Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  Dana walked back to check on the last two of her students still in the shop.

  “How’s it going you two? ’Bout ready to wrap it up for the day?” Dana took in the state of the room, impressed with the amount of cleanup that was already finished. The latest students to sign up for grooming classes had turned out to be a few of the best they’d had at the school. They were efficient in their work, and she’d gotten positive feedback from the dog owners regarding their haircuts. Dana hoped the next batch would be as good, because she relied on word of mouth for most of their business lately.

  It was close to eight o’clock when Dana trudged out the back door of the grooming school to the parking lot. She got into her car and rested her forehead on the steering wheel. As much as she loved working with the dogs, the rest of her life was starting to feel out of control. Over the past two months, her mother had shown up drunk at the grooming school several times. Dana worried about the safety of the dogs and the reputation of the business. She’d told her mother that the dogs were all in for bathing that day and she didn’t need to come in to do any grooming. Dana no longer had the energy to keep an eye on her and do her job. She was tired of covering for her mother. She was tired of being responsible and tired of keeping secrets. She started her car and headed to the one place she knew she didn’t need to take care of anyone or anything.

  Dana slid into her favorite booth at the Rainbow Lounge and signaled to the server. “A pitcher of Bud Light please,” she said to the waitress, while eyeing the generous swell of flesh above her tight, low-cut top.

  “Coming right up.”

  As disturbed as she was by her mother’s excessive drinking, Dana sipped her beer and welcomed the warmth seeping into her limbs and the flush moving up her neck. She knew it wasn’t the best place to find someone to share her life with, but she didn’t know any other way. The rural area around Port Huron, Michigan, wasn’t exactly a gay mecca. This downtown bar had only been open a few years and only catered to the gay crowd every other Saturday.

  It wasn’t long before a breath on her ear and a soft caress on her neck sent shivers down Dana’s spine. “Let me buy you something a little more interesting than that beer.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Intense eyes ensnared Dana, and she embraced their promise. She longed for a meaningful connection, for the kind of love she’d seen between her dad and mom. Dana’d first recognized her sexuality while making out with Mary Lou under the high school bleachers. Her one serious relationship with a woman had turned out to be completely one-sided. Dana and Brandy were seniors and inseparable. They’d sit listening to Michael Jackson’s “You Are Not Alone,” for hours, and Dana’d thought she’d found the love of her life until Brandy left without a word, off to college without a backward glance.

  She hadn’t had time to disclose the new feelings to her parents before she lost them: one to a tragic accident and the other to the abyss of grief-induced alcoholism. Frequenting this bar hadn’t filled the emptiness, but she didn’t know how else to try. A few more drinks might convince her that she was loved, at least for one night. She sipped the Manhattan the woman had set in front of her.

  The woman’s nipple hardened as she subtly pressed her left breast against Dana’s right arm. Just as subtly, Dana moved her arm back and forth until she heard the woman whimper.

  “You wanna dance?”

  “Yeah, let’s dance.”

  Their thighs pressed against each other’s heat as they danced, undulating slowly.

  Dana didn’t know who this woman was. All she knew was their shared need, the need for a connection. She couldn’t stop the thought from creeping in. Could this be the one? She pulled the woman close, but her mind was fuzzy and her step unsteady. The woman steered her toward the exit as she whispered, “Let’s get out of here.”

  *

  Dana rolled over and groaned as she squinted at the early morning light filtering into the unfamiliar room. She didn’t remember much of the previous night, but she remembered the tiny squares of dull pink tile on the hotel bathroom floor, cold and hard beneath her knees. She couldn’t figure out how her mom drank as much as she did and never got sick. She never drank hard liquor, so she guessed that must have been what had made her ill. Now she was naked in a strange bed, and where was the mystery woman? Dana realized she couldn’t remember much of anything beyond accepting a drink from an attractive stranger. Sighing, she acknowledged that this wasn’t how she was going to get what she wanted. She rolled to the edge of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom. Alone, she retched out the remnants of her stomach and let the tears fall.

