The Butterfly Box_A SASS Anthology

by Anthology

  “I’ll figure out flight details once we get back to the hotel.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I try to relieve the headache starting to build behind my eyes. “I will call you with our flight plans.” I know there is no arguing with her about not going. I’m his only child, meaning everything he leaves behind in this world is left on my shoulders.

  “Will you be coming home before you head to your father’s?”

  She says home as the house I lived in with her after we moved to North Carolina. To me, home will always and forever be in Wyoming. But for her sake and for my sanity, I agree with her.

  “Yes, we need to swich out clothes.” My mind is taken away from the thoughts of photographing newborns and focuses on what sort of things I’m going to have to deal with for Amos. I’m not doing this out of love for him, because that dried up long ago. I’m doing this for my mom and for far more selfish reasons; the possibility of seeing Derek again.

  “Thank you. This would be a great opportunity for you to have closure with your father.”

  My lips roll and I lick them trying to find a way to get out of this conversation. “I’ve got to go mom, work calls.”

  I can feel her disappoint with me not facing this. “Okay. Call me and let me know as soon as you have flight details.”

  “I will, Mom. I love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I hang up the phone and put it back in the cup holder.

  “What was that all about?” Spence has long parked the car and starts to get out.

  “Amos is dying. Mom wants me to go take care of his affairs.” I follow him out and pull my camera of choice out. I love how my camera fits into my hands perfectly and the new world I see when I lift it to my eyes.

  “So, a trip to Wyoming? I’m dying to see where you grew up.” Spence gushes. Every time we are in the states, Spence begs and pleads to go to my hometown.

  “We’ve been to Wyoming.” I defend, because we have …

  “Not Fetterman.” He shrieks. I roll my eyes at him. I know what he is thinking of. I have a colleague, Dean Dollins, a nature show host who thinks himself my boyfriend. I’ve never encouraged him, but I haven’t deterred him either.

  A couple of years ago, we did a guest spot on his show while he was filming in the Tetons and Yellowstone. Since I was from Wyoming, Dean thought it would be great to have a “native” on his show. It was a horrible three days.

  “Yellowstone doesn’t count, Anna!” Spence lightly stomps his foot, not enough to scare the animals, but enough for me to give him the really brow raise. “Yellowstone and the Tetons are so over seen. Nature boy was too lazy to even go into the back country when you suggested it. The last episode I watched of his, I could tell the lions were CGI or photoshopped in. He’s nothing like you. You know no fear when crawling on your belly to get the closet picture possible.” He glimmers with pride like a proud momma.

  “Are you done?” I put the strap of my camera around my neck. “We are going to go, so drop it. As for seeing anything besides Amos’ house and around town, we won’t be going out.” I agree with Spence about Dean and he knows that, but Darling Yellow Feather – her spirit name, raised me to be polite. “Silver backs.” I state to him as he continues to ramble about my lack of fear.

  “What?” I snort at the look on his face.

  “Silver backs scare the shit out of me. Now leave Dean alone and do what you do best … sit pretty.”

  It’s Spence’s turn to roll his eyes. “He just wanted you there so he could stare at your rack, you know that right?”

  Go figure he falls back on that.

  “Yes, I did. And it isn’t like I’m giving in to him.” I walk away from him and down to the watering hole.

  “I wish one of us would! I’d ride that pony raw.”

  “Keep wishing!” I shout over my shoulder and then switch to silent mode. I waste no time getting to work. Getting on my stomach, I sniper crawl toward the herd near the water and take various pictures of the young; playing, resting, drinking from their mothers. I manage to capture an array of shots.

  As I back up away from the dazzle of zebras, a tower of giraffes come to the watering hole. “Sweet,” I quietly cheer to myself. I start to look around. I always try to get the best angle I can when it comes to my pictures. Giraffes are tall and miraculously they are just below a small group of trees.

