The Wreck of Our Hearts

by Yajna Ramnath

  Dasher

  “Have you spoken to Aria yet?” Leo asked me.

  We sat in her office. She was long gone. I knew she preferred to work on nights when I did not play my sets because of all the attention I seemed to garner. I hated that she had to do that. I wished she could just put aside her insecurities and support me. Obviously, that was wishful thinking.

  “No,” I answered Leo. “I don’t know how she’s going to take it.”

  “Please don’t think that calling her from the plane is a good idea,” Leo snorted and sorted through his merchandising list.

  “I won’t be that selfish,” I sighed. “I don’t know how she’s going to take it though.”

  “I’d tread carefully. I overheard the girls talking a while back, seems the last relationship that fucked her up? It was a long distance one.”

  “Ah, fuck!” I gritted. “Of course, it was.”

  “You’re going to be gone for a month tops, right?” he raised his brow at me.

  "Yeah, but if I make it," I responded. "I will be traveling a lot more."

  We stayed quiet at that thought. I was on constant eggshells with Aria and that was creating all sorts of issues for me. My career always came first. There was no question about that, but Aria started to become a close second. I needed to find common ground with her.

  Although I knew she would support my dreams, I had no confidence that she would stay if things got tough.

  “What’s your advice?” I asked Leo. “As much as I hate to admit it, you have experienced her good and bad sides.”

  “I would say talk to her,” he shrugged. “Be honest with her instead of springing it on her last minute. Make her understand that this was something you were working on long before you met her, that way she doesn’t feel as if you knowingly chose to be away from her.”

  I nodded. “Why did you let her go that easy? Don’t give me the bullshit answer of not being emotionally ready.”

  Leo smiled wistfully. “I knew I wasn’t going to be the one who she wanted to be with. Even when she was with me, her eyes wandered to you. Even when she did not realize it, she behaved exactly like you. It was the night you walked in on us that I realized she wanted you. She flinched and pushed me away slightly when she saw your eyes on us.”

  My chest swelled with pride as I heard those words even while I felt like utter shit for the fact that my friend was attracted to the girl he could never have.

  “It seems like all I do is get advice on how to be a good boyfriend to her,” I shook my head. “You would think that I would have an idea dealing with a girlfriend after Paisley.”

  “Paisley was in your life at a time when you were too juvenile to care about having someone long term and at a time when your greatest tragedy hit.”

  I nodded. “Aria is someone I need to work hard at keeping in my life.”

  “So, have you admitted it yet?” Leo raised his brows.

  “Admitted what?”

  “That you’re in love with her.”

  I rolled my eyes and headed out for my set. The night was long, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The new clubs that I played at were astounding. I was used to Allure so when I was faced with bigger, more elite clubs, I was in heaven.

  By the time I reached home early hours of the morning, I was dog-tired, and face planted on the bed. During my sleep I felt a kiss on my forehead and I struggled to wake myself up, so I could say goodbye to her, but try as I might I couldn’t.

  My set that night was at seven at another club in the city, I woke up at around six to get ready. I strolled out hoping to catch Aria and have some quality time with her before I left, but I found a note on the counter saying she was having dinner with the girls.

  That was pretty much how our nights went for the rest of the week. When Monday rolled around I waited up for her till she came back from work. Today was the day I needed to speak to her about my impending leave.

  I prepared dinner for her. A lemon basted roast chicken and some green salad. I poured the wine as she stepped in dressed in her usual Allure uniform.

  “Honey I’m home,” she sang. She walked forward and looked at the spread and raised her brows. “Wow, this looks amazing.”

  “I figured we hadn’t seen each other in almost four days,” I shrugged, “thought I’d make you dinner.”

  "Thank you," she kissed me on my lips and then headed to the bathroom. She came out smelling like lavender and citrus. I liked the fact that she was in one of my t-shirts, DJ DASH interestingly across her breasts.

  “You look like you’re all mine,” I growled as I bit her neck and sucked on it, leaving a mark.

  “I am,” she agreed and took her place at the counter.

  I sat next to her and listened to her go on about the website idea she had.

  "I could set up a website where I list my services, prices, and even a portfolio," she smiled. "I could get permission from Piper and Leo to feature their rebranding."

  “I’m sure they’d be stoked about that,” I agreed. “It would give both of them the much-needed exposure.”

  “Two birds, one website,” she grinned.

  “Exactly.”

  We cleared out our plates and washed the dishes side by side. I poured her another glass of wine and then we sat on the sofa. She sipped her wine and laid her head back. She turned to me and her wide blue eyes were open and trusting.

  “Tell me.”

  I looked at her confused. “Tell you what?”

  “Whatever has been bothering you,” she smiled. “I know that evasive look, there’s something on your mind and you want to share it.”

  “You’ve never spoken about your heartbreak,” I trailed my finger around the shell of her ear.

  She stiffened but spoke either way. “I don’t really speak about it.”

  I sighed. I didn’t want to push. We’d end up in another argument and then I would feel like shit again.

