by Karin Baine
‘Okay, back to the day job. What would you say is the best part of what you do here?’ The faces of Max and Cal immediately popped into her head and the fantastic characters of the children she’d met in such a short space of time. There were definitely good memories to take away from here as well as the unhappy ones.
Rob’s serious expression gave way to his beautiful smile. ‘My favourite part of the job is definitely meeting all the characters on the ward. Despite what they’re going through, the children always brighten my day. We do have a lot of fun in between the treatments. Undoubtedly, when I’m able to tell families their child’s cancer is in remission it’s a relief for me as much as them. I’m here to make them better and that’s the outcome we all strive for. Oncology can also be an exciting field as we further our research and participate in new clinical trials. An estimated seventy-five to eighty per cent of children now survive cancer, thanks to the work that’s being done.’
‘And the most difficult part of the job?’ They both knew what that was. She hated having to make him go to that dark place but she needed the viewers to hear it and feel it from him. Not all of the patients would be as lucky as her. Lauren’s poor family had been able to take her home but in less happy circumstances.
‘The worst part is having to deliver bad news to the family. Having to tell a parent their child’s illness is incurable is something that stays with you for a long time. You’re effectively handing down a life sentence when you say the treatment isn’t working. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that sort of conversation. My four-year-old daughter died in a car accident, so I’m able to empathise a great deal with the families in those circumstances.’
Jessica paused filming until she was sure he was ready to share Mollie with the rest of the world. ‘You don’t have to—’
‘I want to. No more secrets.’ He waited until the camera was rolling before he spoke again. ‘Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can go through. It’s only possible to get through it with the love and support of those around you. I wouldn’t wish the pain I went through on anyone, which is why I’ll do everything I can to prevent other families suffering. There isn’t a day goes past when I don’t think about Mollie.’
Jessica’s vision blurred with tears when his voice cracked on his daughter’s name. This was such a huge step Rob was taking by confronting his past so publicly. She was sorry she couldn’t see it through to the end with him. He was moving forward but she’d remain frozen in time for ever. The only future she had now was her professional one.
She swiped the tears away with the back of her hand. ‘Thanks. I think I’ve got everything I need now.’
Those blue eyes stared back at her from the other side of the camera. They seemed to reach deep into her soul and see her lies.
* * *
‘Have you? What about us?’ Rob couldn’t understand the sudden drop in temperature between them. It seemed the more he opened up, the further Jessica withdrew. If he’d completely misread the bond they’d developed these past weeks together, he wanted to hear it from her.
‘We had fun. That’s all it was ever supposed to be.’ She casually packed up her things as if what they’d shared meant nothing to her. Rob knew that wasn’t true. Their relationship had stopped being casual when she’d stayed the night in his bed.
No longer content to sit and wait for her to validate their relationship, he got up from his chair and went to her. ‘That’s how it started but we both know it’s a lot more than that now. These last days without waking up next to you have been hell. After losing Leah and Mollie, I never thought I would want anyone in my life again but you’ve made me realise that’s exactly what I want. Maybe I’m wrong but I kinda got the impression you were happy being with me too.’
‘I was but it’s over, Rob. The job’s done and so are we. I’m glad you’re in a better place and I wish you all the best but I can’t be part of this new life.’ She turned and reached for the door handle but he couldn’t let her leave until he knew why. He placed his hand on top of hers in a plea for her to stay.
‘Talk to me, Jessica. One minute we’re inseparable and the next you’re waving me on my way as though we were nothing more than a holiday romance. Tell me what’s changed between us since Saturday. I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you by pouring my heart out about Mollie but I needed to do it to give us a chance. All I’m asking is that you do the same. I know we’re nowhere near the stage of discussing marriage and babies yet but at least I’m starting to see there’s a future waiting for me out there. I really want you to be—’
‘I can’t do this.’ Tears were streaming down Jessica’s face as she shook him off and ran out of the door.
Rob didn’t go after her when she clearly needed time out from him. He didn’t know what he’d done to upset her except say how much he cared about her. If she truly didn’t reciprocate those feelings, there would be no need for such an emotional reaction. There was pain in her eyes, sorrow in those tears, and he wanted to understand what was behind it. For the life of him, he couldn’t fathom why she was causing them both unnecessary hurt. Perhaps he’d been too wrapped up in his own problems to see she had her own. Jessica had helped him exorcise his demons and he’d be there for her too if she’d let him.
They had something worth fighting for and he wasn’t prepared to give up without finding out what was troubling her. If this was one of his cases at work, he would step back, assess the situation, find the source of the problem and treat it. He wouldn’t accept the end until all possibilities had been exhausted.
CHAPTER TEN
THE THUMPING ON the front door threatened to drag Jessica back to consciousness. She stuck her head back under the pillows and waited for it to stop. After the agonies of the day, all she wanted was to fall back into oblivion and forget everything.
