Memories of May

by Juliet Madison

  Chapter 27

  Olivia had been imagining her grandmother as the young, vibrant woman who fell in love with William, and then Jacques. But now, seeing her as the frail old woman lying in the bed seemed unreal, unfair, and reminded her of her own mortality.

  The IV lines ran across the bed, fluids and antibiotics helping her fight the infection, but everyone knew there was little that could be done. Olivia sat by her side and simply stroked her hand, as did Diana, while Mia held onto the side of the bed, her face red and blotchy from crying. Peter was sitting in one of the chairs by he wall, and Olivia was grateful her mum had someone standing by her. Mrs May’s death was inevitable and imminent, she knew it, but did it have to happen so soon? And she had even indulged in the hope that maybe she would still be around to see Olivia finish the book, so she could print it out and bring in all the pages, which she would read through and edit with highlighters and red pens.

  ‘I’m here, Grandma,’ Olivia whispered. ‘We all are.’

  Diana gave her one of Mrs May’s favourite books of poetry, and Olivia read it to her while they sat there, not leaving her side, until Mia had to go to the bathroom and began yawning. They had a quick break for lunch, she took Mia for a walk around the grounds for fresh air, and then returned for more reading and … waiting. Doctors and nurses checked on her, but still she kept breathing, though her breaths were shallow and strained. By the time the sky outside the window darkened and Diana closed the blinds, Olivia sighed. ‘I’d better take Mia home and get her some dinner and rest.’

  ‘Can I take the day off school tomorrow, Mum?’ she asked feebly.

  ‘I think that might be a wonderful idea,’ she replied. ‘Let me check if Marcus can come in earlier to open up the store.’

  ‘I can come to the store, I don’t mind being at your work with you. It always feels like Mrs May is in there.’

  Olivia held her daughter close to her side. ‘We’ll see what the morning brings, sweetie. We might just come straight back here. For now, let’s go have some pizza and a nice bath and a good night’s sleep.’

  ‘Okay.’ Her daughter wiped her eyes.

  ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I don’t have my car. Joel dropped me off.’

  ‘I can take you back,’ Peter said.

  Olivia eyed her mother, her body seeming frail itself as she watched her own mother decline. ‘No, it’s okay, thanks. Joel said he could come get me, since he has some things of mine to drop off anyway.’ She texted him and waited outside the nursing home until he arrived.

  * * *

  Joel was glad to hear Olivia’s grandmother was still going by the time he picked her and Mia up. He let Olivia lead the conversation and didn’t try to make light of things through small talk. Instead, he shouted them pizza on the way home and though he didn’t want to get in the way, Olivia invited him in to share dinner. Mia was quiet, and after dinner Olivia ran her a bath and while her daughter was in there, she sat with Joel on the couch in the living room with a cup of tea.

  ‘Thanks for everything,’ she said.

  He waved his hand. ‘Don’t mention it.’

  He felt like he should say things like ‘how long do they say she has?’ and ‘is there anything I can do?’ but it wouldn’t make a difference and he knew that there was nothing he could do except be there if she wanted him there.

  ‘When do you leave?’ she asked, tucking hair behind her ear and lifting the teacup to her lips.

  ‘Probably Wednesday, but that depends.’

  ‘On what?’

  ‘On if you need me around a bit longer, or … want me around a bit longer.’ He placed his hand on her thigh like he’d done in the car, not in a flirty way, but a supportive way. His hand tensed when she gently lifted it off.

  ‘Joel, I …’

  His eyes sought out hers until she looked at him.

  ‘I want to end things on a good note. Our night together was so great. It was a shame the morning was rushed with my grandma’s turn, but I’m so glad we had that night together.’

  Despite her removing his hand, he was relieved. For a moment he’d worried that maybe her experience hadn’t been as fulfilling as his. She must have had high expectations after so many years.

  ‘But you’ve got your next intake of students to teach down south, and I have my grandma and family to be with, and my book to finish, so it’s easier if we part ways now. Tonight.’

