Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  I was a chicken shit. I couldn’t bear to say goodbye to him. I worried that he would convince me to stay and I knew I couldn’t. I needed to mourn Charlie on my own. Instead of saying goodbye, I just disappeared. I knew he’d be hurt and angry but reasoned that he had his life and could go on living it, Charlie couldn’t. I had my bags packed and loaded when Frankie pulled up. She was going to be pissed. She got out of her car still wearing the black dress she’d worn to the funeral. I was lifting the last of my luggage into my car.

  “Hey, Kenny, where you going?” She asked me, confusion clear on her face.

  “Away. I don’t know yet. Europe maybe. I just can’t stay here.”

  “Europe? No fucking way. Come stay with me. Don’t leave, please.” Her voice was teetering on the edge of a meltdown, and I felt truly sorry but I couldn’t stay.

  “I can’t, Frankie. I put this place up for sale. I took all that I want from the inside. There might be a few things in there for you. Feel free to look around.” I was being dismissive. I didn’t want to deal with her. She might have enough influence to make me stay. Confusion on her face had faded and was replaced with anger.

  “What the hell are you doing, Kendra? You think he’d want you running away like this? You think Charlie wanted you to go away and hide? If that’s what you think, then you never knew my brother!” she yelled at me. I shoved the last suitcase in and slammed the door shut, turning to face her and instantly wishing I hadn’t. It was easier to fight her without seeing the betrayal and heartbreak in her eyes.

  “I can’t stay here, Frankie! Please, just stop,” I tried, not wanting to fight with her.

  “What about Aaron?”

  “Of course he’s coming with me, Frankie. I’d never leave my son!”

  “No, but you’re taking him away from the only life he’s ever known.”

  “He’s devastated about Charlie. This will be good for him. He doesn’t need to be here, reminded of his father’s death everywhere he looks.”

  “But his family is here, Kendra. You can’t take him away from his family. Fuck! We just lost

  Charlie now we are losing you and Aaron too. How fucking selfish are you?”

  “You’ll know where we are and can visit whenever you like.” I was working hard to keep my voice level.

  “You’re a bitch, Kendra. How dare you pick up and leave me here to deal with this alone. I never thought you’d be such a selfish cunt.”

  “You’re right I am a selfish cunt. Did you know Elijah was here when Charlie died? Did you know that I was making love to Elijah while Charlie was dying? I was ready to leave Charlie and be with Elijah. I got my memory back, and Elijah owned every piece of me. It was because of my selfish need to be happy and need for Elijah that Charlie is dead! If I had left it alone, never gone to meet Elijah, never felt for him, never let him touch me, Charlie would be here. Now, let me go!” I pushed past her and got in my car, leaving her standing stunned.

  “What about Elijah? Doesn’t he have the right to know Aaron? Doesn’t Aaron have the right to know his father?”

  “He knew his father and he’s dead.” I started my car. “I love you, Frankie and will be in touch,” I called out as I pulled away from her and the life I couldn’t live anymore.

  I drove to my parent’s house where Aaron was waiting. I hadn’t told my parents where we were going, or that we were even leaving. My father, though civil during Charlie’s service, still isn’t speaking to me. I find it amusing that he won’t speak to me, as though I did something wrong. As though regaining my memory is a mortal sin. Screw him. My mother, she’s kind of stuck in the middle. She loves me, and I don’t believe she’d ever do this without the coaxing of my father. I try to be somewhat more forgiving to her, but her constant obedience to my father grinds my last nerve. I want to scream at her, tell her to get a backbone, force her to stand up for herself and what she thinks is right. She won’t. She’s a trophy wife and a follower and will never be more. It’s sad really.

  When I pull up to their mansion, I feel my stomach knot up. I’m not nervous. I just don’t know if I can handle another fight. The one with Frankie had been bad, but I had no idea what my father will do when I tell him that I’m leaving. I take a few calming breaths and get out of my car. Aaron is waiting for me at the door and runs to me the moment I step out.

  He’s a handsome boy with nearly white hair and piercing blue eyes. A light dusting of freckles lay across his nose, and his smile can warm the heart of Ebenezer Scrooge. He is a beautiful mixture of Elijah and me, taking both of our best qualities and mixing them into one. I felt my heart skip a beat at the thought of Elijah, but quickly pushed thoughts of him away. I have to get away and thinking of Elijah might make me stay.

  I needed to mourn Charlie away from prying eyes but I also needed to find myself. The person I’d been for the last ten years wasn’t me. I needed to figure that out. Aaron smashed against me, wrapping me in a hug. He was growing so fast, he nearly knocked me over. “Mom, you’re back,” he said breathlessly.

