MA05 Myth-ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  “I suppose you guys know what you’re doing and I should keep my mouth shut, but I was getting a little worried. I mean, it’s sundown already, and if you’re going to make your move before the execution, it had better be soon.”

  “How do you figure that?” I frowned. “The action isn’t slated until high midnight. I had figured on waiting a while until it was dark and things quieted down around town a little.”

  “Are you kidding?” the vampire said with a start, his eyebrows going up to his hairline. “That’s when ... oh, I get it. You’re still thinking in terms of your off-dimension timetables. You’ve got to ... umm, you might want to be sitting down for this, Skeeve.”

  “Lay it on me,” I said, rubbing my forehead again. “What have I overlooked now? Even without the blindfold and the cigarette I’d just as soon take the bad news standing up.”

  “Well, you’ve got to remember that you’re dealing with a city of vampires here. Sundown is the equivalent of dawn to us. That’s when things start happening, not when they start winding down! That means ...”

  “... that high midnight is a major traffic time and the longer we wait, the more people there will be on the street,” I said, trying to suppress a groan.

  Once the basic oversight had been pointed out, I could do my own extrapolations ... with all their horrible consequences. Trying to fight back my own panic, I turned to my assistants.

  “Okay, troops. We’re on. Guido, grab that rope you saw. We may need it before this is over.”

  The bodyguard’s eyes widened with astonishment. “You mean we’re going to start the caper right now? But Boss! We haven’t planned ...”

  “Hey, Guido,” I said, flashing a grin that was almost sane. “You were the one who said that over-planning was a problem. Well, if you’re right, this should be the most successful jailbreak ever!”

  VILHELM WAS RIGHT about one thing. The streets were nowhere nearly as crowded as they had been the times we navigated their length well after sundown. Only a few stray beings wandered here and there, mostly making deliveries or sweeping down the sidewalks in front of their shops prior to opening. Except for the lack of light, the streets looked just like any town preparing for a day’s business ... that and the red eyes of the citizens.

  We hugged the light as we picked our way across town ...

  That’s right. I said “hugged the light.” I try to only make the same mistake a dozen times. In other dimensions, we would have “hugged the dark” to avoid being noticed or recognized. Here, we “hugged the light.” Don’t laugh. It worked.

  Anyway, as we picked our way through the streets of Blut, most of my attention was taken up with the task of trying to map a good getaway route. Getting Aahz out of jail I would deal with once we got there. Right now I was worried about what we would do once we had him out ... a major assumption, I know, but I had so little optimism that I clung to what there was with all fours.

  The three of us looked enough like vampires in appearance to pass casual inspection. There was no way however, that we could pass off my scaly green partner as a native without a disguise spell, and I wasn’t about to bet on having any magical energy left after springing Aahz. As such, I was constantly craning my neck to peer down side-streets and alleys, hoping to find a little-traveled route by which we could spirit our fugitive colleague out of town without bringing the entire populace down on our necks. By the time we reached our destination, I was pretty sure I could get us back to the Dispatcher’s by the route we were following, and positively sure that if I tried to take us there by the back routes, I would get us totally and helplessly lost.

  “Well, Boss. This is it. Think we can crack it?”

  I don’t think Guido really expected an answer. He was just talking to break the silence that had fallen over us as we stood looking at our target.

  The Municipal Building was an imposing structure, with thick stone walls and a corner tower that stretched up almost out of sight into the darkness. It didn’t look like we could put a dent in it with a cannon ... if we had a cannon, which we didn’t. I was used to the tents of the Bazaar or the rather ramshackle building style of Klah. While I had been gradually getting over being overawed by the construction prevalent here in Blut, this place intimidated me. I’d seen shakier looking mountains!

  “Well, one thing’s for certain,” I began, almost under my breath.

  “What’s that?”

  “Staring at it isn’t going to make it any weaker.” Neither of my assistants laughed at my joke, but then again, neither did I.

  Shaking off a feeling of foreboding, I turned to my staff.

  “All right, Guido. You stay down here and keep watch. Massha? Do you think that belt of yours can lift two? It’s time I went topside and took a good look at this impregnable cell.”

  My apprentice licked her lips nervously and shrugged.

  “I don’t know, Hot Stuff. I warned you that the controls on this thing don’t work right. It could lift us right into orbit for all I know.”

  I patted her shoulder in what I hoped was a reassuring way. “Well, give it a try and we’ll find out.”

  She nodded, wrapped one arm around my chest, and used her other hand to play with the jewels on her belt buckle.

  There was a sparkle of light, but beyond that nothing.

  “Not enough juice,” she mumbled to herself.

  “So turn it up already,” I urged.

  Even if the vampires tended to avoid light, we were lit up like a Christmas tree and bound to attract attention if we stayed at ground level much longer.

  “Cross your fingers,” she said grimly and touched the jewels again.

  The light intensified and we started up fast ... too fast.

  “Careful, Boss!” Guido shouted and grabbed my legs as they went past him.

  That brought our progress to a halt ... well, almost.

  Instead of rocketing up into the night, we were rising slowly, almost imperceptibly.