  His relief turned to regret. Regret he hadn’t pursued her properly earlier, regret he hadn’t taken a chance to try something deeper with her before it was too late. ‘I understand,’ he said. ‘But although I’ll be a few hours away for the next couple of months, I’m only teaching two nights a week. I could always drive back on weekends to see you, if you wanted me to. If you wanted to, I dunno, maybe try something, see how it feels?’ He shrugged. This was foreign to him, he’d never had to suggest anything like this before, had always been the first to leave or take an out when the opportunity arose.

  ‘Joel, don’t.’ Olivia’s gaze diverted to her hands. ‘After that you have your next adventure, next trip.’

  ‘Yes, but plans can change. I can change them.’ Was he … pleading?

  She shook her head, looked him in the eye with a resigned smile. ‘You’re a wanderer. I’m not. I’d rather leave things where they are than get deeply involved and have to deal with the fallout when it doesn’t work out.’

  He lowered his head. Damn it, despite the short time frame, she had come to know him too well. But that didn’t change the fact that something inside felt different this time, urged him to take notice and want to take a risk.

  ‘We became great friends,’ she said. ‘Why change that? I love how we can talk, be silly, and just kind of … get each other, even though we’re opposites. I don’t want to lose that.’

  ‘Me neither.’ This time he took her hand and didn’t let her remove it.

  ‘We shared a beautiful, unforgettable night together, a book-worthy moment under the stars.’ She glanced up with a smile. ‘I’ll never forget it. Or you.’

  He wanted to kiss her. Right now. Deeply. But it would be a mistake, and her daughter was in the bath and it wouldn’t be appropriate, and she would probably make him leave.

  So he stood. Before he did something stupid. ‘I better let you two get some rest.’

  Olivia stood and lightly brushed her hand with his. ‘So I guess I’ll see you. Or text you. Or …’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Text me. Or call me. Anytime. That’s what friends do.’

  ‘They do.’ She nodded.

  ‘Let me know what happens, with your grandma. I’ll be thinking of you.’

  ‘Thanks.’ She leaned forward and her arms slid stiffly around his back. He forced himself not to soften, not to tangle his hands in her hair and pull her close like he’d done last night. He put his hands on her back and gave her a few light pats.

  When they pulled away, he went to the door. ‘Say bye to Mia for me.’

  ‘I will.’ She saw him out and as he drove away, he watched her standing on the porch until he was forced to watch the road.

  It was time to move on.

  Chapter 28

  When the remains of sleep fell away and reality jerked her awake, Olivia shot upright and grabbed her phone. She didn’t want to look at the screen but had to. She’d set it to silent during the night so she could get enough sleep to be able to get through the day, but just as she thought, there was a message from her mum who had stayed at the nursing home during the night. She mentally prepared herself for the words, then read the text: Your grandma is one tough cookie. She’s actually improving, can you believe it?

  Olivia gasped. ‘What?’ She had thought she would wake to bad news.

  She sent a reply to her mum who explained the latest situation. Antibiotics seemed to be kicking in and her temperature and oxygen levels were improving.

  After a quick breakfast she took Mia and visited Mrs May, though she decided not to stay too long. Her g
randma needed rest, and the nurse said she would call if she worsened. So Olivia did what she’d always done to keep her mind off waiting, she went to work, and Mia said she would be okay to go to school, despite being late.

  The day went fast, she checked her phone every spare chance, and she even added ‘first camping trip’ to the memory jar, but decided to leave out the bit about the passionate sex.

  They went back to the nursing home that night, and the next morning Mrs May had improved even more, though was not yet speaking. Olivia resisted texting Joel to update him; she thought if she told him of her grandma’s fighting spirit it might jinx the situation and then she’d have to tell him the bad news. Which still she knew would happen, but it didn’t appear to be happening right now.

  Late afternoon a text from her mother came in: She’s asking for water, which is a good sign, and chocolate!

  ‘Ha!’ Olivia laughed out loud. She knew where she got her chocolate addiction from. She couldn’t wait to get there after work and speak to her again, since she’d thought she’d never get another chance.

