The Butterfly Box_A SASS Anthology

by Anthology

  “Is that so?” Ryan’s eyes are on me and he must see how petrified I am because he swipes Jimmy’s body off me with one swift motion knocking him onto the grass behind the pillar we were standing next to.

  What happens next is a blur to me. I see Jimmy standing up and charging towards Ryan. Two bodies tangled with each other, blood splashed everywhere and name-calling is all I can see and hear. I don’t even try to break up that fight because I want Jimmy to get what I was never able to give to him. A good beating up, but I’m not sure he is the one that is underneath. There are a few more guys breaking up the fight and the next thing I know Ryan is next to me, his hand on my lower back, guiding me towards his car.

  “Are you ok?” there is so much blood on his face that I think I might faint.

  “I’m ok, let’s go.” He opens the door for me and I slide in. I watch him walk in front of the car and get behind the wheel a second later.

  “Ryan, I’m so sorry…I …he...“

  “Let me calm down Pay, then we talk.”

  Then we talk. That means I will have to spill out the truth, the truth I was trying to escape. Can I do it?

  We drive for more than thirty minutes and stop in front of a small lake. Ryan gets out of the car and comes around to open my door for me. I get out and gasp at the beautiful sky where the sun is just setting. Pinks, oranges and reds just above the water, looking like someone painted this especially for us.

  We walk to the water and sit on the wooden deck without saying a word.

  “So what’s the story?” He asks looking at the sky. And the moment is ruined, but I knew it would come sooner or later.

  “We dated some time ago.”

  “He’s new here.”

  “So am I.”

  I see him nod his head and his cheek dips in his mouth.

  “You want me to keep asking questions or will you just tell me the whole story?”

  And just like that, I go back to that night and tell him everything that happened. I don’t watch him while the words escape my mouth but I feel him tensing next to me and his hands clench into fists at my waist. Yes, I spilled my soul to him, and I told him more than I ever told myself but he deserves to know.

  When I’m done he brings me closer to him, places a kiss on my head and says nothing. And we sit like that for God knows how long, looking at the sunset.

  When I finally turn my head to him I see a big cut under his right eye and a swollen lip. I bring my hand to his face and trace the bruises. “I’m sorry.” I come to my knees and kiss his eyes and then his lip gently.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, it was my pleasure, I’m sure he is bruised more than I am.” He grabs my waist and brings me over his lap. We kiss for the longest time. Our hands exploring the places on our bodies that were forbidden before. Our breaths hot, our hearts racing, pounding in our chests.

  Maybe Laura was right, maybe you have to take out a new canvas once in awhile and paint a new story instead of putting paint over the old picture, trying to hide the bad memories.

  I FEEL LIKE this whole new person. In fact, I think I am a whole new person, because for the past two days I wore my hair up in a ponytail and I totally ignored weird looks that were thrown my way. That doesn’t really matter. What matters is the huge smile on Ryan’s face the second he saw me sitting in Biology with my hair up in a messy bun. His face lit up like it was Christmas and that make me even more confident. Oh, and the fact that Jimmy came up to me the next day and apologized for everything! Every single thing and looking at his mashed face made me realize that this was all I needed, an apology from him and his admitting how fucked up it was from his side to act like that six months ago.

  “I’m going back to Arizona,” he said before he took a step back.

  “Good, I don’t really want to see you ever again.” Those were my last words to him, and it made me feel so good, I decided to put my hair back right then and there. I was free.

  “Please don’t tell me you are going to wear jeans tonight.” Sam is watching me go through my clothes. She doesn’t know that I’m involved with her brother and I’m kind of scared to tell her. After all, we have this pact to screw up his next relationship, and that would be me. Hell no, I’m not telling her shit.

  “Hmm, I don’t know, you know I’m not into that club theme and I don’t like to dress up.” I stand with my back to her so she can’t see me smiling from ear to ear while I eye that white off the shoulder dress that I’m planning to wear tonight.

  “Whatever, just so you know there will be no other girls wearing jeans.” I can tell that she is not happy about the choice of clothes she thinks I would make. “You driving with us?”

  “No, I’ll take a cab. I have to take care of something.” I have no intentions telling her that that something is her brother.

  “I hope you’re not going to bail on me, Payton.”

  I turn around and look at her thru the makeup mirror she is sitting in front of. “I would never, you should know that.”

  “Good, there will be tons of cute boys over there.” She winks before she puts the fourth coat of mascara over her fake lashes.

  I just smile what else I can do?

  There is a knock on my door at exactly ten to eight and I take a deep breath before I open the door, and what I see standing outside is sucking the air out of me.

  There is Ryan, standing in a black button up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, the same old jeans that are the sexiest piece of denim I ever saw, and a smile that has my knee wobbling. We stand there like that, looking at each other without saying anything, and I start to think that maybe this dress was too much. Maybe I overdressed and maybe my makeup and hair is too much, and he doesn’t like it, when he takes one long stride and holds me in his arms closing the door behind him with his foot and pushing me to the wall. Placing a long passionate kiss on my freshly painted lips.

