Never Say Goodbye

by Angie Merriam

  “Oh, I am sure it will be fine. I was just curious. I look forward to hearing what the owner thinks about me buying the place.” I offered her an assuring smile, and she visibly relaxed.

  “Thank you, Miss Miller.” She extended her hand for me to shake.

  “Please call me Chinda,” I replied taking her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Thank you, Chinda. It was nice to meet you as well. I’ll be in touch,” she said before shaking my hand and turning to leave.

  “Oh, Candy, one more thing,” I called after her.

  “Yes?”

  “Can you point me to the nearest grocery store?”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Aaron and I settled into the house nicely. Thankfully, it was summer time so he had some time to adjust to the new surroundings. We spent a lot of time exploring nearby towns and shopping for home furnishings. I included everything we owned in the sale of the Florida house, which sold much faster than I anticipated. Knowing I wouldn’t have to worry about the Florida home was a huge relief. As soon as I had that money I put an offer on our house, which they accepted eagerly. I was now a homeowner.

  I splurged just a little on some living room furniture and beds for Aaron and me before I put the rest of the money in a savings account. I figured we could live off the interest for a while. One morning, while I was sipping my coffee and Aaron was eating breakfast, he finally started asking the questions I knew he’d been thinking about the entire time. Two months had passed since Charlie died, and we left Florida and this is the first time Aaron spoke of it.

  “Why do you go by Chinda now, Mom?” He asked quietly.

  “Because that’s my name,” I told him honestly.

  “Before we left, when I was at Grandma and Grandpa’s, he told me that when you were young you had an accident and lost your memory.”

  “Yes, that’s true,” I said, wondering what else my father told him.

  “He said you got into a lot of trouble when you were young and that it was because of the people you hung around with. He said they gave you a new name so you could be good.”

  “That’s not exactly true but tell me what else Grandpa told you, then I’ll tell you the truth.”

  “Well, he told me that you were pregnant with me when you had your accident and that my real father is the one who made you do bad things like drugs and drink. He said that my father came back recently and that’s why Charlie is dead.” He stopped, taking a bite of his cereal, and I could tell he was trying to be strong for me.

  “This is what really happened. I am going to tell you the whole truth because you’re a young man now and I think you can handle the truth. Plus I don’t want there to be secrets between us. I’m really sorry you had to find out that Charlie is not your real father that way.”

  “It’s okay, Mom, I kinda always knew.” He looked down at his cereal, his cheeks flushed.

  “How?” I asked surprised.

  “Charlie told me a few years ago but I always wondered. I just look nothing like him or you. I was curious one day and I asked him. He told me the truth.” He met my eyes briefly but quickly looked back at his bowl.

  “What did he tell you?” I was a little taken back but was careful not to raise my voice. He was confiding in me, and I knew it wasn’t easy for him to do. He shouldn’t have had to carry these secrets with him. He’s too young for that.

  “That you had me young and that you loved my real father very much but he didn’t know much about him.” I wondered why Charlie never told me about this conversation and wished like hell he was there for me to ask him. I set my cup of coffee down and looked at my son. He was so smart with a keen eye. He didn’t look like Charlie and, other than his light hair, only has small resemblances of me. He was a mini version of Elijah, from his wavy hair to his light blue eyes and strong face. He was handsome like his father with a heart of gold. I’d pushed Elijah out of my head since arriving in Oregon. I missed him but knew I was broken and needed to fix myself before I could be with anyone, him included.

  I felt a tug at my heart now as I told Aaron the story of his father and me.

  “I met your dad in high school. He was so cute and charming. All the girls liked him but for some reason he liked me. I was good friends with his sister, Elsie, your aunt, and we always hung out together. I quickly fell in love with him before I really knew what love was. We were so young and naïve. I thought for sure my parents would love him too, how could they not when I did so much? Well, his family wasn’t like mine. Both his parents worked and lived paycheck to paycheck. They lived in a modest house in a middle class neighborhood. I loved them. They were always so kind to me and welcoming. When I brought Elijah home to meet my parents, they were rude and condescending. I was embarrassed by their behavior but horrified when they forbid me from seeing him, calling him and his family trash.

  We couldn’t stay away from each other, so we continued to date in secrecy. He was a good guy. He didn’t do drugs or drink like your grandfather said and neither did I. The only thing I did was fall in love with a boy with less money than me,” I stopped, needing to breathe for a second. Talking about the past was hard. Since my memory returned I’d done my best not to think about the past. Reliving it for my son was difficult.

