Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  “How was the dachshund race?”

  “It was fun. Maybe next time you could go with me.”

  “Maybe so, dear. We’ll see.” Her mother emptied the first glass of whiskey in two gulps and proceeded to refill the glass. “Were there a lot of people there?”

  “It was packed. They ended up holding it outside because it was such a nice day. We watched from some bleachers they had set up.”

  “We? Did you go with someone?”

  “Yeah. There’s a woman who brought her dachshund in for a nail trim a few weeks ago and I invited her along. I think she enjoyed it.”

  “Is this woman a friend of yours? I don’t remember you mentioning her before.” Her mother took a sip of her drink.

  “I think she could be a friend. She’s very religious, so we’ll see.” Dana wasn’t ready to get into any further discussion about Maria. “After the race I left a bunch of business cards on the community table.”

  “Good. We probably need to advertise a little. It doesn’t seem like we’re making much money these days. Are you doing okay?”

  The question surprised Dana. Her mother hadn’t bothered to ask about her well-being for some time. “Yeah, Mom. I’m doing fine. I think we can do well with the school if we advertise a bit more.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave it up to you then. I’ve got pictures to organize.”

  “Are these the pictures of us and Dad on vacation?” Dana asked.

  “Yes. Richard, you, and me at Disney World. All of us at various dog shows.” Her mother looked miles away for a moment, then shook her head and gulped down the last of the liquid in her glass. She refreshed her drink and swayed to the counter. “What did you say you brought for dinner?”

  “Tuna noodle casserole.”

  “Good, let’s eat.”

  *

  Dana pulled into the church parking lot fifteen minutes early. The building itself was plainer than she’d expected. There was no cross or church bell outside. It looked like any plain brick building in town. The floor to ceiling windowpanes gave it an open feeling, and the huge expanse of tiles on the covered patio was filled with people standing around and chatting. She hadn’t envisioned so many folks attending a church service. She had to drive through the parking lot several times to find a parking spot, and it was one of a couple left in the back of the building. She wished she made better plans as to where to meet Maria. As she walked toward the building, she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

  “Dana? Wait up. I’ll walk in with you.”

  Dana turned toward the voice and relief settled her nerves when she recognized one of her clients from the school.

  “Hi, Angie. I’ve come to hear Maria sing today. She invited me last Monday.”

  “I’m glad she invited you. I think it will be a good service today. I sing in the choir with her. This is sort of a practice for our upcoming Christmas service, but don’t worry; we won’t be singing any Christmas songs today. Just hymns.”

  She and Angie squeezed through the throng of people hugging, shaking hands, and milling about the lobby. “Are there always so many people here?”

  “No, this is a pretty big turnout. I think it’s because of our special choir arrangements today. I heard we might be having a guest pastor speak today too. Come on, I see Maria waiting by the sanctuary door.”

  Dana caught her breath as she watched Maria lean close, smile, and say something to a couple going past her into the room. She imagined she could feel the warm touch when she cradled the elderly woman’s tiny right hand between hers. Dana had never seen her in anything except jeans and a sweater. Today she wore a short-sleeved, flowing, knee-length black dress that hugged her figure and accentuated her lovely curves. She had a shawl that looked handmade thrown casually over her shoulders, and her slight heels emphasized her muscular, stocking clad legs. Her dark, shiny locks caressed her shoulders whenever she turned her head, and Dana longed to run her fingers through them. She was glad she’d chosen a nice pair of slacks to wear with her deep blue silk shirt instead of the black jeans she had originally picked out of her meager wardrobe. Maria looked up and when their eyes met, Dana smiled and hoped her expression didn’t reveal her thoughts. They were in a church, after all.

  “Hi. You look great.”

  “Thank you.”

  Dana didn’t think Maria could get any prettier until she saw the blush creep along her cheeks.

  “I see Angie found you before I did. I can’t believe how many people came today. I’m nervous about my solo now.”

  “You, of all people, don’t need to be nervous.” Angie took Maria’s hands and shook them gently in front of her. “You have the voice of an angel.”