  “God, you look beautiful.” He manages to say between our lips. I want to say that he looks the same, but my mouth is silenced by his next kiss. My hands are roaming over his shirt and I have no idea how they land on his naked torso, tracking his naked muscles, going down his V-line, stopping at his jeans. His hands are doing the same, and I know that this dress was a perfect choice, allowing him access to the parts of my body nobody has traced before like that, not with that much passion and tenderness.

  “We have to get to the party.” His breathes out while his hands are on my bare waist.

  “The party can wait, it will be there the whole night.” There is nothing I want more than his hands all over me right now. It’s like this man in front of me cures me of all the nightmares, he cures me of all the fears that I have and right now in this moment, I want nothing more than to be with him like I haven’t been with anyone else.

  “Are you sure Pay? Because once we cross that line I won't be able to stop.”

  “Don’t stop.” And that is the last I said before I cried out his name into his mouth. And that is the last I said before I floated up to the sky and didn’t want to fall down. For all I know, he could keep me high like that for the rest of my life.

  “And what are you two doing together exactly?” Sam’s voice is much louder than the music and the music is pretty loud.

  “We just bumped into each other outside.” I make up the lie, as Ryan’s hand is wrapping around my waist.

  “You will have to find another alliance to sabotage my relationship sister.” He kisses my cheek, the left one, and I swear I could feel his lips on my skin.

  “No way. Not you. I trusted you, you were supposed to be my partner in crime.” She tries her best to look upset but it’s obvious she is happy for us. “Just kidding. You better not screw this one up.” She shoots Ryan a warning look and gives me one of her biggest hugs.

  “You can sleep tight, little sis.” His hands tighten up over my waist and I smile. And I hum inside from the happiness that I thought would never come again.

  The End

 
PAIN.

  It sucks.

  Sometimes it comes and goes, other times, it roots itself so deep in every fiber of your being, it’s as if it’s permanently part of your body’s chemical makeup. I suppose it kind of is, isn’t it? I mean, sure, pain can be physical, which is exactly how it is described in the dictionary, but then there is that pain that purely lives in our mind. It’s the pain that accompanies our happy memories that we try every day to hold onto; the pain in our hearts, that no matter how hard we try to erase, continues to grow with each day that passes.

  “I know your heart feels like it’s breaking, Cassi, but it will get easier, I promise. With time, it’ll begin to hurt less.”

  How can someone promise that? How can they possibly offer words of support when they have no idea what it’s like to have a heart that is breaking? A heart that’s barely beating for the sake of keeping you alive—keeping you alive to breathe your next breath, that at times, you have no desire to take.

  Dropping my head back between my shoulders, I stare up at the white-speckled ceiling and drag in a deep breath, filling my lungs to capacity. I hold it for a moment, not sure when I’ll be able to capture another, and then release it through my nose. It does nothing to relieve the pressure clamping down on my chest or steady my nerves that have been out of control for the better part of the morning.

  So much for so-called breathing techniques.

  Gathering every ounce of willpower I can find—which seems to be waning more and more lately—I slip my feet into the pink flip-flops resting on the plush, cream-colored carpet and stand. My gaze rolls over the room that has become more of a small sanctuary than a simple bedroom. Perhaps it’s because it’s the only room in the house that still holds all of his belongings. It’s the one room I can’t bring myself to pack up. His shirts still hang in the closet, perfectly color-coordinated, and his watch and glasses lie on top of the dresser, exactly where he left them.

  Despite what my mother might say, I’m making progress, albeit rather slowly. Outside of this room, it’s as if he never existed… and that thought, it hurts.

  My eyes move from the dresser to the door of our en suite, and the usual burning sensation that accompanies the formation of tears pricks the corner of my eyes.

  I don’t know why I’m standing here.

  It’s not like he’s going to come walking out with that lopsided grin I love so much. He’s not going to wrap his arms around me and drag me to the bed, placing tender kisses over my eyes and down to my lips. No matter how badly I want him to trace the curve of my jaw and feel the warmth of his breath as he whispers I love you into my ear, it’s not going to happen.

  It hasn’t happened… not for sixteen months, eleven days and twenty-three minutes. But who’s counting?

  Pitiful, Cass. Real pitiful.

  Reaching up, I swipe away the tears before they have a chance to fall, and hurry into the bathroom. I don’t bother to turn on the lights as I slip back out of my flip-flops, which I’m not even quite sure why I took the time to put on, and the over-sized t-shirt that no longer smells like him. As I step into the shower and under the hot spray of water, I make a mental note to stop by the department store on my way into work and pick up another bottle of his favorite cologne.

  I know, it’s crazy… but I’m doing what I can to cope with the pieces that I have left of me. If it means holding on to the last physical reminders I have of him, so be it.

  Rinsing the shampoo suds from my hair, I close my eyes and hum softly, attempting to block out my mother’s voice that echoes loudly in my ears.

  “This isn’t healthy, Cassi. I know it’s hard. I know it hurts, but you’re only making it worse. You need to let this go. You need to let him go.”

  Her words bring me to my knees, and my hands—which lie palms down on the cool, tile floor of the shower—curl into tight fists as my tears mix with the water trickling down my face. I’ve already let him go… I let him walk right out that door and right out of my life… forever.

