Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  “I’m sorry. That has to be hard. I’m glad you have Justin. He’s probably a comfort for you.”

  Maria smiled at the mention of her son. She was proud of the young man he’d grown to be, and she took most of the credit. His eighteen year-old father hadn’t wanted to acknowledge his existence, much less help with his upbringing.

  “Yes. He’s turned out to be a fine young man.”

  “Here we are,” Dana said as she pulled into a parking spot in the sparsely filled lot. “Let’s go see about a battery.”

  Maria looked around the automotive section of the store, which smelled like a combination of rubber and chemicals. She turned to Dana, totally confused. Dana smiled and went straight to the counter. She asked about the battery, letting the clerk know what type of vehicle it was going into, and ten minutes later, they were back in Dana’s car with the new battery.

  “Thank you,” Maria said. “That would’ve taken me forever, and I’d worry the whole time that I was getting the wrong size or something. I never learned anything about cars.”

  Dana glanced at her, but she saw no judgment in her expression. “No problem. I’m glad I could help.”

  They pulled up next to Maria’s car and Dana told her to pop the hood while she pulled a toolbox out of the back of her vehicle. She removed the old battery in what seemed like minutes. Maria sat quietly in her driver’s seat feeling hopelessly inept and watched Dana’s self-assured motions. She wondered what it would be like to be so confident. She seemed never to waver in her concentration. Her belly did a strange trembling at the thought of being at the heart of that intense attention.

  Dana looked up from where she was bent over, her sleeves rolled up, and a battery cable in each hand. “It’s pretty straightforward. The black wire connects to the black terminal and the red connects to the red one.”

  Maria knew Dana had figured out Maria had never replaced a battery as soon as she heard her ask the sales clerk for the instruction manual. She watched Dana wipe her hands on a rag Maria had in her trunk and roll down the sleeves of her dress shirt. The move sent an unfamiliar sensation directly to Maria’s gut.

  “My dad taught me this, as well as a few other car maintenance skills, when I started driving. I’m pretty good at changing a flat tire too. Okay, give it a try.”

  Dana smiled as the little engine burst into life on the first try.

  “Thank you, again. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me today.”

  Dana closed the hood and stepped over to the driver’s side. Maria caught the subtle scent she wore, and she willed herself not to lean closer to her.

  Dana leaned against the door and looked at her, her expression serious. “I’m glad I could help. I almost didn’t see you back here. I was looking for a less congested route out of the lot when I saw someone slumped in her car. I didn’t realize it was you until I got closer. I’m going to head home soon, but I wanted to thank you for inviting me to church. I talked to Angie for a bit after the service. I guess I should say she talked to me, and I was a little uncomfortable. I just need to tell you something. I like you, and I really hope it doesn’t spoil our friendship.” Dana frowned, but continued. “I’m a lesbian. I realized I was different from the other girls when I was in high school, and as the years passed, I learned that I needed to accept myself before I could expect anyone else to. I hope you understand that because I got the impression from Angie that you invited me to church to convince me to repent, to admit that I need to atone for my sins. I am who I am, Maria. I’m not ashamed of who I am, and I don’t intend to hide that. I’m looking for love like anyone else. I just know that, when I finally find what I want, it will be with a woman.” She stopped talking and waited.

  Maria couldn’t think of anything to say. She hadn’t expected Dana to be so open and forthright about her sexuality. She opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a breath of uncertainty. Dana shrugged, turned, and walked to her car.

  Maria had seen the disappointment on her face and she clenched her steering wheel in frustration as she watched Dana drive away.

  Maria sat in her car for a few minutes after Dana drove away. What could she say? She had invited Dana to church in hopes the Holy Spirit would move her. Now she wasn’t sure where it was supposed to move her. Dana admitted she was a lesbian. That solved that mystery. Did it mean they couldn’t be friends? Would being seen with Dana make people think she was a lesbian? If Dr. Jay was a lesbian too, should they have dinner together? Too many questions bombarded her. What was it Dana had said? “…just take this one step at a time.” First, she had to get home and take Frankie out, and then she wanted to talk to Angie and find out why she’d lied to Dana.

