Ties That Bind

by Neeny Boucher

  Even the slow drizzling rain didn’t diminish her enthusiasm to take in as much of London as possible. It reminded her of one of her Dad’s weird sayings: ‘there’s plenty of time to rest when you’re dead’. She only realized now that he’d stopped saying that after her mother died. Shrugging off random tangents, they got ready to hit the sights.

  **********

  Christina, London, The Present, Friday, November 16, 2012

  Mandy: Are you alive? I’m freaking out here. I haven’t heard from you!

  Dina: Sorry x infinity. We’re in London. You were right Mandy. It was London.

  Mandy: 5 days Dina! 5 Days and you haven’t called.

  Mandy: London? I knew it!

  Bonnie: You did not.

  Mandy: Shut up BONNIE.

  Bonnie: Ooooh. Shouty caps. You’re so scary when you’re 4 hours away Mandy.

  Mandy: Are you having a good time?

  Dina: The best! We’ve been to so any places: Buckingham Palace, Kensington Gardens, Tower of London etc. We went on the London Eye yesterday. It was awesome! I saw Annie Lennox singing in a park. Amazing!

  Mandy: What’s the weather like?

  Dina: Raining, gray. I don’t care. It’s London!

  Bonnie: Sounds awesome! But the big question is did you join the Mile High Club?

  Mandy: OMG Bonnie!

  Bonnie: And have you used the vibrator? Come on. Sharing is caring.

  Riley: I’m uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation.

  Bonnie: ???

  Dina: ???

  Bonnie: Mandy did you include Riley in this chat?

  Mandy: …

  Mandy: I just wanted to contact them and see if they were ok.

  Bonnie: OMG. Seriously?

  Dina: Talk when we get back?

  Riley: I think that would be better.

  Bonnie: Riley you could pretend you weren’t here.

  Riley: I wish I’d done that.

  Dina: Talk later. Love and miss you xxxx

  Bonnie: Ditto.

  Mandy: Love you! Both of you. All of you. Love all of you xxxx

  Bonnie: FFS.

  Well that was… awkward. Christina rubbed her temples, trying to avoid eye contact with Riley. When his phone buzzed at the same time as hers, she thought it was a coincidence, but alas, no such luck.

  They were in the lounge with the skylight that both of them loved. If she ever got to design a house, she wanted to incorporate this feature into it. You felt you were part of the environment, but protected from the elements.

  The last few days had been wonderful. She loved London and its contradiction: repressed in the day and quirky-weird at night. She loved the Londoner’s wit and sense of humor: the banter and ability to find something darkly comedic, even in trying circumstances.

  She got it and not in terms of just being a tourist, but as part of her own personal history. It was familiar to her because this place had formed part of her father’s character before he’d made America his home. If circumstances were different, she could live here.

  “So,” Riley mused from behind her. “You have a vibrator and you brought it along on this trip… with me? Is there something you want to tell me?”

  Christina cringed. In the scheme of things, having a vibrator wasn’t a big deal. Lots of women had them. Bonnie had an armory of the darn things, but Riley had the ability to make her feel sexual activity without him was somehow dirty, and then he got competitive.

  “No,” she laughed nervously. “I got it for my birthday. It was an inside joke. That’s all.”

  He was staring at her with an amused glint in his eye and a smirk. “Mmhmm. I was going to say… you don’t strike me as a kinky toys type of girl.”

  Christina’s eyebrows went into her hairline and she was a little offended. Sure, the discrepancy in sexual experience between the two of them had been made abundantly clear, but she wasn’t some repressed Victorian lady. She just hadn’t ridden her way around the world like he had.

  Usually, she avoided the subject because she’d get jealous, and then he’d try to prove his love for her by sexing her into oblivion, but not this time. She decided to confront it. “What type of girl am I?” She frowned. “Are there categories for different girls? If so, in your view, where do I fit in this broad sexual world where some girls have sex toys and others don’t?”

  This was the classic Madonna/whore dichotomy: good girls versus bad and she resented it. It framed women into groups that could be censured for breaking some kind of stupid code about sexual behavior. The lines weren’t as evenly demarcated as people thought, and what gave people the right to judge?