  “Anyway, on prom night we made love for the first time and that was when you were conceived but there was an accident. My parents told your father that I’d died in the accident. In reality they moved me to Florida, gave me a new name and a new future husband, Charlie.”

  “Did Charlie know everything?”

  “No, not everything.”

  “Did you ever love Charlie?” He asked, and I could hear the hope in his voice. The child lost the only father he ever knew only to be misinformed that his real father was trash.

  “Yes, I did but not like you think and he didn’t love me like that either. We grew to be the best of friends and supported each other but we were not in love like a husband and wife should be.”

  “Is it true that Elijah Briston is my father?” He seemed to perk up when he said Elijah’s name. I silently cursed my father for telling my son all of this. He was out of place by doing so. I knew now more than ever that I made the right decision moving away from them. From him. Maybe I could give Aaron a normal life without their influence.

  “Yes, Elijah is your father,” I said simply.

  “My dad’s a cool rock star?” he asked excitedly. It was the first time I’d seen or heard excitement in his voice since Charlie’s death, and I felt my heart skip a beat.

  “How do you know that?” I asked him. Charlie had loved classical music and I loved country. I tried not to listen to Briston around Aaron. I don’t know why I made a conscious effort to shield my son from Briston all those years, but I did.

  “Mom, I’ve watched MTV before. I’m not a baby,” he replied, rolling his eyes and sighing loudly. I couldn’t help but let out a giggle.

  “No, I guess you’re not a baby are you?” I was sad to realize my baby was growing up and in such a sad time in his life.

  “I love rock music, Mom, and I think Briston is rad. Do you think I can sing or play an instrument like him? Does he know about me? Can I meet him?” I was happy to see him wear of look of hope and not the depression I’d been waiting for him to pop out of but letting Aaron meet Elijah would mean I’d have to see him again, and I wasn’t ready for that.

  “Whoa, slow down there, buddy. How did I not know you like rock music?” I asked and he just shrugged his shoulders.

  “Okay, well, you might have some of his musical talents. Your aunt Elsie is in the band too so it’s highly possible that you inherited something. Maybe we can get you a guitar or something and find out.” I offered, and he nodded enthusiastically while chewing his cereal.

  “And for your other questions, yes, he does know about you. I recently reconnected with him. Remember though, he thought I was dead so it wasn’t easy but yes, he knows about you now and as far as you meeting him, I am
sure someday soon you will meet him. I know he wants to meet you, he told me that. I just need a little bit of time, Aaron, okay?”

  “Okay, Mom. I kind of understand but don’t wait too long, please. I want to know my dad,” he said before standing up and putting his bowel in the sink. “I’m going outside,” he said over his shoulder as he opened the back door. Just like that, our conversation was over, and I felt a vise around my heart. He was right. He had the right to know his father. His father had a right to know him. As much as my heart wanted Elijah, I couldn’t get over the fact that my need to know him was the cause of Charlie’s death. I doubted I could ever get over that which meant a relationship for him and I was never going to happen. I would put my feelings aside for Aaron though. I just had to figure out how to do that.

  Over the next few weeks, we planted our roots in Carlton, and Aaron seemed happy. I signed him up for summer activities where he met some other boys whom he seemed to get along with. He had a few sleepovers and I enjoyed wine with a few of the other moms. It was nice to be anonymous. They didn’t ask too many questions and seemed content knowing we were from Florida and here alone. A few boys asked Aaron about his dad, and he told them he didn’t know him yet but was going to meet him soon. Every time he said it he’d give me a look telling me the time was close. He never told them that his dad was a rock star which made me proud of him. A lot of ten year old boys or girls would have run around bragging about it but not Aaron. He wasn’t that kind of kid. He was modest and kind.

  The summer was winding down and although the temperature hadn’t been below ninety five in weeks, you could still feel fall in the air. Aaron was all ready for school and antsy to get started. We were sitting down to dinner one night when he brought up Elijah again.

  “Have you talked to my dad yet?” He asked casually between bites.

  “Not yet. I’m not sure where he is right now,” I replied honestly. I hadn’t heard about any Briston tours or really anything. I knew the end of their last tour was cancelled which I also knew was my fault. I expected him to go back to the band and finish the tour but apparently that hadn’t happened yet. There was nothing about them in the news or tabloids. He was lying low, same as me. I often thought about him and wondered if he thought about me. Then I’d chastise myself for allowing my heart to long for him. To miss him.

  “Well, how are we going to find him? He’s a rock star, it shouldn’t be too hard right?”

  “Celebrities are the best at hiding when they want to, son. I will see what I can do though.” I took another bite, hoping he’d be happy with my answer. He wasn’t.