  Maria pulled into her parking spot in the back of her shop. Her stomach knotted, and she briefly considered letting the car run until the next day, afraid that if she turned it off it wouldn’t start again. But then she’d probably run out of gas and be in worse trouble. She turned the key to shut off the engine and sat for a moment before restarting it. The engine turned over easily and her stomach knot dissolved.

  With Frankie snuggled comfortably in her lap after his romp around the parking lot and a hot cup of her homemade lentil soup on the TV tray, Maria dialed Angie’s number. After several rings, it went to voice mail so she left a message for her to call her back. She picked up her box of beads and settled into the task that never failed to calm her.

  Chapter Nine

  “You’re later than usual today,” the petite cashier at Amigos said, as she took Dana’s order. “We’re ready to switch to our dinner menu.”

  “I got a late start today. I’ll order from the later menu if it’s a problem.” Dana had almost skipped the familiar routine of her Sunday lunch, but she hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was nearly midafternoon. She didn’t mind helping Maria, but it was likely she wouldn’t be seeing much of her anymore and it had given her a little more time with her. She hadn’t wanted to leave without clearing the air about the church invitation though. It stung to think Maria had only invited her to try to convert her, although she probably should have known someone so religious wouldn’t accept her as she was. She didn’t know for sure if Maria had suspected she was a lesbian, but Dana had spent too many years, and tears, denying her sexuality and willing herself to change. Maria would have to accept her for who she was. If that meant losing the friendship altogether, then so be it. She wouldn’t hide who she was for anyone.

  Part of her had hoped Maria would deny the motivation for her invitation to church and they would have spent the day together. She had fantasized that they would order their Mexican food and travel to Dana’s spot by the river, where they’d eat and enjoy the view together. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. Even if Maria decided she still wanted Dana as a friend, would she continue to push her to go to church? There wasn’t much point in hanging out with someone who couldn’t handle her being out and true to herself. Dana exhaled, trying to release the pressure in her chest. She wanted to capture the serenity of the slow-moving freighters making their way through the swift current of the Saint Clair River. Whatever came later, she’d deal with then.

  *

  “Looks like we’re going to get rained on today,” Dana said as she glanced away from her task to observe the dark clouds rolling across the eastern sky and obscuring the morning sun. White caps warned off any attempt by boats smaller than the gigantic freighters to navigate the narrow river.

  “I’m glad we were able to get this spot away from the river’s edge. Let’s finish setting up our booth and I’ll get the extra tie-downs from my car.”

  The student Dana brought with her to the arts and craft fair nodded and continued to secure the white tent. When Dana returned with more stakes and roping, they finished securing the corners and set up a plastic folding table.

  “We’ll wait a little before we set out our papers. I don’t want them blowing away before anyone has a chance to look at them. I thought we could set up the po
rtable grooming table right in the middle of our space. It will be the most protected spot if it does rain. You ready to show off a little today?” Dana grinned at her most advanced student. Janet was a talented groomer and had a gentle but firm touch with the dogs. She’d be sorry to see her shy, soft-spoken student go when she graduated at the end of the month. It was students like this that made Dana wish she could expand the school and offer her star pupils employment.

  “I’m ready, I guess. Gumby’s waiting in the van. I thought I’d trim him up a little today and shave his feet. He’s in a puppy cut now that I love, but if you think it would help, I could do a little more on him today.”

  “Let’s wait and see how many people we get to come by. I think just having your sweet standard poodle here will draw a crowd. If you just look busy clipping and trimming, that may be enough to hold their interest. Who knows, people may not show up because of the weather. If someone asks you to brush out their dog today, I’ll let you decide if you want to. I plan to give out ten percent off coupons for a first visit, so if you don’t want to do any freebies today, I understand. This isn’t an ideal setting for anything too extensive, and your cordless clipper will only last so long.”