  Riley sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, and clasping the back of his neck. “You want to do this? He asked. “Now?”

  “Yeah,” Christina nodded. “I do.” In actuality, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to do this, but she was going to anyway.

  “Okay,” Riley grinned. “You are a devastating combination of prissy and hot. I’ve told you this before, but you don’t believe me. You’re like a dormant volcano, with a snow-capped peak, and molten lava under the surface. When the fire heats up you have the type of passion that turns the world, my world, on its axis.”

  Christina’s chin trembled and her eyes watered. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said about her character, even if it did include the word ‘dormant’. “That’s so sweet,” she warbled, but Riley cut over the top of her.

  “I like the fact you’re prudey,” he waved his hand, oblivious to the danger signals. “You’re like a sexy librarian. All buttoned up and conservative on the outside, but hot underneath. You’re the classic good girl who’s bad just for me and I love it.”

  Ruined. He ruined it. “I am NOT a prude!” Christina retorted. “There are lots of things you don’t know about me. Facets. I have… mysteries and secrets. I’m open to… things.”

  Riley threw back his head and laughed a loud guffawing laugh that made her face flush and her chin stick out. “Honey,” he grinned. “You can’t even say the words.”

  Now, he was just being rude. “You’re not the only one with secrets,” Christina burbled, folding her arms. “I just allow you privacy to keep them and don’t badger you like a five year old.”

  “Uh huh,” Riley smirked. “What things are you open to, Dina? Threesomes, foursomes, anal, fisting, random sex with strangers, B.D.S. & M., Shibari?”

  Fisting? The word made Christina’s vagina clench and her blush deepened. Okay, she was a prude. She hardly watched porn and when she did she felt guilty for objectifying people.

  “I kissed a girl once,” she blurted in defense, making him laugh again. “Stop laughing,” she seethed. “It’s not funny!”

  “Did you like it?” He quipped, still laughing.

  No. She didn’t. In fact, she’d kissed two. Bonnie and Mandy, both done on dares, and none of them had liked it very much at all.

  “I don’t like being categorized as a one dimensional person,” Christina confessed. “I don’t like being put in boxes as if ‘that’s me’ and that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m not fifteen any more, Riley. I’m not innocent, nor a virgin, and I don’t like being mocked. It makes me feel inadequate, as if I’m competing with nameless, faceless people in our bedroom. Maybe I can’t give you what you want and you’re going to get bored with me because I’m, well, boring and a prude?”

  “Okay,” Riley nodded, his face serious. “I get it.” His eyes roamed her face and his smile was gentle.

  Taking her by the hand, he sat them both down on the couch. “Honey, you’re the one that brought a vibrator on this trip. You see that makes me wonder if I’m inadequate and not giving you things that you need. And you’re trying to tell me something in the way that you do, which is not telling me, hoping I’ll pick it up, and then get angry when I can’t read your mind.”

  “What?” Christina frowned. “That’s ridiculous.” Not the bit about reading her mind and getting angry, but the bit
about the ‘sex ledger’. In that equation, she always owed him two to one.

  Riley sighed. “Sexual liberation isn’t about what and who you’ve done. Not to me.”

  Fine, Christina thought spitefully. He could say that because he’d probably ‘done’ it all. He was the opposite of a prude.

  “It’s about knowing yourself,” Riley continued. “Pushing your boundaries, knowing your own limits, and also not judging other people. That’s true sexual freedom, the ability to be comfortable with yourself and your lover. Trusting each other, being honest, and not measuring yourself against other people’s standards.”

  Rubbing his face, Riley stared at her intensely. “You want to know about limits? I’m open. If you want to explore and push your boundaries, that’s cool, but it has to be with me. You think you’re jealous? You’re not the only one and I know I’ve given you cause, but I couldn’t share you, Dina. I would lose my shit. There’s no way I could be in a room with you, watching someone else touching you, making you come. Male or female, I couldn’t handle it.”

