Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  “Okay, I’m following. Break it down for me.”

  “Well, he’s in finance in Italy where he has a wife and children. His wife is lovely in her own right and fills her wifely roll nicely, but they no longer sleep together, and she knows about Miss Big Tits, yet she doesn’t care. He takes care of her financially and that’s all she needs. Now, Miss Big Tits has been his mistress for a long time and is much younger than his wife. She thinks she’s in love with him and that he’s in love with her. She believes that he’ll leave his wife and kids, but she’s just another piece of ass. He’ll never leave his wife because despite it all, he has a deep love and respect for her. Eventually, he’ll leave her bitter and heartbroken. Your turn. Them, over there?” I said pointing.

  Just down the road stood an elderly couple. They held hands as they walked and smiled lazily. I waited while Frankie sipped her drink. “Okay. My first thought is to say they’ve been married fifty years, but I’m going to go in a different direction. He lost his wife and she’s a divorcée. She’s been alone for years unable to trust after her husband left her for his secretary. They were friends when they were young and reconnected. They’ve been together less than a year but they’ll be married here in Vegas.”

  “Mhmm, interesting,” I said before sucking the last of my adult slushy. “Well, I’m dry and beat. I think I’m going to head back to the room. What about you?”

  “Nah, I think I’m going to blow some of daddy’s money,” she said with a devilish smile. We stood up and hugged before I left her to her own devices and made my way back to our room where I had a message from Charlie. “Hey, Kendra, call me back as soon as you get this. I don’t care what time it is.” I picked up the phone and dialed my home number. It only rang once when I heard his familiar voice, “Kendra?” His voice sounded strained and frantic. I felt my heart fall into my stomach and in the few seconds my mind spun in a million directions.

  “Yeah, it’s me, Charlie. Is everything okay?”

  “I found something, Kendra. It’s big,” he told me, and I could tell he was about to confirm my worst fear. My life was a lie, and it was thanks to my parents. I sucked in a deep breath of air to steady my nerves. “Tell me please.”

  “In Oregon, ten years ago there was a car accident,” he said and I could hear him inhale air of his own before he began reading to me.

  “Prom night, Elijah Briston and Chinda Miller were hit by a drunk driver on Skyline Road. The drunk driver was an eighteen year old student on his way home from prom. He passed away on the way to the hospital. Chinda Miller, 18, passed away several hours later from brain injuries. Elijah Briston is listed in critical condition, no word on his injuries. Then the story goes into why you shouldn’t drink and drive.”

  “Is there a picture of the girl?” I asked although I didn’t need a photo to prove anything. I was Chinda Miller, I knew without a doubt and Elijah was my son’s father. “Yes, Kendra. It’s you and Elijah. Jesus darling, you look so happy with him. So young and in love. I can’t believe your parents would do something so despicable. Kendra, what are you going to do?” I sat on the bed, listening to my fiancé confirm that my life was a lie. What was I going to do? I had no fucking idea. I could run to Elijah, tell him I know. Then what? Fall back in love with him? Get back together? Leave my life? Move my son? What would my parents do? A million thoughts ran through my head yet I couldn’t form an answer.

  “I don’t know, Charlie,” was all I managed to mutter.

  “You know I’m here for you, doll. Let me know if you need anything okay?”

  “Okay, Charlie. How’s Aaron?”

  “He called from camp today. He’s good. Misses you terribly but he’s good. I gotta go. Mr. Henry is coming over tonight,” he said with a giggle. I couldn’t help but giggle back.

  “Is Mr. Henry my competition?” I asked playfully trying to lighten the mood.

  “Nobody can compete with you, Kendra. I love you, doll. Go get your past back. I’ll be right here.”

  What would happen to Charlie if I didn’t go through with the marriage? His parents would surely find out that he’s gay and where would that leave him? Nowhere! Could I do that to him? He’d been so good to me for so long.

  “Okay, have a good night, Charlie, and thank you so much.”

  “Anything for you, darling. Love you.”

  “I love you too. Goodnight.” Just as we hung up Frankie came in looking a little tipsy.

  “Hey, you, win big?”

  “Nah, not really. I mainly sat long enough to get a few stiff drinks. You know, enough to make my head fuzzy,” she said smiling. “Any word from my brother?” she asked. I told her everything he’d told me and she asked the same question he did, what was I going to do? “I don’t know,” was my response for a second time.

  “You know Charlie and I will back you no matter what you choose, Kendra. You parents can kiss our ass,” she said in defiance. I loved her for it. She was strong willed and loyal to a fault.