  *

  Accepting the familiar Sunday morning emptiness that followed her Saturday night excursions, Dana wandered into her living room to turn on the light to her fish tank. “Hey, kids. Sorry I left you alone all night.” Long ago, Dana decided it was all right for her to talk to her fish. It didn’t seem a lot different than talking to dogs. Neither talked back nor offered opinions. They were just polite listeners. She sprinkled a few flakes of food into the tank and watched the feeding frenzy. She shuffled around her narrow galley kitchen readying the coffeemaker. “Sure wish I had someone to share morning coffee with.” Maria’s tender smile and deep brown eyes flashed in her mind, taking her completely unawares. The ringing of her doorbell jolted her out of her musing.

  When Dana opened the door, she barely managed to catch her mother as she fell into her arms. Dana steered her inebriated mother through the tiny living room and deposited her onto the faded couch. “Are you okay?”

  Her mother rubbed her face in what looked like an attempt to clear her sodden mind before speaking. “I’m fine, dear. Can’t I come visit my daughter?”

  “Mom, it’s eight thirty Sunday morning. Of course you can come to visit me, but I’d prefer that you let me know you’re coming and that you arrive sober. I’ve made coffee. I’ll get you a cup.”

  “I am sober.” Her mother stood, straightening her shoulders. Swaying to one side, she plopped back down on the couch. “Almost. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m here to tell you I may have come to a decision about the school.”

  Dana handed her mother a cup of steaming French roast. Her empty stomach roiled. Every few months, her mother came up with some “decision about the school.” It was an idea borne out of late night drinking binges. Occasionally, they were productive suggestions, but most were beyond the budget of the small grooming school. Usually the next day her mother didn’t even remember that she’d told Dana about them.

  “Okay. What’s the decision?”

  “I’m thinking of selling it.”

  Dana looked at her mother in disbelief.

  “Selling the school to whom, Mom? And what would you do for income?” What would I do for income? It was all she’d done for fifteen years. She could probably find a grooming job somewhere, but she’d poured her life into the school. Maybe it was time to talk to her mother about putting the business in both of their names and get her mother into rehab again. It almost worked the last time. If she could only get her mother to see herself as the vibrant, artistic woman that she was when she was sober. She’d been such a well-respected groomer and handler. Judges in the dog show circuit still remembered and talked about Lucy Langdon and the gentle but firm way she presented her springers. If any of the breeders were looking for a groomer, they called Lucy. It had been a dream of Dana’s parents to open a grooming school so her mother could teach what she did so well.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” her mother said, slumping back on the couch and sipping her coffee. “I still have Richard’s naval pension. I could make do. Haven’t you got some Irish whiskey to put in this?”

  Dana set her coffee cup down on the worn oak end table and turned to face her mother.

  “No. I don’t have any Irish whiskey, and maybe you ought to think about quitting drinking again.”

  “Listen, young lady. I can stop anytime. I’ll quit when I want to.”

  Feeling her
stomach turn from her own late night at the bar, Dana remained silent. She rose to make toast and refill their coffee cups. Maybe her mother would forget about selling the business if she sobered up later. She could hope, since it was the only stable thing in a life that felt increasingly empty.

  Chapter Three

  Maria said her good-byes to her friends in the choir and drove home to her little shop. She’d moved out of her husband’s three-bedroom ranch house six months ago. The house, located on the Saint Clair River, was owned by the church he pastored, with the dues paid by the members of his Church of God. Unknown to them, his clandestine dalliances were covered as well. It was right that she be the one to move out. She didn’t want that house anyway. Her dream had been to have her own beauty shop with enough room for her jewelry creations. Not only did she have that now because of her previous divorce settlement, but also it was a safe place to live until the current divorce was settled. No one was going to take it away from her. If she had to live in the tiny apartment until her son was out of college, she would. Lord help me!

