by Karin Baine
‘Of course they will. They lost Leah and Mollie, and they lost you too. I’m sure a phone call would put their fears to rest.’
He’d never considered his parents’, or Leah’s parents’ loss. The light had gone out in everyone’s lives when they’d died. At the funeral and during the days following, all he’d been able to think about was the two white coffins and his own pain sealed inside. Leah’s parents might have lost their daughter, but his parents had lost their son too. He’d been selfish and it took someone with Jessica’s guts to point that out to him.
‘We’ll see. One thing at a time.’ He was learning to deal with the here and now first.
‘I think it would do you good to have someone here for you.’ Jessica’s understanding was the reason he’d finally shared Mollie with her. They’d come a long way since she’d come barging into his department and he’d wanted to show her and the film crew the exit. Now she was the one he wanted to be here for him.
‘You asked me why I hadn’t told you. The truth is, I’ve never trusted anyone enough with the full story. I don’t want people thinking I can’t do my job objectively because of what happened to me. It’s private. I’ve learned to be very selective about my friends over the years.’
‘I would suggest “selective” to the point of friend, singular.’
‘Look at it as your privilege, and not my madness.’ He relaxed into a grin. After everything he’d told her, she was still here. Every time he’d imagined telling someone about losing his daughter through his thoughtless actions, he’d pictured them running away as fast as their legs could carry them. Not sitting here telling him to pull himself together.
‘I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve such an honour but I’ll accept it if it means you’ll stop living in the past.’
That serving of tough love had stopped Rob from falling further into self-pity. He hadn’t considered anyone other than himself in his actions and he could see it was time to let other people in to share his life. He was edging ever closer to making a commitment to something other than his grief.
‘Okay, okay, I get it. No more moping. You can be a hard-ass when you want to be, Jessica Halliday.’ He’d already started to think more about his future over these past days and he was hoping she would be a part of it. With her help, he might just be able to free himself from some of the guilt weighing him down.
‘I do have a certain reputation to maintain. As honoured as I am that you’ve shared all of this with me, I am curious why you’ve decided to tell me now.’ She was almost daring him to say how he felt about her.
‘I know we agreed to end things when filming finished but now that it’s approaching it seems foolish to set a time limit on what we have. We’re good together, Jessica.’ He stopped short of saying those three little words before he scared her off altogether. The next great reveal could wait until he knew there was a possibility she could love him back.
* * *
She didn’t disagree but she was glad when the stragglers caught up and interrupted their conversation. This wasn’t the time to reveal how she felt about him with people milling around feeding the ducks and taking refreshments. Especially when she was still trying to untangle the mess of emotions Rob had tied up even tighter in the past ten minutes.
The tension she’d sensed between them hadn’t been leading up to Rob declaring his undying love for her, as she’d imagined. He’d given her something even more precious. Confiding in her about Mollie meant more than those three words, which didn’t always turn out to be true. It was right up there with removing his wedding ring. Her pulse started to quicken as the implications set in. It was so much to take in.
He was telling her he wanted to be with her, something her heart ached for too. But her love could never be enough to replace everything he’d lost. Fate had cruelly struck her for a second time. Despite all her precautions, she’d fallen head over glittery running shoes for Rob and she was still going to have to end it. She couldn’t take another rejection, which would inevitably follow once he heard about her infertility. This was a man who needed another family, deserved one, and she could never give it to him. It would be better for her in the long run if they stuck to the original agreement instead of dragging this out to the messy, painful finale. She wouldn’t lead him on and let him think she was the special woman he’d been waiting for.
He’d held on to that loss for so long it was evident how greatly it had affected him. The void in his life was as great as the one in hers for the child she would never have. Rob couldn’t possibly find closure with her. How dare she expect him to move on from the past with her when she couldn’t give him a future to look forward to. Her heart was aching, the pain of losing him tearing her apart inside, but she couldn’t show him that. He shouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of her pain when he’d made it clear from the start he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was her fault she’d let things get this far.
Adam had been right. She could never sustain anything meaningful without the resentment of her infertility coming between them.
‘We should get moving before they send a search party out for us.’ She got up and dusted herself down, ready to move on. She was good at that.
Rob scrabbled to his feet beside her. ‘Thanks for hearing me out. I promise I’ll think about contacting my folks.’
‘Good.’ Then the onus wouldn’t be entirely on her to love and support him when she would inevitably let him down.
‘We’ll finish the rest of the discussion in private,’ he said for her ears only. Apparently it didn’t matter to her body that she’d already ended the relationship in her head as that growly Scottish promise brought goosebumps to her skin. This was going to have to be a clean break, with no lapses into his arms if she hoped to survive.
‘Later,’ she promised, although she planned something a lot less intimate than he probably had in mind. This break-up speech would serve her better when she was dressed in more sombre clothes, on neutral territory and preferably somewhere she could walk away from.