  Slinging my camera safely against me, I make my way over to the trees and start to climb them, thankful I wore my good climbing boots today. Once I get to a good branch, I brace my back against the trunk and start taking pictures again.

  An adult giraffe lifts its head at the sound of my shutter and moves closer to investigate. I stay still as she inspects me and starts to remove the leaves from the branches around me with her long tongue. Smiling, I start taking pictures of her eating.

  My mind drifts to Derek. I wonder how much he has changed.

  Did his muscles build up more?

  Did he get any taller?

  Is he still as sweet as he was as a kid?

  And who warms his heart and bed now?

  That one hurts. There was a deep ache in my chest after we left. It was unbearable, until one day I woke up and the pain was completely gone. I never put any thought into it until now.

  Why didn’t he fight for me?

  Why didn’t he ever come?

  I thought he would have at least tried to visit me or in the least call. But I know Thea had something to do with it. She never liked me and was always trying to cause a rift between Derek and me. He always voiced how much he disliked her, but desperate times can change anyone’s mind. It hurts even thinking about it now.

  Didn’t he know how much I loved him?

  Still love him?

  As much as I tried, I have never been able to hate him.

  Even though he had to know how to reach me or how to find me, he never did. Maybe what we had wasn’t all that special to him as it was to me. I tried to reach him once we had a phone, but it was Thea who answered when I called him. That solidified it for me. He was over me. He had lied to me about the whole mates thing. I was apparently his, maybe that was his way of just getting into my pants.

  Ten years and I’m still not over him. He’s always in the front of my mind at the most inopportune moments. His sweet smiling face, with the left dimple that popped out with every grin. His shaggy jet black hair and those piercing blue eyes.

  My Derek Sumerland.

  He had me fooled with how loveable he was.

  The giraffe moves away and soon the tower leaves. The zebras have been gone for a while, so I climb down the tree and make my way over to Spence who is cleaning the lenses of his own camera.

  “Got ‘em?”

  “Yep.” I put my camera back in my bag. “How were your shots?”

  “Fantastic!” He claps. “So … Wyoming?”

  “We are going, so stop pleading.” I jump into the driver’s seat this time. Spence does his happy dance around to the passenger seat. The engine roars to life and we lurch forward on our way back to the hotel. The sooner we get Amos’ things settled, the sooner we can leave.

  “Yes!” He fist pumps. “Let’s not forget the pills this time.”

  I glare at him. “I won’t.” I have no plans on reliving the Cambodia trip.

  SLEEPING LIKE SHIT last night did nothing to improve my mood for today. Not that it is a surprise to me; I’m rarely in a good mood. The Derek who was loving, carefree, and hopeful has been gone for a very long time.

  I’m a bartender in a small bar in Rocky. My surly mood is usually overlooked by the patrons who frequent the place. My friends Abe and Austin own the bar and somehow put up with me. They bought the bar nearly six years ago and I’ve been working since.

  Today wasn’t out of the norm with work. Kelly, my main co-worker, the only other one who tends bar as much as me, ran circles around me during our lunch rush and well into the early evening as ranchers and others started to pour in for their en
d of day beer.

  I lied and said I had some sort of shitty morning when, in fact, I woke feeling a shift in the air around me and an uneasy feeling crept over me. I know it has nothing to do with the full moon, which is tonight. I’m not completely sure what it is.

  Speaking to my wolf is useless. No matter how hard I have tried over the years to get him to talk to me, he hasn’t spoken. He’s pissed off about me letting go of our mate, for not going after her no matter what others said about her moving on.

  Too late for that now.

  I can’t change what has happened and I can’t force Anna to love me in return. I am left completely and utterly alone, far more than I was when my parents died. There is one person, aside from my friends, my sole family member not taken from me, my grandma Pearl.

  She’s the only family I have left and I’m so glad I have her. I can be myself; moody, gloomy, and angry, with her. She’s the best thing in my life since my parents passed. I don’t count the three short years I had experienced happiness with Anna, I’ve blocked those times away much like how my wolf blocked me away.

