MA05 Myth-ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  “Pull what off?” Aahz demanded. “Why doesn’t anybody tell me anything? If this master plan of yours is riding on that sorry excuse for a bodyguard, you might as well give up right now. I’ve told you all along that he was too lily-livered to be any good at ...”

  “Who’s lily-livered?!” Guido shouted. “Look, Big Mouth, as soon as we get you out of there, you and me are going to settle this once and ...”

  “First, we’ve got to get him out, Guido,” I interrupted. “The rope.”

  “Right, Boss. One rope coming up. We’ll see who’s lily-livered. The last person who called me that was my mom, and by the time I got done with her ...”

  Our whole formation began to rock dangerously as he fumbled through his coat one-handed in search of the rope. For a minute, I was afraid he was mad enough to let go with both hands to speed his search.

  “Easy there, Guido,” I cautioned. “We can ...”

  “Here it is, Boss!” he said, flipping the rope up so violently that it almost whacked me in the face. “I hope you can use it to hang the son of a ...”

  “Hanging isn’t enough!” Aahz taunted. “It takes more than a piece of rope to do me in.”

  “Yeah. It takes a little girl with blue eyes and a spiked drink,” my bodyguard sneered back. “If you think I’m going to let you live that one down ...”

  I forced myself to ignore them. While it was tempting to rally to Luanna’s defense, there were other more pressing matters to attend to.

  Moving as carefully as I could, I looped one end of the rope up and around Massha’s waist. It took a couple of tries and a lot more rope than I would have liked, but finally I managed to catch the dangling end and tie it off securely.

  “What’s with the rope, Hot Stuff?” Massha said calmly, the only one of our group who had managed to keep her cool through the entire proceedings.

  “Well, with any luck, in a little while we’re going to be heading down ... with Aahz,” I explained. “Even though I know you’re strong, I don’t think your hands are strong enough to keep a grip on all three of us while we make the trip. This is to be sure we don’t lose anyone after we spring the cell.”

  “Speaking of that,” Aahz called, “I’m still waiting to hear how you’re going to get me out of this thing. You might even say I’m dying to find out.”

  He wasn’t the only one. The dragon’s head was watching my every movement through slitted eyes. I’m not sure how much pride it took in its job, but it was obvious the beast wasn’t getting ready to overwhelm us with its cooperation.

  Everything was as ready as I could make it, so I decided it was time to play my trump card.

  “There’s nothing to it, really,” I told my partner with a smile. “Talk to me.”

  It isn’t often I catch my old mentor totally by surprise ... I get him upset on a fairly regular basis, but total surprise was a real rarity. This was one of those golden times.

  “Say WHAT?” Aahz exclaimed loudly.

  “Trust me, Aahz,” I insisted. “I know what I’m doing. Just talk to me. Tell me a story. How did you first meet Garkin?”

  “Oh, that,” he said, rolling his eyes expressively.

  “Well, we were at the same boring cocktail party, see ... you know, one of those dreary affairs where the crowd has you pinned against the wall and you get stuck talking to whatever the tide washes up against you? Anyway, he was trying to impress some little bit of fluff with his magic, which really wasn’t all that hot in those days ... let me tell you, partner, anytime you start getting depressed with your lack of progress in the magic business, remind me to tell you what your old teacher Garkin was like when we first met. But, as I was saying, out of respect for the craft, I just had to wander over and show them what the real stuff looked like ... not that I had any interest in her myself, mind you ...”

  I felt Guido tugging on my pant leg.

  “Say, Boss,” he complained. “What is this? I thought we were in a hurry.”

  “This is what we needed the time for,” I whispered back.

  “For this?” he grumbled. “But Boss, if we don’t get started ...”

  “We’re started,” I answered. “Now pay attention to what he’s saying.”

  I was afraid our side comments might have distracted Aahz, but I needn’t have worried. As per normal, once my partner got on a verbal roll, he wasn’t that easy to stop.

