Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  Maria worked to maintain diplomacy. This was a craft show, not a garage sale. “I have this smaller necklace that’s only ten dollars. It’s the same color and I can throw in a matching pair of earrings.”

  “I suppose that will have to do.” The woman proffered a dramatic sigh and pulled out a ten-dollar bill.

  It was getting late in the day, and Maria was tired and had to get home to let Frankie out. She hadn’t done as well as she would have liked, but she’d sold four of her most elaborate necklaces and matching bracelets, so her gas and entry expenses were covered. She wondered if Dana had been at the show. She had mixed feelings about seeing her. She wanted to, but she wasn’t sure what to say, so she took the easy way out and stayed at her table all day. She waited until most of the exhibitors left in hopes of avoiding Dana, then she quickly packed up her remaining pieces, folded up her table, and headed to her car.

  “Need a hand with that?” The mellow contralto sounded as soothing as a cello recital. “Let me help with that table, at least.” Maria turned toward Dana and lost herself in the calming cerulean gaze.

  “Thank you. It’s not heavy, but it’s awkward to carry along with everything else.”

  “You could take one at a time, you know.”

  “I was in a hurry.” Maria could feel the blush creeping up her cheeks as she thought about the fact that avoiding Dana was the reason she was in a hurry.

  “All the better that I stopped to help you then. How’d you do today?”

  “I did okay. I’m always hoping to do better, but I came out a few dollars ahead. How about you?”

  “We did great. I’m glad the rain held off. It was just a little breezy out by the water. I brought one of my star pupils with me and she’s still over there showing a group how to use a pair of trimming scissors. She has her standard poodle with her and he loves all the attention. It turns out he’s quite a star now. We’re giving out ten percent off coupons for first time haircuts and it’s going over well. I put the same ad on our website. I can’t wait to see how many new customers it brings in.”

  “Good. I’m glad for you. Here’s my car. Thanks for the help.”

  “No problem. I see she’s still running fine and starting okay, huh?”

  “Yes. Thanks again for that. Now that my divorce is settled, I’ll be looking to buy a new car. No more dead batteries!”

  “Give Frankie a pat for me. I’ll see you around.”

  Maria watched Dana walk away. She was still so conflicted about her feelings toward her. Her faith and her son were the most important things in her life. She needed to figure out where Dana fit in and why it seemed important that she did. Dana was a lesbian and made no apologies for it. That didn’t bother her, but when she thought about the pastor’s vehemence, she wondered if it should. She shook her head. Her parents would help her sort all this out. She finished loading her station wagon and headed home to make plans for a trip to Ohio.

  Maria felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck, as though she were being watched. Goose bumps broke out over her arms, and she looked around. The place was empty, and suddenly she felt incredibly alone. She didn’t see anyone watching her, but the feeling remained. She quickly got in her car and locked the doors, telling herself she was silly even as she drove quickly off the site.

  *

  “Hi, kids. I’m back. Did you miss your food bag?” Dana laughed at her question to her angelfish as she tossed her car keys on the kitchen counter and set the leftover handouts next to them so she’d remember to take them to the school in the morning. Why in the world did she sign a lease restricting pets? She could be cuddled up on the couch with a sweet spaniel who knew her, rather than talking to fish who just wanted food. She knew why. It was so she could be close to her mother and keep an eye on her. She allowed herself a minute to feel the ache ricochet around the hollowness in her chest. It seemed to be bouncing around in there a lot lately. Her mother had turned to alcohol to numb the pain of lost love, and Dana wondered how effective it actually was. Hers wasn’t a case of lost love, hers was love never found. If there was someone out there for her, she knew she wouldn’t find her by staying home with her fish, and the trips to the gay bar had begun to lose their appeal. Dana plopped down on her couch and grabbed her laptop. Maybe it was time to update her profile on the lesbian dating website.