  There was that sweet blush again.

  “Thanks, Ang. Let’s go in and get a seat.”

  Dana caught the faint scent of Opium as Maria stepped next to Dana and lightly cupped her elbow to lead the way into the sanctuary. The low ceiling and cinderblock walls gave the room more of a feel of a basement than a church. There was no altar, no cross, not even a statue. A raised gray-carpeted platform housing a plain oak lectern that Dana presumed was the pulpit, took up a large area of the front of the room. It reminded her of her high school speech class. A Hammond organ sat off to the side of the platform leaving an area that looked big enough for a choir. There were no pews. Rows of padded folding chairs lined up next to each other on the dull hardwood floor, created a semi-circle facing the lectern. The room was filling quickly, and Dana scooted down several chairs to allow Maria and Angie to sit at the end of the aisle. She’d expected Maria to sit somewhere with the choir, and she grinned when she sat in the chair next to hers instead. All she had to do was shift a little and their thighs would be touching, but she didn’t move.

  “Angie said there might be a guest pastor today. Is that unusual?”

  “What?” Maria swung to face Angie. “Who’s the guest pastor today, Angie? I didn’t hear anything about it.”

  “I’m not sure,” Angie said, squirming in her seat. “Annie told me she had to cut two hymns out of our program to leave time for the speaker. She didn’t tell me who it was.” Angie looked distressed, and Dana sensed Maria tensing beside her.

  “Is everything okay, you guys? Is there something wrong with having a guest preacher?” Dana was at a loss to figure out what was going on. She had no idea what the protocol was for an Assembly of God church.

  “Yes. It’s fine, Dana. I’m just surprised that Pastor Mike didn’t say anything about it last week. He usually makes an announcement to the congregation.”

  Dana settled back in her chair to wait for whichever pastor was going to preach. Within five minutes, a bearded, gray-haired man in black dress slacks, a tan sport coat, and scuffed black loafers made his way to the lectern stand. He carried a well-worn bible in his left hand, which he raised above his head as he turned toward the silent crowd. He adjusted his glasses before lowering his Good Book and proceeding to shout.

  “Repent of your sins, be baptized in the name of Jesus, and turn to Him for salvation. In His name, you shall be saved. His hand shall heal you. His love will give you everlasting life.”

  Dana flinched at the vehemence of the preaching, but as she glanced around the room people looked entranced.

  “Rejoice in the name of the Lord! Your children offer themselves willingly. We await your spirit, Holy One. Wash over us. Cleanse us of our sins.”

  As the pastor continued, he became more animated and the crowd stirred. A woman seated on the end of their row stood, raised her arms over her head, and shouted, “Halleluiah, I’m yours Lord. Speak to me Holy Ghost. Speak through me. I’m yours.”

  The rest of whatever the woman was saying was lost on Dana. She couldn’t understand a word coming from the woman’s mouth. This must be what they call speaking in tongues. Maria had mentioned being “moved by the spirit,” but Dana never imagined anything like this. As if by some unspoken cue, the people raised their hands above their heads. Quite a n
umber, including Maria and Angie, stood and began to sway to the soft sound of a hymn floating from the organ. She and Angie had their hands up and their faces turned toward the ceiling. Their eyelids fluttered closed and their mouths moved in silent prayer. This was so different from her experience of church, where the congregation sat quietly, heads bowed, and their hands clasped in prayer. Dana worried that her growing discomfort would somehow offend Maria. She was one of only a few people still seated with her hands in her lap. Surely, she wouldn’t expect her to participate when she didn’t know what she was doing. She hoped this stopped soon so she could hear Maria sing her solo. She was becoming more uncomfortable the longer this service, or whatever it was, went on. She considered slipping out, but she’d have to slide past Maria and Angie to do that. She began making up her excuse to leave when the pastor spoke.

  “Yes, Lord, yes. Wash away our sins. Speak to us. Send us Your Holy Word.”

  The preacher seemed to be winding down a bit, and quite a few people settled back into their seats.

