MA05 Myth-ing Persons

by Robert Asprin

  “What was that?” Massha managed, her voice returning at last.

  I motioned her to be silent and cocked an eyebrow at Aahz, silently asking the same question.

  He answered with an equally silent shake of the head.

  Neither of us knew for sure what was going on, but we both sensed that the timely intervention was neither accidental nor a mistake. Someone had deliberately pulled the crowd off our backs. Before we celebrated our good fortune, we wanted to know who and why.

  A pair of figures appeared at the mouth of the alley. “You can come out now,” one of them called. “Sorry to interfere, but it looked like so much fun we just had to play, too.”

  I’d know that voice anywhere, even if I didn’t recognize the figure as well as the unmistakable form of her brother.

  “Tananda! Chumley!” I shouted, waving to pinpoint our position. “I was wondering when you’d show up.”

  The sister-brother team of Trollop and Troll hastened to join us. For all their lighthearted banter, I can think of few beings I’d rather have on or at my side when things get tight.

  “Are you all right?” Tananda asked, stopping to help Massha to her feet.

  “Really never had much dignity,” my apprentice responded, “and what little I did have is shot to hell. Except for that I’m fine. I’m starting to see why you Big Leaguers are so down on mechanical magic.”

  Chumley seized my hand and pumped it vigorously.

  “Now don’t be too rough on your little gimmicks, ducks,” he advised. “That little ring you left us was just the ticket we needed to get here in time for the latest in our unbroken string of last-minute rescues. Except for the typical hash you’ve made of your endgame, it looks like you’ve all done rather well without us. We’ve got all present and accounted for, including Aahz, who seems remarkably unscathed after yet one more near-brush with disaster. Seems like all that’s left is a hasty retreat and a slow celebration ... eh, what?”

  “That’s about the size of it,” I agreed. “It’s great having the two of you along to ride shotgun on our exit, though. Speaking of which, can you find the castle from here? I’ve gotten a little turned around ...”

  “Hold it right there!” Aahz broke in. “Before we get too wrapped up in congratulating each other, aren’t there a few minor details being overlooked?”

  The group looked at each other.

  “Like what?” Tananda said at last.

  “Like the fact that I’m still wanted for murder, for one,” my partner glared. “Then again, there are the three fugitives we’re supposed to be bringing back to Deva with us.”

  “Oh, come on, Aahz,” the Trollop chided, poking him playfully in the ribs. “With the reputation you already have, what’s a little thing like a murder warrant?”

  “I didn’t do it,” Aahz insisted. “Not only didn’t I kill this Vic character, nobody did. He’s still around somewhere laughing down his sleeve at all of us. Now while I’ll admit my reputation isn’t exactly spotless, it doesn’t include standing still for a bum rap ... or letting someone get away with making a fool of me!”

  “Of course, saving the money for paying the swindlers’ debts plus the fines involved has nothing to do with it, eh, Aahz?” Chumley said, winking his larger eye.

  “Well ... that, too,” my partner admitted. “Isn’t it nice that we can take care of both unpleasant tasks at the same time?”

  “Maybe we could settle for just catching Vic and let the others go,” I murmured.

  “How’s that again, partner?”

  “Nothing, Aahz,” I said with a sigh. “It’s just that ... nothing. C’mon everybody. If we’re going to go hunting, it’s going to require a bit of planning, and I don’t think we should do it out here in the open.”

  FORTUNATELY, MASSHA’S ELEVATED position during our flight had given her an excellent view of our surroundings, and we were able to find our way back to the Dispatcher’s without being discovered by the aroused populace. Now that our numbers had increased, however, Vilhelm’s greeting was noticeably cooler.

  “I’m starting to believe what everybody says,” the little vampire complained. “Let one demon in, and the next thing you know the neighborhood’s crawling with them. When I decided to talk to you folks instead of blowing the whistle on you, I didn’t figure on turning my office into a meeting place for off-worlders.”

  “C’mon, Vilhelm,” I said, trying to edge my foot into the doorway. “We don’t have any place else to go in town. There aren’t that many of us.”

  “We could always just wait out on the street until the authorities come by,” Aahz suggested. “I don’t imagine it would take much to convince them that this guy has been harboring fugitives.”

  “Can it, Green and Scaly,” Massha ordered, puffing herself up to twice her normal size. “Vilhelm’s been nice to us so far, and I won’t listen to anyone threaten him, even you. Just remember that you’d still be cooling your heels in the slammer if it weren’t for him. Either he helps of his own free will, or we look elsewhere.”

  Aahz gave ground before her righteous indignation. “Are you going to let your apprentice talk to me that way?” he demanded.

  “Only when she’s right.” I shrugged.

  “I say, Aahz,” Chumley intervened. “Could you possibly curb your normally vile manners for a few moments? We don’t really need one more enemy in this dimension, and I, for one, would appreciate the chance to extend my thanks to this gentleman before he throws us out.”