  When she arrived with Mia that night, her grandmother was semi-reclined and lifting her oxygen mask off slightly to speak. Olivia caught the end of the sentence: ‘… give them a piece of my mind.’

  ‘Give who a piece of your mind?’ Olivia asked, walking towards the bed with a smile and open arms.

  ‘Long story,’ Diana said.

  ‘How are you?’ Olivia kissed her grandma’s warm forehead. She was still looking pasty but had more life in her than the last time she’d seen her.

  ‘Been better,’ she said, her voice raspy. She took a few deeper breaths through the mask.

  Mia rubbed Mrs May’s arm slightly. ‘Does it hurt?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘No dear.’ Mrs May glanced to her granddaughter. ‘They take good care of me.’

  Diana stood and stretched.

  ‘Take a break, Mum,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Might do that. Mia? Would you like to come get a drink?’

  She nodded and took Diana’s hand.

  Olivia sat in the chair her mother had been in, the vinyl still warm beneath her trousers.

  ‘Camping,’ Mrs May said, lifting the mask off slightly. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Grandma, you should keep that mask on and not talk so much, it’ll wear you out.’

  ‘Already worn out,’ she replied, continuing to alternate with deep breaths and speaking. ‘You enjoyed it?’

  A smile warmed Olivia’s face, or was it the memories? ‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘I actually had a bit of company too.’

  Mrs May’s eyes widened slightly. ‘That chap of yours?’

  ‘He’s not my chap, but yes, the writing teacher. He’s much like I imagined William would have been, it’s bizarre.’

  Her grandmother smiled. ‘I hope you two will …’ she breathed through the mask, ‘… be able to give things a good old shot.’

  Olivia tensed. ‘No, he’s on his way this week, wandering to his next adventure. He actually offered to try, to have a go at something, but I told him we are better off as friends.’

  ‘And you’re okay with that?’

  She didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Darling,’ she breathed, ‘if a man makes an attempt to win you over, then by golly, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Because so many of them give up, don’t make any effort, and leave you wondering if romance really exists.’ Her grandma leaned back and breathed deeply for a while, and Olivia hoped she wasn’t overdoing it.

  ‘But I don’t want to get hurt, it’s easier to leave things on a good note.’

  ‘Honey,’ Mrs May reached out her hand and Olivia took it. ‘We must take risks in life, don’t live in fear.’ Olivia stroked her grandma’s hand. ‘Don’t die wondering about the wanderer.’

  The words went straight to her heart, her soul, and somewhere deep inside that felt like an arrow, Joel’s arrow, had been shot right into the centre.

  If she went on with life as it was, she would always wonder. Yes, perhaps if they saw each other again in a romantic way, it may not work out, and it may hurt, and things may be forever awkward between them or they might lose contact and be gone forever from each other’s life, but what if … what if life surprised her? What if it went right? She would never know.

  ‘But what do I do?’ she asked. ‘I pretty much told him he should leave.’

  ‘Then un-tell him, dear.’

  Could I?

  Could it be as simple as a phone call, an ‘I’ve changed my mind’ plea, and he would rush over and wrap her in his arms?

  ‘Do it, now. Don’t waste time.’ Her grandma’s mask clouded with her breaths, and Olivia realised it was now or never. Life could be over in a flash. Her heart pounded in anticipation. ‘I will, thanks, Grandma. I’ll go get Mum and Mia to come back in.’

  Olivia went to find them, and told her mother she had to step outside to make a call.

  When she got outside of the entrance, lit by a pair of subdued lights either side of the automatic doors, she took a nervous breath and pressed call on Joel’s contact.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Is all okay? Is she …’ his voice trailed off.

  ‘Oh, yes, she’s fine. Well, not fine, but she’s actually improved and is responding to the medication. She’s even talking.’

  ‘Wow,’ he let out a relieved-sounding sigh. ‘Really? That’s great news. When I saw your caller ID, I …’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘And it’ll happen at some point, but …’

  ‘Not today.’

