ?

  The top of my drawing is missing! Gone! It looks like it was chewed off! Who would do such a thing?

  Possible, but not likely. Who else?

  That’s it! Jerome must have eaten it when he was all hopped up on catnip! Now I have to start over!

  Or do I? I look at the drawing again and realize this might actually work.

  I’ll submit what’s left, the bottom part of the drawing. It declares, “Save the Planet,” and everybody is in favor of saving the planet from something, right? This will get votes! Once I win the contest, I can paint the entire drawing on the wall, including the top part about McPhee being an alien! McPhee will have to confess once he’s been exposed by a mural! That’s how art works.

  I raise my hand. Without even looking up, McPhee says, “Yes, Marty?”

  “Mr. McPhee, where do I submit my drawing for the mural contest?”

  “Submit it to the front office.”

  “Can you do it for me, please?” Why did I say “please”? I never talk to him that way. I sound susp
icious.

  “Bring it here,” he says.

  I fold up my drawing and hand it to McPhee. I try to sneak a peek at his computer screen, but he turns it away from me.

  That’s fine. The second he leaves the room to deliver my mural drawing, bam! I’ll open that DO NOT OPEN! file and read all of his alien secrets!

  I retreat back to my seat and wait.

  And wait.

  “Mr. McPhee, when are you going to bring my drawing to the office?”

  “The office is closed. I’ll drop it off tomorrow.”

  Gurk! This alien keeps ruining my schemes!

  When I’m finally excused, I walk by the office to check if McPhee was fibbing about it being closed. Aliens are known to be deceitful, you know.

  I peek through the office door. It’s dark and sure looks closed. But as I lean on the door, it opens. In the darkness I notice a stack of papers on the desk.

  Theoretically, I could grab a bunch of the ballots, fill them out with ME as the winner, and stuff the ballot box. Not the most honest way to win a contest, but the world is at stake. Regular rules do not apply.

  I grab some ballots, cram them into my backpack, and take off home.

  I find my mother having another phone conversation with McPhee and get sent upstairs to clean my room.

  Instead, I begin filling out the ballots by voting for myself over and over. I alter my handwriting so as not to arouse suspicion.

  By the end of the week, I have every ballot filled out. The voting will take place on Monday and I’m going to make sure I win.