  When he’s working, Chumley goes by the name of Big Crunch and does a Neanderthal that’s the envy of half the barbarians at the Bazaar. On his own time, however, his polished charm has solved a lot of problems for us ... almost as many as Aahz’s bluster has gotten us into.

  “Oh, come on in,” the Dispatcher grumbled. “Enter freely and of your own accord and all that. I never could turn my back on somebody in trouble. Guess that’s why I’ve never traveled the other dimensions myself. They’d eat me alive out there.”

  “Thanks, Vilhelm,” I said, slipping past him into the office before he could change his mind. “You’ll have to forgive my partner. He really isn’t always like this. Being on death row hasn’t done much for his sense of humor.”

  “I guess I’m a little edgy myself,” the vampire admitted. “Strange as it sounds, I’ve been worried about you folks ... and your motor-mouthed friend who’s been keeping me company hasn’t helped things much.”

  I did a quick nose count of our troop.

  “Wait a minute,” I frowned. “Who’s been waiting for us?”

  Now it was Vilhelm’s turn to look surprised.

  “Didn’t one of you send out for a werewolf? He said he was with you.”

  “Aahh! But I am! My friends, they do not know me yet, but I shall be their salvation, no?”

  With that, I was overwhelmed by a shaggy rug. Well, at least that’s what I thought until it came off the floor and threw itself into my arms with the enthusiasm of a puppy ... a very large puppy.

  “What’s that?!” Aahz said, his eyes narrowing dangerously. “Skeeve, can’t I leave you alone for a few days without you picking up every stray in any given dimension?”

  “That,” in this case, was one of the scruffiest-looking werewolves I’d ever seen ... realizing, of course, that until this moment I’d only seen two. He had dark bushy eyebrows (if you’ll believe that on a werewolf) and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on the side. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a handlebar mustache, and what might have been a goatee peered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piecemeal, he was very well-groomed. It’s just when taken in its entirety that he looked scruffy. Maybe it was the leer ...

  “Honest, Aahz,” I protested, trying to untangle myself. “I’ve never seen him before in my life!”

  “Oh, but forgive me,” the beast said, releasin
g me so suddenly I almost fell. “I am so stupeed, I forget to introduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof Writers, they have told me of your pro-blem and I have flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou A. and I am at your service.”

  With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish that if I hadn’t been so flabbergasted I would have applauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they knew of someone who could help.

  “Boss,” Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand, which he was holding over his nose and mouth. “Shall I wait outside?”

  Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.

  “Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No dimension traveler should be without it.”

  She produced a small vial and tossed it to my bodyguard. “Rub some onto your upper lip just below your nose.

  “Gee, thanks,” Guido said, following her instructions. ‘What is it?”

  “It’s a counter-allergenic paste.” She shrugged. “I think it has a garlic base.”

  “WHAT?” my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the vial.

  Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins. “Just kidding.

  Nunzio was worried about you and told us about your allergies ... all of them.”

  Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.

  “Shame on you, little sister,” he said, smiling in spite of himself.

  “After you get done apologizing to Guido, I suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly have him a heart attack with that last little joke.”

  This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melodramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it’s time to play practical jokes on each other.

  “Ummm ... tell me, Mr. A.,” I said, ignoring my other problems and turning to the werewolf. “Do you think you can ...?”

  “No, non,” he interrupted. “Eet is simply Pepe, eh?”

  “Pepe A.,” I repeated dutifully.

  “Zat’s right,” he beamed, apparently delighted with my ability to learn a simple phrase.

  “Now, before we ... how you say, get down to ze business, would you do me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?”

  “Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He’s ...”

  “But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long wished to meet you.”

  If there’s anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad mood, it’s flattery ... and Pepe seemed to be an expert in that category.

  “You’ve heard of me?” he blinked. “I mean ... what exactly have you heard? There have been so many adventures over the years.”

  “Do you not remem-bair Pierre? I was raised from a pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan.”

  “Pierre? You know Pierre?”

  “Do I know him? He is my uncle!”

  “No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that? Pepe here’s Pierre’s nephew. Wait’ll we tell Gus.”

  I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten in the reunion.

  “Say, Skeeve,” Vilhelm said, appearing at my side. “It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out the wine?”

  That got my attention.

  “Wine? You’ve got wine?”

  “Stocked up on it after your last visit,” the vampire admitted with a grin. “Figured it might come in handy the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than watching the tubes.”

  “Well bring it out ... but I get the first glass. Unless you’ve got lots there won’t be much left after my partner there gets his claws on it.”

  I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see Pepe kissing my apprentice’s hand.

  “Do not be afraid, my little flow-air,” he was saying. “Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well as ... how should I say it, its quantity?”

  “You’re kind a cute,” Massha giggled. “But I never did go in much for interspecies dating, if you get my drift.”

  I caught Aahz’s attention and drew him away from the group.

  “Could you take over for a while here, partner?” I said. “I’ve been running nonstop since the start of this thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge my batteries before we fire up again.”