  I trudge up the front steps to my grandma’s house now. Worn out and remaining in my constant state of tiredness. I feel no shame when I state I still live at home with my aging grandma. I’m twenty-seven years old and still sleep in the same room I grew up in. This is the house my parents bought with their hard earned money when I was an infant.

  When I was left all alone, grandma moved here to help raise me. She didn’t want to uproot my life any more than it already had been. She came into my life as a fire storm and has been my rock ever since.

  Plus, she makes some of the best meals known to man and werewolf kind.

  “It’s about time you got here, what took you so long?” She slaps a spoon full of goulash onto a plate in my usual spot.

  “Sorry,” I mutter, taking my seat and placing a napkin across my lap. I have no excuse that I want her to know about. I drove into Fetterman and drove past her old house, torturing myself.

  I’m such a masochist.

  She sighs heavily, but wisely holds her tongue. I don’t feel like talking about my mood today, not that I normally do. Gram is used to it by now. I haven’t been the same since I was seventeen and it doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon.

  “Derek?”

  I look up at the only woman to love me as much as my mom did. She’s the much older, female version of the happy person I used to be. Her crystal eyes glow with concern for me.

  “Yes, ma’am?”

  “I think you should at least give dating a try.” How can she say that? She knows full and well that it doesn’t work that way for me. “Just for some companionship, not anything else,” she quickly adds before I can say a word. “You never know who you may find out there. I can’t imagine the creator giving this, the life you have been living, to any of the sons he made.”

  “Can we just not talk about it, please?” I rub a hand over my face to keep from losing my shit.

  “Okay,” she stops rearranging her utensils and stares over at me, waiting for me to drop my fork filled with food so we can say grace.

  “Sorry,” I mutter once more. I set my fork back down into my food and link my hands with hers before bowing my head.

  “Dear Lord, thank you for the many blessings you have bestowed upon us today. Thank you for this meal that the fruits of your land have provided us. Please, watch over us as we partake in this meal and over Derek as he shifts and hunts later tonight. Please, bring the happiness to him that he deserves. In God’s name we pray, amen.”

  “Amen,” I repeat, diving back into my meal with the hope that the sensation of unease will go away with a full stomach. I also don’t say a word to what she just asked for. Like my wolf, I feel abandoned by God, or whoever is up there watching over us. I just take part in prayers for Gram’s sake.

  I don’t understand how any higher being who has the power to affect others’ lives would let someone live with this much heartache. I know, I really do, there are others out there with worse problems, but it would be nice if I got a break.

  Our meal is filled mostly with silence on my part. Gram fills me in about her day and the latest gossip she has heard from church and the hens she plays cards with every afternoon. I only half listen, nodding every once and awhile to show I am “paying attention”.

  “Amos Daniels is losing his battle to cancer.” My fork clatters to my nearly empty bowl. “I feel he would have a fighting chance if he actually cared and was a better person.” She remarks. I know she is attempting to get a conversation out of me. She knows all my hot buttons and Amos Daniels is the hottest. I can’t stand the man. He is the embodiment of evil. I drift back into her words when the ringing in my ears dulls. “I imagine Anna will be here soon, seeing as she is his only child.”

  I bristle at just the mention of her name. She says it with such love, as if the girl didn’t rip out my heart and crush me.

  Fuck.

  “Watch that tone, young man.” Her eyes narrow on me and shoot to my elbows now resting on the table. I’m an adult and still get in trouble for swearing and having a lack of table manners. Gram doesn’t care if that name gets to me.

  Anna.

  Beautiful, lovely Annabelle.

  Having her back here would be bittersweet. Everything deep inside me aches to have her near again, yearns for it, but my mind can’t seem to forget about the man she choose over me. Beyond my control, my mind drifts to wondering if she is still with him, if they are happy together, possibly married?

  No.

