Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  Locate the dart.

  6 Remove the cloth and check the wound.

  If blood continues to spurt, apply a new, clean cloth, elevate, and apply pressure for 15 additional minutes. Change the cloth as needed. For persistent oozing, apply pressure for 30 minutes.

  7 Examine the wound.

  Once the wound has stopped spurting, check the injury site, wiping away any seeping blood.

  8 Rinse.

  When the bleeding has stopped or slowed, gently rinse the wound under cool tap water.

  9 Bandage.

  Cover with a large, sterile dressing.

  10 Clean the dart.

  Rinse the dart under hot tap water, then wipe thoroughly with rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol.

  11 Remove the victim from the field of play.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A BUNGEE CORD BREAK

  The bungee cord is under maximum stress at the very bottom of your jump, before you rebound; it is at this point that a break is most likely. If you are over water and the cord breaks or comes loose, you will be falling headfirst and have about two seconds to prepare for impact.

  1 Straighten your legs and body.

  Put your feet and legs together, and point your toes.

  2 Tuck your chin into your chest as far as it will go.

  Avoid the urge to look down: it will result in black eyes, whiplash, or severe spinal trauma.

  3 Point your arms below your head in a diving position. Ball your fists.

  4 Enter the water fists-first.

  Your hands will break the surface tension of the water, putting less stress on your head. If the bungee cord was attached and broke at your rebound point, it will have slowed you almost to a stop, making for a relatively safe entry. If the cord was not attached or came loose during your fall, the impact will be more severe.

  5 Spread your arms and legs.

  On entering the water, spread your arms and legs to slow your momentum and reduce the chance of hitting the bottom.

  6 Swim to the surface.

  Signal to the crew above that you are okay.

  WARNING!

  Bungee cords are weight-specific, and you should always jump on a cord designed for your weight. Always overestimate, not underestimate, your weight.

  Enter the water fists-first.

  DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS

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  Laugh at your boss’s jokes.

  HOW TO FLATTER AN INSECURE BOSS

  Sit next to your boss.

  Loudly agree with your boss’s statements.

  Enthusiastically say “yes” to each of her suggestions and ideas. Vary your expressions of agreement to include: “I agree,” “I totally agree,” “I completely agree,” and “I couldn’t agree more.” After your boss completes a declarative statement, add the word “obviously.”

  Silently affirm your boss’s statements.

  Constantly nod as your boss speaks. Smile and chuckle quietly to yourself to express how much you completely agree with what is being said. Write down everything your boss says.

  Duplicate your boss’s food order.

  When someone is taking sandwich orders, wait until after your boss has made her order, and then say “Ditto,” “The same,” or “Sounds good.”

  Laugh at your boss’s jokes.

  Watch your boss’s body language for signs that what she is saying is meant to be humorous, such as raised eyebrows and teeth showing. Only laugh if you are sure that what your boss is saying is meant to be a joke.

  Take your boss’s side in arguments.

  When other people continue to disagree with her, roll your eyes and shush them.

  Ask your boss for advice.

  During breaks in the meeting, ask her for counsel on work issues. Write down each piece of advice and thank her profusely. During subsequent conversations, ask for advice on nonwork issues, such as romance, fashion, and family relationships.

  Offhandedly compliment your boss as you exit the meeting.

  As the meeting breaks up, position yourself near the doorway as your boss passes by. Remark to a coworker how enlightening/exciting you found the meeting to be. Place your compliments within a larger pattern. Make statements such as “Wow! Another great meeting from [boss’s name].”

  HOW TO DEAL WITH MEDDLING PARENTS

  1 Prepare yourself mentally.

  Try to maintain a positive attitude no matter what your parents may say.

  2 If your parents give unwanted or annoying advice, be polite and attempt to change the subject.

  Thank them for their concern. Say “I appreciate your advice, but I’d really rather talk about [insert new subject here].”

  3 Avoid confrontation.

  Never respond to a meddling parent with phrases that include “you always,” “you never,” or “leave it alone.” Suggest discussing the issue at another time. If you are a guest in someone else’s home, confrontation should be avoided at all costs.

  4 Smother the conversation with kindness.

  Always counter a negative remark with a positive one. If your parent says, “Your house really needs painting,” counter with, “This house is in such a great neighborhood. Isn’t that great for the kids!” If your parent says, “When are you going to get a real job?” counter with, “I’m making great progress on my novel!”

  5 Do not discuss money in public.

  How much things cost and financial success are attractive topics for a meddling parent. These are inappropriate subjects for group conversation, however. Do not get angry; deflect the inquiry. If a question about money is asked, say, “I can’t remember what we paid” or “We’re just thankful for what we have.”