  “Hi, Mom.” Her son emerged from the back of the shop, and Frankie raced past him to greet her.

  “Justin! I’m so glad you made it today.” Maria tossed her keys onto the counter by the door and grabbed him in a huge hug. “I’m sorry choir practice took so long, but our director arrived later than usual.”

  “It’s okay, Mom. I’ve only been here about twenty minutes. I took Frankie out, and I’ve been exploring. You sure have a lot of jewelry piled in the back. You’ve been busy! I’ll build you a cabinet with drawers when I come home for Thanksgiving if you’d like. How are you holding up?” Justin leaned far away enough from Maria to look into her eyes but still held her loosely around the waist.

  “I’m good, honey. I’m getting ready for the St. Clair fall arts and craft show. I’m looking forward to it.” Maria took a calming breath, moved away from Justin, and picked up Frankie before continuing. “I’ve already been through two divorces, and this one will be my last! Pete is being civil about it, though. He’s agreed to alimony, and I’ll get to keep my shop. He knows he did me wrong, but I just can’t seem to shake this feeling of being a failure. I thought for sure marrying a man of God would be wonderful. God gave me you, though, and I’m so grateful for that. I love you.” Maria leaned to give him a kiss on his cheek.

  “I love you too. Let’s go out to lunch. My treat. I got that part-time job at the rec center close to the university. I’ll be able to pay for all my books next semester.”

  “That’s great, honey, but make sure you have time to study. It’s hard working and going to school full time.”

  “I’ll be careful. My manager pretty much lets me set my own schedule. So, you want to go to that Mexican place in Port Huron?”

  “Yeah. It’s my favorite. Let me take Frankie out one more time. And by the way, you’ll get a haircut when we get back.” Maria ruffled his shaggy hair after setting Frankie down and grabbing his leash. She might feel like a failure in her choice of husbands, but Justin was the best thing she’d ever done. She was grateful for his endless support throughout years that had to have been difficult for him too.

  “Are you really doing all right, Mom?” Justin pulled a chair away from the small table by the window for Maria to sit in before settling into the chair opposite her at the restaurant.

  “Yes. I really am. I joined a nice church, I’m active in the choir, and I’ve made a few friends.” Memories of Dana’s calm manner and gentleness as she’d cradled Frankie made her smile. “How about you? Have you found a church near the university?”

  “Actually, I have. There’s a chapel right on campus. I walk to services every Sunday. It reminds me of Grandpa’s church. Totally open and loving.”

  Maria rested her hand on Justin’s. “I’m glad you found a church home. It’s important to stay connected to God. Your grandfather will be happy to hear about it.”

  Their conversation was interrupted by the server bringing their lunch.

  “Have you been fishing lately?” Justin asked between bites.

  “Yeah. I’ve missed you there with me. I walked to the boardwalk on the river a couple of times last week. Last Thursday, I caught an ugly catfish. I had Frankie with me, and he nearly jumped into the river to get away from the thing. There was a man fishing not far from me, and we had him quite entertained for a while.” Maria laughed. “Frankie was doing his best to stay as far away as possible from the flopping creature, and I was trying to get the silly thing off the hook without touching it. I finally just cut the line and threw it into a bucket. I gave it to the guy when we left. He seemed thrilled to have it.”

  Justin put his fork down and threw his head back laughing. “I can just picture that.”

  Maria enjoyed hearing his laughter. He was the most important person in her life and she hoped he’d learned some lessons from her mistakes, and never had to go through what she had.

