Not Yet

by Laura Ward

  I left out the part about the summer fling. We hadn’t done anything wrong because it was before I knew I was going to be Landon’s teacher. I also didn’t want to tell her about him lying to me about his age. She would dislike him more, and I cared about him too much to put him in jeopardy.

  “So, you were friends this summer? Is that what you are saying?” Sam handed me Lily and I settled into the rocker and held her, hoping her purity could cleanse my troubled soul of this whole ordeal.

  “Yes, we worked together every day and became very good friends this summer. He even met my mom and my sister, Evie. That’s why he waited with me. He knew them and he knew the doctor at the hospital and he was trying to support a friend.” I looked at Lily’s innocent face and hoped she never had to be in a position to hide who she loved.

  “Okay. Well, that all makes more sense. But I have one more question. Since you started teaching at Zionsville, nothing has happened with him, right? I mean, you are just friends?”

  I looked at Sam’s worried expression and sighed. “Nothing physical. But we are friends. We have tried to maintain a distance, in order to avoid exactly this kind of suspicion, but the friendship is real. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I needed this job so badly, and I thought people might jump to wild conclusions because I’m so young… which is exactly what has happened.”

  Sam relaxed. “Friendship is okay. There’s no harm in that. Thanks for telling me. I needed to hear it from you and not the rumor mill. But be careful, Emma. Gossip like this can destroy a career. You should keep your distance. He’ll graduate and go off to college and people will forget.”

  I stood and handed Lily to her carefully. “I know. Thanks for caring, Sam.” We gently hugged around Lily and headed back to the living room. The room was filled to the brim and out the door with football players. They carried baskets of food, cards, flowers, balloons, and, of course, every sort of infant football apparel available. When the boys saw me behind Sam, the room quieted down.

  Looking around at the suspicious faces, I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. I waved goodbye quickly to Tommy and moved my way through the crowd. Snickers and whispers followed me as I headed to the front door. Right outside the door were Dean and Landon in deep conversation. Dean saw me first and elbowed Landon. He looked up with concern, noticing my bright red face. As Landon stepped forward toward me, I stumbled away, looking anywhere but at him.

  Walking quickly to my car across the street, a group of football moms huddled together pointing at me. Holy Hell! The parents were talking. Nothing could enflame a small town like a story about a young female teacher seducing her student.

  It was happening. My short career was most likely over. Blinking back tears, I quickly jumped in my car and accelerated around the row of parked cars in front of me and out of the neighborhood. Looking in my rearview mirror, I caught the look of sorrow on Landon’s face as he watched me go.

  Monday morning, feeling sick to my stomach with nerves, I skipped my workout but still arrived at school an hour early, just so I could avoid the stares from students and teachers. I was setting up my papers when Tommy Stone walked in and shut the door.

  “Emma, how’re you doing?” He sat on a desk and watched me with concern.

  I smoothed my long brown skirt and crossed my legs as I hopped onto an opposite desk. Today, I chose my outfit carefully. Knee-length brown boots covered even more of my legs. I needed to exude professionalism. The button down white blouse and brown cardigan were among the plainest in my closet. I’d never tried to look seductive or even remotely attractive in school, but now it was crucial that I didn’t take any chances.

  “How bad is it, Tommy? Don’t hold back on me. I need to know.” I was terrified to ask the question, but I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

  Tommy rubbed his face. “It’s not good. Principal Mahoney called me at home last night. He knows you are closest with Sam. Thank God Sam had talked to you. I was able to tell him how you became friends this summer and have remained nothing but friends. He believes me, but let me say this, Emma. You have to be on the highest alert. If you so much as bump elbows with Landon before he graduates, you will never teach again.”

  I nodded, exhaling deeply through my nose. “Thanks, Tommy.”

  “Don’t thank me for telling the truth, Emma. Just don’t screw up from here. If you both want something more than friendship, you can have that chance in a few months.”

