Not Yet

by Laura Ward

  “What?” My stomach rolled with nausea. “What happened, Mom?”

  Her voice broke as she began to sob. “There was a fire.”

  The vomit rose in my throat, and I clasped my hand to my mouth to stop it. “Is… is she okay?” I whispered, not wanting to hear anything but yes.

  “I don’t know!” Mom wailed into the phone. “She decided to cook on the stove without supervision. She’s in the hospital. I’m here and no one will talk to me!” She began to scream and I fell to my knees, reeling with the thought that my sweet, gentle sister could be hurt, or worse. I looked up and met Landon’s gaze. His eyes widened and he sprinted in my direction.

  “I’m on my way.” I hit end and Landon’s strong hands pulled me up.

  “Em. What is it? What’s wrong?”

  I stared at him for a moment, trying to speak. All I could say was, “Evie.”

  “Oh, God. Let’s go.” In one easy motion Landon lifted me—carrying me really—and ran over to a bench near our team bleachers. Grabbing his bag and mine, he spoke quietly to Dean and pointed to where Ford was standing. I was close enough to hear, but I was too distraught to care what they said. Dean nodded and Landon was back at my side. He wrapped his arm around me and guided me to the exit.

  Luckily, because this final meet was so long, Ford and I had driven separately and the team had all gotten rides with family. If we had taken the bus, we would have been stranded. I headed to my car, when Landon steered me toward his truck.

  “No way. You can’t drive.” He opened the passenger door and lifted me in, running over to his side. “Methodist Hospital?”

  I nodded, the tears streaming down my face. “Thank you, Landon.” He looked over at me, his face anguished and yet full of love.

  “I would do anything for you. Let’s get to Evie.” He gripped the steering wheel tightly as he sped out of the parking lot.

  “There was a fire in her kitchen. She’s hurt, but I don’t know how badly.” I spoke quietly to him, unable to contain my tears.

  “Okay, let’s get there and get some answers.”

  Landon was the kind of person you wanted around you in a crisis. He was quiet and strong. He didn’t ask me lots of questions or babble to fill the silence. He was just present. Strength radiated off him. I felt protected just being near him.

  The hospital was the closest one to the community college, but the ride seemed to take hours. Cars passed by us in a blur, and I was vaguely aware that Landon was pushing the speed limits to get us there as quickly as possible. All I could think about was my Evie. I imagined her face when that fire started. She must have been terrified. And we weren’t with her. She was alone. This was what I feared all along. We shouldn’t have let her go.

  Fifteen long minutes later, we quickly parked and ran through the emergency room doors. I looked around frantically for my mom, turning in circles. Landon spotted her first and guided me to the corner where she sat with her face in her hands.

  “Mom?” I whispered, fearing, again, that she would tell me something I didn’t want to hear.

  “Oh, Emma.” She jumped up and held me as we both cried.

  “What do you know?” Landon stood a few steps back, listening but giving us our space.

  “I know she wasn’t burned. The kitchen was badly damaged but not destroyed. She’s being treated for smoke inhalation and isn’t conscious…” She broke off at that point, weeping, and I turned to Landon.

  He knelt next to my mom and spoke quietly, “Do you mind if I go and ask some questions at the desk?”

  She agreed and then grabbed him and hugged him.

  “Thank you, Landon. I know you care about both of my girls. Thanks for being here.” It was strange, but none of us girls had ever had a man present in an emergency before. Today we both looked to Landon to do something… and he did.

  Landon nodded to mom. “My Dad plays golf with a lot of these doctors. I can see if any of his friends are on rotation now.”

  Landon walked to the nurse’s desk to ask questions. A few minutes later, he returned. “Dr. Berringer will be right out. He’s a family friend.”

  No more than five minutes passed before an older doctor with a full head of bright white hair walked over to us and shook Landon’s hand. “Evie Harris’s family?”

  Mom and I stood in acknowledgement. “I’m Dr. Berringer. Evie is going to be fine.” Mom sank to her chair with a cry of relief.

  “How bad is she hurt?”

