Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  “We will regret this in the morning,” I said, breaking the kiss.

  “Yeah, we will so let’s make it worth regretting.” She crushed my mouth with hers, her hips moved gently into my lap. I was sure she could feel the hard on under my jeans. I allowed my hands to snake up her shirt, feeling her soft skin. She lifted her arms up allowing me to pull it over her head. Her tits were right there, mouth level, begging me to taste them.

  She unclasped her bra and let it fall to the floor with her shirt. Her tits were full and round, and her nipples were standing at attention. Beautiful. My hands cupped her ass, pinning her to me while I took her breasts in my mouth. I sucked and teased her nipples between kissing and licking the skin around them. “Your tits are fucking perfect.” She wrapped her hand in my hair, holding my head to her chest. I let go of her ass and took one breast in my hand, massaging and kneading it while my mouth devoured her other one. I traded sides, twisting and pinching one while sucking and licking the other. Her head was thrown back, and her hips were dry humping my crotch.

  “Holy shit, Elijah, you’re making me cum and my pants aren’t even off.” She was breathing heavily, her hips moving faster, harder. My mouth continued its feast on her beautiful breasts as I felt her body stiffen then quiver as she came in her jeans. The second the orgasm left her body, she was undressing me, almost frantically. I undid the button of her jeans, and we pushed our pants to the floor. When we were both naked, she took my mouth in hers again and my hands went crazy touching her bare skin.

  I picked her up and pushed her to the wall for leverage. “You sure you want to go this far with me?” I asked one more time. “I won’t be able to stop once I’m inside you.”

  “Stop talking, Elijah, and fuck me!” She kissed me hard just as I buried myself inside her. She gripped my shoulders tightly while I took her body as my own. I looked at her face, twisted in ecstasy, sexy as all hell. I slowed my thrusts, allowing me to feel every inch of her warm pussy. “You feel amazing, Holly,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I want to feel you cum again, all around my cock. I want to feel your tight pussy quiver around me.” I began moving faster again. Her legs were wrapped tightly around my waist, her back to the wall. I held her ass with one hand while the other snuck around to play with her clit. The second my finger touched that sensitive spot, she screamed with pleasure. “You like that, Holly? Feels good huh?”

  “Oh, Elijah, oh fuck!” she panted before letting out a high pitched squeal. “There it is. I feel that pussy quivering. Let it out.”

  “Fuck, your cock feels good. Cum for me now, Elijah,” she whispered just as I exploded inside her. I felt her body tighten before falling limp under my hold. She unwrapped her legs from my waist and slid back down the floor. We stood facing each other, breathing heavily, and a wave of guilt washed over me punching me in the balls. What have I done?

  “Please tell me you’re on the pill,” I said abruptly, realizing we didn’t use protection. I never forgot to cover my shit. Dammit. What the fuck was I thinking? Holly was still pinned between the wall and me.

  “Of course I am,” she said assuring. “And I’m clean.” Her eyes met mine, and I saw pure honesty there. I shouldn’t trust this girl so much but I do. I can only hope that it’s not the dumbest decision I’ve ever made.

  “I’m clean too. I was tested a few months ago and have never, not used a rubber. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I backed away from her and pulled up my pants. She stood there, naked and unashamed.

  “I know you didn’t, Elijah, but I did so don’t be sorry. You needed me and honestly I needed that from you. Just two strangers, with a strange chemistry, fucking. No big deal. But, for the record, I don’t do this kind of hook up.” She walked away toward the bathroom. I finished dressing and waited on the couch for her. When she returned I could see she’d been crying. Her green eyes were lined in red and puffy.

  “Are you okay?” I stood and went to her. She looked at me, smiling. “Not really, but I will be. Go sit while I pour us a drink okay?” I didn’t want to push her so I did as she asked. A few minutes later she returned and sat opposite of me on the couch.

  “Tell me about yourself, Holly.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Anything. Start with your family maybe.”

  She took a drink and seemed to be thinking for a minute. She smiled before setting her feet in my lap, making herself comfortable. I was comfortable with her. She was easy to like. Easy to talk to. Her open happiness was almost contagious and she was beautiful. If it had been another time I could have easily fallen for her. We could have had one of those love at first sight stories, but my heart was unavailable and something told me hers was too. Without thinking, I began rubbing her feet as she began telling me about her life.

  “Well, I was born and raised in Oregon,” she began.

  “No shit? Me too. Where are you from?

  “Portland area. We actually went to school together, Elijah. I know you. I had the biggest crush on you back then.”

  “Are you serious? What’s your last name?” I asked her in disbelief.

  “My maiden name was Johnson,” she said and realization hit me.