Her desolate womb had cost her another chance at happiness. Even for Rob, the man she thought could love her, flaws and all, her infertility would’ve been a deal-breaker. Right up until today she’d held on to that scrap of hope that he’d take her in his arms and tell her it didn’t matter. In the end, she hadn’t needed to mention it. He’d made it clear how important having children again would be to him and left her in no doubt about where she stood—on the outside, looking in at Rob while he played happy families with someone else.
She sandwiched her face between the mattress and the pillows and let her tears fall. With any luck, she’d simply drown in her own misery instead of having to go through this again.
There was more knocking. Louder. She lifted the pillow so she could call out.
‘I’m not in!’
Whoever it was should really take the hint she wasn’t welcoming visitors today.
They didn’t.
‘For goodness’ sake!’ She was forced to throw the covers back and get out of bed to confront the orchestrator of her unwanted alarm call if she was to stand any chance of sleep. Reluctant to be parted from the only source of comfort available to her, Jessica shuffled to the front door with her duvet still wrapped around her body. She yanked the door open, ready to let rip at whoever it was disturbing her already fitful sleep, only to find a persistent Scottish doctor on her step.
‘I don’t want to talk.’ She instinctively tried to slam the door shut so she wouldn’t be forced to have the conversation she’d done her best to avoid so far.
Rob wedged his foot inside. ‘Well, I do. So stop being so bloody selfish and let me in.’
He wouldn’t budge, leaving them in a ridiculous stand-off, made all the more absurd with Jessica cocooned in her bedcovers. She gave in with a loud huff and grudgingly granted him permission to cross her threshold.
Her mood wasn’t further improved by how much better he looked coming off the late shift than she did. Bar some extra rugged stubble and his now wrinkled blue shirt, he was as ha
ndsome as ever. She, on the other hand, probably had mad bed hair, panda eyes, and was wearing her Super Sloth duvet cape.
‘I’ll keep this simple. There’s no future for us. As a couple, I mean. We still have a future, separately, with work, and, you know, breathing and stuff.’ She was rambling now but she hadn’t expected to see him again. He’d turned up right in the middle of her grieving process and set her back even further.
Walking out on him had already left a crater in her heart the size of the Giant’s Causeway. A void which no amount of casual affairs could ever fill. In some ways not having Rob in her life would be harder to come to terms with than no children. He wasn’t making it any easier for her by being here when she’d made the decision to walk away from him.
‘I don’t believe you.’ His you-know-you-want-me huskiness made her catch her breath.
No. No. No. It wouldn’t do to give in to her weakness for him when she was already at an all-time low.
‘Believe what you like. We’re over.’
Anyone would think this guy had never been dumped before. Looking at that magnificent physique filling her eyeline, she could see why he probably hadn’t. His refusal to let this matter go was simply prolonging her agony. All she was asking for was space to grieve this relationship so she could move on. Something he’d needed once too and an impossibility when he insisted on reminding her of what she was missing.
‘I don’t get to have a say?’
‘This isn’t about your ego. If it makes you feel any better, you can tell people you called it off.’ Jessica was a cornered cat, hissing and scratching trying to protect herself. She needed him out of her life, not close enough for her to feel his warmth and smell his aftershave.
‘I just want to know why.’
‘I’m sorry but, trust me, I’m saving us both from a lot more heartbreak further down the line.’ If he would only trust her judgement on this and let her go, he could find the woman who could give him everything he needed. And she could get back to something she had a chance of succeeding at.
‘Do you have a crystal ball? Unless you’ve developed psychic powers, you have no idea how things might pan out. You can’t tell me you don’t want this.’ He pulled her close with one arm around her waist and kissed her hard. His mouth crushed hers and he held her tight so she couldn’t get away.
This was her chance to deny him, prove she was immune. She tightened her lips into a line of resistance, but Rob didn’t stand down. He merely changed tactics. The hand restricting her movement now rested on the small of her back, the pressure on her lips eased as he skirted along her defence line.
She parted her lips for one more memory to cling to. As she lost herself in one last dizzying kiss, the rasp of his stubble on her skin vaguely registered. All she was doing now was opening up old wounds simply to satisfy her craving.
She turned her face away. ‘If you’re quite finished—’
Rob gripped her chin in his fingers and forced her to look at him. ‘I love you, Jessica.’
She swore her heart screamed, No!
The words every girl wanted to hear made her want to run. There was no air in the room. She couldn’t breathe.
First came love, second came possible marriage, third came a disappointed fiancé and a broken-hearted shell of a woman.
No, thanks. Been there, done that, got the tear-stained T-shirt.
‘You might think you do, Rob, but really I’m nothing more than your rebound girl, your link back to the real world with whom you’re mistaking lust for something more. You think you need to justify a sex life by concocting a fairy-tale romance to accompany it. Well, you don’t need it. We’re both consenting adults. You don’t need anyone’s permission to live your life the way you want.’ Ugh. She hated herself for patronising him so much but she couldn’t get sucked into this delusion for her own sake. A happy-ever-after was never going to be within her grasp.