  “... so there we were, just the three of us, mind you, and remember, our clothes were five floors away at this point ...”

  “What’s going on, Hot Stuff?” Massha hissed from her position above me. “I know you’ve heard this story before. Heck, I’ve heard it four times myself.”

  “Keep your eye on the dragon,” I advised her. “And be ready to act fast.”

  I was going through the motions of reacting to Aahz’s story and fielding the impatient questions of my assistants as best I could, but my real attention was focused on the dragon’s head. My strategy was already working Aahz’s droning account of past glories were starting to take effect.

  The dragon’s eyes were definitely starting to glaze.

  “... of course, after all that, I just had to take her home with me. It was the least I could do for the poor thing under the circumstances.”

  Aahz was winding up his story already! I had to keep him going just a little bit longer.

  “Was that the party where you met Tananda?” I said, deliberately feeding him another cue.

  “Tananda? No. That’s another story completely. I met her when I was sitting in on a cut-throat game of dragon poker over at the Geek’s. We had a real pigeon on the line, the kind of idiot who would bet a busted Corp’s a’ Corp’s into a Unicorn Flush showing, you know? Well, I was a little low on funds just then, so ...”

  Guido was getting restless again.

  “Boss, how much longer are we gonna ...”

  “Not much longer,” I interrupted. “Get hold of the rope. We’re about to move.”

  “... now I was holding Ogres back-to-back ... or was it Elves? No, it was Ogres. I remember because Tananda had Elves wrapped up. Of course, we didn’t know that until the end of the hand. Anyway, as soon as the Geek opened, I bumped him back limit, and Tananda ...”

  That did it. I should have known a hand-by-hand bet-by-bet description of dragon poker would do the trick.

  Without any warning at all, the dragon yawned ... long and wide.

  Aahz broke off his narration, a momentous event in itself, and blinked his surprise.

  “Quick, Aahz! Jump for it!”

  Bewildered as he was, there was nothing wrong with my partner’s reflexes. He was out of the dragon’s mouth in a flash, diving through the air to catch the rope below Guido.

  As soon as his hands closed on our lifeline, several things happened at the same time.

  With the extra weight on Massha’s levitation belt, our whole formation started to sink at an alarming rate ... my apprentice lost her grip on me, giving me minor rope burns as I clutched madly for the rope, almost too late to follow the advice I had been so freely giving to everyone else ... and the dragon closed his mouth.

  I caught one last glimpse of the beast before we sank from sight, and I honestly don’t think he even knew we were gone. His eyelids were at half-mast, and the eyes themselves were out of focus from boredom. Aahz’s stories tended to have that effect on even vaguely intelligent beings. I had simply found a practical application for the phenomenon.

  “I’ve gotta change the controls, Hot Stuff!” Massha called, alerting me once more to our current situation. The ground was rushing up to meet us with frightening speed.

  I remembered the faulty controls that held all of us at their mercy.

  “No! Wait, Massha! Let me try ...”

  Exerting my last ounce of reserve power, I worked at levitating our whole crew. Und
er normal circumstances, I could lift three people easily and four or five in a pinch. Here in Limbo, using everything I had with Massha’s belt assisting me, I barely managed to slow our descent to a moderate crawl.

  “What happened there, partner?” Aahz called. “How did you know that thing was going to yawn?”

  “Call it a lucky guess,” I grunted, still concentrating on keeping us from crashing. “I’ll explain later.”

  “Check the landing zone,” Guido warned.

  I sneaked a peak.

  We had been at our task longer than I thought. The sidewalk below was crowded with vampires strolling here and there as Blut’s legendary nightlife fired up.

  “I don’t think we can bluff our way through this one,” Aahz said calmly. “Any chance you can steer us around the corner into the alley? There doesn’t seem to be as much of a crowd there.”

  Before I could answer, something flashed past us from above with a flutter of leather wings.