  “Holy shit, you’re Steve Johnson’s little sister? I remember you now. Wow, Holly, this is crazy.” I couldn’t believe I’d just screwed Steve’s little sister. Well, she wasn’t so little any more but still, small world. Steve was one of my best friends in high school. We’d lost contact after Chinda died. I had successfully pushed everyone away from me, except Elsie. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. Sure, it’s two grown adults having consensual sex but shit she’s my old buddy’s sister.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know. I wanted to be a little crazy and spontaneous I guess. I needed that connection, and I could tell you did too.” She was so sure of herself when she said it. Very matter of fact. I was glad she didn’t tell me because she was right, I needed that and probably wouldn’t have done it if I had known who she was.

  “How is Steve?” I asked eagerly suddenly wanting to reconnect with the youth I’d tried so hard to forget after losing Chinda.

  “He’s good. He still lives in Oregon and is married with a two little ones, Max and Lacey. They’re super cute and love their auntie.” She smiled warmly at the thought of her family.

  “What brought you to New Orleans?” Her feet were still in my hands, they only stopped massaging to take sips of my drink.

  “My husband,” she said casually causing me to nearly choke on the drink I’d just poured into my mouth.

  “Husband?” She giggled a little before a shadow crossed her face and her relaxed features suddenly looked weary. She didn’t move though, she stayed laid back with her feet in my lap.

  “He died last year. Car accident. He was artsy, a dreamer I guess. He loved to write and take photos and was damned good at it. We came here for him, inspiration he said. NOLA has so much history and different tales you know? Vampires, ghosts, everything. It all lives in New Orleans. I thought hey, why not? So we packed up and left Oregon.”

  “I’m really sorry, Holly.”

  “Don’t be. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I loved him. Cooper. He was a fantastic man, smart, handsome, funny and loving. We had a good marriage and good time together. I want to remember it like that. Happy. That’s why I stay though. It makes me feel closer to him. He was such a joyous person. We painted this house together you know? These bright and crazy colors were meant to always remind us to see the good and difference in everything and everyone. Live in the moment. Be happy. So I chose to honor his memory by being happy because that’s what he’d want. I do see my family frequently though. I either fly there or he comes here a few times a year.” She shrugged as though it wasn’t a big deal.

  I couldn’t help but admire this woman. Her husband dies and instead of shutting down she lives, freely and happily. I wished I could feel that kind of freedom. Freedom from pain, gu
ilt, loneliness and smothering grief. My emotions left me broken all those years ago, now I felt broken and crippled.

  “You’re amazing you know that?” This woman suddenly became my hero. The poster girl for finding happiness in the midst of shit.

  “How so?” She asked, setting her glass on the table and crossing her arms over her breasts.

  “You’re ability to see good in situations is impressive, to start. Most people in your situation, dealing with loss, would wallow in sadness and depression, myself included. Not you though, you stood up and chose to be happy. I admire that. I wish I could do that,” I said honestly.

  “You can if you want to, Elijah. It’s not as hard as it sounds and surely not as hard as you make it out to be.”

  “Oh no, for me it’s the crushing loss that I feel all the time. When I lost Chinda, I was young and took it harder than maybe I would have had I had the experience of being an adult, but she’s gone again, and I still feel this immense hole in my chest. I don’t know how not to feel that. I don’t know if I don’t want to not feel it. Having it there reminds me that I still love her.” I felt my eyes moisten and threaten to spill tears. I forced a small sob back down my throat. Holly sat up until her face was inches from mine.

  “I know you love her, and my guess is she loves you too. She just needs time, Elijah. Everyone deals with death differently. She probably just needs time to process it. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling but I’m thinking she’s got some survivors guilt. She’s blaming herself right now but give her time. She’ll come back to you.”

  “I don’t think so. Not this time. Besides, she took my son without giving me a chance to meet him so I’m not only hurt and lonely for her, I’m fucking pissed. I’m all mixed up.”

  “Don’t waste your time being mad, Elijah Briston, it solves nothing. You focus on finding happiness because if she does come back it will never work out if you can’t find happiness on your own.” Her words rang true, and she said them with such conviction.

  “Want to hear a secret?” She said quietly as though someone may be listening.

  “What’s that?”

  “You have to promise not to tell anyone.”

  “Who would I tell?”

  “Anyone, promise right now.” She sat back and held her hand out for me to shake. I took it in my own and promised to keep her secret.

  “I’m dying,” she whispered. She was looking at me closely, her green eyes misty but her lips were curved into a smile. She was waiting for my response. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I was stunned silent.