  6 Avoid taking the bait.

  If a meddling parent keeps mentioning how well other people are doing compared with you—how important a job, how many children, how big a house—or makes other implicitly critical comparisons, just say, “That’s wonderful.”

  7 Ask for their advice about a less irritating topic.

  Meddling parents often simply want to be asked for their opinions. Seeking their thoughts on a less important subject or even on a made-up problem may placate them or distract them from sensitive issues (ask for their input on remodeling the kitchen, for example, even if you are not intending to do so).

  8 If the meddling parent will not relent, excuse yourself from the conversation.

  Casually excuse yourself (do not say, “I can’t listen to this anymore!”) and move to another room. For example, finish your drink and say, “I need to get a refill” (do not offer to get your parent one); or say, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom” or “I have to make a phone call” or “I promised I would help in the kitchen.” Do not make any promises to come right back.

  WARNING!

  It is best to preempt meddling parents by announcing lots of news before their arrival. Phone or e-mail the week before with updates, keeping the news positive and upbeat.

  Remember that you do not have to answer every question. Practice nonresponses or evasive responses, such as “Do you really think so?” or “That’s an interesting question. Let me think about it.” In front of a mirror, practice the blank stare.

  HOW TO DATE THREE PEOPLE AT ONCE

  Assign them the same nickname.

  Call them all “honey” or “sweetie” or “pumpkin” so that you do not accidentally use the wrong name with the wrong person. It also helps if you discuss the same topics and pick the same song as “our song.”

  Keep to a schedule.

  See them only on their assigned day—Mary every Thursday, Emily every Friday, and Jenny every Saturday. They will see you as highly disciplined and will not expect to monopolize your time.

  Most Stressful Relationships

  1. With spouse/partner

  2. With boss/manager

  3. With food

  4. With money

  Select three different favorite bars, activities, or restaurants.

  A special place for each r
educes your chances of running into another date. Look for dimly lit locations.

  Be vague.

  Provide few details to each date about your whereabouts during nondate evenings. Offer ambiguous responses like “I wish I had time to see you more often, too.”

  Keep your cell phone out of other people’s hands.

  For additional protection, use initials, not names or nicknames, to identify your contacts. Erase text messages as soon as you read or send them.

  Advise your roommate to say as little as possible.

  Explain your situation and ask for cooperation. Tell your roommate to say only “Nice to see you” when he sees one of your dates. He should avoid “Nice to meet you” or “Nice to see you again,” since he may be easily confused about whom he is talking to.

  Do not place photographs around your room.

  The fewer things and people to explain, the better. Also remove stuffed animals, flowers, cards, mix CDs, or anything that might look like a romantic gift.

  Tell everyone that you have a large family.

  Prepare for the time when you will be spotted with another date. If asked later whom you were with, you can say she was your cousin.

  Refer to several part-time jobs.

  Say that you are sorry to be so unavailable because you are always working. Mention that you are saving all the money you are earning so that you don’t build expectations about gifts or expensive dates.

  Do not boast.

  Aside from your roommate, keep any mention of the simultaneous relationships to yourself. The more people you tell about your multiple assignations, the more likely it is that you will be discovered.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH NIGHTMARE CUSTOMERS

  Irate Retail Customer

  1 Watch for warning signs.

  A customer will usually display several “buildup” physical cues before becoming irate. Look for clenching of the hands, locking of the knees, crossing of the arms, rolling of the eyes, and leaning in toward you to reduce the amount of personal space between you.

  2 Listen, listen, listen.

  The customer will raise his voice and become demanding, and may begin assessing blame, claiming victimhood, threatening to report you, and insisting on satisfaction. Let him rant—interrupting or defending your actions during the rant will only exacerbate the problem.

  3 Do not mimic the posture or volume of the irate patron.

  Avoid leaning in, but do not lean away, either: moving away indicates that you are becoming defensive. Maintain a placid, neutral position.

  4 Stay loose.

  Keep your weight evenly distributed on both feet. Breathe deeply and exhale slowly.

  5 Speak softly.

  Wait until the customer is finished speaking, then speak calmly. Never state that the customer is angry or upset. Instead, say, “I recognize that you are raising your voice. What is it you need me to do? What is it you need the store to do?” Anger results from unmet needs, so try your best to solve the problem.

  6 Send a clear message and offer a clear resolution.

  Say, “My commitment is to a quick, successful resolution of this problem.” Offer an exchange, a return, or a new item according to your company’s policies. If you are unable to provide a satisfactory solution, ask a manager for help.

  7 Apologize.

  Before you find a manager, say, “I am sorry we were unable to help you today. I do hope that you will come back to shop at our store again.”

  Abusive Restaurant Patron

  1 Listen.

  Allow the customer to explain what is wrong. If he begins yelling or using foul language, do not respond in kind.