  “She has just regained consciousness. Her diagnosis right now is acute respiratory distress. We’re also watching her for delayed pulmonary edema. From what we can gather, it was a grease fire that got out of control. She threw water on it, which made the smoke worse. We think she panicked and stayed at the stove, trying to stop the fire. So, her lungs were damaged. We will need to monitor her for twenty-four to forty-eight hours. She will have serial chest radiographs to make sure she is healing, but she should make a full recovery.”

  “Thank God.” Landon placed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed.

  “Thank you so much, Dr. Berringer.” Mom shook his hand. “Can we see her?”

  “Right this way.” We followed him through a doorway when he stopped. “Landon, only family is allowed back here.”

  I froze, clinging to Landon’s arm, panicked at the thought of not having him by my side.

  Mom answered first, very clearly and very sternly. “Landon is part of this family. Anyone who cares about my girls like he does is family, and he goes where we go.”

  Mom turned to follow the doctor and I observed Landon, his eyes filled with tears. I stood on tiptoes to reach my arms around his neck. “Thank you for this. We will never forget it.”

  Landon made a gruff sound as he hugged me quickly, and we ran to catch up with my Mom. Evie was in a private room, lying in her hospital bed with an oxygen mask on. She had IV’s in both hands and was wearing a heart monitor. It sounded like everything in the room made a noise and the effect from all the wires and machines caused her to look like a tiny doll in a giant bed. The expression on her face was one I had seen during many of Indiana’s spring tornado warnings, and I knew she was petrified. She had also woken up alone after her ordeal. She spotted our mom and burst into tears.

  Moving her oxygen mask aside, she begged, “Mom, take me home.”

  Both Mom and I put on our brave faces and raced to her side. We spoke to her calmly, stroking her arms and telling her she was fine. Evie listened and seemed to follow what we said. She finally settled down and noticed Landon in the room, giving him a weak grin.

  He smiled back warmly. “Evie, you gave us a scare. We’re so glad you’re okay.”

  Evie moved her oxygen mask again to speak. “Landon! You’re here! Emma smiles more with you.” She looked over to me and I kissed her cheek.

  “Quit worrying about me, big sister. I’m fine, but you’re right. He does make me smile.” Our eyes locked, and I was swept up by his expression of confusion and pleasure. He really didn’t know the effect he continued to have on me.

  After visiting for a while, I walked Landon to his truck. We were silent, but even without a word or touch, Landon’s strength and friendship enveloped me.

  We reached his truck far too quickly. Leaning against it, he asked, “You okay?”

  I was sure I looked as beat up as I felt. My worst nightmare was Evie being hurt when she moved out. And she was. I couldn’t help thinking that I could have prevented the accident. “I feel like it was my fault.”

  Landon crouched down to look at me carefully. “What do you mean?”

  “She calls me every night to talk, and she’s been having a hard time adjusting to her new place. Still, I know she wanted this so much. She wanted to be an adult, with a roommate, a job, and a home of her own. But it’s been harder than she thought. And she especially hates the food.”

  Landon smiled kindly. “After a summer of your cooking, I can understand why. I doubt anyone could compare.”

&
nbsp; I couldn’t hold back my grin. “Yeah, you and Evie have always been my biggest cooking champions. So, the other night I suggested she make a list of her favorite foods and offer to help, Doris, her house aide, cook. She must have decided to do it all on her own. I should have been clearer. I should have reminded her that she couldn’t cook without supervision.”

  Landon crossed his arms over his chest. “You can’t blame yourself for this. Didn’t Evie know that she shouldn’t use the stove alone?”

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  “Well, I know you like to take the weight of your entire family on your tiny shoulders, but you can’t with this. She moved out. She became more independent. And she made a mistake. You couldn’t have stopped her if you tried. Now you just need to talk to Doris and make sure everyone knows that Evie forgets things more these days. And that she likes to help in the kitchen, so she needs to be watched even more carefully so something like this doesn’t happen again.”

  He knew me and Evie well and he knew just what to say. I missed him, and I wished it was okay for him to be with me every day again. But it wasn’t. There was a lot more I longed to say, but I couldn’t.

