Edge of Awareness

by C. A. Popovich

  “Hey, Mom. How’d it go with Poppy yesterday? I fell asleep before you got home.”

  “It was very nice, dear. We went to a cool antique store just south of Toledo. It has all kinds of neat stuff. I didn’t buy anything, but Poppy picked up a beautiful oak rolltop desk. He wants to restore it for his office.”

  “Nice. So, it sounds like you had a good time.”

  “Oh, yes. We had fun. We’ll probably go again in a few weeks. If the weather doesn’t get too bad, that is. Poppy’s not happy about driving in snow and neither am I. By the way, he’s invited us to Thanksgiving dinner at his place. His niece isn’t going to be here so he thought he’d invite a few people over to celebrate ‘all we have to be thankful for,’ as he put it.”

  “That sounds nice, Mom. I’ll make a point of going to see him and thanking him next week.”

  “Next week? Are you going to his church next week?”

  “Yeah. I probably will. You wanna go with me?”

  “I’d like that. Thanks.”

  *

  During the lunch hour lull at work, Dana tried Maria’s phone number several times. After continuously getting a busy signal, she finally got her voice mail and left a message. She knew she was busy with her son, but she had told her she’d talk to her about their date. She’d decided to accept the offer and see where it would lead. The worst that could happen was she lost her heart to a woman who decided she was straight. She’d lived through Brandy’s rejection, but Maria wasn’t going anywhere. If she didn’t take a chance, she’d never know what they could have together. Maria might be worth that chance. Dana had no illusions that she could change her, but the feel of Maria’s lips on hers was still so vivid she couldn’t shake the belief that this was more than experimentation for Maria.

  Dana still hadn’t heard back from Maria by the time she got home and was having dinner on her couch. The longer she contemplated accepting the date, the more doubts ate away at her decision. “I don’t know, you guys. Do you think I should just tell her I couldn’t put myself in the position of being dumped for a man? She may not have known what she was asking for when she asked me for a date.” She sighed with the heaviness of the decision. The indifference of her fish floating in the serenity of their world didn’t help. “If she decides she likes women instead of men, does that mean she wants me, or is she going to want to date other women?” Jaylin’s leer flashed before her eyes, and she grumbled.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Maria couldn’t settle down after her trip to Lansing and back. She’d taken Justin to Jaylin’s vet practice, and she’d kindly showed him around. She’d also asked Maria out again, but she’d repeated her request to keep their relationship as only friendly. An evening out to dinner with a friend felt nice. It would be dishonest to Jaylin to suggest anything more. She wanted to date Dana and see where that led.

  She logged on to her computer and practiced what Justin had taught her about maintaining her website. She set up an e-mail account with Yahoo and looked everywhere she could think of for Dana’s piece of paper with her e-mail address. She still hadn’t heard from her and fretted over the possible reasons. Her phone hadn’t rung for two days. Even though she’d cancelled her few clients for the day, she realized how unusual that was. She’d been so busy with her son visiting the veterinary clinic and driving him home that she hadn’t even looked at her phone. She’d charged the battery overnight so that wasn’t an issue, but when she dialed her voice mail number it was full. She didn’t think that was possible with a cell phone. She’d deal with her provider another time. There were nine messages from Angie, two from her divorce attorney, and one from Dana. She listened to that one first.

  “Come on, Frankie. Let’s go for a walk.” She’d intended to sit at her favorite bench, but changed her mind when Frankie rushed through his usual sniffing sites in the chilly afternoon. “Okay, we won’t linger. I’m cold too. It’s four o’clock. Maybe the grooming school will still be open.”

  *

  “Hi, Maria. It’s good to see you again. Frankie isn’t here today is he?”

  “Hi,Lucy. No, I came to see Dana. Is she here?”

  “Yes. She’s just finishing her last dog. I’ll go tell her you’re here.”

  The message Dana had left on Maria’s phone was that she wanted to talk about their date. But she hadn’t really said anything specific, and Maria’d hoped for more. She’d hoped for an enthusiastic yes. When Dana appeared from the back room, her pulse jumped and heat rushed between her legs. She swallowed hard.