  2 Do not argue.

  If the customer complains that the food is a funny color, that the bread is stale, or that the coffee tastes of detergent, do not respond by saying, “It looks/tastes okay to me!” Never taste a customer’s food.

  Remain calm.

  3 Observe the customer.

  If the customer stands up angrily, moves in close, or begins gesticulating wildly, move away and quietly ask him to lower his voice. If he refuses, or if he starts poking or grabbing the food, ask him to leave.

  4 Observe the room.

  Quickly check the room to see if other diners are being disturbed. If you notice turned heads or whispering, contact the manager immediately to deal with the other customers or to back you up with yours.

  5 Placate.

  Keep your tone even and your volume low. If a dish is unsatisfactory, offer to take it back and provide the customer with another selection. If his dinner arrived late or cold, offer to remove it from the bill.

  6 Check back.

  Once the problem is resolved, check back with the customer to make certain that everything is acceptable. Do not check more than once. Consider offering a dessert or after-dinner drink “on the house.”

  WARNING!

  Watch for a setup. A customer may eat and complain in hopes of getting a complimentary meal. If a customer returns to the restaurant to dine and complains again, alert the manager, and consider asking the customer to leave and not return.

  Avoid physical confrontation with customers, particularly if the tables in the restaurant are close together.

  DATING

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  HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU WAKE UP NEXT TO SOMEONE AND DON’T REMEMBER THEIR NAME

  At Their Place

  1 Do not panic.

  Evidence of your partner’s name exists somewhere nearby. Your task will be to find it before she awakens, or before she starts any sort of meaningful conversation.

  2 Get up and go to the bathroom.

  The bathroom is a normal place to visit first thing in the morning, and it is also a place where you might discover her name.

  3 Look through the medicine cabinet for prescription medicines with her name on the label.

  4 Sort through magazines, looking for subscription labels with her name and address.

  5 Go through a wastebasket to find discarded junk mail addressed to her.

  6 Return to the bedroom.

  If she is awake, ask her to make coffee for you. Use the time alone to search the bedroom for evidence. Look for: wallet, checkbook, ID or name bracelet, photo album, scrapbook, business cards (a stack of cards, not just one), or luggage labels. If she is sleeping, look for these and other items throughout the house.

  WARNING!

  Try to find at least two items with the same name to be certain that you have identified her, unless the name on one item rings a bell.

  At Your Place

  1 Use terms of endearment when addressing her.

  Do not guess at her name. Acceptable terms of endearment are

  Honey/Sweetie/Cutie

  Darling/Baby/Sugar

  Beautiful/Handsome/Gorgeous

  2 Unless you are certain that you have ample time, do not go through her belongings.

  If your partner is showering, you can count on having at least a few minutes of privacy to search through her belongings. Otherwise, do not risk it—it would be far more embarrassing to be caught searching through her possessions than to admit that you cannot remember her name. (She may be in the same predicament.)

  Look through medicine cabinets for prescription medicines with your dates name on the label.

  3 Ask leading questions while making small talk.

  Fishing for information is risky and can backfire by calling attention to what you are trying to do. However, if you feel you can pull it off, try to trick her into revealing her name:

  While getting dressed, pull out your own ID and ask her if she thinks that your hair is better now or in the picture. Laugh about how silly you used to look. Ask her if she likes the picture on her license. (She may think that you are checking her age.)

  Ask her if she ever had a nickname. She might say, “No, just [Name].”

  Ask her how she got her name.

  4 As she is leaving, give her your business card and ask for hers.


  If she does not have a business card, ask her to write her vital information on yours. Tell her you may want to send her a little surprise. Do not forget to send something later in the week, and make sure that you spell her name correctly.

  HOW TO SPOT A FAKE

  Breast Implants

  1 Remember: if they look too good to be true, they prob ably are.

  If a woman is over 30 and her breasts defy gravity without a bra, or she has a strikingly full and firm upper cleavage and bosom, chances are her breasts are not fully natural. You should also be suspicious of breasts that sit very high on a woman’s chest; this is another good sign of implants.

  2 Assess breast size as compared with frame size.

  Most, though not all, petite women have naturally small breasts.

  3 Be suspicious of baseball-shaped breasts or strangely arranged breasts.

  In cases of a poor augmentation, the outline of the implant may be noticeable, or the breast may have a very firm, round, baseball-like appearance. Poorly placed implants can often be seen through tight tops. While a good augmentation procedure can be difficult to detect by visual inspection alone, a bad one is quite noticeable.

  If a woman is over 30 and has strikingly full breasts that sit very high on her chest, you have reason to be suspicious.

  4 Check cleavage for rippling of the skin.

  Implants may ripple in the cleavage or on top of the breasts; look for a wave pattern across the surface. Natural breasts, even very large breasts, although soft, will never have a rippled appearance.