by Karin Baine
The revelation was so great Jessica found herself sprinting away from it when they fired the starting pistol. She’d done the one thing she’d sworn not to and fallen in love. Now there was no way of getting out of this with her heart intact. Even if there was the slightest chance he could return the sentiment, there were too many hurdles for them to overcome. They would only be postponing the inevitable if they tried.
Twigs snapped beneath her feet as she tore up the ground in her bid to outrun the injustice of it all. She’d found someone who truly made her happy, someone she could be herself with, but there was still that skeleton lurking in her closet which would ultimately drive him away.
Before she could devise an escape plan, the object of her misplaced affection was speeding to her side.
‘Hey, wait for me.’
‘Sorry. My competitive instinct took over for a minute.’ She slowed to a more realistic pace for a woman more chocolate bunny than gym bunny—one which didn’t threaten to explode her lungs. Unfortunately, the deceleration didn’t help regulate her thumping heart.
‘Trust me, you’re going to need to save that energy for the finish.’ He gave her a wink and sped ahead, demonstrating his own competitive streak.
The track thinned out alongside a rocky stream, forcing them into single file and ending conversation between them. It gave her a chance to think about the consequences of her errant emotions, as well as ogle his backside.
She’d deliberately prevented him from staying at her house since that night to avoid this very situation. As if virtually moving into his would make any difference. In theory, setting time parameters was supposed to counteract such complications. In reality, feelings trumped everything.
Okay, so they travelled together to and from work when schedules allowed and they spent every night in bed together, but she hadn’t planned this. What she did know was that he had permeated into every aspect of her life and it was going to be a Herculean task to remove all traces of him when she was expected to move on. Rob was part of her working day, as a doctor and confidante. At night, he was her companion and lover. And she didn’t want to lose him in either capacity. This was exactly why she shouldn’t have got attached from the start. They’d let emotion creep in where it had no business being, by nosing into each other’s pasts.
Until this project began she hadn’t entertained the idea of getting serious with another man. Adam had shattered her confidence and the belief that she could ever be enough for any man. Rob had showed her otherwise. At least on the surface. Now she was wondering if there was a way she could make this work with Rob. They were both single career people who so clearly enjoyed each other’s company.
Although he was very good with the children, he hadn’t made mention of a desire to have any of his own. It was entirely possible that Jessica had projected her insecurities onto him, making excuses for this relationship not to succeed beyond the length of the documentary shoot. For all she knew, he had issues of his own in that department. Perhaps he’d buried the idea of a family with his wife. Perhaps she should stop jumping ahead to the idea of marriage and children when he’d promised her nothing more than a few weeks in his bed. Even if they carried on, the spark between them could very well fizzle out before it reached the stage where it mattered.
There were only two ways she could see to deal with this serious breach of her heart and neither would necessarily end well for her. Either she could keep this new information to herself and pretend the end of the affair wouldn’t crush her, or confess. Whilst she’d keep her fingers crossed that he could be prompted into declaring his undying love for her too, the likelier scenario was another rejection. He hadn’t asked her to fall in love with him, never expressed an interest in extending their fling into an actual relationship. But if this was her last chance at having someone to grow old with, she would never forgive herself for walking away without a fight. Though he didn’t know it, Rob held the key to her future happiness—a burden he might not be ready, or willing, to accept.
This new development in their courtship would change the dynamics between them for good. If she decided to share the news with him.
As the trail opened out again onto the forest floor, the throng of runners fanned out to create a colourful spectacle amongst the trees. The laughter and chatter of the group was a happy sound to behold, unless you were struggling to hear the decisions your subconscious was telling you to make. With a desire to be alone with her thoughts, she fell back from the crowd. She slowed to a walking pace and it wasn’t long before Rob noticed.
‘What’s wrong, slowcoach? Are you admitting defeat already?’ He was running back towards her, a vision in neon emerging from the dark woods. Fit in every sense of the word.
For fear of having to explain her sudden lack of commitment to the run, she doubled over and feigned injury. ‘I think I’ve got a stitch.’
It wasn’t a complete lie—there was definitely a sharp pain stabbing her insides that made her want to curl up into a ball. His face was a mask of concern as he jogged to her side, multiplying her level of guilt in the process.
‘Take a few deep breaths and try to walk it off.’ He fell too easily for the fib, enabling Jessica to keep the pretence going for a little while longer.
She straightened up with a grimace, making all the right groaning noises as she did so. Rob retrieved a water bottle from his backpack and instructed her to take a sip while they walked.
Whether it was a fake running injury or fainting from hunger, he was always there to catch her. Given his caring nature, he would probably show the same level of care for anyone in need, but he wasn’t sharing his bed with them at night. Jessica had discovered for herself it wasn’t so easy to keep love and lust separate at all times.
Her inner optimist held out hope that Rob’s compassion would extend to all areas of her health problems. So he would understand her fertility issues, accept them and love her regardless. She was asking for the world.