  “What about your parents, Frankie? What will happen to Charlie if I don’t marry him?” I saw the darkness flash across her face. Her brother was her weak spot. She’d always protected him. She always would. She was the only one in their family that accepted that he was gay. The rest ignored it. Pretended it wasn’t true. Arranged a marriage to hide what was right in front of them. She knew me not marrying Charlie would create a shit storm.

  “You know, Kendra, it doesn’t matter what my parents do. We are all grown adults and have to stop worrying about what our fucking rich, narcissistic, hypocritical, lying ass parents are going to think or do. You can’t marry my brother out of obligation.” I was eternally grateful for her support.

  “I appreciate that, Frankie. We’ll see how it plays out. I’m going to make a phone call.”

  “Are you calling him,” she asked, adding emphasis him. I shot her a smile before I picked up the phone and dialed him. After a brief conversation I realized he had a show that night and thought I missed it. I explained that our tickets were for the next day show and could have sworn I heard him let out a sigh of relief. We agreed to meet by Madame Tussauds. I brushed my hair and checked myself in the mirror. I had no makeup on and thought about putting some on really quick but decided against it. I was comfortable without it and hoped Elijah wouldn’t mind.

  I was heading out the door while Frankie crawled into bed. “Night, Kendra. It will all work out. I love you, girl.”

  “Love ya too, Frankie,” I called over my shoulder as I walked out the door. I made my way to our meeting point and waited. After a few minutes, I turned to see him walking toward me. He was gorgeous. When he was performing he was a force and sexy as all hell but the man walking in front of me was just plain beautiful. His hair hung loose to his shoulders, and his blue eyes sparkled. When he smiled at me, I felt a stir in regions that had been long dormant.

  “Hi,” he said, his voice making my stomach flutter.

  “Hi,” I replied somewhat shyly. I kicked myself internally and ordered myself to find confidence. We walked for a while and chatted casually. A few times I had to remind myself to listen. I got so lost in him that at times I wasn’t sure what he said. We brought up Chinda. I’m not sure who did first, but I could see the love and longing he felt for her and wondered how someone could continue loving someone for so long.

  At times, hearing him talk about her and seeing love in his eyes, I wanted to tell him he was right. I was her, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I had so much to figure out on my own before we opened his old wounds. I still planned to marry Charlie. Regardless of what he and Frankie said, I knew his future depended on me, and I couldn’t let him down. I didn’t know how to sort it all out. I had these feeling for Elijah that I couldn’t explain. Yes, I’d loved him at one time, but I didn’t remember that love. I didn’t remember him yet I felt it.

  “Would you go to dinner with me tomorrow after the show?” He asked sweetly.

  “I’d love too.”

  We chatted a lit
tle more before going our separate ways, promising to see each other the next day. I walked back to my room even more confused than I had been. I wondered how my life became such a mess. My parents were lying assholes. My gay fiancé was counting on me to marry him to be his cover, and I just met my son’s father whom I was madly in love with, but I didn’t know how that was possible.

  I made it to my room where Frankie was sleeping soundly and fell into bed willing my brain to shut off. After tossing and turning I fell into a dreamless sleep.

  I slept in the next morning, only waking to the sound of the door and coffee. “Thank God you brought coffee,” I said sleepily.

  “Get your ass up, girlfriend. You have some remembering to do today. Come on!” She said excitedly.

  I drug myself out of bed and reached for the coffee. I took a slow slip and relished in the warmth and bitterness that flooded through my mouth. I felt the caffeine course through my veins, waking my body up one cell at a time. Once I’d sufficiently drugged my body with the fabulous caffeine, I took a shower and started getting ready.

  Frankie and I stood in front of the mirror, both of us in our bra and panties painting our faces before blow drying our hair until it was sufficiently large and poufy. We gave each other an appreciatory look before opening our suitcases.

  “What are you going to wear?” She asked me, holding up a little dress.

  “I don’t know yet,” I responded going through my small wardrobe. I finally decided on jeans and a form fitting shirt while Frankie went with her signature short, tight dress.

  “Ready?”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “Ready.”

  The rest of my time in Vegas was spent with Elijah. He was all I imagined and more. For a rock star he was incredibly down to earth. He made me laugh and tingle all over with nothing more than a gentle touch. He was adventurous, and most of all he was loving. He wasn’t sure if I was his Chinda, but he looked at me with love. I felt safe with him. Wanted. Loved. I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d ever felt those things. Probably because the only time I had was with him.

  On our last night together, he took me to his room. I didn’t intend on making love but when he looked at me, a fire inside was lit. When he touched me the fire spread to every surface of my body. He was slow, careful and gentle. We laid together. His arms wrapped around me and for the first time in my life everything felt right. He fell asleep, his face in my hair, his arms holding my waist. I turned to face him and studied his face. His eyes were lined with thick eyelashes, and his cheekbones were strong. His lips were full and even in sleep they curved into a smile.