  “JAILBREAK!” it screamed, banking around the corner. “Murderer on the loose! JAILBREAK!”

  THE WORDS OF alarm had an interesting effect on the crowd below. After a brief glance to see us descending into their midst, to a man they turned and ran. In a twinkling, the street was empty.

  “What’s going on?” I called to Aahz, unable to believe our good fortune.

  “Beats me!” my partner shouted back. “I guess none of the normal citizenry wants to tangle with an escaped murderer. Better get us down fast before they figure out how badly outnumbered we are.”

  I didn’t have to be told twice. Our escape had just gotten an unexpected blessing, but I wasn’t about to make book on how long it would last. I cut my magical support, and we dropped swiftly toward the pavement.

  “What was that that blew the whistle on us?” Massha said, peering up into the darkness where our mysterious saboteur had disappeared.

  “I think it was that Vic character,” Guido answered from below me. “I got a pretty good look at him when he bolted past me back at the Woof Writers.”

  “Really?” I asked, half to myself, twisting around to look after the departed villain. “That’s one more we owe him.”

  “Later,” Aahz commanded, touching down at last. “Right now we’ve got to get out of here.”

  Guido was beside him in a second. I had to drop a ways, as with the extra weight removed from the rope, we had ceased to sink.

  “C’mon, Massha!” I called. “Cut the power in that thing. It’s not that far to fall.”

  “I’m trying!” she snapped back, fiddling with the belt buckle once more. “The flaming thing’s malfunctioning again!”

  The belt setting had changed. Holding the rope, I could feel that there was no longer an upward pull. Unfortunately, Massha wasn’t sinking, either. Instead, she hovered in mid-air about fifteen feet up.

  “Hey, Boss! We got company!”

  I followed by bodyguard’s gaze. There was a mob forming down the street to our left, and it didn’t look happy. Of course, it was hard to tell for sure, but I had the definite impression that their eyes were glowing redder than normal, which I was unable to convince myself was a good sign.

  “Maasshhhha!” I nagged, my voice rising uncontrollably as I tugged on the rope.

  “It’s jammed!” she whimpered. “Go on, take off, Hot Stuff. No sense in all of us getting caught.”

  “We can’t just leave you here,” I argued.

  “We don’t have time for a debate,” Aahz snarled. “Guido! Get up there ahead of us and keep the street open. We can’t afford to get cut off. Okay, let’s go!”

  With that, he snatched the rope out of my hand and took off running down the street away from the crowd with Guido out front in point position and Massha floating over his head like a gaudy balloon. For once, I didn’t object to him giving orders to my bodyguard. I was too busy sprinting to keep up with the rest of my group.

  If the watching mob was having any trouble deciding what to do, the sight of us fleeing settled it. With a howl, they swarmed down the street in pursuit.

  When I say “with a howl,” I’m not speaking figuratively. As they ran, some of the vampires transformed into large, fierce-looking dogs, others into bats, presumably to gain more speed in the chase. While Aahz and I had been chased by mobs before, this was the first pack of pursuers who literally bayed at our heels. I must say I didn’t care much for the experience.

  “Where are we going, Aahz?” I panted.

  “Away from them!” he called back.

  “I mean, eventually,” I pressed. “We’re heading the wrong way to get back to our hideout.”

  “We can’t hole up until we’ve shaken our fan club,” my partner insisted. “Now shut up and run.”

  I had certain doubts about our ability to elude our pursuers while towing Massha overhead to mark our position, but I followed Aahz’s instructions and pumped the pavement for all I was worth. For one thing, if I pointed out this obvious fact to my partner, he might simply let go of the rope and leave my apprentice to fend for herself. Then again, the option to running was to stand firm and face the mob. All in all, running seemed like a real good idea.