  She scrolled through the pictures and read profiles as she waited for the tuna casserole. “Here’s a possibility, kids. This one lives in…huh…eastern Australia. I guess she’s out.” The buzzer on her stove interrupted Dana’s searching. The casserole was ready, so she readied herself to talk to her mother.

  Dana called as she rang the buzzer to her mother’s apartment. “I have dinner, Mom.”

  Within a minute, her mother opened the door and waved her into her living room.

  “Thanks. I’m hungry. How’d you do at the fair?” her mother asked as she grabbed the dish and whisked it into the kitchen.

  Dana hid her surprise at her mother’s clearheadedness.

  “It turned out pretty good. I think we made some good connections and the ten percent off coupons were a big hit. Janet brought her standard poodle, Gumby, and he was great. He had crowds of people ogling him.” Dana stopped at the kitchen and took in the room. “Your kitchen looks terrific.” She walked to the empty, stainless steel sink and ran her hand along the sparkling clean edge. Her mother had wiped down the countertop, washed all the dishes, and put them away.

  Dana clearly remembered the last time her mother had taken this much interest in her living conditions. It was a few years ago after she’d convinced her to sign herself into the local addiction clinic. She’d come home and vacuumed, dusted, and scrubbed in an effort to distract herself from drinking. Could her mother be doing that again? Dana didn’t dare hope it would last this time.

  “Yeah. I thought it was time to clean up around here. I don’t know how it got in the state it was, but Richard would have hated it.” Her mother stood in the middle of the room and looked slightly dazed as tears rolled down her pale cheeks. “I miss him,” she barely whispered and turned to flop into one of the chairs at the polished kitchen table.

  Dana hurried to her side and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. She kissed the top of her mother’s head, noticing the fresh scent of her coconut shampoo. “I miss him too, Mom.”

  “He was such a good man. I remember when you were born. He was excited to be starting a family. I’ll never forget his words, ‘This is us, babe. This is who we are together.’ He was so proud and handsome in his navy whites. He held you in his arms like you were made of crystal.”

  Dana couldn’t remember the last time they’d talked about her father. She allowed herself a small spark of hope that this might mean she was getting her mother back, but she spoke cautiously. “I know he loved us both very much, and I know you must miss him terribly. It probably sounds lame, but we’ll always have his memory.”

  “No, honey. It doesn’t sound lame. You’re right; we will always have his memory. It’s just that, that’s all we’ll ever have. I so wish I could have him back.” Lucy rested her elbows on the table, and covered her face as she sobbed into her hands.

  Dana sat in the chair next to her mom and hugged her close as she rested her head against her mother’s trembling shoulder. “I know. It hurts like hell.”

  Chapter Ten

  Dana sat back in her favorite booth and sipped her beer. She wasn’t looking for a hookup or even conversation. She hoped to have an evening away from thoughts of her drunken mother, her dead father, and Maria. Suddenly, her tranquility was shattered by a warm breath on her ear and a hand sliding along the inside of her thigh.

  “I knew you’d make it here tonight for our one-month anniversary.”

  Dana sprang up and spilled her beer in the process.

  “What the hell? Who are you?” As soon as the question was out of her mouth, Dana recognized Leanne. “Leanne? What do you think you’re doing?”

  Dan
a stood and blotted the spilled beer off her jeans with a napkin. She glared at Leanne who was cooing and rubbing her hands over Dana’s wet jeans.

  “We’re meant for each other, baby.”

  “I don’t know how you got this idea. I don’t even know you.”

  Leanne flinched as though Dana had struck her. Her eyes narrowed and she practically spit her response. “You fucked that church bitch, didn’t you? I saw you two together. At that stupid wiener race, at her hair salon, at that holier than thou church, and at the fair last week. You were helping her carry shit. Like she would appreciate someone like you.” Leanne’s expression softened and she began to cry. “Please, baby, I don’t want to lose you.”

  Dana scrambled for an appropriate response. “I’ve got to hit the restroom. You wait here and we’ll talk when I get back. Okay?”