  Christina couldn’t cope with it either. The thought made her feel physically sick. She hated being in the same room with other women he’d slept with. She would turn into a raging, psycho, hose-beast if she were present for the actual act.

  She loved him so much that her heart always skipped a beat when he came into a room. The sound of his voice made butterflies take flight in her stomach and his touch on her body was like a brand. Where he was concerned, she wasn’t a sharing type of person either.

  “I wouldn’t want that either,” she confessed. “And I’m satisfied with our sex life. More than satisfied. It’s incredible. If I could choose a perfect death, it would be in your arms after we’ve made love. I just don’t want you to feel like you can’t ask me for things that you need because you think I’m a prude.”

  “Message received,” Riley deadpanned. He gave her his half-smile, shaking his head. “I love you. You are a rare and special gift to me. It’s my privilege to explore boundaries with you. I don’t want anyone else, but you. I wouldn’t care if we did missionary for the rest of our lives, so long as it was with you. I love you just the way you are and I wish you would believe that.”

  “I do believe that,” Christina smiled. One of the things she never doubted was how much he loved her. She didn’t want him to be bored, nor want to become one of ‘those’ relationships, where they settled, or became comfortable with one another like a pair of old boots; too scared to ask each other to try new things. “And I love you just the way you are,” she breathed. “I really do. It’s just… I get performance anxiety.”

  Riley groaned, pulling her into his arms and kissing her all over her face. He made them extra sloppy to gross her out. “Are we good?” He asked and when she nodded, his eyes turned calculating. “So, about those secrets-”

  “No,” she groaned. “I let you have your secrets out of respect. You have to allow me some mystery.”

  “No, I don’t,” he grinned. “If you don’t tell me, I’m going to tickle it out of you.” Christina tried to bolt, but he grabbed her. She hated being tickled. It was never pretty.

  Tickling her under the arms and on the sides, Riley was relentless. “Tell me,” he laughed, but she wouldn’t. He went for her feet and she began to panic.

  “Stop it!” She garbled, frothing at the mouth. “I’m going to wet myself,” she pleaded, but it made him laugh even more. The worst thing: she wasn’t joking.

  Christina tried to kick him, but he held her foot tickling it. “Don’t-want-to,” she protested. She was going to hold out on her principles, but her will power was rapidly dwindling in the face of his onslaught. As for her dignity, like her bladder control, it was long gone.

  **********

  Riley

  “Dancing?” Riley stared at her in disbelief, trying to keep his voice neutral. It wouldn’t be good to laugh, not after ‘that’ conversation. “You… go dancing with Andy James. That’s your big secret?”

  My god, he thought. She was a contrary and strange woman. He also reminded himself never to use Jed’s description of ‘sexy librarian’ to her ever again.

  She worried about his boredom? He worried about following the terrain of her thought patterns and the ability to keep up. Christina had a logic all of her own and putting the connections together made his brain hurt.

  They were sitting eating dinner at the table in their bathrobes. After he’d tickled Christina he was pretty sure she’d wet herself, but he didn’t want to say anything and cause further embarrassment. He let her have a head start in the shower, taking the opportunity to view the vibrator with his own eyes.

  Riley found it in her suitcase, hidden under her clothes. Dragging it out, he started at it in disbelief. The thing was huge and weighed a ton. If the Incredible Hulk had a cock, this would be it.

  He stared at it for a while with size questions running through his head. Riley wasn’t small, but next to this thing, he felt like Pee Wee Herman. It was the Hammer of Thor. He threw it back in her suitcase and joined her in the shower to regain his confidence.

  “I have gym allergies,” Christina shrugged. “But I like dancing with Andy James. It’s a secret. Well, mainly my secret. Andy isn’t ashamed.”

  “Mmmm,” Riley mumbled, but he actually wanted to laugh. This was her secret? He’d imagined everything from secret love children to other husbands.

  “Well,” he pulled a face. “That’s… pretty interesting.” It wasn’t, not really, but he’d wanted to know the details of her life and here they were.