  Guido was surprisingly good at clearing a path for us. I had never really seen my bodyguard in action, but with his constant carping and allergy problems throughout this venture, I was tending to discount his usefulness. Not so. The vampires we encountered in our flight had not heard the alarm and were unprepared for the whirlwind that burst into their midst. Guido never seemed to break stride as he barreled into victim after victim, but whatever he did to them was effective. None of the fallen bodies which marked his progress attempted to interfere with Aahz or I ... heck, they didn’t even move.

  “River ahead, Boss!” he called over his shoulder.

  “What’s that?” I puffed, realizing for the first time how out of shape I had grown during my prosperous stay at the Bazaar.

  “A river!” he repeated. “The street we’re on is going to dead-end into a river in a few blocks. I can see it from here. We’re going to have to change direction or we’ll get pinned against the water.”

  I wondered whether it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to just plunge into the river and put some moving water between us and the vampires, as I seemed to recall a legend that that was one of the things that could stop them. Then it occurred to me that my bodyguard probably couldn’t swim.

  “Head right!” Aahz shouted. “There! Up that alley.”

  Guido darted off on the indicated course with my partner and I pounding along about fifteen paces behind him. We had built up a bit of a lead on our pursuers, though we could still hear their cries and yelps a block or so back, and for the first time I started to have the hope that we might actually elude them. Now that we were out of their line of sight ...

  “Look out ...”

  There was a sudden cry from above, and Massha came crashing to the ground, gaining the dubious distinction of being the first person I’ve ever witnessed doing a belly-flop on dry land. I’m sure the ground didn’t actually shake, but the impact was enough to leave that impression. I experienced a quick flash of guilt, realizing that my first thought was not for the well-being of my apprentice, but rather unbridled relief that she hadn’t landed on one of us.

  “I think the controls just came unstuck,” Aahz said, rather unnecessarily to my thinking.

  “Are you all right, Massha?” I said, crouching over her.

  “Wha—ha ...” came the forced reply.

  “Of course, she’s not all right,” Aahz snapped, assuming translator duties. “At the very least she’s got the wind knocked out of her.”

  Whatever the exact extent of the damages were suffered from her fall, my apprentice wasn’t even trying to rise. I would have liked to give her a few minutes recovery time, but already the sounds of our pursuers were drawing closer.


  “Can you carry her, Aahz?”

  “Not on my best day,” my partner admitted, eyeing Massha’s sizable bulk. “How about you? Have you got enough juice left to levitate her?”

  I shook my head violently.

  “Used it all supervising our aerial maneuvers back at the jail.”

  “Hey, Boss!” Guido hissed, emerging from the shadows behind us. “The alley’s blocked. This is the only way out!”

  And that was that. Even if we got Massha up and moving, all it meant was that we’d have to retrace our steps right back into the teeth of the mob. We had run our race ... and were about to lose it rather spectacularly.

  The others knew it, too.

  “Well, it’s been nice working with you, Guido,” Aahz said with a sigh. “I know I’ve gotten on your case a couple of times, but you’re a good man to have around in a pinch. You did some really nice crowd work getting us this far. Sorry about that last turn call.”

  “No hard feelings,” my bodyguard shrugged. “You gave it your best shot. This alley would have been my choice, too, if I’d been workin’ alone. Boss, I warned you I was a jinx when it came to jailbreaks. I gotta admit, though, for a while there I really thought we were goin’ to pull this one off.”

  “It was a long shot at best.” I grinned. “At least you can’t say that this one suffered from over-planning.”

  Aahz clapped a hand on my shoulder.

  “Well, partner?” he said. “Any thoughts on how to play this one? Do we try to surrender peacefully, or go down swinging?”

  I wasn’t sure the crowd would give us a choice. They were almost at our alley, and they didn’t sound like they cared much for talking.

  “NOT THIS WAY! THEY’RE DOUBLING BACK TOWARD THE JAIL!”

  This unexpected cry came from the street near the mouth of our alley.

  I couldn’t believe it, but apparently the mob did. There were curses and shouted orders, but from their fast-fading manner it was plain that the crowd had turned and was now heading back the way they had come.