  “School starts in two weeks, Mom. I want to meet him before that, and if we have to travel, we are running out of time. I don’t want to miss my first day. What about Aunt Elsie?” he asked and the way he said Aunt Elsie, was as if he’d known her his entire life, and it pulled at my heart. He should have known her. He had a right to know her.

  “Okay, I have some ideas. I will make some calls tomorrow.”

  “No, Mom, start tonight. Please.”

  “Why the rush all of the sudden?”

  “It’s not, Mom. I’ve been waiting. I knew you needed time to get over Charlie and so did I but it’s time. He would want me to know my dad. He would also want you to be happy, Mom.” He looked pointedly at me, and I wondered how he had become so wise.

  “Since when are you so wise, mister?” I asked with a small laugh trying to hide the tears that were threatening to spill. Again, he was right. Charlie would want both of us to be happy. I only cared about Aaron’s happiness. For him, I’d put my feelings aside and find Elijah. I took one more bite of food and a sip of wine.

  “Okay. I’ll start tonight. Clean up dinner. I’m going to call Aunt Frankie. Maybe she knows something okay?”

  “K, Mom,” he replied happily. I left him to finish his dinner. I refilled my wine glass then went into the living room and made myself comfortable on the couch. I picked up the phone carefully and slowly dialed the number that was engraved in my brain. I touched the keys gingerly as though they’d burst into flames if I pressed too hard. The other end rang four times before I hear the familiar click followed by a voice that made my breath catch. I’d really missed Frankie. I also knew she was going to be so pissed at me.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Frankie, it’s me,” I said quietly.

  “Kenny? It’s about fucking time! What the hell were you thinking? Running off with Aaron and no one knows where you are and you can’t even call me one time in the last three months? What the hell is wrong with you?” She wasn’t yelling but her voice was raised. I was expecting this.

  “Are you done?” I said when she stopped for air.

  “I don’t know. Are you going to give me answers?”

  “Yes, but only if you promise not to tell anyone where we are, deal?”

  “Yeah of course. You can trust me, Kenny. It pisses me off that you thought you couldn’t.”

  “I know I can and that’s not why I haven’t called.”

  “Then why haven’t you?”

  “You remind me of him and that reminds me of how much all this is my fault. That and I needed time to figure myself out, Frankie. In the span of a few weeks I found out I was in love with a rock star, my parents faked my death, then Charlie. It was too much. I had to leave to find me and my sanity.”

  “And you couldn’t at least let me know you were okay?”

  “I’m sorry, Frankie, but I just couldn’t talk to you. I needed this time. I’m sorry you worried. I really am. We are happy here though, both of us,” I offered and heard her sigh deeply on the other end.

  “I’m glad you’re happy and I kind of understand but don’t you ever do this shit again. You’re my sister and my only link to sanity in this crazy family. It hasn’t been easy since Charlie’s death.”

  “I can only imagine. I really am sorry.” I hadn’t thought about how hard it would be for her. I only knew I had to get out of there. Escape. I couldn’t live that life, and I didn’t want Aaron to. I should have thought of her, maybe brought her with me.

  “Well, you want to come here to us? Escape to paradise?”

  “Where are you, Jamaica?”

  “No, better. Oregon.”

  “Really? Playing with the cowboys or the Indians?” She said with a laugh.

  “Neither. Seriously though, you want to come out here?” I asked her and hoped she said yes. I suddenly missed her like crazy and couldn’t wait to see her.

  “Hell yes I do.”

  “Great! How soon can you leave?” I asked eagerly.

  “Girl, you know I am free of all responsibility. I can leave any time,” she said with a laugh. She was a product of wealth. Her father thought women should stay in the home and not work so he purposely neglected her education and instead showered her with gifts and fancy clothes. She was smart and could have been so much more. She seemed happy enough though. She loved clothes and I always told her she should go into designing but the fight she’d get into with her father wasn’t worth it, so she just played princess and dress up.

  “Get your ass on a flight to Portland, Oregon tomorrow. I’ll pick you up.”

  “I’ll start packing now,” she squealed.

  “I can’t wait to see you Frankie and Aaron is going to be so excited.”

  “I can’t wait to see both of you. I am going to go so I can pack and book a flight. I’ll call you with my flight info.”

  I quickly gave her my number before I finally found the courage to ask about Elijah. “One more thing, Frankie. Did Elijah come around after I left?” I heard the familiar sound of her lighter just before she sucked in a deep breath. She was lighting up a cigarette. This wasn’t going to be good.