Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

by David Borgenicht

  5 If appropriate, brush up against or hug someone with suspected breast implants.

  If her breasts feel firmer than normal, implants may be in use.

  6 Check under and around the breast for scarring.

  In an intimate situation, the opportunity may arise for a closer visual and tactile inspection. Look for scarring under the breasts, around the nipple, and in the armpit area.

  Toupees

  1 Look for uneven hair texture.

  Since toupees do not cover the entire scalp the way a wig does, there will always be a place where the real hair meets the purchased hairpiece. Generally, men who wear toupees have thinning hair, so look for a patch of thick hair surrounded by areas with thinner coverage.

  2 Beware of an abnormally thick patch of hair on the top of the scalp.

  Toupees are very thick in order to effectively cover the nylon or fabric cap that is attached to the scalp.

  3 Watch for inconsistent coloring.

  Toupees generally do not perfectly match the color of the hair surrounding them. A very dark area of hair surrounded by thinner, lighter hair may indicate a toupee.

  4 Note any shifting of hair on the scalp.

  Toupees are usually attached to the scalp with wig tape or special adhesive, which can come loose, especially during high winds or excessive perspiration. A patch of hair that has moved or is out of place is a sure sign of a toupee.

  5 Test your theory.

  Reach for your date’s head, saying, “You’ve got something in your hair.” If he reacts quickly to stop you from touching his hair, you may have found a toupee.

  BE AWARE!

  Many men with thinning hair choose hair plugs, which are hair follicles that have been surgically implanted in the scalp. Lots of small bumps that resemble knots at the base of the hair shafts are a good indicator of hair plugs.

  Assume the “pickup screen” position by wedging yourself between the suitor and your date, with your back to the suitor. Try to block the suitor’s path of vision.

  HOW TO FEND OFF COMPETITORS

  1 Evaluate the situation.

  Is your date paying more attention to the interloper than to you? Do you want to continue dating this person? How big is the interloper?

  2 Determine the seriousness of the offense.

  Is it a passing rude drunk, a persistent boor, or someone seriously interested in leaving with your date?

  3 Stand your ground.

  Put your arms around your date, whisper in her ear, and kiss and caress her. Show the suitor that your date is enamored with you, and you with her.

  4 Place yourself in the “pickup screen” position.

  Wedge yourself between the suitor and your date, with your back to the suitor. Try to block the suitor’s path of vision.

  5 Ask the interloper to stop.

  Politely but firmly explain that you are trying to have a conversation with your date and that you would both prefer to be left alone. If the suitor persists, use humor or sarcasm to diffuse the situation. Tell him that you can offer him a few phone numbers, or tell him that tonight she’s taken, but you will let him know when she’s available.

  6 Ask your date to tell the suitor to back off.

  Your date should tell him that she’s flattered but not interested.

  7 Try to leave.

  If given the choice, choose flight over fight. Suggest to your date that you both move to a table or go to a new establishment. A fight generally doesn’t make the evening go any better.

  Good Signs/Bad Signs Body Language

  GOOD SIGNS WHAT THEY MEAN

  Leans in receptiveness

  Legs slightly apart attraction

  Makes good eye contact sincerity

  Matches your breathing a meeting of the minds

  Moves when you do a good match

  Holds palms open receptiveness, an invitation

  Parts lips desire

  Smiles with crow’s-feet genuine amusement, attraction

  Touches face, cheek interest, attraction

  Touches you desire, attraction

  Twirls hair attraction, flirtation

  Unbuttons jacket or shirt comfort, interest

  BAD SIGNS WHAT THEY MEAN

  Clenches jaw impatience, anger

  Crosses legs or arms defensiveness

  Holds finger to chin or lips evaluation, criticism

  Looks around disinterest, boredom

  Looks away insincerity

  Nods too much disinterest, short attention span

  Rubs neck or head impatience, frustration

  Rubs nose or eyes dismissal, readiness to move on

  Shifts weight uncertainty, nervousness

  Shoves hands in pockets feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, disinterest

  Slouches boredom, disinterest

  Smiles without crow’s-feet an attempt to look happy

  BREAKING UP

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  * * *

  HOW TO LIVE WITH AN EX UNTIL ONE OF YOU MOVES OUT

  Divide the apartment.

  Affix tape to the floor. Move all belongings to the appropriate side. Hang drapes or sheets around your space to create the feeling of separate rooms.

  Arrange a board in the center of the bed. Divide pillows evenly.

  Label food.

  Declare certain cabinets off-limits. Claim sides of the refrigerator.

  Cut your couple pictures in half.

  Return to appropriate parties.

  Divvy up antidepressants in the medicine cabinet.

  Schedule custody of the shared pet.

  Draw up a timetable that clearly outlines when each of you is allotted time with Spot.

  Arrange for two entrances.

  Take turns entering and exiting the apartment through the fire escape.