  Dana walked backward away from Leanne, who seemed to be dazed and mumbling about how perfect they were together. She knew the building well enough to know there was a service entrance in the back just past the restrooms. Five minutes later, she was in her car heading home.

  *

  “Do I have a story for you tonight.” Dana sank into her favorite chair. “My Saturday night out sure didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. I didn’t even intend to meet anyone tonight. I just wanted to spend some time with other lesbians.” She watched her fish feed and contemplated what to do. She still had no clear memory of the woman she’d come to think of as the Manhattan woman. Leanne had said it was their one-month anniversary. The timing sounded right. Could Leanne have been that woman? Could she be dangerous? “I don’t know what I’m going to do about this, you guys.” Dana stretched out on her couch and stared at the ceiling as if the answer might materialize. “I’m going to have to call Maria and let her know. Geez. What do I tell her? I picked up a woman at the lesbian bar last month and now she thinks she owns me. That’ll go over big. Oh yeah, and I can’t remember a thing about it other than I drank a Manhattan and apparently we fucked all night. Be careful because I think she may be following you. But don’t worry, not all lesbians are like her.” Great.

  Dana closed her eyes and willed a resolution to pop into her head. It was close to midnight when she rolled off the couch, turned off the fish tank light, and went to bed without a clue as to what to do next.

  *

  “Ready, Mom?” Dana called to her mother as she knocked on the door to her condo.

  “It’s open. Come on in,” her mother called from the kitchen. “Would you like a cup of coffee before we go?”

  Dana looked around the tidy living room, devoid of her mother’s usual clutter. She still didn’t allow herself to believe this would last.

  “I’d love one. Thanks. Can we sit and drink it out on the terrace? It’s a beautiful morning.”

  “Yeah, let’s.”

  “How’re you feeling?” Dana asked as they settled into the swivel rockers

  Dana noticed her mother regard her coffee cup wistfully. She’s struggling.

  “I feel good today, honey. Sad, but physically well. I think this little excursion will be the perfect way to memorialize Richard on the anniversary of his death.” Her mother sipped her coffee.

  “I’m glad you’re coming with me. He loved to watch the freighters, and I enjoyed being there with him.”

  “I know. He loved the water. That’s why he joined the navy. He’d rather be on the water than anywhere else, except maybe the show ring with his spaniels. We had such a wonderful life together, but the one thing I regret is not going with you two more often on Sundays. I don’t know. Maybe I just thought it was a good time for you two to bond. I know he cherished the time he spent with you.”

  Dana looked at her mother’s faraway expression and tried to imagine living a life with someone you loved and then losing him or her to a senseless accident. She couldn’t. Was falling in love worth that pain? Did the lifetime of loving create a cushion for the bottom of the empty hole you fell into when they were gone?

  “I’ll say it again. I’m glad you’re coming with me.” Dana considered the question she needed to ask but wasn’t sure how to phrase. “Are you okay without a drink today? I’d like to spend the day with you being present.”

  She watched the flood of emotions travel across her mother’s face and bunch like storm clouds in her eyes.

  “Yes. I told you I could stop whenever I want to…I…” Her mother dropped her head into her hands and shook her head. “I’ll try, honey. For you, I’ll try.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Let’s go get some Mexican food and watch the ships.”

  *

  Maria needed a distraction. This was the first Sunday church service she’d missed since the weekend she’d moved out of her ex-husband’s house. Until last week, she’d considered it her foundation, her comfort. She’d spent the week praying for guidance and understanding. She’d read and reread every bible passage she could find that seemed to allude to anything about homosexuality. She’d even gone to the library to use the computers to look it up. There’s where she found more information than she’d believed possible. She’d exhausted an hour studying bible verses when she came across references to a Mel White. She spent the rest of the evening reading everything she could find about this incredible gay man of God. Just before the librarian kicked her out, she found an article about a lesbian Presbyterian minister. She wrote down the website for future reference before leaving. Now that she’d had a taste of the world of new information, she wanted more, and she was better prepared to talk to, and get some direction, from her dad.