  “The Holy Spirit is really moving today! Let’s have our lovely choir come up to minister to us in song.”

  Maria surprised her by squeezing her hand before leaving. She leaned close and whispered, “I’ll be back in a little while.”

  She didn’t recognize the hymn that Maria sang for her solo, but the timbre of her voice and her astounding control was captivating. Angie was right; she did have the voice of an angel. Dana closed her eyes and let the mesmerizing tones wash over her. She opened her eyes in time to watch her finish. She had her arms in the air, her face turned upward, and tears trickled down her smooth cheeks. She mouthed words to the air, thank you, Lord, before lowering her arms and smiling to the congregation. She was breathtaking.

  Dana refrained from standing and cheering. She glanced around the silent room, and while most people were smiling, nearly everyone had their arms up and their heads tipped back in silent prayer. The choir began another hymn, and Dana relaxed back into her chair to wait for whatever came next.

  “Pastor Peter Spencer has graciously agreed to minister to us today.”

  The pastor motioned for a man at the back to come up, and Dana figured it must be the guest pastor. She saw Maria tense and noticed that Angie held her hand. She watched the man swagger down the aisle, and although she didn’t know what was causing Maria’s discomfort, she longed to put her arm around her and pull her close. Maria had been fidgeting and whispering to Angie since she sat down, and it seemed to have something to do with this guest pastor. As she reviewed his name in her mind, she made the connection. His last name. Was this Maria’s husband? Why she seemed uncomfortable about it was a mystery.

  She studied the tall man standing at the pulpit, saturating the room with words of repentance and salvation. She wondered if Maria was responsible for his precisely cut salt-and-pepper hair and neatly trimmed beard. His tanned skin reminded her of the professional golfers she’d seen on TV. His cold gray eyes scanned the room as if looking for prey. Dana wasn’t familiar with clothing, living in jeans like she usually did, but even she could tell the dark pinstriped suit the man wore had to be expensive. It was a perfect fit for his tall, thin frame. His unwrinkled pants had razor sharp creases down the front and back. The white shirt he wore looked to be silk with a burgundy tie and matching pocket square. As he moved away from the pulpit to stress some important point, Dana noticed his polished wing-tipped shoes. She got the sense that his appearance was important. Maybe too important.

  Dana hid her disappointment when Maria rushed out of the building with a quick good-bye as soon as the sermon was over. It was probably for the best. She was beginning to feel foolish for becoming infatuated with someone totally committed to a life alien to Dana.

  “Is she all right?” she asked Angie as they made their way outside.

  “She’s fine. I think maybe her son was coming to visit today so she went home.”

  “Ah, okay. I guess I’ll see you next time you bring Mitsy in then.”

  “Before you go.” Angie grasped her wrist. “How did you like the service? Were you moved by it?”

  “I don’t know that I was ‘moved’ by any of it, but it was different. I enjoyed listening to Maria sing. The whole choir is good. That guest pastor seemed pretty intense.”

  “That was Maria’s husband. Handsome man, isn’t he? He must have wanted to support her in her solo today. I love listening to him preach; he’s so powerful.”

  Dana gently retrieved her arm from Angie but wasn’t quick enough to bid her good-bye before she began speaking again, this time with the same kind of vehemence as her pastor.

  “If you accept God into your life, he will heal you, Dana. I’d love to have you as part of our repenting flock.”

  Dana hadn’t a clue as to what Angie was talking about, but she didn’t want to seem rude. “Thank you, Angie. I appreciate your concern for my soul.”

  “Dana.” Angie grabbed her arm again before she could walk away. “I’m serious. I know Maria feels this way too. If you give up your sinful ways and ask Jesus into your life, you will be healed.”

  “Thank you again, Angie. I need to go now. Please tell Maria when you see her that I enjoyed her solo.”

  Dana sprinted back to her vehicle. Her discomfort with Angie almost eclipsed her disappointment at finding out Maria was happily married and only invited her to church to convert her. Almost. Guess she knows I’m a lesbian.