  “I hear you, Tommy. I do. It’s nothing more, please believe me.” I felt terrible lying to him, but both my career and Landon’s future were now on the line. Tommy left the classroom as the bell rang for the start of the day. I took a deep breath and forced myself to focus and get back in control. I had worked too hard to get this career started. Plus, I had grown to love teaching wholeheartedly. I would be devastated if it was taken away from me, too.

  Third period was ridiculously humiliating. The entire class did nothing but stare at Landon and me, waiting for any sort of reaction. Neither of us would make any eye contact, so the whole atmosphere was filled with tension. It didn’t help that Principal Mahoney seemed to walk by my open classroom door every five minutes, obviously trying to observe the situation from a distance.

  At lunch, I was assigned cafeteria duty, so I was forced to walk the room, making sure there were no altercations or food fights. Again, every eye was on me and Landon. It was like a bad tennis match—with heads looking first at me, then Landon, then back to me. I avoided looking at any table that included football players, just to be safe, but in reality I didn’t know where it was safe to look.

  Cammie and Stephanie walked by me with empty trays. Cammie leaned in close and whispered, “Find someone your own age, Ms. Harris. Leave the high school boys to us.” They both burst into laughter as my face burned a shade of crimson that could be seen across the room—and possibly across the state.

  Landon must have been watching their confrontation with me, as he jumped from his seat and dumped his tray of uneaten food. He stormed out the opposite doors and I heard the collective silence fill the room. The urge to disappear was stronger than I’d ever known.

  The rest of the week followed in the same awkward manner. On Friday, I passed by Landon’s group of friends after classes and a cocky voice called out, “Landon, you ready to share Harris with the rest of us yet? I could work her up good. Whaddya say, Ms. Harris? You can even grade me.”

  I jerked my head up to see a stupid ass grin on Jared Watson, a junior and the star pitcher on the varsity baseball team with Landon. I opened my mouth to let him have it—who the hell did he think he was talking to a teacher like that—when I heard a growl as Jared was thrown in the air and against the lockers. I jumped back as Landon slammed into him.

  “Shut your fucking mouth, Jared. You will respect her. Hear that? Or I will fuck you up.”

  “Chill out, man!” Jared pushed Landon back as Dean and Ricky grabbed Landon’s arms.

  “Settle down, boys!” Ford came jogging up to the group. “You all need to calm down now and move on. Go jerk-off in the locker room or something to take the testosterone down a level.”

  A huge group had formed around us. Everyone was watching my horrified expression and Landon’s rage.

  “I WILL NOT SETTLE DOWN!!! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS! BACK THE FUCK OFF!” Landon stormed off down the hall as he punched a few lockers along the way. All eyes flew to me and I turned and ran to my classroom.

  Ford followed me in. “You okay?”

  I blew out a shaky breath. “Mostly embarrassed but yes. This whole thing is a bunch of shit.”

  “You should’ve hooked up with me when you had the chance. It would’ve taken the heat off you. I get it. I flirt too. You gotta make it a joke, though. You can’t let them take it seriously. You sure I can’t change your mind? A few words from me and I can make this all go away. ” Ford took a few steps toward me and I thought I might hurl on him.

  I seriously couldn’t handle this right
now. “Ford, back off.” I held up my hand and stood up straight. “I am not flirting with Landon. We lifeguarded together this summer, before I knew I was teaching here. We. Are. Friends. Nothing else.” I huffed as I finished and wanted to stomp my foot in frustration. How had things gotten so out of hand?

  “Whatever you say. I saw the way you looked at him at the track meet. All I know is, you’re playing with fire and I don’t want you to get burned. I’d like you to stick around and we can let our friendship… develop?” Ford placed his hand on my shoulder and then began to run it down my chest, dangerously close to my breast. Did he think he could get away with touching me like that because of these new rumors? I supposed I must look like a whore who would get it on with anyone around.