  *

  Dana pulled into the tiny parking lot behind Amigos and glanced at her watch. Twelve fifteen. Her takeout order would be waiting for her. The tiny Mexican restaurant was her favorite. She made the drive nearly every Sunday to pick up some authentic Mexican food and drive to Lakeside Park, where she could watch the freighters travel to and from Lake Huron while she ate. As a child, she’d shared the peaceful weekly ritual with her father. Dana’s tears welled with the memory. He was a good man. If he were still alive, she wouldn’t have to deal with her mother’s breakdowns. If he were still alive, her mother wouldn’t be having breakdowns. She hopped out of her car and shook off the melancholy. She was anxious to get to the park and snag her favorite viewing spot.

  As soon as she entered the tiny eating area to get to the pickup counter, she spotted them. The handsome, athletic looking young man with dark eyes and jet-black hair looked so much like Maria that he had to be related somehow. She paid for her order and stopped at their table.

  “Hello, Maria. I don’t want to intrude, but I saw you and thought I’d say hello.”

  “Hi, Dana. It’s good to see you again. This is my son, Justin. He’s visiting from college today.”

  A pang of disappointment surprised her. So what if Maria had a son. Dana had no reason to believe Maria wasn’t a straight married woman. Still, parts of her wished those lovely full breasts and round hips were available. She quickly pushed that thought away and willed her libido back under control.

  “Nice to meet you, Justin. What school are you attending?”

  “Michigan State. I’m in the College of Veterinary Medicine.”

  “Very cool. That’s an important field.” Dana rested a hand on the back of Maria’s chair while holding her carryout bag in the other.

  “It’s my first semester and I like it so far.”

  “Good luck to you. I hope to see you again one day.” Dana turned to Maria. “How’s Frankie doing?”

  Maria seemed impressed that Dana remembered her dog’s name. “He’s great, but I’m afraid his nails are already getting long again.”

  “Just bring him by one day. I’ll clip them for you.”

  “I’d appreciate that, but I don’t want to take advantage of your services. I know you don’t generally do just nail trims. He’s due for a visit to the vet anyway.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s special. I don’t mind a bit. Just call when you need them done.”

  Dana paused. She didn’t want to leave. Something about Maria tugged at her. She wanted to get to the park, but she hoped Maria would ask her to stay. Justin tilted his head as though expecting her to say more.

  “I’ll be on my way before my lunch gets cold. Nice to see you again, Maria. Enjoy your visit, Justin.” Dana made her way out of the restaurant to her car and to her weekly escape.

  Dana thought about the day Maria had come in with Frankie. She wasn’t sure why it mattered, but she would’ve been disappointed if she hadn’t been able to help her. “God bless you” Maria’d said. It seemed an odd way to express thanks f
or trimming her dog’s nails, but whatever.

  She pulled into her favorite parking spot and attempted to settle into a meditative state. She followed the progress of a freighter while her mind drifted to Maria. Who was this woman? Except for her sparkly necklace and bracelets, she seemed exceptionally conservative. Based on her God comment, she was religious, too. Dana sighed, remembering the sparkling of her eyes and softening of her beautiful face when she’d looked at her son. Maria was a straight, religious woman with a kid, and a client on top of that. Dana’s loneliness made her wish it could be otherwise. There was just something about her. Something warm and genuine that made her want to know more.

  Chapter Four

  Dr. Jaylin Meyers smiled as her next patient slunk into the exam room.

  “Hello, Frankie. How’s my favorite dachshund today?” She gently hefted the overweight canine onto the exam table. “Hi, Maria. I see he’s due for some vaccinations.”

  “Hi, Dr. Jay. Yeah. Could you please trim his nails while he’s here and just give him what he needs? And could I do the payment plan again? Things have been pretty slow at the shop.” Not used to disclosing personal information, Maria hesitated. “And I’m going through a divorce and waiting for the alimony settlement.”

  “No problem. He had his rabies shot last year, so he’s good for a couple more years on that. Let’s take a look at you little guy.” Dr. Meyers spent the next fifteen minutes palpating, probing, and listening to the little dog’s heart and lungs. “He seems to be in good health except for the extra pounds. Like I told you last year, keep an eye on his back. That extra weight puts a strain on his spine.”