* * *
Rob kept a close eye on Jessica as they made their way deeper into the forest towards the babbling stream. She was quieter than usual and he didn’t think it was merely down to a stitch in her side. He’d seen her bounce back from worse than that. It wasn’t like her to separate herself from the rest of the group either. Usually she would be right where he should be too—in the thick of things, keeping morale up. Not watching as the others disappeared into the trees. The imposed solitude hinted that she wanted to be alone with him for a reason and he wasn’t about to complain. They’d grown so insular, cooped up at his place, it was nice to spend time together outdoors for a change.
With the documentary series beginning to wrap up Rob knew they were on borrowed time but he wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet. If there was a way they could keep on seeing each other when it ended, he would jump at the chance. He couldn’t, didn’t want to replace Leah and Mollie, but he couldn’t stand the thought of losing Jessica either. Was five years of denying himself happiness punishment enough for his guilt, or should it remain a life sentence? Everyone else thought he’d been too harsh on himself but they weren’t privy to all the facts. Jessica was the one person in whom he might be able to finally confide the truth. Her reaction would tell if he’d sufficiently served his time and they could see where this thing led them. He didn’t want to throw away what he had with Jessica because he was afraid of being happy without Leah and Mollie.
He took the lead as they reached the crossing point of the river to scout out any hidden danger first. Although it wasn’t necessary as Jessica skipped across the stepping stones after him like a woodland nymph. She was a shimmering light in the murky shadows of his world and he didn’t want to be plunged back into darkness again once she was gone.
‘Is everything okay?’ he asked, holding out a hand to help her take the final leap.
‘I’m feeling much better. Thank you,
Doctor.’ She fluttered her glittery eyelashes at him as she joined him on the riverbank and Rob couldn’t resist moving in for a kiss.
Their lips met under the dappled shadows of the trees. The gentle swish of leaves in the breeze and the steady trickle of the stream serenaded them and created the perfect idyll for them to be together.
‘I wish we could stay here for ever,’ he whispered into her hair as he held her tight. He hadn’t meant to say the words outside of his head but she didn’t flinch at the sentiment. Everything seemed so easy here in each other’s arms with nobody else to think about.
‘Me too.’ Her wistful sigh kept the dream alive as they rocked together for a little while longer.
Rob caught a flash of movement in the trees across the stream and the spell was broken. ‘I think we have company.’
‘It was too good to last,’ Jessica tutted as a band of latecomers burst onto the scene in high spirits and full voice, disturbing the tranquillity. He hoped it was only the peace and quiet she was talking about.
‘Come on. We can try to keep a few steps ahead of them.’ He grabbed her hand and started back on the trail in the vale of the Mourne Mountains. If he was going to spill his deepest, darkest secrets, it would be somewhere without an audience.
Jessica giggled as they power-walked away from company like naughty schoolchildren caught playing truant. ‘What happened to the affable doctor with time and a friendly word for everyone?’
‘Even he needs a timeout now and then. Perhaps he’s finally taking notice of those people telling him he should get a life of his own.’ For the time being, that included Jessica and he intended to make every second count. That included days off and fun runs.
His partner in crime squeezed his hand in what he hoped was solidarity. Should he follow that advice to the letter, he very much wanted Jessica to be a part of that new start.
They circled round the duck pond and, once they were sure they were far enough ahead of the rest of the party, they came to rest on a bench. Jessica stretched out her legs and tossed her head back. Rob envied the sun as she gave herself to it without hesitation. He didn’t know where he stood with her and he was sure she was still holding something back from him. Time with her had shown him he could still love his family and have feelings for her too. If he could get her to commit to something more than they had, he’d like to explore what that meant.
With his head in a whirl, he left her and walked down to the water’s edge. He swung his backpack around and rummaged inside until he found what he was looking for. The ducks had always been a highlight of the trail for him and he never came empty-handed. Armed with a handful of oats, he knelt down to draw them closer.
‘I’m sure Scottish wildlife love their porridge but I’m pretty sure the ducks around here prefer good old-fashioned bread.’
Rob shook his head. ‘There’s no nutritional value for them in it. In fact, it can cause bloating and generally damage their health. Not to mention the uneaten bread lying about which affects the water quality and attracts vermin. You’re much better feeding them oats, corn or even grapes cut in half.’
‘You’ve done your homework.’ Jessica joined him, holding her hand out for duck bribes too.
‘This was always Mollie’s favourite part.’ The words slipped out before he had time to think about it but even saying his daughter’s name aloud parted the clouds of sorrow keeping her hidden from the world. It had been too long since he’d said it. To go from calling it out every day to avoiding any mention of her was as hard to accept as never seeing her sweet face again. He was thankful for one more chance to give her a voice. Regardless of his mistakes, she deserved to be remembered.
Her name hung in the air, waiting for Jessica to retrieve it.
‘Mollie?’ Jessica carried on chucking lunch out onto the water, oblivious to the significance of Rob’s reminiscing. He was entrusting her with the memory of his daughter, the most precious thing in his life.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
‘It wasn’t only Leah I lost in the accident that day. I had a little girl too.’ It was as if he’d opened a valve, releasing all the pressure of his grief which had been building up inside him for so long.