  Communicate via sticky notes or texts.

  HOW TO FEND OFF AN OBSESSIVE EX

  1 Make your rejection final and firm.

  Do not give your ex a chance to manipulate or negotiate. Refuse all offers for dates, favors, and “friendly meetings.” Express your wish to be left alone. Make sure your body language sends the same message. Do not touch during the rejection, but look your ex firmly in the eyes.

  2 Do not discuss the past.

  Never mention the good times you had together. Instead, speak enthusiastically about how happy you are now, and make it clear that you have moved on with your life.

  3 Immediately sever all ties.

  Return all of your ex’s belongings (including any gifts to you) in one shipment. Do not prolong the process. If your ex continues to call, get a new, unlisted phone number. Do not call or send cards, letters, or e-mails; these will result in a mixed message and may give your ex hope of reconciliation.

  Divide the apartment to create the feeling of separate rooms.

  4 If your ex will not leave you alone, sound a warning.

  At the first sign that your ex is not listening to you, announce that if the unwanted behavior persists, you will take action. Threaten to contact the authorities, and be prepared to do so. Do not give in to any threats that may come your way. Be ready to secure a restraining order or civil protection order if it becomes necessary for your peace of mind.

  5 Inform your family, friends, and coworkers about the situation.

  Having larger, stronger friends around may serve as a deterrent.

  6 Keep a paper trail.

  You may need evidence later. Save any relevant letters, notes, e-mails, and voicemails—anything that can prove unwanted attention. Maintain a log or diary of your ex’s actions, and report any unlawful behavior to the police immediately. Report phone calls from your ex to both the phone company and the police. Write down your caller ID log, if you have one.

  7 Inform the authorities.

  Do not let fear of retribution stop you from taking action. If your ex persists in contacting you, becomes easily enraged by your rejections, is overly interested in your private life, or shows up in unexpected lo
cations, he or she has become a stalker. Take legal action immediately and obtain a restraining order.

  8 Move.

  Make sure that your new address is unlisted. Contact the department of motor vehicles and the voter registration bureau to have them block your address. Forward your mail to a P.O. box, and do not accept any packages unless you are certain who sent them.

  HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU RUN INTO YOUR EX

  Running into your ex at a party can be problematic for many reasons: lingering affection, pain over being dumped, unresolved emotions, passionate memories, or poor selection of your current date.

  1 Do not avert your gaze.

  Look him in the eye and smile. Shying away from eye contact only diminishes your power. Keep someone’s gaze and you keep control.

  2 Be nice.

  3 Do not sit.

  Do not let yourself get stuck in a corner or on a couch with your ex. Remain standing and be ready to move.

  4 Take charge of the conversation.

  Start by mentioning something that you noticed earlier in the day. This keeps the dialogue fresh and superficial and in your control, and helps you to avoid complimenting or talking about the ex. Be upbeat—enthusiasm is a handy tool. Breezing by someone indicates that you are not fazed or upset.

  5 Introduce your date, and send clear signals that this is who you are with now.

  Touch your date as you converse with your ex, making it clear that you have moved on.

  Breakup Texts

  4GET IT

  TTYN

  C U NVR

  ITS OVR

  H8 U

  MOVD ON

  UR DUMPT

  U & I R DUN

  NO LUV U

  NO MO

  BEAT IT

  U SUK

  U R NOW EX

  6 Keep your conversation short and sweet.

  Tell your ex that you are “meeting friends” but that it was nice to see him. Or tug your date’s arm and say, “Oh look, there’s Sally. I want you to meet her.”

  7 Move on.

  HOW TO REGAIN YOUR CONFIDENCE

  Hang a small mirror in a location you walk past often.

  Post affirmations such as “I am special,” “I am unique,” or “I am the best me I can be” around the mirror. Every time you walk past the mirror, smile at your reflection and recite the affirmations out loud.

  Write down compliments you receive.

  Place them in a jar. The next time you are feeling worthless, take out a compliment and read it aloud.

  Call your mother.

  Tell her you are feeling down in the dumps.

  Adopt a mantra.

  Recite a positive mantra to yourself every morning before you begin your day.

  Strut past a construction site.

  Put on a skirt or dress and high heels. Apply red lipstick. Style your hair. Choose a heavily trafficked construction site to walk past. Sway your hips. Smile. Stop and ask the workers for directions.

  Make a list of all the people who have ever had a crush on you.

  Exercise.

  Release endorphins and boost your mood by exercising for at least 20 minutes every day.

  Eat spicy food.

  Hot foods also release endorphins.

  Join a group or club.

  Surround yourself with positive people who enjoy doing similar activities. Open yourself up to meeting new people.

  Volunteer.

  Helping out others who may be in difficult situations themselves will provide perspective on your situation. It can be reassuring to see people worse off than you are.

  Try a new hobby.

  Plant a garden, learn a new language, go skydiving, or learn how to play the guitar.