  “Holden and I met over Facebook of all things,” she snorted. “I was attracted to his profile picture and added him. It started off innocent. I just wanted to get to know him. When I realized that he was from Washington and was studying in London, I knew that distance was going to be an issue.”

  I closed my eyes as Leo’s theory was confirmed.

  "I don't personally believe that long distance relationships don't work," she said. "I know that if two people really work at it, things would be okay. Anyway, I started getting addicted to speaking to him. Every morning, every night. Before I knew it, a year had passed."

  She closed her eyes.

  "He told me he was in love with me on New Year's Day. I believed him. I did not want to. I did not want to be anything more than friends with him, but I fell. I was so good at keeping my feelings to myself. Those three words though, it pulled out everything I had carefully crafted over the years. Eventually, we hit three years, he started acting differently. He would go days without speaking to me. He would make excuses for why we couldn't have telephone conversations, he would not even try to meet with me at the random times that he was in New York. What was much worse was the fact that he never acknowledged the fact that he was in my life."

  I slid my hand into hers and squeezed tightly.

  "I told everyone, my parents, and friends. Most of my friends continuously tried to steer me away from him. They introduced me to people who were better suited for me and on many occasions my mother warned me against him, but I didn't listen."

  “Last year, he suddenly went off on me about a random video that I shared. He called me attention seeking, dramatic and blindly optimistic and naïve. He made me feel like looking at the good side of things was a weakness. He made me feel small. He wanted to end things and I was surprisingly okay with that. My heart was broken but I was okay. Until he decided to tell me that he didn’t want to break up, he wanted to continue as we were and that we would see what happens once he completed his studies at the end of that year.”

  “What an asshole,” I gritted.


  “I tried to stay away from him,” she said. “I was evasive, and I even told him that he could move on. He told me I was his soulmate. He even continued to talk to me as normal. I think the part that hurt me was all the doubt. He was suddenly public with her. Everyone knew about them within four months of him ending things with me. The worst part was that he still flirted with me. He made me feel as if we were still a thing. So, when I was told to go on Facebook and see his relationship status, I was gutted. I played him, I told him I missed him, and the asshole told me he missed me too. Until I mentioned the fact that he moved on, then he changed his tune. I blocked and erased him from my life.”

  I sat in silence, lost for words. How did you deal with your girl having her heart ripped and her mind played the way hers was?

  “When I look back I realize that the pain wasn’t the fact that he left me,” she sighed. “The pain was from the fact that I spent so much time and invested so much of myself for nothing. I broke my heart over and over trying to suppress what I wanted and what I needed out of life, just to have him throw all of that away for the girl he wanted in the first place.”

  “Aria, I don’t want to be that clichéd dude, but it’s going to be okay,” I held her head to my chest and squeezed her tight. “We are going to be okay.”

  “Is that really what you wanted to talk to me about though?” she asked.

  I decided against bringing up my impending trip. Tonight, was not the night. “Nah, I really wondered why you hadn’t ever spoken to me about what went on with that guy.”

  “I know it doesn’t sound as bad as I behaved that it was—”

  “No pain is greater than the other, Aria.”

  Aria

  It happened like a battering ram to the head. I had not expected to be blindsided, not so soon. I sure as hell did not expect to be blindsided by Dasher whom I spilled my heart out to.

  I stared at the Facebook comments wishing him well for the DJ Competition held in Miami. I wrecked my brain trying hard to remember if there was any point where he told me about it. I came up with nothing. Nothing at all.

  I sat at the bar while he played his last set for the night. Leo noticed that something was off with me, but he wisely stayed away. Dasher kept throwing looks my way as he played his set. Me? I continued having multiple Mojitos.

  A random guy came up to me and tried to buy me a drink, one look from me sent him scurrying away.

  After his set, the club had the soft murmur of people milling about or hesitantly trying to approach him. He was having none of it. Instead, he packed up his equipment and then slid on the stool next to me.

  "What's up?" he asked with raised brows. I hated how handsome he looked with his disheveled dark hair, worried green eyes, and dimpled cheek. I had fun poking my finger into it just to annoy the shit out of him.

  “Nothing,” I smiled brightly. Too brightly. “I’m just so stoked to have read about your impending trip!”

  He folded his arms on the bar top and then laid his head on them, he tilted his head to the side and looked up at me from under his lashes. “Aria—”

  “I don’t want to be mad, Dasher,” I sighed and took another gulp of my self-destruct juice. “I want to support you and be happy for you, but by you choosing to make me the last person to know anything makes that really hard.”

  “I didn’t want you to think that this came about just after we got together,” he held my clenched fists in his hands. “I did not want to make you feel like you had to relive what went on with him.”

  I shook my head and slid my hands out from under his. “That’s the thing. While you tried to do what you thought was right, you did something even more hurtful. Do you know what it’s like going online and seeing that an important moment in your life is about to happen in a week, and I knew nothing about it?”

  “I can see that I did something wrong, Aria,” he clasped my face between his hands and forced me to look at him. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to have to choose between you and the thing I love.”