He was starting to learn that remaining stagnant wasn’t doing him any favours. Losing Mollie was the most traumatic event in his life and he’d tried so hard to bury it. As though it was something shameful. He wanted so desperately to believe he could trust Jessica with her memory.
Jessica gasped, inhaling the breath he’d just let go of. ‘Oh, my God! No! I can’t...I don’t...’
It was a lot of information to dump on her and he understood how overwhelming the information was. What could you say to someone who’d lost a child? What could possibly make any difference?
He’d heard it all.
‘At least she’s with her mother.’
‘She’s in a better place.’
Every trite comment made him want to punch something. She was still his daughter and he’d lost her for ever. The enormity of that could never be expressed sufficiently. Perhaps it was better that Jessica said nothing, rather than trot out another meaningless cliché.
‘How old was she?’ Jessica’s eyes filled with tears as they spoke and Rob was forced to turn away. It was a simple question; he hadn’t expected it to cause him to well up more than he already had. There was no turning back now.
‘Four. I have a picture here.’ He fished in his back pocket for his wallet and the worn family photo he kept in it. There were no photographs in his house because he wanted to avoid awkward questions and his guilt. However, he’d kept this one close to his heart for the past five years. The small reminder of everything he’d lost when they started to fade in his thoughts.
‘Is this Leah too? They’re both beautiful. You all look very happy together.’ Jessica’s reaction held no trace of jealousy or exasperation as she was presented with his previous life. Rob was grasping at the idea that he’d found someone with room in her heart for all three of them.
‘We were. Most of the time.’ He tucked the photograph back where it came from, wishing he could hide his feelings just as easily.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Jessica’s voice was a soft whisper invading his memories.
‘This was supposed to be a no-frills deal, right?’ He gave a humourless laugh. ‘I killed my wife and daughter’ definitely didn’t fall into line with that frivolous idea of fun she’d been looking for.
‘I know, but we’ve shared so much these past three weeks. What made you think I couldn’t handle knowing about your daughter?’ The frown creasing her forehead and the defensive body language said she was hurt by his omission.
It was going to be difficult not to make this the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ line.
He swallowed the ball of nerves lodged in his throat. He delivered life-altering news every day of his career but none which could potentially impact on his own as much as this. The real reason he’d kept Mollie a secret was to hide his shame at failing her. He didn’t think he could bear it if Jessica turned her back on him once she learned the truth but he couldn’t live a lie any longer. They wouldn’t stand a chance at a future together unless she knew the real Rob Campbell.
* * *
‘I didn’t tell you everything about the accident. No one knows the full story. Which is why people are happy to paint me as the victim when I’m the one to blame. I told you about the row Leah and I had the night before the accident. We’d argued about Mollie’s childcare. Leah was a model before she got pregnant and she’d started taking on assignments and dragging Mollie along with her without telling me. I thought our daughter deserved more attention. How much of a hypocrite does that make me for staying at home when I should have been with them, shopping for my little girl’s first day at school? You can’t imagine having to live
with the knowledge that you sent your own wife and child to their deaths. I let them both down.’ He sank down onto his knees. All that remained now was the shell of a man who’d once been a husband and father.
Jessica sat down cross-legged beside him, paying no attention to the mud clinging to her pink chiffon skirt, and took his hand in hers. He’d never fully appreciated the importance of hand-holding before now. She was showing him she was there for him, reminding him he wasn’t alone.
‘I still stand by the fact it wasn’t your fault, regardless of any argument or that your daughter was there too. Surely your family can see that?’
‘I never told them. I couldn’t live with everyone knowing the truth and hating me as much as I hated myself. It was easier for me to just pack up and leave.’ A decision he’d questioned at various points over the years but he’d left it too long to try to build bridges with his family now.
‘Rob!’
Jessica nearly sent him sprawling into the dirt as she slapped his arm.
‘What was that for?’
‘You’ve spent so long beating yourself up I didn’t think one more dig would hurt you. Seriously, though, five years cut off from friends and family is more than enough punishment for something that wasn’t your fault. They didn’t do anything to deserve that, did they?’
‘No. I just couldn’t cope with everyone telling me how I should be feeling, what I should be doing. I couldn’t hear my own thoughts above theirs any more.’ He’d been treading water on his own for years.
‘Haven’t you had enough space by now? What if you had been in that car? You might’ve been killed too. And what of the lives you’ve saved over these past years too? Do they mean nothing? You’ve accomplished so much in your career, made a difference to so many people. Isn’t it time to reconnect with those who care about you?’
‘I hurt them. Some of the things I said... I don’t even know if they’d want me back.’ He’d been hurt, angry, and he’d pushed away the few people he’d had left in his life. He’d packed up and walked away to start afresh. Except he hadn’t. All he’d done was lock himself away with his grief in another country.