  *

  Maria threw herself back against the driver’s seat in frustration. Then she leaned her head on the steering wheel to rest from the exertion of having beaten on it. Of all the days for her car not to start. All she’d wanted to do was get away from Peter as soon as possible. When she saw him in the back of the room after her solo, she’d swallowed her anger and managed to stay seated for the remainder of the service. Her mind had raced. She hadn’t seen him since she’d moved out. Could he have known she was attending this church? He wouldn’t have cared. He did whatever he wanted to, wherever he wanted to. Painful memories of her life with him threatened to overwhelm her, so she hurried out the door immediately after the sermon.

  She knew her ten-year-old vehicle was living on borrowed time, but she needed to get through the final divorce proceedings before she’d know how much of a financial settlement she’d be getting, and for alimony payments to begin. She started at the sound of a light tapping on her passenger side window.

  “Are you all right, Maria?” Dana asked.

  Dana. God. She realized how rude she must have appeared. She invited her to come to church and then rushed out, leaving her standing at the exit. She didn’t even stop to ask her if she’d enjoyed the service. The ulterior motive to the invitation seemed somehow devious now, and she felt a twinge of guilt. The windows, like the engine, refused all signs of life, so she opened the driver’s door and stepped out to look at Dana across the roof of her car.

  “Yes. I’m fine, but my car won’t start. It doesn’t even turn over.”

  “Sounds like a dead battery. Can I give you a ride somewhere?”

  “You don’t have to bother. Angie’s probably still here. She lives nearby.”

  “Actually, Angie left right after I did. I think she’s gone already. It’s no trouble, really.”

  Maria glanced around the nearly empty parking lot and turned a grateful smile on Dana.

  “Thanks. Maybe you could drop me off at Meijer. I think they sell car batteries.”

  “We can sure go and find out.”

  Maria threw her useless car keys into her purse and followed Dana to her Forester.

  “Thank you so much for this. I’m sure you have better things to do than cart me around town.”

  Dana’s mellow chuckle settled her nerves. Maria hated asking for help. She prided herself on being able to handle issues on her own. She’d raised her son on her own for most of his life, and was determined to give him a good start on his college education. Along with that, she managed her own business
. She sighed as she slumped into Dana’s passenger seat and hoped all her car needed was a new battery. How hard could it be to hook one up? Surely they came with instructions?

  On the short ride into town, Maria’s apprehension grew. What if it’s more than a dead battery? What if she needed a new engine? She didn’t have the money for a new car. Maybe after the divorce settlement she would, but who knew how long it would take Peter to send her money. It probably had to go through the court system first. She jumped and let out a startled murmur when Dana placed her warm fingers on her arm.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Dana’s brows creased with concern. “You’re awfully quiet.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just scared that there’s something seriously wrong with my car. I need to get to court tomorrow afternoon. I don’t usually work on Monday, but I have four clients scheduled for the morning, and I need to stop at the bank before I go.” She stopped her rambling to take a breath.

  “Okay. Let’s just take this one step at a time.” Ice water seemed to form where Dana’s fingers had been when she moved her hand back to the steering wheel. “First, we’ll try the battery. If it’s something more than that, you can deal with it then.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not usually so unsure of myself, and I feel badly about leaving you so suddenly after the service. Did you enjoy it?”

  “I loved your singing. Angie hung around a little and told me that guest preacher was your husband. He’s quite a dynamic speaker.”

  “Dynamic all right.” Maria didn’t bother trying to keep the bitterness from her voice. “A hypocritical, two-timing, son-of-a-gun is what he is.”

  “Angie indicated you two were close. She thought he came today to support you.”

  “Angie told you that?” Maria tried to figure out why her friend would have lied to Dana. The only reason she could come up with was that maybe she thought it wasn’t her place to tell Dana about the divorce. “She’s mistaken. Actually, we’re getting divorced. That’s the reason I need to be in court tomorrow. I’m hoping it’ll all be over and I can move on with my life. Our lawyers have been working out the details for nearly six months.”