  ‘Exactly.’ She almost forgot why she was calling. ‘So, ah, you plan to leave tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And I’ve been thinking …’

  ‘You have?’

  ‘Is that such a surprise?’ He chuckled.

  She smiled. ‘Of course. I had no idea you thought about things. How strange.’ How was this becoming one of their usual silly conversations, instead of the serious one she planned to have with him?

  ‘I think you were right,’ he said. ‘We are great friends. We shouldn’t disrupt that. And you know me too well … I’ve never been able to stay still, stay put, and the idea of trying to do anything other than what I’m used to is a bit of a risk.’

  Uh-oh. No. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

  She almost said ‘hang on, but …’ but he kept talking …

  ‘I loved our night together, Olivia, it was so different to anything else I’ve experienced. And what a great memory it will be, and the fact that we can both be adult about the situation, and stay friends like this, is pretty special.’

  She nodded, as though to convince herself again, though he couldn’t see her.

  ‘Olivia?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, you’re right. We’re both right. Our friendship is pretty cool. We’re lucky to not have any … awkwardness between us, after the weekend.’

  ‘None at all. I’ve always felt comfortable with you.’

  ‘Me too. Well, maybe not at first, but pretty soon after!’

  ‘Once I got you out of your comfort zone.

  ‘Yes.’

  Damn it. She had been right to leave things where they were, hadn’t she? He was agreeing with her now, and she was probably saving herself a lot of heartache down the track by not giving in to this risk. It was better to stay friends, she would rather have that than for their relationship to go sour at some point. So why, when she ended the call, could she not stop tears from flowing out of her eyes and down her cheeks? Why did the thought of being only friends bring a different kind of heartache all of its own? She leaned against the outside wall of the nursing home and wiped at her tears. Why? Because she had already fallen for him, big time. She was glad she had experienced a night of pleasure, and she didn’t regret going into that knowing it could be a one-off, but it didn’t take away the fact that her heart ached for more. But she knew it was time to let it go, just like her grandma had tossed that letter into the ocean for William, she
too had symbolically tossed aside her chance for a new possibility with a wanderer of her own.

  And she wouldn’t have to die wondering, because she would convince herself, day in and day out, that it wouldn’t have worked. That it wouldn’t work. Because it wouldn’t.

  And that belief would get her through until the right man came along.

  Chapter 29

  The next three weeks were a flurry of writing, working, parenting, and checking on Mrs May, who was still fighting and hanging on. Olivia liked to believe it was because she was waiting to hear when Olivia had finished the book. This both spurred her on and delayed her, because it would be so rewarding to finish and share that moment with her grandmother, but it could also make her grandmother more likely to be ready to die once that moment had passed.

  But the book needed to be finished, and so Olivia had worked late into each night, sometimes at quiet times at the store, and on weekends, to do the book justice. It seemed fitting that after saying goodbye to her romantic life three weeks ago, here she was on a Saturday night at home, in her pyjamas, about to type the words she thought she’d never see: The End.

  She typed each letter consciously, thoughtfully, mindfully. And with that final letter she let out a little squeal. Then she stared at the screen.

  I’ve done it. I’ve really done it.

  She stood and without thinking, her arms shot up in the air, her fists in victorious clenches, and she squealed some more.

  ‘Are you okay, Mum?’ Mia called out from the bathroom.

  ‘I’m great!’ she said. Then she dashed into the bathroom where Mia was engulfed in bubbles. ‘I just finished writing Mrs May’s book! I wrote a book!’ She held out her hand and Mia high-fived it.

  ‘Oh wow, Mum! That is amazing. My mum is an author!’ Mia jumped from the bath, bubbles and water splashing everywhere, and flung her arms around her.

  Olivia laughed. ‘We must celebrate tomorrow, with cake and hot chocolate, how about that?’

  ‘Yesss!’ Mia jumped.

  ‘Careful, sweetie, it’s slippery.’

  Mia got out. ‘I’m finished getting clean.’ She grabbed a towel. ‘Can we have ice-cream too, like, right now?’