  “Hi.” Maria stood unmoving at the end of the counter. She wanted to hug her, to hold her. Instead, she stood rooted in place, hoping Dana would make the next move. The silence quickly became tense.

  “Are you two okay? Go. Go talk.” Lucy pushed Dana toward the swinging door. “I’ll be here if anyone comes in.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Dana gave Maria a small smile before turning to her mother. “I won’t be long.”

  “Can we take a little walk?” Maria asked.

  “Yeah, there’s a coffee shop next door. I have a few minutes. Let’s go.”

  They settled in, neither speaking.

  Maria sipped her coffee, hoping Dana would start. But when it became clear Dana wasn’t going to, she jumped in.

  “I got your voice mail message. I’m sorry I didn’t respond, but I guess my mailbox was full. I didn’t even know that could happen. I’m glad you left a message, though. I’ve been thinking about you. A lot.” She felt that rush of heat again as she thought about the many ways she’d been thinking about her.

  Dana shrugged and Maria cringed at her distance. “I figured you were busy with Justin, but I got a little concerned when I didn’t hear from you today.”

  “Your message was sort of non-committal. Was that intentional?”

  “Yes and no. It’s a hard thing for me to explain. I’m attracted to you, and I feel so much when I’m with you that it scares me. I’ve been searching for someone to love for a long time. Sometimes just sleeping with someone takes the loneliness away for a while. But I’m done with that. I want someone I can trust and share a life with. Someone who treats me like I’m special. I want something real and lasting. I won’t settle for less. And—”

  “You don’t want to be messing around with a straight woman when the right woman comes along.” Maria interrupted. “Have I got that right?” The pleasant flutter in her stomach turned sour. Disappointment and rejection packed her chest, leaving barely enough room to inhale.

  “I…no, I mean, this isn’t coming out the way I wanted it to.”

  “Never mind, Dana. I understand. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. I feel a lot when I’m with you too. Don’t you think I’m scared? I’m scared to death. I’m walking a path I didn’t even know existed. I grew up with the option of finding a good man, getting married, and having babies. That was the only option. Now I’ve discovered a world with other options, and even my parents knew there were other options, but I’ve been clueless this whole time. And I know I’m not even close to understanding everything.” Tears welled up, and she blinked them away. “I’m just letting you know that you’re the reason I’m even considering something so different. So totally new for me. I feel something with you. Something wonderful, something I’ve never felt before. And I believe in love, too, you know. Love between human beings, gay or straight.” Maria stood to leave, and for a second, Dana looked like she wanted to say something, but then just sat there looking at her blankly. “Fine. If you don’t want to take a chance, I’ll survive.” She hurried out of the coffee shop, finally allowing the tears to fall. Maybe she’d been crazy to think she could just walk into Dana’s world. Dana didn’t want her, and why would any other lesbian? She didn’t want any other lesbian, or anyone else. She wanted Dana.

  She went home, crawled into bed, curled up on her side with the covers over her head, and sobbed.

  *

  Dana wrestled with the decision to go to the Rai
nbow Lounge. She wanted to be with Maria, but after their last conversation, she doubted they’d talk again. A heaviness settled in her chest at that thought, but she honestly wasn’t sure what her response would be if they did talk. She’d decided that she would put herself on the line and accept Maria’s offer of a date, but when it came down to it, she’d balked. Maria was coming out of a divorce, she was vulnerable and, probably, lonely. As much as she wanted to be with her, she didn’t want to be anyone’s rebound, especially a woman who’d considered herself straight her whole life. She put on her new black jeans, denim shirt, and grabbed her leather jacket on the way out the door.

  As Dana settled into a chair at the bar, she realized she wouldn’t be able to escape Leanne’s glare. She sipped her beer and waited. Leanne was almost a welcome distraction.

  “Alone?”

  “Yeah, Leanne. I’m alone.”