  Not yet.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, holding back a sob.

  Landon offered me a tight-lipped, half smile. “I don’t need thanks for listening or caring. What I need, more than anything, is to know you accept my apology for lying to you.” I watched him, seeing how nervous he was for my answer. I knew what he needed to hear, and I knew what I wanted to say.

  “I do forgive you. I wish you hadn’t lied to me, but you made a mistake. It’s over. I really wish everything had turned out differently.” I exhaled deeply, months of emotions pouring out of my lungs.

  “Me too. But I’m not giving up. Please don’t give up on us, Em. Let this be our ‘not yet.’ Give me one more chance.” Landon reached out to cup my face, but I quickly stepped back. He looked around to see if we were being watched. The threat of public exposure was too much.

  “I…I don’t know. I just…. I don’t know.” And I really didn’t. I didn’t know what the right decision was, and I didn’t know what the future held for me. I knew I was grateful for Landon’s presence in my life today, and I knew I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him completely after this year. But other than that? I wasn’t sure.

  “Okay. That’s not a no. That’s a step in the right direction.” Landon smiled and pulled his keys from his pocket. “Can I stop by tomorrow and say hi to Evie during visiting hours?”

  I grinned again in happy astonishment. My little family had never known a kind, devoted guy like Landon before. “I’ll be here. Evie would love to see you. Seriously, I can’t thank you enough. I’m so sorry you missed your final races.”

  He rolled his eyes like I was crazy. “That’s just a bunch of people running in circles. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.”

  “I want to hug you goodbye, but I can’t.” The words escaped from me before I could stop them. Landon took a step toward me and I stepped back. “See you tomorrow.” He nodded, disappointment etched on his face, and drove away as I walked back to the hospital alone.

  I couldn’t help but think about my mom and my sister in that hospital room. We were three women who had only ever relied on ourselves and each other to get by. Each one of us had been broken when one of was hurt. I had lived my life to take care of my family, and when the shit really hit the fan, so to speak, it was Landon I leaned on. He took charge and he took care of us. Today he became bonded to our tribe.

  Visiting hours on Sunday were from 12:00-5:00. At 12:30, a loud, gravelly, unmistakable ‘hello’ filled the room and Garrett stood in the doorway. He was clutching a balloon and a box of chocolates. Evie sat up in bed quickly and squealed but was soon coughing from the sudden movement and noise.

  “Garrett! You came!”

  Garrett walked around her room twice, demonstrating his ritualistic behavior, before moving to the side of her bed and handing her his gifts. “Landon got me!”

  Landon’s large frame now filled the doorway. He winked at me and I blushed, feeling the warmth rise inside me from knowing what he had done, once again, for my sister.

  “He remembered where I lived. He told me what happened. I’m glad you’re okay. Were you scared?” Garrett held Evie’s hand and she squeezed it and smiled at him.

  “I’m ’kay, Garrett. Don’t worry. Not for a minute. How’d you know? I love choclate!”

  Garrett looked back at Landon who shrugged innocently. “Don’t look at me, my man! You picked out some great stuff. I just remembered that Evie likes her desserts.”

  Mom and I stared at one another for a minute, both understanding that someone like Landon was rare in any of our lives. I hurried over to wrap my arms around Landon’s waist.

  I was pushing my self-imposed boundaries more and more since we had arrived at the hospital yesterday. Landon had put his hands on my shoulders, hugged me, and now I hugged him as well. It wasn’t sexual in any way—it was an action friends would easily take—but the fact was we were friends who had been naked together. Any touch, any heated look, any time we were together meant something deeper for us than it would to “regular” or never-been-naked friends. And, yet, I still couldn’t stop myself.

  “You really are the best. How will I ever say thank you enough?”

  Landon gave me a look that made the blood race through my veins. “I’ll think of something… I have some ideas for May thirty first?”

  I bit my bottom lip and his eyes flared. Giving his waist a quick squeeze, I took a much needed, distance providing step back.

