Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

We stood in his modest dressing room, and I was glad to see he wasn’t one of those high maintenance rock stars. “Drink?” he asked over his shoulder. “Please,” I responded looking around. Watching him. If only he were ugly, this would be so much easier.

  “I’m not one of your groupies. I didn’t come here to sleep with you,” I blurted out and immediately wished I hadn’t. He handed me my drink, his smile never fading. “Well, that’s good to know. I appreciate you being up front. My dick can stand at ease now knowing he’s going to bed alone tonight,” he joked. “No, seriously I didn’t bring you here to fuck.” I was taken aback by this. Why else would he bring me to his dressing room? He was Elijah Briston, that’s what he did.

  “Why am I here then?” I asked quietly, suddenly feeling like a bitch.

  “I saw you in the audience tonight. You look like someone I used to know,” he began while I sipped my drink, my interest piqued. Is it possible that I knew him before my accident? Possible that we’d loved each other at one point? The electricity that passed between us was palpable. The tension in the room was thick, and I wondered if he could hear my heart beating out of my chest. I found comfort in the fact that he looked just as nervous as I felt.

  “Tell me about her?” I asked but didn’t leave room for him to refuse. It was obvious that whatever nerves he had coursing through his veins were now on a speedway, racing through his body. He ran his hand through his brown hair, and I wished it was my hands touching him. His clear eyes looked troubled. They were full on longing for this girl who he thinks I look like. He sits down across from me, his intense gaze never leaving mine. He licks his lips unconsciously, and I fight the urge to want to taste them. What the hell is wrong with me? He’s heartbroken and confiding in me, a girl he doesn’t know and all I can think about is jumping his bones.

  “Tell me about you, Kendra, why are you here if you’re not a groupie?” He countered without answering my question. I thought refusing to answer but the guilt of wanting to rip his clothes off ate at me, so I answered.

  “I’ve always loved the band. My fiancé encouraged me to do this. Then I am to go back and marry him. Sort of a sewing my wild oats type things,” I explained, telling only half the truth. I couldn’t tell him that I’d been having dreams of him. That I felt a connection to him the first time I saw him in a video, or that I’d worn out several of their CD’s from listening to his voice over and over, no I couldn’t say all that. Not yet.

  “Where are you from?” He asked, the look of despair that passed across his face at the word fiancé was gone, replaced by determination.

  “Florida right now, but my family traveled a lot for my father’s work. I’ve lived all over.”

  “Have you lived in Oregon?” He asked and the desperation in his voice tore through my soul.

  “Not that I remember,” I began before explaining to him I’d had an accident which caused me to forget a specific time in my life. His face paled as though he’d seen a ghost. He set his drink down and stood up, pacing the room. I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to hold him. I never wanted to let him go but I just sat. Waited.

  “Say something,” I said quietly.

  “I can’t, Chinda,” he said and the name did something to me. Sparked something inside me. I didn’t know why but it hurt me when he said the name. It was close to my own name, yet different. One I’d never heard before. One that causes my heart to clinch and my eyes to tear up as my brain spun in a thousand directions. Why? I didn’t know. All I knew for sure was that I had to figure it out.

  We talked a little more about her, making me further question my entire life, or what I believed to be my life. Elijah seemed excited and hopeful while sorrow and longing swirled around making him the most beautiful, pained man I’d ever seen. “So I’ll see you in Vegas?” He asked.

  “Yes, I’ll be there,” I responded standing. I could have stayed with him all night just talking but something told me our time was up. I knew he felt it when he walked me to the door. I could sense his apprehension in letting me leave because I was apprehensive in leaving myself. I stopped at the door and turned to look at him. I wanted to reach up and touch his face. To gently caress his cheek and wipe away the years of pain that he wore so evidently. I didn’t. I kept my hands to my sides as we said a quick goodbye with a promise to meet again soon. I turned and began to walk away, wondering if that was the biggest mistake I’d ever make.

  Chapter Nine

  Frankie and I didn’t talk on the way back to the hotel room. She sensed I wasn’t ready to talk and didn’t even try. I loved her for that. She knew me so well. She knew Kendra so well. What if the person I’d been before my accident was a horrible person? What if I didn’t like the old me? My mind was swimming in confusion. We pulled into our hotel’s parking garage and were getting out of the car when she finally broke our uncomfortable silence.

  “You okay, girl?” she asked carefully. I thought about her question for a second. Was I okay? I didn’t think so.

  “I don’t know, Frankie. I’m confused,” I said honestly as we waited for the elevator.