  She hasn’t fallen in love again, that is evident with the pain in my chest. It would have gone away if she had and my fate would have fused with another.

  Absentmindedly, I rub my chest after finishing up my meal and down my glass of milk.

  “If you would have just listened to me, you little pecker head, you would be happy and have your girl right now.”

  I let Gram take her anger out of me. She loved Anna almost as much as I did, still do. Anna spent a lot of time here with me when we were together. It was better than being at home with her dad.

  What Gram doesn’t know is that I did try. I really did. I had saved up every dime I had earned from my job with the lumber yard, and was just about to go get her when Amos wandered onto the yard claiming he was looking for wood to repair his porch, but instead, he told me Anna had moved on. She didn’t want to see me again, she was better off.

  I had an axe in my hand; I had itched to impale it right into the side of his head for driving Darling and Anna away. Because of him, my love and I were separated. He was the reason for everything and I had no clue why.

  And after that, like he didn’t just wreck my world, Amos wandered back off the yard, fucking whistling and forgetting to get wood. I was so pissed; at Anna, at Amos, but most of all at myself for being stupid enough to think finding my mate at such a young age would be a good thing.

  “Gram, please … just don’t,” I beg, plead, with the old woman.

  “I’m just sayin …” She points her fork at me, something I would be chastised for if I did so to her. “You’ve become a gloomy little asshole ever since she left and you were just too chicken to go after her, to go after what you truly wanted.”

  The knife digs in a little dipper.

  “Damn, Gram.” I push back out of my chair and take my dishes to the sink to rinse them off. “I’m so glad you’re taking it easy on me.” I roll my eyes behind her back. I may be a tough werewolf, but no fucking way in hell will I piss the woman off with rolling my eyes to her face.

  “Derek …”

  “I’ve got to go, Gram.” I shrug off her hand from my shoulder and grab my hat from the counter. “The shift is coming soon and I’m getting itchy.”

  “Derek, I’m sorry.” Her eyes start to tear up. “I just want you to be happy.”

  I know she does. She wants the world for me, the world I’ve been deprived of. Not because I’ve done it to myself, b
ut because aside from her, no one else wants me to have a happy life.

  “I’ve got to go, Gram.” I peck her on the cheek and flee my home. I take off as quickly as I can on my four-wheeler to head up to my hunting grounds. In the middle of the night, when the moon as at its peak, is when I will shift.

  I take my time getting to the spot I usually hide the four-wheeler and strip. I sit back and just wait for the sun to set. Anna had made her choice and it was pretty clear it was never going to be me. I wasn’t good enough for her. Mates or not, she was mine, but I obviously wasn’t hers.

  “Quit torturing yourself, Derek.” My whisper to myself does nothing to silence the animals chatter around me or the internal wheels from turning. Every single fucking time this happens to me. It’s as if during the full moon my need for my mate grows more and more. I’m losing a bit of myself one minute piece at a time.

  I have no clue what happens when my wolf takes over once I’ve shifted. It used to be we were linked and I was well aware what was happening as we hunted together, but now I have no clue what he does. I wake up hours later in places far from where I started.

  It scares me because of the trouble I could find myself in, the fear of having someone spot me. Natural wolves have been spotted around here for the last five years, but I look nothing like them. I’m not a shifter who turns into an animal, I turn into a monster. The truest and purest form of the term. Those movies about werewolves and vampires, like the Underworld ones had it right on how we looked.

  Werewolves are frightening and if our wolf and human sides are not linked, like I am, dangerous things can happen.

  Maybe that’s why I think of Anna every time. Subconsciously, I hope just thinking of her will keep my beast in check and out of harm’s way. Up to now, it has worked. It’s just horrible to re-live the pain she caused me on a monthly basis.

  She could have called, wrote, something to let me know she still loved me. Instead, she moved on to the next guy.

  I look up to the now darkened sky and feel my skin start to burn with the need to shift. I know it is still a few hours from midnight, what would it hurt to let him out early?