  I swallowed. Pain twisted my heart. Why couldn’t I also be what he loved? Why did it have to be one or the other?

  I stared at his resigned eyes. I knew what he expected. He expected another fight. Another meltdown. Another slamming-door please understand what I went through scene.

  We were never going to move past our insecurities or our issues if we continuously tiptoed around each other.

  I moved my hand and threaded my fingers through his thick dark-hair and pulled him to me. I fused my mouth to his in a deep kiss that caught him off guard, until his hands dropped from my face and gripped at my waist. I sucked on his plump bottom lip and then looked directly into his eyes.

  “Don’t let me be the last to know, okay?”

  Dasher looked confused and happy all at the same time. “So, we’re good?”

  “We are,” I nodded with a smile. “Now, let’s get home so you can tell me all about it.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Aria

  The last week with Dasher flew by faster than I imagined. In the beginning, the feelings were of excitement then came sadness and finally, desperation. I was desperate because I needed to keep Dasher in my life. I know it sounds needy, but I had come to need him. My emotional state made me someone who needed to be loved and wanted.

  The night before he was due to leave, Leo had a party at the club. Olivia and Katya sat with me at one of the tables. The mood was somber. They knew I was going to break down or worse.

  “You will be okay,” Olivia implored, her soulful eyes tried to convince me of that fact.

  “You have gone through much worse,” Katya touched my hand. “And you also know that you have both of us when you need us.”

  I smiled weakly. My t-shirt felt a little tight at my throat. “I know. I hate that I am making this about me, especially since it’s something that is so important to him.”

  I watched as Dasher occasionally beamed with excitement and then suddenly catch himself and send a covert glance my way. I hated myself at that moment. He was about to enter the competition of a lifetime. He was about to embark on a journey that would make him something more than he already was.

  I grabbed my martini and stood. “Guys,” I shouted.

  Everyone, including Dasher, turned to look at me. I could see the worry on their faces and I almost folded into myself. Was I really that type of where my friends and boyfriend had to worry about how I would react?

  “So, we’re all here today to celebrate something amazing,” I grinned at Dasher. “DJ Dash here is going to make us all proud.”

  Clay and Parker cheered from their corner.

  "I remember when I first heard that Dasher was a deejay, I wasn't so interested in what went on behind it," I admitted. "I believed it was exactly what other people said it was. I believed that deejays lived the high life filled with women, booze, and money."

  Leo screamed boo from the other side of the bar.

  “I know right?” I tsked. “However, as I got to know more about this incredible man, I also got to understand the true talent behind the art of making music.”

  I walked towards Dasher who had a huge smile on his face. “I learned from him that it was just about playing music for a bunch of people to dance to, I learned that it was about creating an atmosphere for people to forget their troubles and to let go of all inhibitions. I realized that it was like a drug.”

  I reached him and took his hand in mine as I looked directly at him. “I am so proud of you and cannot wait to see the amazing things you do. We will miss you for these next couple of weeks but we cannot think of a better experience for you to have. Win or lose, babe, you’re my number one deejay.”

  Our little crowd of friend cheered as I placed a chaste kiss on his lips and pulled away. He looked up at me with such deep emotion that I wished it was just him and I alone. Judging from the way his eyes narrowed, I had no doubt that he knew what I was thinking.

 
We celebrated way into the night until we finally stumbled home. Dasher had said his goodbyes to his friends and to Olivia and Katya, warning them to watch my back while he was gone. It was sweet really.

  We took turns heading into the bathroom. When I was done, I knew it was our last night together for the next couple of weeks. I knew that tonight had to be special. It had to be something we could both remember.

  I wrapped the towel around my wet body and padded out of the bathroom straight into his bedroom. His had the lampshade on which cast a dim light over the room. His music was on low and it played a soft low song about wrecked hearts and picking up the pieces, it was such an apt song for our situation and how we came together.

  Dasher walked towards me slowly, naked as the day he was born. He looked majestic and every bit the handsome man I saw the day I found him in the car.

  He ran the backs of his hand along my cheek. “You surprised me today, princess.”

  I smiled. “I want you to know that I am sorry if I ever put you in a situation where you felt like you couldn’t share your ups and downs with me. I’m sorry that you had to contain your excitement all this time. I’m sorry that you went through this all alone.”

  He held me like he always did, my face between his large palms and pressed a long kiss on my lips. "You've come to mean so much to me, Aria. So much."

  At that moment I knew that we felt so much more for each other. So much more than we could express.

  Dasher bent down and wrapped his arms around my thighs and hoisted me up. I laughed full and loud as he dropped me onto his bed. I bounced once or twice before I felt the weight of him on top of me.

  “You are so beautiful,” he whispered. I felt warm in this embrace, his hot body heating up my own. “I am so glad you found me that day.”

  "So am I," I grinned and lifted my head to kiss him.

  The song ended and started again.

  “Why do you have this on repeat?” I asked as he continued to track every feature on my face.