  “No problem,” he nodded, laying a hand on my shoulder. “I figure we won’t be moving before sunup ... and Skeeve? I haven’t had a chance to say it, but thanks for the bail-out.”

  “Don’t mention it,” I grinned weakly. “Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me.”

  “Don’t know,” he retorted. “You’ve never sucker punched me at the beginning of a caper.”

  “Now that I still owe you for.”

  Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz hurried away to rejoin the group.

  I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded corner while the party went into high gear. Pepe seemed to be fitting in well with the rest of the team, if not functioning as a combination jester and spark plug, but somehow I felt a bit distant. Sipping my wine, I stared off into the distance at nothing in particular, letting my thoughts wander.

  “What’s the trouble, handsome?”

  “Hmmm? Oh. Hi, Tananda. Nothing in particular. Just a little tired, that’s all.”

  “Mind if I join you?” she said, dropping to the floor beside me before I could stop her. “So. Are you going to tell me about it? Who is she?”

  I turned my head slowly to look at her directly. “I beg your pardon?”

  She kept her eyes averted, idly running one finger around the rim of her goblet.

  “Look,” she said, “if you don’t want to talk about it, just say so ... it’s really none of my business. Just don’t try to kid me or yourself that there’s nothing bothering you. I’ve known you a long time now, and I can usually tell when there’s something eating you. My best guess right now, if I’m any judge of the phenomenon, is that it’s a girl.”

  Ever since I’d met Tananda, I’d had a crush on her. With her words, though, I suddenly realized how badly I wanted someone to talk to. I mean, to Guido and Massha I was an authority figure, and I wasn’t about to open up to Aahz until I was sure he’d take the problem seriously and not just laugh, and as for Chumley ... how do you talk about woman problems with a troll?

  “Okay. You got me,” I said, looking back into my wine. “It’s a girl.”

  “I thought so,” Tananda smiled. “Where have you been keeping her? Tell me, is she beautiful and sensitive?”

  “All that and more.” I nodded, taking another drink from my goblet. “She’s also on the wrong side.”

  “Woops,” Tananda said, straightening up. “You’d better run that one past me again.”

  I filled her in on my encounters with Luanna. I tried to keep it unbiased and informative, but even I could tell that my tones were less controlled than I would have liked.

  Tananda sat in silence for a few moments after I’d finished, hugging her legs and with her chin propped up on her knees.

  “Well,” she said at last, “from what you say, she’s an accomplice at best. Maybe we can let her go after we get them all rounded up.”

  “Sure.”

  My voice was flat. Both Tananda and I knew that once Aahz got on his high horse there was no telling how merciful or vicious he would be at any given point.

  “Well, there’s always a chance,” she insisted. “Aahz has always had a soft spot where you’re concerned. If you intercede for her and if she’s willing to abandon her partners ...”

  “... and, if a table had wings, we could fly it back to the Bazaar.” I frowned. “No, Tananda. First of all, she won’t give up her partners just because they’re in a crunch. That much I kno
w. Besides, if I put that kind of pressure on her, to choose between me and them, I’d never know for sure if she really wanted me or if she was just trying to save her own skin.”

  Tananda got to her feet.

  “Don’t become so wise that you’re stupid, Skeeve,” she said softly before she left. “Remember, Luanna’s already chosen you twice over her partners. Both times she’s risked her life and their getaway to pass you a warning. Maybe all she needs is what you haven’t yet given her—an invitation for a chance at a new life with a new partner. Don’t be so proud or insecure that you’d throw a genuine admirer to the wolves rather than run the risk of making a mistake. If you did, I don’t think I’d like you much ... and I don’t think you would either.”

  I pondered Tananda’s advice after she’d gone. There was one additional complication I hadn’t had the nerve to mention to her. Whatever Luanna’s feelings for me were, how would they change when she found out I’d used her scarf ... her token of affection, to guide a pack of hunters to their target?

  SO WHERE IS he?” Aahz grumbled for the hundredth time ... in the last five minutes.

  The sun had been up for hours, or at least as up as it seemed to get in this dimension. Since my arrival in Limbo, I had never seen what I am accustomed to thinking of as full sunlight. Whether the constant heavy overcast condition which seemed to prevail during daylight hours was the result of magic or some strange meteorological condition I was never sure, but it did nothing to alleviate the air of gloom that clung to the town of Blut like a shroud.

  The whole team was impatient to get started, but Aahz was the only one who indulged himself in expressing his feelings as often ... or as loudly. Of course, it might have been simply that he was making so much of a fuss that the others were willing to let him provide the noise for all of them rather than letting their own efforts get constantly upstaged.

  “Just take it easy, partner,” I said soothingly, struggling to keep from snapping at him in my own nervous impatience. “There aren’t that many all-day stores in this dimension.”

  “What do you expect, dealing with a bunch of vampires,” he snapped. “I still don’t like this idea. Non-magical disguises seem unnatural somehow.”