  Disgusted, I lifted his hand off and dropped it like it was dirty. I stood on my tiptoes and leaned into his face with a snarl. “You’re walking a fine line here, Ford. Feels really close to harassment. If you know what is good for you, you’ll keep your hands off me. Got it?”

  Ford smirked, obviously loving this angry encounter. “Or what? Will Landon come after me?” He laughed loudly and I clenched my fist to keep from smacking his smug face.

  “No, asshole—I will. I don’t need anyone to fight my battles. Now… get the hell out of my classroom before I make sure you aren’t able to use your man parts for the next five years. Hear me?” I was shaking with anger as I spoke to him. It felt like the rage must be visibly radiating off my body.

  Ford walked out backwards, laughing and making an “okay” sign with his fingers. “Careful, Emma… My word goes far around here. Haven’t you picked up on that yet?”

  “What do you mean by that?’

  “Just what I said. I merely made sure the rest of the team and the parents knew you left that meet with a student. I didn’t insinuate anything. I just planted the seed. Think of me as a gardener. I can fertilize your career here so that it grows and develops with me by your side, or I can poison it. Your choice.”

  Fuck fuck fuck. Ford spread the rumors. Just as I opened my mouth to scream at him, I heard, “Emma Harris, to the office, please. Emma Harris, to the office,” over the speakers in my classroom. I closed my eyes and took another steadying breath. What the hell? What now? I just wanted to go home. Ford walked away with a shit-eating grin on his face as I bit back tears.

  I rubbed my temples and stood up hesitantly. Standing at my door was Tommy Stone. He looked at me with such sadness I thought for a moment I would crumple to the floor. There was nothing I hated more than people looking at me with sympathy. I had seen it my whole life when I didn’t need it, and I sure didn’t want to see it now when I probably did.

  “Good luck, Emma.” He must have been close to my classroom when the announcement was made. He held the door open for me and gave me a reassuring smile, as I hurried to the main office.

  I walked through the hallway, feeling every eye in the school on me. It might have been my imagination, but it sounded deathly quiet as well. As I entered the office, Linda looked up at me with pity, and my eyes welled. Whatever happened to innocent before proven guilty? I swallowed the hard lump in my throat as Linda pointed to the principal’s office. I walked slowly—head down—just like the kids who got in trouble in school. I was never a student who was sent to the principal’s office. Now I was—as a damn teacher.

  Principal Mahoney met with me right away. “I heard what happened to you in the hallway, Emma. Are you okay?” I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat.

  “Nothing is happening, Principal Mahoney.” I could barely speak from the emotion.

  “I hear you, Emma, and you have done a great job here, but this is a very volatile situation.” I nodded, fearful of what was to come. “Landon Washington will finish economics with an independent study, supervised by Julie Baynes, immediately.”

  I nodded again, waiting for the rest.

  “What are your plans for next year?” He sat at his desk with his hands clasped in front of him.

  And here we go. I was being fired. “Honestly, sir, I don’t know. My mom convinced me to apply to graduate schools in California, since my sister is now receiving support services. I’m waiting to hear… I’m not sure…”

  “Well, I think getting your masters is a great idea. You will get a few more years on you and it won’t be as hard to teach teenagers.” He steepled his fingers and leaned forward intently. He had to understand this situation. I had to get him to hear me out.

  “Principal Mahoney, please believe me. Landon and I are friends. We worked together this summer, and I didn’t say anything before because I was afraid. I needed this job very badly.” My voice cracked and I swallowed noisily, praying that I didn’t break down in front of him.

  “I believe you, Emma. I know this job can be rough, and if you stayed here next year… I’m afraid the rumor mill just wouldn’t quit.”

  “Are you… are you letting me go?” My words barely came out. I had always succeeded in everything I had done. Now I was a total failure—in all areas of my life.

  “If nothing happens between you and any student before the end of the year, you may finish the year out, and we will give you a great recommendation. Obviously, if not, you will be fired immediately.” Mahoney looked stern and threatening as he spoke to me.