  “I wasn’t gone long was I?” I asked and felt tension in his body.

  “Can we go now?” he asked, looking at me. His eyes were newly red and wet as though he’d been crying. He looked pleadingly to me, and I knew something was wrong and I was sure it had to do with my father.

  “Yes, we will be leaving in a few minutes. Tell me what’s wrong though.” I looked in his eyes and brushed his hair away from his face with my hands before holding his head gently between them.

  “Let’s just go, Mom, please!” His breath caught and his eyes filled with tears again. I felt my body temperature rise a few degrees as my blood boiled in anger. My father said something to my son that much I knew. “Get in the car, sweetie. I’m just going to talk to Grandpa for a minute then we’ll leave. Okay?”

  “But, Mom, don’t go in there, let’s just go.”

  “Aaron, wait in the car. I’ll be right back.” I led him to the passenger door and gently nudged him inside before climbing the stairs to my parent’s front door. I pushed it open and called for my father. The house was quiet. No maids or butlers running around frantically cleaning or serving. I hated that my parents had a staff like that. They treated them shitty too. This was not a life I wanted my son brought up in. I was stupid to ever think I could live like they did. My days of living to make my father happy were over.

  “Dad,” I called out again, loudly, and then again until he finally appeared, my mother close behind him as usual. Pathetic.

  “That’s enough yelling,” he said sternly.

  “I don’t think it is. I just want to know why you did it? Why did you build this false life for me? I would have been happy with Elijah. He loved me, he still loves me but because of you I can never feel that love.” I held my voice steady, pushing down the sob that threatened to escape.

  “As I told you, we did what was best for you. That boy had no future. He would have dragged you down and no daughter of mine is going to live that blue collar life.” His words were cold and his crystal eyes were hard, hateful. I resembled my father in many ways and in that moment, hoped I’d never look at my son with such uncaring eyes.

  “It’s all about status with you isn’t it? Not my happiness or anyone else’s. As long as your name is intact you don’t give a shit about people. You didn’t give a shit about Charlie either. He was just a good financial match right?”

  “Of course. If I was going to plan a whole new life for you do you think I’d stick you with the trash you were so fond of in Oregon? Charlie is perfect. Was perfect. You know that poor boy’s heart surely gave out from worrying about you. I mean really, Kendra?”

  “Fuck you, Dad! Don’t you dare speak of Charlie and me. You know nothing of our relationship or what was in his heart when he died.” My voice was beginning to tremble, and my father’s face was becoming angrier, harder.

  “Come on, Kendra, you take off chasing some rock star across the country like a teenage slut and expect he
’d be waiting with open arms? Then you have enough nerve to bring that white trash man to your home, where your future husband and son live? You’ve behaved like a two dollar hooker, and I suggest you clean up your act or we’ll be forced to cut you out of the will.” My mother stood still and silent behind him. Her eyes turned to the floor. I began laughing hysterically. Money, all they cared about was money. I moved closer to my father. Close enough that my shoes touched his.

  “Don’t you ever speak of Charlie again. He was a good man, and I cared deeply about him as he did me. As far as your money, I don’t give a shit about it and I sure as hell don’t want it. Now, I’m going to take my son and my trampy ass away from this house, this family and away from you.” I turned to walk away, leaving them standing there stunned.

  “Kendra, you get back here right now!” he called after me. I turned to see my mother looking at me, a hint of sadness in her eyes but not enough to make me stay or care. She allowed this to happen and even still, stands behind him.

  “Don’t call me, Kendra. My name is Chinda. Kendra is dead to me and to you. She should have never existed. Goodbye, Daddy,” I said and walked out the door. I could hear them calling after me, and I think I even heard my mother crying. Too little too late, I thought and slid into the driver seat.

  “Ready, baby?” I said to Aaron.

  “Yeah, Mom,” he replied as I started the car and left behind a life I never knew that I didn’t want, until now.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Our plane touched down at Portland International, and I felt a sudden wave of relief wash over me as though I was home, finally. I looked over at Aaron, who’d been quiet since leaving my parent’s house and Florida. He didn’t ask where we were going, and I didn’t offer to tell him. I knew he’d need to mourn Charlie and didn’t want to push him. I also knew, by his reaction at my parents, that they’d told him things that maybe he didn’t need to hear yet. I let him keep it to himself for the trip, deciding to talk to him when we were somewhat settled.

  I knew the day before Charlie’s funeral that I’d leave Florida for Portland. I also knew that I didn’t want anyone to be able to find us, at least not until I was ready, so I lied and said we were vacationing in Europe. Instead, I’d already contacted a realtor who was supposed to find Aaron and me a small place to live somewhere outside the city. I didn’t give her a ton of details. Two bedrooms, in a somewhat secluded area. I needed a place where my son and I could heal and start over. I knew he was going to have questions, and the answers wouldn’t be easy to tell. I had a hard time wrapping my brain around it all, how could he?