  “There’s one more thing,” Christina started. Her eyes were dark, searching his and he felt his stomach tighten. Okay, he consoled himself. You said you loved her unconditionally. If she has love children and another husband, you will accept it without acting like a giant douche.

  “You can’t worry, okay?” She breathed. “Or freak out. No one knows, but Gabby because I don’t want anyone to worry.”

  Now, he was worried. Whenever she said ‘don’t worry’, he worried. If she hadn’t told Bonnie, or Mandy, or Johnny, or her father, what the hell was it?

  “Dina,” Riley said, impatiently. “The suspense is killing me. Telling me not to worry has the opposite effect. I’ll try, but I make no promises. Usually, when you get me to promise something – like not laughing at your crazy stories – I break them. So, I promise to try.”

  Christina took a deep breath, holding his eyes. “I have regular cancer check-ups because there’s a history in our family. My mother and my grandmother died of it, so I get checked more than the average person.”

  Fuck and broken promise. He would accept love-children and other husbands over cancer any day. He felt fear clutch his intestines and he felt physically sick.

  “I’m fine, Riley,” she hurried on, as color drained from his face. “You don’t have to worry, but the reason Gabby knows is that she has to have them, too. You cannot tell Dad or Johnny or anyone else. Okay?”

  Breathe, he told himself. Time seemed to slow and he sat as still as a statue. Time: they’d wasted so much of it apart and now when he thought they had forever, the asshole universe was putting limits on it.

  “It’s the reason I’m not on the pill,” Christina burbled. “I’m trying to reduce the risks and I’m careful about what I eat. Riley? Please. Say something.”

  What do you say to someone in these circumstances? ‘Wow. That’s interesting? Cancer, huh? Deep.’

  “I’m sorry,” Riley breathed, shaking his head to clear the fog. “I kind of lost my mind when you said cancer.” He felt helpless, uninformed, and unprepared.

  He resisted the urge of jumping up and researching. He wanted to see her medical files and send her to specialists. Most of all, he wanted an answer to the ‘how long’, ‘what are the chances’ questions that were running free flow through his mind.

  In fact, he wanted to have a giant meltdown railing against the unfairness of the world, but most of all, he wanted
to comfort Dina. Searching in his repertoire for ‘words of comfort’, he found it empty. Instead, he sat there like an idiot, opening and closing his mouth. He had nothing.

  “Riley,” Christina whispered. “I didn’t want this to be morbid and depressing. It’s the only other big secret I have and I’m fine. I don’t have cancer. This is just a precaution. You wanted to know my secrets, here they are, but I need to know if you’re okay?”

  He snorted, making her eyes widen, and stare at him like he was a lunatic. Was he okay? She was asking him? What a joke, and of course she would, because she took care of everyone else, and no one took care of her. Well, no one, except him… when she let him.

  “No, I’m not okay,” Riley admitted. “I feel like I’ve just had the life sucked out of me.” He grimaced at his choice of words and apologized profusely. Then another thought occurred to him. He stared at her for so long, his eye began to twitch. “Is this why you want a baby? Because we might not get the chance?”

  Her head rocked up and she laughed. She laughed. “No,” Christina giggled. “The thought never crossed my mind. I want a baby because I want a baby with you, not because I’m facing imminent death and bringing new life in is some kind of act of defiance. This is a heart decision. Not an ‘I might get cancer’ one.”

  Riley had no idea what she was talking about. Nothing was making sense at the moment. He wished he’d never tickled the answers out of her and he was still living in ignorant, cowardly bliss.

  “You know what would make me feel better?” Christina smiled, but it was her vixen smile and her eyes were glinting in amusement. What was funny? There was nothing slightly amusing about this situation at all.

  “Dancing,” she winked. “Let’s get dressed up. You put your suit on. I’ll get into a dress. We’ll go to the media room, put some music on and dance.”

  Dancing? Was she serious? He didn’t want to dance, but how could he turn her down?

  He’d planned on going out and painting the town before she’d dropped this bombshell on him. It was their last night in London and he’d made secret plans to surprise her, even though she hated surprises. After this one, so did he: surprises sucked ass.