  I hung my head in shame. Not only was I not welcomed back, but they thought I was slutty enough to go after other students. It was almost as if he thought I pursued Landon. I felt like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter. Branded, this time, with a large letter ‘S’ for slut on the middle of my chest. I stood up and walked to the door.

  “Thank you, sir. The rest of the year will be finished professionally. I’m sorry for any problems I’ve caused you.” Blinking back my tears, I gave a small smile to Linda, who looked like she wanted to hug me. I could have used a hug at that moment.

  Principal Mahoney watched me leave, and I felt the eyes of the office and the school on me as I packed up for home. I was humiliated. Falling in love with Landon over the summer had cost me my job. And we hadn’t even acted on our feelings. I didn’t understand what more I was supposed to do.

  But as I drove home, I was more honest with myself. We hadn’t broken any rules, but we had bent them. The jokes at school, flirty lines that meant something personal only to us, and the hugs at the hospital… It wasn’t right, and I was guilty of that much. I knew better and I allowed my heart to get involved where it didn’t belong.

  I pulled up to my apartment and saw Landon’s truck. The anger inside me threatened to explode. I feared I might hit him if I didn’t calm down. I was furious with him—I blamed him for everything—even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Running inside, I threw open the door. Landon and my mom were sitting on the couch.

  Mom jumped up before I could speak. “Emma, I just told Landon—I got a job at a bank! It’s a big pay increase for me and it has normal hours.” She grabbed me and hugged me as I blew out an angry blast of air.

  “I’m so happy for you, mom. Congratulations.” My teeth clenched as I spoke and my voice was flat. Scary flat. “We will celebrate this weekend, for sure. Now, could I speak to Landon alone?”

  “Uh sure, honey.” Mom looked between us with concern and she left, gently shutting her bedroom door behind her.

  Landon stood and started to walk to me. He looked so concerned about me, my anger started to wane. “Emma, I’m really sorry about before…”

  I held up my hand to stop him and my whole body shook. “This is really it, Landon. It really is over.”

  He shook his head and his expression became intense. He took a step closer to me, “No, two and a half more months. That’s all, just over two months.”

  I pushed him back. “NO! No more waiting. It’s over for good. You’ve been removed from my class.” His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “And I’m not welcome back next year at Zionsville Academy.” I paused so I could take a deep breath. “They feel I may not be able to handle teenagers withou
t flirting with them and developing ‘friendships’ of any kind.”

  “Fuck.” Landon looked down at the floor.

  “Yeah, fuck is right.” I walked away from him and looked out the window into the parking lot of our complex. “So, I have no job for next year. If I don’t get into any grad schools in California, I’m totally screwed. The only chance I have of getting a decent recommendation, you know, not one where I’m called a child molester, is if we have NO more contact at all. This whole thing is ruining my life.”

  Landon face contorted in confusion. “You applied to grad school in California?”

  My fury couldn’t be contained and I shook from head to toe. “My mom convinced me to. What did you think? I would hang here in Indy while you banged your way through college?” I shouted the last part and he crossed the room to me quickly.

  “I wouldn’t be with anyone but you.” He whispered the words vehemently in my ear and I pushed him away with both hands again.

  “Back off. If you ever loved me at all, and I know you did, you won’t look at me, you won’t speak to me, and you sure as hell won’t wait for me.” I spoke to him as coldly as I could. I had to get through to him. This was truly the end for me. I loved Landon, and I thought he was an incredible person, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my whole life for a guy headed to college and just beginning his life. I couldn’t trust him enough to make that gamble. In the end, I would lose. Everything.

  “I will never get over this, and you are jeopardizing things even more by being here. Now, leave.” I stared at him, needing him to see the depths of my sorrow. Maybe if he knew how much pain I was in, that alone would force him to leave.

  Landon looked at me with tears in his eyes and yanked the door open. He turned back and I pushed the door shut in front of him. It was cruel but necessary. This was toxic. This was wrong. This was the saddest day of my life.