  We found the rental car desk and about an hour later we were on our way to the address of the house the agent gave me just before we left Florida. It was short notice, and she’d only been able to find one house. I hoped it was decent, otherwise Aaronand I would be staying in a hotel for a while.

  We drove through the city of Portland and Aaron seemed taken with all the bridges and the skyscrapers that hugged the enormous river that ran through the city, splitting it in half. “It’s really green here, Mom,” he said quietly but I could hear a little excitement in his voice.

  “Yes, it is. Lots of trees huh?”

  “Yeah. I like it.”

  “Good. Hopefully the house we are going to see is good for us,” I said with a smile, and he offered a small one in return. This was the most he’d said, and I was glad to see him opening up a little.

  “Where is the house?” He asked.

  “In a small town, Carlton. It should be about forty five minutes before we get there.”

  “Okay,” he said and leaned back, focusing on the passing scenery.

  It took closer to an hour before we actually made it to the house outside of Carlton, but I felt my heart swell the moment we pulled into the driveway. There, on the side of a small hill, at the end of a long driveway, stood a small cottage style house with a stone front and pitched roof. White shutters hugged the window and looked like they needed a new coat of paint, but the house was perfect. Like, storybook perfect. Enormous trees stood around the house creating a canopy of leaves. The driveway was dirt and the grass grew wild all around the house as did various flowers. I loved that it wasn’t perfect. It needed a little tender loving care, but it was exactly what I’d hoped for.

  The realtor was already there, her BMW parked close to the front door, which was open. I turned off the car and unbuckled. “Well, buddy, what do you think?” I asked Aaron, who was still taking it all in. This was a huge change for him. He was used to living in a Florida mansion where the sun always shone bright and people walked around half naked.

  “Seems nice. The house looks a little old,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. As far as I was concerned, that was a positive reaction. He wasn’t throwing a fit or whining about moving. He seemed a little complacent, but I knew that this would take time getting used to. “Come on, let’s go see inside.” We walked in side by side and found the realtor in the living room. She was well dressed with huge blonde hair and lots of makeup. Typical, I thought, but her smile lit up the room and when she shook my hand, I could sense genuine kindness.

  “Hi, you must be Chinda. I’m Candy, we’ve been speaking on the phone.”

  “Yes, it’s nice to meet you. This is my son, Aaron,” I replied, holding Aaron by the shoulders.

  “Hello, Aaron.”

  “Hello, ma’am.”

  “Well, this is the first house I came up with that fit your descriptions as to what you wanted. I did end up finding a few more to show you since we spoke if this isn’t what you were hoping for.”

  “Mom, can I go look around?”

  “Of course, hunny. Go look around.” I turned to Candy. “Can you show me around?”

  “Of course. This is the living room and I adore the big windows. Really lets in a lot of natural light,” she began as I looked around. She didn’t really need to sell me on the place. I was already in love. There were built in shelves on one wall and the others were covered in a dark wood paneling. She was right, the light coming from the window helped balance the dark walls.

  I followed her though the house as she described every room. I wasn’t listening but knew it was her job, so I let her ramble. The kitchen was covered in the same wood as the living room and was small but quaint. The window above the sink looked out to what I assumed was a garden area at one time. The bathroom was barely big enough to hold the toilet, sink, and tub but was bright white and cheery. Two small bedrooms were tucked into the back of the house. I found Aaron back there. “I want this room, Mom. Is that okay?” He sounded a little excited. It was the bigger of the two rooms, but I didn’t care. I didn’t need a ton of space.

  “Sure. So you like the house?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I like it, Mom.”

  “Great! So looks like we are going to take this one, Candy. I’d like to start with month to month and the option to buy in six months. Will that work?” I asked her and suppressed a giggle at the shocked look on her face.

  “You don’t want to see the other ones?”

  “No, this is the one. Good job and thank you so much. We’d like to move in today. I have the money for the deposit and can pay three months’ rent up front.”

  “I’m sure the owner will be fine with those terms. The house is yours. I’ll speak to the owner tonight about the option to buy and get back to you tomorrow.”

  “Perfect. How far are we from the closest neighbor?” I asked out of curiosity.

  “Not far. There is a cabin on the other side of those trees. I think it’s vacant most of the time. A vacation home maybe, but the trees provide a good barrier. You’re secluded here,” she said, and I could hear a bit of worry in her voice that I might back out because of the house being so close.