  She sat at her favorite table by the window and imagined she heard Dana’s melodious voice. She hadn’t noticed Dana and another woman sitting at one of the small tables near the front door when she’d come in through Amigos back entrance, but she turned around to look just as Dana looked up. Dana smiled a greeting and Maria waved, but her intention to go say hello was interrupted by the waitress stopping to take her order. By the time she’d directed her attention back to Dana’s table, they were gathering their bags for carryout. She hadn’t recognized the woman with Dana. She stood as tall as Dana but was much thinner and probably twenty years older. Her auburn hair was darker with a few stands of gray. Maria suspected this might be the mysterious Lucy Langdon, Dana’s mother. Angie had alluded to her being drunk at a dog show, but she certainly seemed steady on her feet now. She turned her attention to the papers lying on her table. She didn’t want them to think she was staring.

  She concentrated on the papers she’d brought with her and tried to push away thoughts of Dana. She needed to organize her notes before her trip to her parents’ in Ohio. She was in the middle of highlighting items when a gentle hand on her shoulder grabbed her attention.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I wanted to introduce you to my mom before we left.”

  Maria tore her concentration away from her notes to gaze into Dana’s tranquil eyes. She shook her head to reset her attention and realized she needed to respond.

  “Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry, I’m a bit distracted; please sit down if you have time.” Maria half stood in greeting but sat back down when she realized her small two-seater table was too close to the window for her to push her chair back.

  “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you. Dana’s told me about you and your dachshund. I’d love to meet Frankie one day. We’re on our way out, so we won’t intrude.”

  The direct, classy, down-to-earth lady with an engaging smile mesmerized her. “You’re not intruding. I was just reviewing some notes for a meeting, but I don’t want to keep you. I’m glad to have met you.”

  “We’re on our way to the park. I’d like to talk to you when you have time,” Dana said.

  “Yes. I’d like to talk. I’m going home to visit my parents for a few days. Can I call you when I get back?”

  “Sounds good. I have something that may or may not be important to tell you. It can wait until you get back though. Have a good trip.” Dana and her
mother walked to the exit in the back of the building as Maria turned to concentrate on her notes. But what she saw instead of the words was Dana’s soft, engaging smile.

  *

  “Maria seems nice and she’s very pretty. Are you two friends, or is she just a client?”

  Dana took a moment to consider her answer as she followed the path of a freighter on the water.

  “I’d like to be her friend, but she’s very religious. I’m not sure she’ll be able to accept that I’m a lesbian.”

  “When she realizes what a wonderful person you are, she’ll accept you.” Her mother surprised her by patting her on the leg and leaning over to kiss her cheek. “This is nice. Thanks for bringing me, honey.”

  Dana watched her mother lean the passenger seat back and noticed how the early autumn sunshine filtering into the SUV made the natural red highlights in her hair stand out. She looked ten years younger with her relaxed smile.

  “I think Richard is here with us today, don’t you?” her mother said.

  “Yeah. I do, Mom. I think he’d love to know that we’re here together remembering him.”

  They enjoyed the view of the river in companionable silence for a few minutes before an idea formed in Dana’s mind.

  “Would you like to stop at Poppy Wright’s kennel on the way home? It’s not out of the way.”

  “That would be nice. I’d love to see his place.”

  “I’ll give him a call.” Dana pulled her cell phone out of the case attached to her belt. “I know he pastors a small church on Sundays, so he may not be home yet.”

  “I didn’t remember that he was a pastor. Do you know how long he’s been doing that?”

  “No, but I know right after Dad died, he asked me if we wanted a special service in Dad’s memory, so I attended his church and it was really nice. He’s a compassionate man. I’ve been to a few of his services since, to try to feel close to Dad.” Dana didn’t mention the discomfort with her visit to Maria’s church.