  “Evie is going home to her place tomorrow. They were able to salvage the kitchen until proper repairs are made.” I lowered my voice so only he could hear me. “The agency will not be allowing her to cook or even be in the kitchen unsupervised after this,” I said anxiously, and Landon nodded and went up to Evie.

  “You look so much better today, darlin.’ I gotta tell you I can’t cook at all. I mess up everything I try to make in the kitchen. How about next time you and me watch some good television and we ask Em to cook us her famous spaghetti with meat sauce?”

  Evie thought for a minute and solemnly asked, “You like Good Luck Charlie?”

  Landon didn’t miss a beat as he answered with total respect, “I love that baby, Charlie. She’s a cutie. I always wanted to have a little brother like Gabe, too. I’ll watch Good Luck Charlie with you anytime. Now, you keep getting your rest and take care of yourself. Garrett tells me there’s a dance in two weeks and I’m thinking that you two might be the cutest couple there.”

  Evie smiled shyly at Garrett and they giggled. We spent the next hour chatting and laughing and I relaxed. It felt like I was back in the summer.

  My phone chirped at a text and I gasped with delight. “Mom, Landon—Samantha and Coach Stone had their baby on Friday night. She’s home now and asked me to stop by.”

  “Sorry, I meant to say something. The whole football team is meeting there in an hour. We have gifts and stuff for them that the moms coordinated. Garrett, you okay to leave in five minutes?”

  Garrett gave him a thumbs up, and I said a quick goodbye to mom and Evie. “See you there?” Landon squeezed my hand as I hurried out the door.

  Mistakes. We all make them. I spent much of my life shutting people out and refusing to trust or love. Landon lied about his age to be able to get closer to me. Evie ignored her house rules and inadvertently started a kitchen fire. Each of us were wrong in our own ways, but we all deserved to be forgiven.

  ***

  SAMANTHA AND TOMMY lived in a charming stone bungalow that looked like it belonged in a story book, rather than Zionsville, Indiana. The whole neighborhood was filled with older, modest sized, unique homes with tree-lined sidewalks and kids playing in the front yards.

  The house was crammed with friends and family that were ogling little red-haired, blue-eyed Lily Stone. I hugged Sam and handed her flowers and a basket of
bagels I picked up on the way. Peering down at the precious bundle in her arms, I imagined what my baby would look like some day. Would I ever have a ‘happily ever after’ like Sam and Tommy?

  “I have to change Lily’s diaper. Will you come help me, Emma?” I followed Sam into a pink and creamy white nursery. It was simple, but chic—just like Sam. It was exactly what I would have expected.

  “This is so lovely, Sam. I’m so happy for you and Tommy.” Sam smiled back at me, but something seemed off.

  “Emma, I wanted you to come by today to meet Lily, of course, but I also wanted to talk to you. I won’t be back at school for months and I’m really worried.”

  My stomach dropped with apprehension. “What is it, Sam?”

  Sam laid Lily on her changing table and began to unsnap her polka-dot onsie. “The whole school is talking today. I’m getting text messages from other teachers. It’s all crazy… Did you really run out of the State Track meet with Landon Washington? In his truck?”

  I swallowed, as the pressure began to build in my head, hoping to explain this in a rational, believable manner. “Sam, it isn’t what you think. Landon drove me to the hospital. My sister, Evie, who you know has Down syndrome, was in a house fire. I got the call at the meet and I freaked out. Landon saw me go into shock, and he drove me to her.”

  “I heard there was an emergency. Dean Goldsmith passed that onto Ford, but it looked pretty bad when Landon didn’t come back. What happened? Why didn’t you drive?”

  I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach. “I know. He didn’t want me to drive my car because I was so upset. And I was terrified, so I agreed to let him drive me there. Then, he waited with me at the hospital until we knew she was okay.”

  “Why would he do that, Emma?” Sam secured the clean diaper and finished dressing Lily. “Is something going on between you two?”

  “No!” I shouted, quickly taking a breath to calm down, as my outburst startled poor Lily. “But we know each other. We met this summer, Sam. We lifeguarded together in Avon. It was before I knew I was teaching high school at Zionsville.”