  My heart broke looking at him. I ran my hand through his hair then down his sculpted chest. I knew I had to leave him. I had to get my life back and in order to do that I had to leave him. I needed to confront my parents. I needed to see Charlie and figure out what we were going to do because after being with Elijah, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without him again. It was selfish of me but the intense pull and love I had for him was overwhelming, not to mention Aaron. Elijah was his father and he had every right to know his son, as Aaron had every right to know his father.

  I crawled out of bed. I quickly wrote a note to Elijah before leaving him there, sleeping peacefully. I nearly ran back to my room. “Frankie, get up. We’re going home,” I yelled as I came through the door. She stirred and groaned, but I pulled the blankets off of her. “Get up, Frankie! It’s time to go.”

  “What the hell, Kendra? What time is it?” She was angry and sleepy.

  “Five A.M., let’s go. I need to get home. I need to figure shit out. Come on!”

  “What’s going on, Kendra? Why the rush?”

  “I just spent the night with him. All fucking night with Elijah and I might not remember him or us but I love him and I need him, Frankie. I have to sort things out so I can get my life back. Now, come on.” I was throwing my things into my suitcase. She finally got out of bed and began packing too. Ten minutes later our things were packed and we were leaving the hotel. Once we were in the air, flying towards Florida, I called my parents.

  “Hello,” I heard my father’s voice. It was deep, rich and intimidating even when he spoke a simple hello.

  “Dad, it’s me. We need to talk. I need you and mom to come home.”

  “Is everything okay, Kendra?”

  “No, everything’s not okay, but I don’t want to talk about this on the phone. How soon can you be in Florida?”

  “We can be home in a week, cut the trip short. Where are you?” My father’s tone was accusing. I wondered if they knew about me following Briston around. I couldn’t imagine how he would know, Charlie would have never told them. My father is very resourceful and overbearing when it comes to me.

  “It doesn’t matter where I am. I need to speak to you and mother as soon as possible. Be at my house Monday at 7:00 P.M.,” I said not giving him a chance to respond before I hung up. I’d never spoken in that tone to my parents before. Even at almost thirty years old I respected them out of fear. I loved them and always appreciated them but there was always a level of fear when it came to my father. That’s what made him a good businessman but a hard man to have as your father.

  The flight went by fast and quiet. Frankie slept most of the time, and I just thought. I went through the scenarios hundreds of times during the flight but nothing prepared me for their actual response. Once I got home I explained everything to Charlie, who understood. I promised to stand by him when the time came for him to come out to his parents, and he promised to stand by me when I confronted mine. A week later my parents were at my door at 7:00 P.M. sharp as I expected they would. Punctuality was very important to my mother. Punctuality, perfectly coifed hair, and expertly applied makeup to accent her designer clothes. Tonight was no exception.

  “Dad, Mom, please come in.” I lead them to the study without another word. No greeting, no hugs, and no I missed you’s. I didn’t have it in me. It took all I had not to scream at them. Not to slap them. Charlie waited for us in the study with a drink in hand, trying his best to look manly. My parents, his parents, they were all idiots to think Charlie was straight. Even when he tried to hide his sexuality it was there, always there and visible. That was another thing that pissed me off. Why couldn’t he be accepted and loved for who he was? My heart began to race. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

  “What’s all this about?” My father said, attempting to take control of the situation.

  “Have a seat, Dad,” I replied dryly and made myself a drink. I felt the warm liquor course through my veins and felt a little more relaxed.

  “I have something to ask you and I need you to be honest with me okay?”

  “Okay,” was his only response. My mother sat quietly, having yet to speak a word.

  “Before my accident was I in love with a boy named Elijah Briston?” I asked quickly. To my surprise my father simply said, “Yes.” He didn’t deny anything.

  “Did you approve of my relationship with him?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “He’s trash and you’re not. Trash doesn’t mix with the Miller blood, Kendra.” He was so smug. So matter-of-fact. I balled my fists at my sides trying to control the urge to hit something or someone.

  “Okay, after my accident did you lie to him and tell him I’d died?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Is my real name Chinda?”

  “It is. We chose Kendra to try to keep it close to your birth name.” I took a few deep breaths before asking the one question I already knew the answer to but needed to hear him say it.

  “Is Elijah Briston Aaron’s father?”

  “He provided the sperm, yes, but he’s not a father.” He was still so sure. So unapologetic. I saw red and felt a fury I’d never felt before.

  “How could you do such a horrible thing? How dare you step in and control my life like that,” I screamed and felt Charlie at my side. My father stood up and stood toe
to toe with me.