  Dana sat in one of the folding chairs they’d brought and poured herself a cup of coffee from her thermos. They had sandwiches and water in a cooler. She planned to be here all day. Her thoughts strayed to Maria, and she wondered where she was setting up inside. She really would like to see her jewelry, but Dana hadn’t heard from her since the Sunday she’d attended her church, and she wasn’t going to chase her down. It still hurt to think the only reason she was invited was that she had wanted to change her. She missed her smile and her sensitivity and her beautiful laugh. Dana wanted to go look for her table and talk to her, but she stayed where she sat. Even though part of her hoped Maria would be the one to make the first move, she knew their friendship probably wasn’t meant to be. Dana settled into her chair to wait for Janet and her big, uncoordinated apricot standard poodle.

  *

  Maria arranged the display cases across the six-foot folding table and hung a few of her favorite pieces on stands. She wanted to go look for Dana. She wanted to explain something she couldn’t even figure out herself. She hadn’t wanted to deceive Dana or hurt her feelings, but she feared that was exactly what she’d done. Dana had claimed who she was with no apologies, and Maria wasn’t convinced she had any right to tell her it was wrong, regardless of what the pastor said. She wasn’t sure what she would say to her when they saw each other again, but even while working, her mind kept drifting to Dana. Her honesty and gentle touch were genuine. She thought about the hypocrisy rampant in her church, and realized that its teaching that God didn’t love everyone equally troubled her. She thought about her conversation with Angie the weekend before, which continued to bother her.

  “Angie. Wait up.” Maria had needed to trot to catch up to her as they traversed the church parking lot. Angie appeared not to hear Maria calling her and disappeared into the crowd of church members assembling in the lobby. She finally caught up with her in the choir room, but she was reluctant to talk to her about Dana with several other choir members around. “Good morning, Ang. Did you get my message the other day? I wanted to ask you something. Can we talk for a minute?”

  “Hi. Sure. I just need to pick up the music sheet for this week. I…uh…couldn’t make it for practice Wednesday.”

  “I’ll go out and grab us a couple of seats.”

  “Be right there.” Angie fiddled with the paper in her hands and her gaze flitted everywhere but at Maria.

  “Are you all right? You seem nervous. The songs this week aren’t new. You’ll do fine.” She gently touched Angie’s shoulder and took a step back when she flinched.

  “I’m fine. I just don’t like it when I don’t have enough time to prepare, you know. I’ll be out in a minute.” She was backing away so quickly she nearly tripped over a music stand behind her.

  “You sure? You don’t look fine. You look, I don’t know, scared, maybe. I’m here if you want to talk. I’ll see you out there.”

  The service was almost over when Maria gave up hope that Angie would join her. A new member whom Maria had never met had replaced her spot in the choir. Angie just seemed to have disappeared. She introduced herself to the new young woman anyway. Maybe she knew what happened to Angie.

  “Hello. My name is Maria. I don’t believe we’ve met. Welcome to our choir.” She held out her hand in a welcoming gesture.

  “I’m Gloria. It’s nice to meet you. This is my first week and I love it. Pastor Mike is wonderful. Everyone is so welcoming here.” Gloria clasped Maria’s hand in both of hers and shook them with each word.

  “I’m glad you like it. Did you happen to see where Angie went? She was the member you stepped in for today.” She gently extracted her hand from Gloria’s grasp.

  “Oh, yes. I know Angie. I met her this morning. She said she had an appointment today, but the handsome man she met in the parking lot looked like more than a mere appointment.”

  “Ah,” Maria said. “I was worried something was wrong. I wanted to talk to her today.” Unsure if she should press for more information, she just nodded and turned to leave.