‘I know our relationship this far hasn’t included talking about our feelings for each other but I’m leaving myself naked here. I’m being honest and I wish you would do the same. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.’
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same.’ The cruel lie burned her throat as it made its way to her lips.
Rob’s face scrunched into a mask of hurt. ‘Say it.’
‘I don’t love you.’
She confirmed her place in hell by denying the truth for a second time. Rob had gone through so much to get to this point and Jessica knew he would never have said those words to her on a whim. He thought he loved her but that was only because she hadn’t been straight with him. To someone whose entire family had been wiped out, losing the chance to have another would matter some day. It was better to finish this now before she was in too deep.
‘No? I would be more inclined to believe you if there weren’t tears in your eyes.’ Rob cradled her face in his hands so tenderly they fell all the more easily.
‘I’m tired. Someone interrupted my sleep.’
‘And I’ll let you get back to bed as soon as you tell me the truth.’
‘I don’t love you,’ she whispered, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him.
He brushed her tears and lies away with the pads of his thumbs. ‘I’m pretty sure crying when you’re dumping me invalidates that argument. For the record, you’re a terrible actress. Forget saying those words if that’s what’s freaking you out but I don’t see why we can’t keep on seeing each other. I know you’ll be moving on to the next job but it’s not as if we live at opposite ends of the country. Why throw something good away?’
She snapped her eyes open, forced to defend her actions. ‘We want different things. It would never work.’
‘What? One of us wants to sit around brooding over her deadbeat ex, and the other wants to seize another chance at happiness?’
‘You’re not being fair.’
Neither was she and the truth was the only way guaranteed to get him to back off.
‘I can’t have children, okay? We both know that’s a deal-breaker. Cancer and early menopause have pretty much ensured I will never be able to give you that replacement family you so desperately need.’
The great burden of her secret lifted from her shoulders to Rob’s. She no longer had to fight her way free as his arms fell to his sides and he let her go without a word.
There was no jubilation to be had from her verbal victory. All she’d done was prove her point. When it came down to matters of the heart, she was no use to anyone.
* * *
It took a moment for Rob to come to terms with the reason she’d been holding back. Of course he knew infertility was a possible side effect of prolonged and intensive chemotherapy but Jessica was such a force of nature he never thought of her as a cancer victim. She’d been doubly unlucky. If she’d been older when treatment had started, they could’ve taken steps to freeze her eggs so she would’ve still had the chance to be a mother one day.
‘I’m so sorry, Jessica.’ He’d been here a hundred times, offering sympathy to those whose lives had been destroyed by cancer and the words always seemed so inadequate.
Wrapped up in her comfort blanket, she looked very much the frightened child who’d probably gone through hell in those early years, but she’d come through it. Rob didn’t want her to ever be sorry she had, simply because it had cost her the chance to have children. Perhaps he’d been too open about the effect losing Mollie had had on him. It would be easy to interpret that as a desperate need to have another child but that wasn’t where his head was at right now.
‘Yeah, well, there you go. The truth is out there. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.’ She dropped her comforter and adopted her warrior pose—arms folded, lips pursed and defying him to love her.
‘Why would that make a difference
to how I feel about you? Do you really think I’m so shallow that I would stop loving you because of something you can’t give me? What about everything you have given me—friendship, understanding...love?’ He’d really messed up if she thought all he wanted was to replace Mollie. Jessica had given him so much by simply being there for him and he’d failed to do the same for her.
‘I’ve been through this before, remember? I know how it ends. I’ve spent the last four years picking up the pieces after the last guy I broke that news to. You have permission to go back on the market with a clear conscience. I don’t expect you to hang around and pretend we have a future when you have the pick of the fertile bunch out there. I’m sure there’ll be no end of broody women lining up to make chubby-cheeked babies with you.’
Clearly he wasn’t the only one having trouble letting go of the past. It hadn’t occurred to him that the walls around her heart were even taller than his.
‘Do you remember the conversation we had about me hating people telling me how I should feel and how I should act? Yeah, that. I don’t want anyone else but you.’
‘You say that now but when it comes down to it—’ She bit her lip and he could see the pain she was trying to keep at bay.
‘I’ll be there.’ He needed her to believe in him, and herself.
‘I’m such a catch. Remember, on top of my inability to conceive, there’s the double whammy that the cancer could always come back again. I wouldn’t inflict that on you when you’ve been through so much already.’ She seemed determined to put him off by putting up more imaginary barriers but she’d forgotten she was the one who’d taught him to live in the here and now.
‘I’d always had you down as a glass half full kind of girl, not glass half full of vinegar. Neither of us can base our futures on what-ifs. You’re here, you’re healthy, and that’s all that matters.’ And he loved her. If he was to take his own advice and stop focusing on the negatives in his life, he had to face up to the fact he was in love with a beautiful, smart woman who meant the world to him.