  Get glamorous.

  Have your hair, makeup, and nails done. Accentuate a favorite feature. Have professional photographs taken.

  FIGHTS

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  * * *

  HOW TO WIN A SWORD FIGHT

  How to Defect and Counter a Blow

  1 Step up and into the blow, with your arms held against your body.

  React quickly and against your instincts, which will tell you to move back and away. By moving closer, you can cut off a blow’s power. Avoid extending your arms, which would make your own counterblow less powerful.

  2 Push or “punch” at the blow instead of simply trying to absorb it with your own sword.

  If a blow is aimed at your head, move your sword completely parallel to the ground and above your head. Block with the center of your sword, not the end. Always move out toward your opponent, even if you are defending and not attacking.

  How to Attack

  1 Move the sword in steady, quick blows up and down and to the left and right.

  Assuming you must disable your attacker, do not try to stab with your sword. A stabbing motion will put you off balance and will leave your sword far out in front of you, making you vulnerable to a counterblow.

  2 Do not raise the sword up behind your head to attempt a huge blow—you will end up with a sword in your gut.

  3 Hold your position, punch out to defend, and strike quickly.

  4 Wait for your attacker to make a mistake.

  Stepping into a blow or deflecting it to the side will put her off balance. Once your opponent is off balance, you can take advantage of her moment of weakness by landing a disabling blow, remembering not to jab with your sword but to strike up and down or from side to side.

  WARNING!

  Always keep your sword in the “ready” position—held in front of you with both hands and perpendicular to the ground. With this method, you can move the sword side to side and up and down easily, blocking and landing blows in all directions by moving your arms. Hold the tip of the sword at a bit of an angle, with the tip pointed slightly toward your opponent. Picture a doorway—you should be able to move your sword in any direction and quickly hit any edge of the door frame.

  If a blow is aimed at your head, move your sword parallel to the ground and above you.

  Wait for your attacker to make a mistake. Deflecting a blow to the side will throw your opponent off.

  HOW TO TAKE A PUNCH

  A Blow to the Body

  1 Tighten your stomach muscles.

  A body blow to the gut (solar plexus) can damage organs and kill. This sort of punch is one of the best and easiest ways to knock someone out. (Harry Houdini died from an unexpected blow to the abdomen.)

  2 Do not suck in your stomach if you expect that a punch is imminent.

  3 If possible, shift slightly so that the blow hits your side, but do not flinch or move away from the punch.

  Try to absorb the blow with your obliques: this is the set of muscles on your side that wraps around your ribs. While a blow to this area may crack a rib, it is less likely to do damage to internal organs.

  A Roundhouse Punch

  1 Clench your jaw.

  A punch to the ear causes great pain and can break your jaw.

  2 Move in close to your attacker.

  Try to make the punch land harmlessly behind your head.

  3 (optional) Hit back with an uppercut.

  A Straight Punch

  1 The straight punch—one that comes straight at your face—should be countered by moving toward the blow.

  This will take force from the blow.

  2 A punch can be absorbed most effectively and with the least injury by the forehead.

  Avoid taking the punch in the nose, which is extremely painful.

  3 Attempt to deflect the blow with an arm.

  Moving into the punch may result in your attacker’s missing the mark wide to either side.

  4 (optional) Hit back with an uppercut or roundhouse.

  An Uppercut

  1 Clench your neck and jaw.

  An uppercut can cause much damage, whipping your head back, easily breaking your jaw or your nose.

  2 Use your arm to absorb some of the impact or deflect the blow to the side—anything to mini
mize the impact of a straight punch to the jaw.

  3 Do not step into this punch.

  If possible, move your head to the side.

  4 (optional) Hit back with a straight punch to the face or with an uppercut of your own.

  A Blow to the Head

  1 Move toward the blow, not away from it.

  Getting punched while moving backward will result in the head taking the punch at full force. A punch to the face can cause head whipping, where the brain moves suddenly inside the skull, and may result in severe injury or death.

  2 Tighten your neck muscles and clench your jaw to avoid scraping of the upper and lower palates.

  HOW TO BREAK UP A CAT FIGHT

  1 Identify the aggressor.

  Look for the cat that is on top of the other one. This is the aggressor.

  2 Scold the aggressor.

  In a loud voice, yell “NO!” “STOP!” or “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and the aggressor’s name.

  3 Make loud noises.

  Clap your hands, stomp your feet, or bang two pot lids together.

  4 Physically separate the cats.

  Use a long-handled implement such as a mop or broom, to nudge the cats apart. If the fight is happening outside, throw water or turn a hose on them.

  5 Scruff the aggressor cat.

  Grasp the aggressor cat by the loose skin at the back of his neck. Remove him from the other cat and push him toward the floor with firm but gentle pressure. Hiss loudly. While the aggressor is being scruffed, allow the victim cat to flee the area.