  “I knew she wasn’t good for you. I’m the one who can make you happy.” Leanne sidled up to Dana and wrapped her arm around her waist. She’s seeing Dr. Jay anyway. You’re mine now for sure.”

  “Leanne, I’m not anybody’s. I’m here to relax. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave me alone.”

  “I know you want me. I know we’re meant for each other. Haven’t you liked the flowers I’ve sent? And my calls to see how your day is going? I’m showing you how much I love you, but you’re being stubborn.”

  “Leanne, we don’t even know each other. I just want to chill and have a beer.”

  “I know Church Bitch has been out with Dr. Jay. I followed them to some fair, and it looked like they were nice and cozy. I’m glad you decided you want me instead of her.”

  “Maria can go out with whomever she wants to. We’re just friends, and I’d appreciate it if you quit calling her the church bitch. How about if you and I just be friends, too? Would that be all right?” Dana squelched the surge of jealousy at the idea of Maria going out with Jaylin. Of course Leanne assumed Dana didn’t know that Maria had gone to Oktoberfest with the doctor, but suddenly Dana wondered if Maria might turn to her now that Dana had balked. Why shouldn’t she find someone else? Dana had clearly rejected her. She inwardly sighed. Coming here had been a bad idea. Being alone at home with her fish would be better than dealing with her stalker.

  “But I know how good we are together. I know you enjoyed our night together as much as I did. Here. I bought you another Manhattan. It’ll put you in the mood, like the last time.”

  “No, thank you, Leanne. I’ll stick to beer.” Vague memories of the last time she’d drunk the whiskey cocktail flashed though Dana’s mind. So she was right, Leanne was the woman who’d bought her the drink before, the Manhattan woman. Dana rarely drank enough to be sick enough to vomit, and it seemed odd that she would have gotten so sick on one drink. Now Leanne offered to buy her another one. Something seemed off.

  “Beer’s not our celebration drink. I still have that bottle of champagne in my car. We can go to our hotel and have a good time.” Leanne pushed her breasts against Dana’s arm.

  Dana moved away, nearly sliding off her bar stool. “I didn’t feel too well after drinking that Manhattan you bought me the first time. Maybe I’m too sensitive to that kind of alcohol.” Dana considered another reason for her stomach upset and memory loss, but that was a severe accusation and she had no way to prove it. “Unless there was something wrong with that drink. Do you think that was possible?” Dana watched Leanne’s response closely. She was fidgeting with the napkin on the bar and she’d shifted her eyes away from Dana’s.

  “You obviously aren’t convinced yet that we should be together.”

  Leanne looked up and Dana knew her suspicions were true. Her sad eyes held confusion, pain, and anger, and Dana’s reflexes went to full alert. This woman had problems, and if Dana was right, and she’d been drugged, she was more dangerous than she’d thought.

  “I’m leaving now. You’ll be sorry. You shouldn’t have rejected me, Dana. I love you.” Leanne turned and rushed out of the bar.

  Dana stayed long enough to finish her beer and settle her nerves. Even though she wished it could be different, she knew her decision about Maria was for the best. The ache in her heart would subside eventually, she hoped. Now she had this crazy woman in love with her and wondered what would happen next. As long as Maria was safe, she could deal with her stalker.

  Chapter Twenty

  Dana stood in her mother’s kitchen on Sunday morning. “You look very nice, Mom. I told you Poppy’s church was casual. Most everyone was in jeans when I was there last.”

  “I know. I don’t dress up much anymore, so I wanted to wear something a little dressier.”

  “You won’t feel out of place. There were some women there in nice dresses and a few men in jackets. You ready to go?”

  They arrived at the church early. She could tell her mom was nervous, so she figured they could go in and settle in a seat before it got crowded.

  “This is a cute little church. Thank you for coming with me. Do you think Poppy’s here yet?”

  “I’m sure he is. He likes to greet everyone when they enter the sanctuary.”

  She watched as the few people who were there greeted Poppy and shook his hand. His eyes lit up when he saw her mom, and it made Dana happy to know that at least her mother had made a real connection.