  “That’s got it, High Roller!” Massha exclaimed, shifting her grip to hang onto me with both arms. “A little more ballast than I had planned on, though.”

  I considered briefly telling Guido to let go, but rejected the thought. If the bodyguard released his grip, we’d doubtless resume our previous speed ... and while a lot of folks at the Bazaar talked about my meteoric rise, I’d just as soon keep the phrase figurative. There was also the minor detail that we were already at a height where it would be dangerous for Guido to try dropping back to the street. There was that, and his death-grip on my legs.

  “Don’t tell me, let me guess,” I called down to him “You’re acrophobic, too?”

  The view of Blut that was unfolding beneath us was truly breathtaking. Truly! My life these days was so cluttered with crisis and dangers that a little thing like looking down on buildings didn’t bother me much, but even I was finding it hard to breathe when confronted up close with sheer walls adorned with stone creatures. Still, until I felt his fingernails biting into my calves, it had never occurred to me that such things might upset a rough-and-tumble guy like Guido.

  “Naw. I got nothin’ against spiders,” he replied nervously. “It’s heights that scare me.”

  I let that one go. I was busy studying the tower which could be viewed much more clearly from this altitude. If anything, it looked stronger than the portion of the building that was below us. One feature captured my attention, though. The top portion of the tower, the part I assumed was Aahz’s cell, was shaped like a large dragon’s head. The window I had been expecting was actually the creature’s mouth, with its teeth serving as bars.

  I should have anticipated something like that, realizing the abundance of stone animals on every other building in town. Still, it came as a bit of a surprise ... but a pleasant surprise. I had been trying to figure a way to get through iron bars, but stone teeth might be a bit
easier. Maybe with Aahz working from the inside and us working from the outside, we could loosen the mortar and ...

  I suddenly realized that in a few moments we would be level with the cell ... and that a few moments after that we’d be past it! Unless something was done, and done fast, to halt our upward progress, we’d only have time for a few quick words with Aahz before parting company permanently. With time running out fast, I cast about for a solution.

  The wall was too far away to grab onto, and there was no way to increase our weight, unless ...

  When Aahz first taught me to fly, he explained the process as “levitation in reverse.” That is, instead of using the mind to lift objects, you push against the ground and lift yourself. Focusing my reservoir of magical energy, I used a small portion to try flying in reverse. Instead of pushing up, I pushed down!

  Okay. So I was desperate. In a crisis, I’ll try anything, however stupid. Fortunately, this stupid idea worked!

  Our upward progress slowed to a halt with me hanging at eyelevel with the cell’s dragon mouth.

  Trying not to show my relief, I raised my voice.

  “Hey, Aahz! When are visiting hours?”

  For a moment there was no response, and I had a sudden fear that we were hanging a hundred feet in the air outside an empty cell. Then my partner’s unmistakable countenance appeared in the window.

  “Skeeve?” he said in a skeptical voice. “Skeeve! What are you doing out there?”

  “Oh, we were just in the neighborhood and thought we’d drop in,” I replied in my best nonchalant voice. “Heard you were in a bit of trouble and thought we’d better get you out before it got serious.”

  “Who’s we?” my partner demanded, then he focused on my assistants. “Oh no! Those two? Where are Tananda and Chumley? C’mon, Skeeve. I need a rescue team and you bring me a circus act!”

  “It’s the best I could do on short notice,” I shot back, slightly annoyed. “Tananda and Chumley aren’t back from their own work yet, but I left a message for them to catch up with us if they could. Of course, I’m not sure how much help they’ll be. In case you’re wondering why I’m being carried by my apprentice instead of flying free, this particular dimension is exceptionally low on force lines to tap in to. If anything, I think I’m pretty lucky that I brought ‘these two’ along instead of ending up with a whole team of for-real magicians who are too proud to use gimmicks. It’s thanks to ‘these two’ that I made it this far at all. Now, do you want our help, or do you want to wait for the next team to float past? I mean, you’re in no rush, are you?”

  “Now don’t get your back up, partner,” Aahz said soothingly. “You caught me a little off-guard is all. So tell me, just how do you figure to get me out of here?”

  That brought me back to earth ... or as close to it as I could get while suspended in midair.

  “Umm ... actually, Aahz, I was kinda hoping you might have a few ideas on the subject. You’re usually pretty good at coming up with plans to get us out of tight spots.”

  “What I want to know,” Guido snarled, turning slightly in the wind, “is how come your partner hasn’t figured a way out of there all by himself, if he’s so all-fired smart?”

  I started to rebuke my bodyguard, but slowly his words sank in. That was a good question! Aahz was strong ... I mean STRONG! By rights he should have been able to rip the stone teeth out of the window all by himself. What was keeping him here?

  “Oh, I’m having so much fun in here I just couldn’t bear to leave,” Aahz barked back. “I’m in here because I can’t get out, that’s why. What’s more, if any of you have any ideas about how to get me out, I think now’s a real good time to share them with the rest of us.”

  “Wait a minute, Aahz,” I said. “Why can’t you get out ... and how did they catch you in the first place?”

  “I was framed,” my partner retorted, but I noticed his voice was a bit more subdued.