  “Is he what you expected?” she chose her words carefully and said them with sympathy. I wondered if she wanted him to be what I expected. If he was, and I remembered, would I still marry her brother? How would that change our relationship? The one thing I’d held onto and treasured, other than my son, was Frankie. Becoming her sister in law was the only exciting thing I had about marrying Charlie. He was my friend, and I cared about him but was that enough to marry him? Could I spend my whole life with a man I didn’t love, knowing there was another out there?

  “He’s more than I expected,” I answered honestly because he was. He was perfect.

  We finished the walk to our room in silence and were safe inside before she spoke again.

  “Do you think you could have been a different person before your accident, Ken? Do you think you might have been with him?”

  “I don’t know for sure, Frankie. I mean, I am pulled to him. I feel connected to him which is ridiculous because I don’t even know him. He seems to recognize something in me too. He told me a story of a girl he used to love and apparently she looked just like me. That’s why he brought me backstage, to see if I was her.”

  “What happened to this girl?” She asked carefully knowing the answer before I spoke it.

  “She died in a car accident,” I said carefully. It was surreal and almost unbelievable that I could be that girl.

  “Does he think you are that girl?”

  “I don’t know. He didn’t say but he wants to see me again in Vegas.”

  “Well, shit, Kendra. We need to get you ready for Vegas,” she said with a little too much excitement. As well as she knew me, I knew her better. She was scared. Scared that if I remembered I’d leave the life I’d built, including her. I wasn’t sure I could do that. Regardless of my feelings for Elijah, I did have a life. I had so much to consider.

  “Frankie, look at me,” I ordered lightly as she busied herself digging through her bag. She stopped and looked at me. Her eyes were damp with tears.

  “It doesn’t matter what happens with Elijah, Frankie, you’re still my best friend. That will never change.”

  “I want you to be happy, Kendra, I really do and so does Charlie but this is huge. Really fucking huge.”

  “I know.”

  “Have you considered what your parents are going to say? Why would they go to such great lengths to keep you from him if he is so great?” she asked, and I had to admit she was right. Maybe he wasn’t good for me. I didn’t believe in my heart that was the reason, but I couldn’t afford to be irresponsible.

  “Well, first of all, I’m not sure what’s going on and second, if they created this elaborate lie. But if they did, and I figure it out, well, they will be pissed for sure. Possibly disown me,” I began before sitting on the bed beside her. “I feel in my heart that they didn’t do it to protect me, not in the sense you’re thinking. He’s a good guy,
Frankie.”

  “You just met him, how do you know?”

  “I can’t explain how I know, but I do. You know my parents, Frankie, they care a lot about status and money. Something tells me that Elijah didn’t fit into their life as neatly as Charlie does.”

  “That’s pretty shallow, even for your parents,” she said quietly, knowing that I was probably right but not wanting to admit it.

  “Look, nothing has changed yet so let’s not get ahead of ourselves okay?” She nodded in response and I put my arm around her. “I’m not going anywhere, Frankie,” I said trying to console her. We didn’t talk about it any further that night.

  I woke the next morning anxious. I got dressed and called Charlie. I felt relief wash over me when I heard his voice. It was familiar and comforting.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Charlie, it’s Kendra.”

  “Oh, hi! How’s it going?” He asked with excitement.

  “It’s going,” I respond.

  “Have you had a chance to meet the elusive Elijah Briston?”

  “Yeah, last night actually.”

  “Well, tell me about him,” he urged and I filled him in while he muttered a few mmhmm’s letting me know he was listening. When I stopped to take a breath he took his chance to speak.

  “You know in your heart that you and this rock star had something when you were younger don’t you?”

  “I think so, but could my parents,” I began in protest but he cut me off.

  “I love you, Kendra, but your parents are complete assholes and yes, they could and they would do something as heinous as this. Look, I will do some research about accidents around that time okay? “Where did you say he’s from?”

  “Oregon, around Portland.” I wondered if he would find something.

  “What about you and me, Charlie?”

  “Ahh, you know I love you but…well you know me, Kendra.”

  “Yeah, I know you, Charlie. But I don’t mean us, in that sense, I mean if we don’t marry as expected what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know yet but I do know that you deserve to be happy and I believe he’s your happiness. Don’t worry about me, honey, I’ll be fine.”

  “Thanks, Charlie, I love ya.”

  “Back at ya, honey.”

  “I’ll call again after Vegas,” I said as we hung up.