She steeled herself to tackle the rest of the run and was grateful that the last leg of their journey was mainly uphill. At least he wouldn’t expect her to talk when she was gasping for breath.
CHAPTER NINE
ROB WAS FINALLY making peace with the past. After coming clean with Jessica he’d gone home and made that call to his parents. It had been a long, emotional reunion over the phone but one they’d all needed. The result of it was another weight lifted from him and an invitation to Belfast for them. They didn’t believe he was to blame for what had happened any more than Jessica did. All they wanted was for him to be happy. And he would be as soon as he and Jessica found time for their heart-to-heart.
Now he was free to build a life after Leah and Mollie, he couldn’t wait to take the next step with his feisty redhead. Unfortunately, the universe seemed to be conspiring against him getting anywhere close to her these days.
The fun run, coupled with the emotional baggage he’d unloaded onto her, had understandably left her drained on Saturday night. He’d agreed to the suggestion they spend the weekend apart for her to recover and take everything on board. But this was now Tuesday and paranoia was beginning to set in.
Logic said her busy schedule was to blame for the rushed phone calls and his quiet nights without her. These were the last days of filming and he knew she was trying to get everything wrapped up. It was the timing which made him antsy. He was trying not to link her sudden coolness to him spilling his guts about Mollie and the row he’d had with Leah before the crash. Jessica had been so understanding and supportive; he couldn’t imagine she was now taking umbrage over it. The only other subject they’d touched on before she went AWOL was their relationship and he’d expect her to tell him straight if she wasn’t interested in him any more. She’d never been behind the door in saying how she
felt about anything since they’d met.
Time was running out and he’d wasted enough of it denying himself happiness. He intended to bring this to a head today so they both knew exactly where they stood before they let something good slip away. The best way to do that without interfering too much with her work was to combine the two. He’d scheduled that one-on-one interview she’d been so keen to get on tape from day one, so she had no more excuses not to see him.
Sitting here in a glorified storeroom with a camera pointing at him might have appeared an excessive way to get her attention but Jessica was worth it. He’d spent long enough with his life on hold and he would do whatever it took to ensure they had a future together.
Jessica bustled into the room a good five minutes later than they’d agreed, her arms full of papers and a coffee in her hand. ‘I’m sorry I’m late. I won’t keep you too long.’
He could’ve been any random off the street waiting to do a vox pop for all the interest she showed in him. There was no eye contact, no sly smile, no indication at all that they’d spent the majority of the past month in his bed. He frowned at the lack of familiarity even when they were the only two people in the cramped room. A matter of days ago they wouldn’t have been able to keep their hands off one another and he didn’t know what had happened to change that.
‘No problem. It’s just us, then?’
‘Yes. Everything’s set up, ready to go. I have enough technical experience to shoot these interviews myself with a static camera. It makes them more—’
‘Intimate?’
‘I was going to say relaxed, but I guess that works too. Basically, I’ll ask you a few questions relating to your job and if you could answer directly to the camera it would be great.’ She ignored the blush he’d brought to her cheeks and the reason for it as she maintained her professional stance in the face of his provocation.
‘I get it. Then you’ll edit out your questions so it looks as though I’m talking to myself?’
‘I prefer to see it as a monologue to the camera, to the viewers who want to hear your personal experiences. Now, are you miked up?’
It crossed his mind to pretend otherwise and have her rummaging under his clothes with the microphone pack in the vain hope the contact would reignite the fire between them. In the end he decided against it, since she seemed keen to keep a camera between them at all times. ‘Yes. I’m ready to roll when you are.’
He understood she had a job to do and this project was important to her. It was the only reason he was going along with this. For now.
* * *
Jessica willed her hands to stop shaking and prayed Rob couldn’t see them. In hindsight, coffee probably hadn’t been the best idea for her jittery nerves as she watched it spill over her notes. She wasn’t looking forward to the conversation she had to have with him once the professional one was out of the way. She’d been deliberately avoiding it and the realisation she’d fallen hopelessly in love with him since the fun run. Hopeless when there was no possibility she could give him the type of fulfilment he deserved in life.
She’d justified the white lies she’d used to stay out of his bed as a way to create distance so the final blow wouldn’t be completely unexpected. In reality she’d been too chicken to end things face-to-face. She was worried she would cave in at the last minute, afraid he’d see through her lies but most of all terrified he’d find out the truth and reject her anyway. Now they were here, alone, and she knew there’d be no more running away from him. As soon as she got what she needed from him.
She cleared her throat and took a sip of coffee, relying on the caffeine to see her through this without collapsing into a heap of jelly. ‘Okay, we’ll need an introduction. If you could just tell us your name, your role here and what your day-to-day routine is, it would be a good start.’