  “We already know that,” I pressed. “What I want to know is why you didn’t just bust a few heads and sprint for home? You’ve never been particularly respectful of local authority before.”

  To my surprise, Aahz actually looked embarrassed.

  “I was drugged,” he said in a disgusted tone. “They put something in my drink, and the next thing I knew I had a stake and mallet in my hands and a room full of officials. Whatever it was they used, it kept me groggy all the way through the trial ... I mean I couldn’t walk straight, much less defend myself coherently, and after that I was in here!”

  “The old Mickey Finn trick!” Massha snorted, rocking our entire formation. “I’m surprised someone as off-worldly as you could get caught by such a corny stunt.”

  “Yeah. It surprised me, too!” Aahz admitted. “I mean, that gag is so old, who would really expect anyone to try it at all?”

  “Only if you figured the mark was louder than he was smart,” Guido sneered.

  “Is that so!” my partner snapped, ready to renew their old rivalry. “Well, when I get out of here, you and me can ...”

  “Stop it, you two,” I ordered. “Right now the problem is to get us all out of here before the balloon goes up ... no offense, Massha. Now spill, Aahz. What’s so special about this cell that’s keeping you bottled up?”

  My partner heaved a great sigh.

  “Take another look at it, Skeeve. A close look.”

  I did. It still looked the same to me: a tower room on the shape of a dragon’s head.

  “Yeah. Okay. So?”

  “So remember where we are. This thing was built to hold vampire criminals. You know, beings with superhuman strength that can change into mist?”

  My gaze flew back to the dragon’s head.

  “I don’t get it,” I admitted. “How can any stone cell hold beings like that?”

  “That’s the point.” Aahz winced. “A stone cell can’t! This thing is made of living stone. If whoever’s inside tries to bust out, it swallows them. If they try to turn into mist, it inhales them.”

  “You mean ...”

  “Now you’re getting the picture.”

  He flashed his toothy grin at me despite his obvious depression.

  “The cell is alive!”

  Startled by this revelation, I looked at the tower top cell again. As if it had been waiting for the right cue, the dragon’s head opened its eyes and looked at me.

  TO EVERYONE’S SURPRISE, particularly my own, I didn’t find the revelation about the true nature of Aahz’s confinement at all discouraging. If anything, I was doubly pleased. Not only did I have an immediate idea for how to beat the problem, I had arrived at it before my knowledgeable partner ... well before, as a matter of fact, as he had been pondering his dilemma for days whereas I had only just received the information. Of course, he was probably not in a position to see the easy solution that I could.

  “What are you grinning at?” he demanded. “If there’s anything funny about this, it eludes me completely.”

  Unlike my own amiable self, Aahz tends to show his worry by getting mad. Come to think of it, he tends to express almost any emotion by getting mad. Well, at least he’s consistent.

  “Tell me,” I said, eyeing the dragon’s head, “you say this thing’s alive. How alive is it?”

  “What do you mean, ‘how alive is it’?” Aahz scowled. “It’s alive enough to swallow me if it gets it into its head. That’s alive enough for me.

  “I mean, can it hear and see?”

  “Who cares?” my partner said, in a dazzling display of charm and curiosity that makes him so lovable. “I hadn’t planned on asking it out for a date.”

  I stared thoughtfully at the beast.

  “I was just wondering if it could hear me ... say, if I said that I thought it was the ugliest building decoration I’ve seen here in town.”

  The dragon’s head rewarded me by narrow
ing its eyes into an evil glare.

  “I think it can hear you, Boss,” Guido said, shifting his grip nervously. “It doesn’t look like it liked that last comment.”

  “Oh, swell!” Aahz grumbled. “Tell you what, partner. Why don’t you come in here and sit on this thing’s tongue instead of me before you start getting it all riled up?”

  “I was just checking.” I smiled. “To tell the truth, I think it’s the most incredible thing I’ve seen since I started traveling the dimensions. I just said that other to test its reactions.”

  The dragon stopped glaring, but it still looked a little bit suspicious and wary.

  “Well, find some other reaction to test, okay?” my partner snapped. “For some obscure reason, I’m a little nervous these days, and every time this thing moves its tongue I age a few centuries,”

  I ignored his grumbling and shook one of my legs. “Hey, Guido! Are you still paying attention down there?”

  His grip tightened fiercely.

  “Of course I’m paying attention, you little ... I mean, yeah, Boss. There’s not much else to do while we’re hangin’ here, know what I mean? And quit jerking your leg around ... please?”

  I found his verbal slip rather interesting, but now wasn’t the time to investigate further.

  “Well, listen up,” I said. “Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to let go with one hand and pass the rope up to me ...”

  “No way, Boss! Have you seen how far down it is? I’m not lettin’ go no matter what you ...”

  “... because if you don’t,” I continued as if he hadn’t interrupted, “I’m going to start squirming around until either you lose your grip with both hands or Massha loses her grip on me. Whichever way it goes, you’ll fall. Get my drift? Now for once could you just follow orders without a lot of backtalk? We don’t have much time to pull this off.”

  There was a stricken silence below as Guido absorbed my ultimatum and weighed the possibilities.