  “Get your boy, Kendra,” he said just before the line went dead. Charlie always managed to cheer me up. I felt indebted to him. I was his cover so to say. His family would never forgive him if he confessed to them that he was gay. His parents were a lot like mine, judgmental, and all they worried about was money and how they looked to their peers. It was a lifestyle I’d grown used to but didn’t like it and tried very hard to raise Aaron differently. Having Charlie there helped tremendously. I glanced over and saw Frankie still crashed out. I knew she wasn’t only worried about losing me but what would happen to her brother if we don’t marry.

  She was the only person in the world, other than me, that knew Charlie was gay. He and I marrying seemed perfect, he could do his thing with whoever he wanted and I did mine while keeping our families happy. I worried about what would happen with Charlie too. To me, it was selfish to walk away from our arrangement for my own happiness when it would leave him miserable. I shook the thoughts from my head. Regardless of what happens between Elijah and me, I have to figure out the truth if I am ever going to be able to move on.

  I left Frankie sleeping in search for coffee. I walked down the Portland streets and breathed deeply. The air was clean and refreshing. People were friendly, always waving or nodding hello. It was a beautiful city surrounded by hills and bridges and green trees everywhere. I thought I’d like to live there someday.

  I bought a coffee for me and one for Frankie and headed back to the hotel. By the time I arrived she was up and showered, getting ready for the day. “Hey you,” she hollered over the hair dryer with a smile. I was happy to see her smile return. “Hey back. I brought you coffee.” I set the warm cup down on the desk in front of her and began packing my things.

  Frankie turned off the hair dryer and flung her hair back, creating a cascade of jet black curls. She shook her head to loosen the curls then picked up her cup, carefully sipping. “Wow, that’s good coffee.” She closed her eyes as though savoring the flavor.

  “I talked to Charlie this morning,” I told her while she continued to get ready. She wore minimal makeup, she didn’t need it. Her olive skin was flawless, and her large brown eyes were mesmerizing on their own but when she lined them with black coal and coated her long lashes with mascara, they were electrifying.

  “Oh yeah, how is he? Is he still dating what’s his name?” she asked casually. I hadn’t met Charlie’s boyfriend. I didn’t even know his name. Even though I suspected for a long time that Charlie was gay, it was still new to me.

  “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it. He’s looking into car accidents in the area around the time I had mine. I’m going to call him tomorrow to see what he found.”

  “And what if he finds you?” She asked, quietly.

  “Then someone has a shit ton of explaining to do,” I said before going to stand in front of her. “I’m not going to leave either of you, Frankie. I don’t know what will happen in the future but I will never leave you or Charlie. You’ll always have me. He’ll always have me. I just don’t know in what sense, but I’ll always be there. I promise. Now stop doubting me and get your ass in gear. We’re going to Vegas, baby!” I smiled at her and felt a wave of nerves roll off of me. I needed her with me without feeling like I was letting her down.

  She faced the mirror and so did I, both checking our faces. I glanced back and forth between us. We were complete opposites of one another. She stood a good five inches taller than me and was built like an athlete. Her raven curls contrasted with my own straight, honey blond hair. Her olive skin deepened next to my pale complexion. Her dark eyes were intense while my flat green eyes looked a little sad.

  “We are fucking hot, Ken,” she said smiling. I laughed at her before moving away from the mirror.

  “Come on, we have a plane to catch.”

  We left the hotel in Portland. It shouldn’t have been emotional for me, but it was. Why did I feel like I was leaving a piece of me in that city?

  Chapter Ten

  We landed in Vegas just as the sun was setting, and it created a beautiful glow on the city of lights. I’d been there a few times with Charlie and always found myself fascinated. The architecture, the lights, the people, they were all overwhelming yet I craved more. We got off the plane and made our way through the maze that was Las Vegas airport. We paid for a limo to take us to the hotel and once we checked in we went out to enjoy the strip.

  I’m not much a gambler, but I fed the machines a little bit of money, which they ate without reward. We sat and people watched while laughing at some of the crazy things people did in that town. It was as though people lost every ounce of self-pride and common sense when they came to the city. They stumbled around drunk and laughing. Frankie and I picked out couples and made up stories as to how they met.

  “Those two over there,” Frankie said, pointing.

  “The tall, dark and handsome man with the blond with fake boobs?” I asked, clarifying. She shook her head yes, indicating I was up. I thought for a minute.

  “Okay, well, at first glance one might think she’s a call girl with all that makeup and implants,” I began and Frankie nodded in agreement while sipping her margarita slushy. “Go on.”

  “Well, they are holding hands and acting all lovey dovey. I’m guessing that you don’t behave like that with a call girl. Look at them. They’re clearly into each other yet comfortable. She’s not his wife though, neither have a ring, but I bet he’s married.”