The irony of what she was asking wasn’t lost on her. She knew everything about him, more than most people in his life. Rob had shared his most intimate secrets with her and she was pretending his life was a complete mystery to her for the sake of the camera. Worse, she was treating him like a stranger to protect her heart, with no thought for his. She salved her soul with the knowledge he’d survived a greater trauma than the premature end of a fling.
Once the camera was rolling Rob sat up straight to deliver his piece. He was making this easier for her than she’d anticipated. So far he’d followed her lead and swerved any mention of their relationship, or questioned her absence since Saturday. The insecure jilted woman inside her took it as a slight, ridiculous given the circumstances, but deep down she still wanted him to fight for her. Every closet romantic needed to believe they were worth loving even if it was a doomed venture.
‘I’m Dr Rob Campbell and I’m the consultant paediatric oncologist at Belfast Community Children’s Hospital. I treat young cancer patients and coordinate their care with a team of radiotherapy and surgical specialists. My job is to make sure each child receives the best possible care from the moment of diagnosis. This includes administering chemotherapy and deciding which combination of treatments will be most effective for the individual. I also liaise with the families to keep them informed at every stage of their child’s treatment.’
His position here sounded straightforward when it was broken down into simple terms. The director had made the right call asking for more personal footage of Rob. Snippets of him in between patient stories could never adequately convey his emotional commitment to everyone who came through those hospital doors. At least the footage they had with the Girl Guides would show the rapport he had with children, whether they were patients or not. He’d probably been a fantastic father and she was sure he would be again some day.
She blinked away the tears burning her eyes to find he was staring at her, awaiting further instruction.
‘That’s great. Now, could you explain to the audience what chemotherapy actually is and what effect it has on cancer cells?’
He gave her a questioning glance as if to say You know better than anyone what chemo is, but this wasn’t about her. Besides, they could use his definitive explanation to narrate any relevant segments involving chemo treatment.
‘Sure. Chemotherapy is the name given to the drugs we use to kill cancer cells. These can be given as tablets, liquids or as injections into the bloodstream, muscle or spinal fluid. The drugs are then absorbed into the bloodstream and carried around the body to reach and destroy cancer cells.’
She appreciated that he didn’t dwell on the inevitable side effects when normal, healthy cells were also damaged. They would be obvious on the faces of all those they featured over the course of the series. Unless you were extremely unlucky, those side effects subsided when treatment finished.
‘Tell us why an MRI scanner is so important to the department.’ Her promise to promote the appeal was the main reason he’d agreed to be interviewed, so she attempted to sweeten the blow coming by giving him what he wanted.
Rob leaned forward in the chair, his forearms resting on his knees and his steely stare directed down the camera as he prepared to do business. Shivers played along Jessica’s spine. She knew how it felt to be the focus of his intense passion and her life was going to be colder without it. Without him.
‘At present, we are the only specialist children’s hospital in the UK without an MRI scanner. Unlike other procedures, an MRI scan is less invasive and exposes the patient to less radiation. Any child who requires a scan currently has to be transferred to the adult hospital, with some even forced to travel outside the country to receive one. An in-house scanner would cut waiting lists, diagnose patients quicker, and scans would take place in a familiar environment. The scanner will be completely funded by volunteers and we still have a long way to go to reach our target. We’ve undertaken bake sales, fun runs and all manner of sponsored events to raise money. These children deserve the very best healthcare we ca
n provide, so all donations are welcome. Every penny counts.’
If Rob’s impassioned plea didn’t get the general public to open their wallets, nothing would. She’d be sure to play it to her contacts too. There were several she knew who made considerable donations to charity every year to ease their consciences about the extravagant lifestyles they led.
‘I’ll make sure we put all of the details up at the end of each programme, so people can donate straight to the fund.’ Something more than bittersweet memories should come out of her time here.
‘Thank you.’ He was addressing her directly for the first time since they’d started the interview and she was grateful for the static camera when her hands began to tremble again. Every minute she spent here with him told her what a wonderful man he was and how much she would miss him. She had to get through this as quickly and efficiently as she could—wrap up the relationship along with the production and edit the highlights to air at a later date.
‘We’re on to the last couple of questions now. I know you have a lot of people to see.’
‘I’ll always make time for you, Jessica. Whatever you need, you only have to ask and I’ll do everything in my power to give it you.’
She couldn’t listen to those sorts of promises. They’d failed her once too often.
‘All I need is five more minutes,’ she said, deliberately misunderstanding his intentions.
Rob sighed and sat back in his chair. ‘Then you have them.’
Jessica experienced another surge of disappointed relief when he conceded so easily. Perhaps the devastation of the break-up would be more one-sided than she’d imagined. She was the one who was going to have trouble getting over this for a long time. In some ways it could be harder to pick herself up after Rob than it had been with Adam. He’d gradually chipped away at all the defences she’d built since her doomed engagement. Until she was here, vulnerable, hurting and with no way out but to end the best thing she’d had in her life for as long as she could remember.