  “I watched them when they left.” Gloria kept talking. “They looked pretty cozy. I figured he must be her husband or boyfriend the way she snuggled up to him in the car.” Gloria let out a huge sigh before continuing. “I hope I can find a man like that. He was so dapper in his fitted suit and burgundy tie. He’s one of those handsome men who can wear any color.”

  “I’m sure you’ll find someone, Gloria. As they say, when you least expect it.” Maria didn’t want to think about who the man was. She knew Angie’s husband of seven years, and with his receding hairline and prominent paunch, he was anything but dapper. He was, however, loving and committed to Angie.

  She hoped Angie would call her soon and shook off her concerns for her to concentrate on selling her designs. The rain clouds built into thick cover above them instead of passing over. She was grateful the craft area of the show was indoors. Wet weather would drive people inside and that meant more traffic by her table. Of course, it could also mean fewer people attending the event. She had a thermos of coffee, and her cooler filled with bottled water and sandwiches, so she was prepared to stay all day. Her table was near the front of the building that faced the Saint Clair River, so she had floor to ceiling windows at her back. Separated by only a parking lot and narrow street, she’d have a nice view of the water.

  She pulled out strings from her ever-present bag of beads and settled into her portable folding chair. Within a few minutes, she was once again thinking over the previous church service, when the pastor had asked to speak to her.

  “Maria. Could I see you in my office for a moment?”

  She couldn’t remember a time when Pastor Mike asked her into his office. She was usually the one requesting an audience with him.

  “Certainly.” She followed the unsmiling man to his office.

  “Thanks for your time. I won’t keep you long. I wanted to know if your friend enjoyed the service a couple of weeks ago when she was here. And did she say anything about being moved by the Holy Spirit?” The pastor sat behind his metal desk and Maria sat in the same chair she used the day she came to talk to him about Dana. She didn’t consider his question odd because his concern would be natural for one of his flock. She thought hard about her answer before she spoke.

  “She did enjoy the service. I know she liked the music ministry. I don’t think she was moved, however. At least, not the way we were hoping. She admitted to being a lesbian, but I don’t think she has any intention of changing. She feels that she needs to be accepted for who she is. Isn’t it up to God to touch her heart and bring her to a righteous path?”

  “God will lead her to salvation, but she must admit her sins and turn from her evil ways. The Good Book says she is an abomination in the eyes of God. She must repe
nt and accept Him into her life.” Pastor Mike slapped his hands on the top of his desk, startling Maria. “You have to help her see she’s going down the wrong road. You have to make sure she knows what she has to do.” He stopped and glared at her until she thought his eyes would pop out of his head.

  “Surely you wouldn’t have me force her to come to church against her will. I’ll ask her again, but I can’t make her attend services.”

  “She would be welcome here one more time. If she does not allow the spirit to move through her, I’m afraid I can’t allow her back into this holy building.”

  “One more time? I’ll ask her, but isn’t the point to encourage her to seek and learn the word of God? How can she do that if she’s not welcome here? And she may not want to come again at all.” Maria was getting agitated. This just didn’t feel right. The one thing her father had preached since she was a child was that no one should be excluded from entering a house of God. Ever. It didn’t matter what religion or race you were, you were welcome in his church. Of course, she couldn’t remember him ever mentioning sexual orientation in his sermons, but she was sure he would have embraced any gay person and encouraged them to attend services. It was time for her to find out. She had left the pastor’s office feeling angry and slightly ill, and she didn’t like it.

  She was brought back to the moment by a woman inquiring about a necklace.

  “I’m asking fifteen dollars for this one.” Maria had painstakingly marked every piece on her table with clearly visible price tags. It wasn’t unusual for a few to consider the price she asked as only a suggestion. This woman was one of those.

  “That’s a lot of money.” The lady clasped the front of her blouse over her heart with her right hand, as if she was ready to drop of heart failure. “I can’t afford that much. I’ll give you eight dollars.”