  Despite the hot water raining down on my skin, my entire body is numb. I don’t want to go to work today. I don’t want to walk out of this house with a fake smile on my face and pretend as if I’m not completely hollow inside.

  But I will…

  I will because no matter how much my own world has stopped, the rest of the world keeps moving. So, I move with it, on auto-pilot, searching for that one day, one hour, one second, when I don’t hurt. When I can catch my breath and feel something else… something other than this painful nothingness.

  A COUNTERFEIT SMILE in place, I shove the little black bag carrying the bottle of cologne deeper into my purse and step out of the car. Pretending to be happy, to be okay, is exhausting. I inhale a breath that doesn’t fully make it to my lungs and lift my hand in mock excitement.

  “Aunt Cassi!”

  Bounding toward me, my three-year-old niece attached to her hip—her tight, blonde ribbon curls bouncing with each one of her mother’s steps—is my sister.

  “Hey, Cass.” She smiles softly, stopping in front of me and wrapping her free arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  We stand still, just as we are, and I close my eyes and breathe in Jenny’s vanilla and lavender perfume, the scent comforting. “Me too.”

  It’s not a lie. I am glad to be here, really, I am. I’m happy to see her, and my niece, who is as cute as the odd button in the bottom of the cookie tin, but socializing... it’s difficult.

  My sister pulls back, dipping at the waist in a bid to hike little Aubrey further onto her hip. “Ryan is just finishing up dinner and the boys are going through the stack of movies, debating between aliens and zombies.”

  “Aliens and zombies, huh?” I smile half-heartedly, feeling slightly better about the impending evening ahead of me.

  She gives me an exaggerated eye roll and shakes her head. “Boys, I’ll tell you. You want some company? I’ll gladly ship them off to Aunt Cassi’s for the weekend. I’ve had about all the testosterone I can handle this week.”

  “Ha.” I laugh, the sound actually genuine. “Not unless you want them coming back reciting every line of The Notebook.”

  Little Aubrey chimes in, her adorableness almost causing me to melt into a pile of goo right here on the sidewalk. “What’s The Notebook, Mommy?”

  Jenny dips her chin, brushing her nose against her daughter’s before pecking it with a kiss. “Only the best love story ever.”

  “Hey now—” The deep voice floating out the front door grabs both of our attention. Ryan is standing there, wiping his hands clean on a white dish towel, his hip propped against the wooden doorframe. Lips pulled into a smirk and his dark brows furrowing, he stares out at his wife. “I thought we had the best love story ever.”

  My sister smiles lovingly, and a slight ache pangs in my chest as I watch them share a moment, a moment that reminds me how long it’s been since I’ve been on the receiving end of such heartfelt endearments.

  Hand tightening on the strap of my purse, I look away, searching for the strength to hold onto the smile etched across my face. Just because I’m living my life in misery doesn’t mean everybody else must. When I’m confident that my expression won’t waver, I turn back toward them and fold my arms loosely over my stomach, my eyes on the ground and my lungs now heavy in my chest.

  “Hey, Cass. It’s good to see you.”

  Ryan’s voice pulls me from that space I have fallen into, the one that I have trouble digging myself out of whenever I think about Adam. He places a hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing it, and my mind tries to catch up with the fact that he is now standing beside me and no longer in the doorway.

  “How are you? You doing okay?”

  I nod, giving him a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah. Hanging in there.”

  A look crosses his face, one that says he knows I’m lying through my teeth. Being a lawyer, Ryan knows bullshit when he sees it. Luckily for me, he foregoes the questioni
ng and simply returns my nodding gesture.

  “Mommy, I’m starving.” Aubrey pats her small belly, a frown tugging at her cute lips.

  “Okay, baby. We’re going.”

  “Is Aunt Cassi coming too?”

  I answer before my sister has a chance. “Sure am, sweet cheeks.”

  A larger-than-life grin spreads across her delicate features, and as we all turn around and head up the tiled pathway leading to the front door of their old brick colonial, I drag in a breath.

  Dinner with family…

  It shouldn’t be this hard.

  RESTING BACK IN my chair, I stare down at the silver stacked rings on my middle finger and spin them around absentmindedly, waiting for my sister to return from tucking her three mini-me’s into bed. I feel like I need to be doing something, keeping myself busy. It is, after all, what the therapist recommended. Don’t sit too long. Don’t give your mind a chance to dwell. I push out of my chair and walk over to the sink, turning the water on and rinsing off the dirty dishes before loading them into the dishwasher.

  “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

  Jenny walks up beside me, resting her back against the counter, her concerned eyes lingering on me.

  I lift a shoulder in a shrug and carry on. “It’s no big deal. Least I can do for you inviting me to dinner.”

  Her lips twist to the side, and she gives me a shake of her head. “Don’t be ridiculous: you’re family.”

  “Okay. Well… family helps clean the dishes.”

  Rolling up the sleeves on her white cardigan, she bumps her hip against mine. “Move over, would you?” She tosses a gentle smile my way as we both work on emptying the sink. “So… how are you? I mean, really, how are you, Cass?”