  “Lucy. I’m so glad you came today. You look lovely. Welcome to my church.” His warm hug elicited a faint blush, and Dana agreed with Poppy. Her mother looked lovely, and sober. “And, Dana. I’m happy that you came back. Maria’s singing the Lord’s Prayer today. The whole choir was buzzing about it at practice this week. She has such a way of touching people with her music. I’m thrilled to have her with us.”

  “Good. I’m glad she’s settling in so well.” It was all Dana could think to say. She’d asked her mother if she wanted to go with her to Poppy’s church before the bottom had dropped out of her relationship with Maria. Now she was torn between just leaving her mother there and picking her up later, or following her heart’s desire. She wanted to see Maria, hear her sing, hold her in her arms. The last part wasn’t to be, but she could handle a one-hour church service for her mother’s sake.

  The choir filed out of the choir room and Dana’s resolve faltered. Maria’s full lips and gentle curves summoned a longing so intense her breath caught. She silently admonished herself for her thoughts. Better to live with the discomfort now than the heartache later. The more she repeated that statement, the harder it was getting to believe it.

  When Maria began singing the prayer, the congregation went completely silent. The timing of it, perfectly placed in the service at the point Poppy finished with his sermon, brought tears to Dana’s eyes. She glanced at her mother and saw her dabbing her eyes too. Several others sitting nearby were blowing their noses. She had a gift, and Dana’s heart swelled with pride.

  They stood and began to merge with the people making their way out of the sanctuary when her mother stopped so suddenly Dana almost ran into her.

  “I want to say hello to Maria. I have to let her know how moved I was by her singing.”

  “Sure, Mom. She’s in the choir room. We can wait until she comes out.”

  Maria still wore her choir robe when she emerged from the choir area. She waved at them as she approached, and Dana was mesmerized by how gracefully she moved.

  “I’m glad I didn’t miss you. I hope you enjoyed the service. Poppy has a superb way of presenting God’s Word.”

  “I agree. Poppy is a wonderful man,” Dana’s mother said. “And you have the most incredible voice, young lady. I was moved by you.”

  “I’m only God’s instrument. He gets all the glory, but I’m grateful I could encourage you.” She turned to Dana. “I’m happy you came today too.”

  Dana couldn’t take her eyes off Maria. She was glowing, and the gold in her robe reflected in her eyes, which seemed to tug on her soul. She was still smitten and realized she always would be. Even if they dated and she
moved on to someone else or back to a man, it wouldn’t change how Dana felt about her.

  “We’re going to Amigos for lunch. Would you like to join us?” Dana realized she hadn’t said a word to her mom about stopping at the restaurant and hoped she wouldn’t mind. Before Maria could answer, Poppy came over.

  “Are you all heading right home? If not, I’d like to invite you to my home for brunch. I’m not a gourmet cook, but I make a mean omelet.” Poppy briefly recognized each of them but fixed his gaze on her mother.

  Dana looked at Maria who seemed to struggle with the decision, so Dana spoke up.

  “How ’bout if we drop you off at Poppy’s and Maria and I go to Amigos? I’m really craving my Mexican food fix.” She didn’t want to offend Poppy by declining his invitation, but it was clear in whom he was most interested. Suddenly, she realized she hadn’t given Maria a chance to say no. She didn’t want her to, but considering their last conversation, this wasn’t fair. “Is that okay?” she asked, directing her question to Maria.

  Maria nodded, but didn’t say anything. Her expression was searching, as though she were trying to read Dana’s mind.

  “Is that all right with you, Poppy?” Dana’s mother asked.

  Dana noticed her mother hadn’t looked away from Poppy the whole time Dana had been talking. Yeah. This would be best. She wanted time alone with Maria, anyway. It sure looked like Poppy and her mother wanted to spend time together too.

  “That would be fine. We all can visit a bit when you come back to pick up your mother. You don’t have to drive her. If you don’t mind riding with me.” Dana worked hard to hide her smirk when Poppy did that chivalry thing again by lifting her mother’s hand to his lips.