  “I have cancer. They gave me the option of chemo, but it will only prolong my life by a few months, so I chose not to live the last months of my life sick as a dog. I have about three months. With the exception of today, today was a good day, I am starting to feel the cancer take over. I don’t have long but in the time that I do have, I want to help you find your happiness. Not happiness that relies on Chinda or the band or your sister but happiness that comes from you. Okay?”

  “I don’t know what to say. I mean, we just met, and I’ve already made love to you, and now you’re confessing that you’re dying but want to fix me first? It’s unbelievable.” I sat back, running my hands over my face and through my hair. I wondered briefly if this was really happening. Could it be real? How did I end up here? It was only weeks ago that I was fucking groupies and getting stoned. I was okay walking through my shitty life as a zombie, I didn’t feel. Then Chinda shows up and rocks my world just before leaving me again, which led me here, with Holly, and she’s dying.

  “Why fix me? You don’t even know me.”

  “I saw something in you back at the airport. I felt a connection. I played the flirty girl to see what you would do and felt a huge relief when you blew me off,” she pauses to laugh and sip her drink. She really was a beautiful woman. She reminded me of snow white with her face framing jet black hair and wide green eyes. Her skin was pale for the color of her hair and her lips were full and painted red. The lipstick was the only makeup she wore, she didn’t need makeup. A natural beauty with a heart of gold that radiated from inside her.

  “What if I’d been the douche bag I’d been before and took you in the backroom to screw?” I asked, only halfway teasing. I really was curious what she would have done.

  “Ha! You think you’d get in my pants just like that? A pretty face and a wink maybe? I’d have told you to go fuck yourself in the backroom then I’d still have brought you here and broke through your walls, then we would have still screwed, and we’d still be sitting here. The conversation might be a little different, but we’d be in the same place.” She smiled at me, and my heart broke for her.

  “You’re very sure of yourself aren’t you?” I chuckled then took a sip of my own drink before putting it down and resuming my job of rubbing her feet. I was never much of a massage guy or a foot guy, but I felt compelled to offer her relaxation even if that meant massaging her feet. They were pretty feet. Slender and soft with red painted nails. I had no idea how to rub feet, but I was doing my best, and she hadn’t flinched away yet so I guessed I was doing okay.

  “I have to be sure of myself. No second guessing for me, Elijah. Life is too short.”

  “And if I had been a complete asshole?”

  “You’d be on the street.” She was serious despite her smile.

  “Do you do this often? Bring broken people home to fix them up?” I asked only half teasingly. She said she didn’t do this sort of thing after our tryst in the kitchen, but I still had to ask.

  “No, you’re the first and for the record, we are not really strangers. I used to have a crush on you when you hung out with my brother and again when you became this mega rock star. When I saw you in the airport, I felt different, like you needed something or someone to help you heal, and I thought that you were put in my path for a reason.”

  “Maybe we were put in each other’s paths for a reason. Maybe I’m not the only one that needs fixing. Maybe we need to fix each other.”

  “Maybe,” she said with a shrug.

  “Come here,” I said and moved her legs, so she could curl into my arms. “I don’t know why our paths crossed, and I don’t know what it is I feel for you, but I will be here for you, Holly. I won’t leave you.” Her back was against my side, my arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head into me and curled her legs up to her chest. Suddenly, she looked fragile to me, and I made myself a promise that I’d stay with her until the end. I couldn’t explain why I felt pulled to her, but I did.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chinda

  I don’t know what happened to me when Charlie died but something inside me died too. It was Charlie and Frankie that kept me going since waking from my accident. It was Charlie who’d stood beside me and raised my son as his own. We were both the products of wealthy families who were complete assholes and we supported one another. I loved Charlie with my whole heart. I knew things would be rough for him if I chose to be with Elijah, but I never thought he’d kill himself.

  I blamed myself. If I had never made that trip to figure out my connection to him, Charlie would still be alive. We’d be getting ready for our wedding. Aaron wouldn’t be mourning his father. Charlie’s death rested solely on my shoulders, and it was a burden that was heavy but it was mine alone. After his funeral, I decided I needed to get away with Aaron. I didn’t want to see Elijah. I couldn’t see Elijah. Looking at Elijah reminded me of why Charlie was dead. My happiness came at the cost of his life, and I couldn’t go on being happy when he couldn’t go on living.

  Leaving was the hardest thing I’d ever done. If I would have been able to leave still being Kendra, the woman with strange dreams and obsession to Elijah Briston, it would have been easier. Yes, I’d felt connected to him before my memories returned, but I could have left him without much hesitation and only a little heartache. I did remember though and any piece of my heart that didn’t die with Charlie was completely shattered when I commi
tted to leaving Elijah.