Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
Page 20
6 Keep the cats apart.
Separate the aggressor and victim cat for one hour. If aggressive behavior resumes, establish a “safe room” for the aggressor and reintroduce the cats to each other over a weeklong period.
WARNING!
Do not get in the middle of a cat fight and try to pry the cats apart with your hands. The cats will instinctively treat you as another combatant.
Play fighting is a part of a healthy cat’s social life and needn’t be discouraged. If the cats are frequently switching roles (one chasing, the other being chased; one pouncing, the other acting as “prey”) and neither cat is hissing or showing teeth, do not intervene.
Use a long-handled broom to nudge the cats apart. Throw water or turn a hose on them.
Have one person make fresh snowballs while another keeps an eye on the enemy.
HOW TO WIN A SNOWBALL FIGHT
1 Test the snow.
Stick a twig, chopstick, or thin utensil in the snow and pull it out quickly to determine the packing consistency. It should go in and come out smoothly, not hitting icy or solid patches. Snowball snow should not be frozen, nor should it be too dry (“powder”) or too wet (“granular” or “corn”). The snow needs just enough moisture to hold together as you shape it.
2 Doctor the snow.
The best air temperature for snowball making is above 5°F and below 32°F. If the air temperature is below 5°F, warm the snow in your hands before attempting to make a snowball.
3 Establish a base camp.
Find a suitable location with good sight lines and plenty of fresh snow. Consider keeping a wall at your back to thwart flanking maneuvers.
4 Begin preparations.
Make as many snowballs as you can in advance of the battle. A good snowball should be larger than a golf ball but smaller than a cantaloupe and should hold its shape when others are stacked on top of it.
5 Build a snowball sled.
Secure a wooden produce crate or waxed cardboard box to a sled’s rope. Fill the box with snowballs. Use the snowball sled to transport ammunition or a fresh supply of snow.
6 Use shields.
Maintain a supply of garbage-can lids with handles; use these for shields during battle.
7 Aim low and throw straight.
Snowball fight rules dictate that hitting in the face is forbidden. Aim for the chest or lower body. Ice balls or snowballs containing foreign material are also considered unfair.
8 Secure prisoners.
Snowball fight rules provide for the taking of prisoners: An enemy hit three times is considered captured. Captives may not be forced to fight their comrades but may be pressed into service as snowball makers.
Thrust your hand in attacker s face.
Duck and grab attacker’s ankle.
Yank ankle upward and hit downward on thigh.
HOW TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WIELDING A CHAIR
1 Thrust your hand toward the attacker’s face.
If the attacker is close to you and the chair is raised, rapidly stick your hand close to his eyes to distract him and slow the attack.
2 Duck and grab his closest ankle.
Latch firmly onto the ankle with your hand. Moving close to him makes it harder for him to strike you with the chair.
3 Yank upward on his ankle.
Reaching down to grab the ankle and pulling up abruptly should be one continuous and swift motion.
4 Smash downward on his thigh with your other forearm.
As you sharply lift his ankle, strike the blow to the upper thigh of his same leg. You are pulling his feet out from under him and are knocking him backward.
5 Watch for the falling chair.
As he loses his balance and tumbles down, he will release the chair.
BE AWARE!
If you are able to keep your distance from the attacker, throw objects at him to slow his approach and cause him to defend himself while you look for an opportunity to flee.
REALITY TV
* * *
* * *
Surround yourself with things that you like and make sure your facial expressions are visible.
HOW TO MAKE A SUCCESSFUL AUDITION VIDEO FOR A REALITY SHOW
1 Make it look good but not too good.
Record the video with your smartphone or digital camera, so that the video quality is solid but it looks handheld and charmingly amateurish, rather than fancy and overproduced. It’s okay if the video starts with a blank wall and then you appear in the shot, because you are filming it yourself.
2 Show your living environment.
Producers like to see where you live. It gives an insight into who you are. Place characteristic items such as posters, dolls, and books, in the background.
3 Get to the point.
Make your case immediately. Many video applications will be viewed for only a few seconds, so that the casting director can see what you look and sound like.
4 Stand close to the camera so your features can be seen.
The producers are basing their decisions on a gut reaction to you, and so it is critical that your eyes and facial expression are clearly visible. Wear makeup to cover blemishes if necessary.
5 Speak loudly.
Don’t record your video in a noisy environment.
6 Keep it simple.
Remember, you are sending this to people who are professionals in the craft of making television, so don’t try to wow anyone with fancy postproduction effects.
7 Don’t use copyrighted background music.
If you are selected for the show, the producers will not be able to use your audition tape for a best-of “clips” show without permission.
8 Review the video before you submit it.
This is especially important if you made the video while intoxicated.
HOW TO TALK WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT ON MIC
1 Get wet.
Remove your microphone and jump into the hot tub or the ocean. The audio department will try to record you with a boom mic, so stay away from the shore or hot-tub edge and splash while you’re speaking.
2 Play music.
Have private conversations while music is playing loudly. This is even more effective with copyrighted music. In extreme cases, ask a friend to loudly sing a copyrighted song while you quickly convey information.
3 Remove the microphone battery.
Turning off your body mic is an easy way to stop recording, but the audio department will immediately note and fix the problem. To foil them, take out the battery from the mic’s transmitter and throw it away.
4 Put the mic in your pocket.
When no one is looking, transfer your body mic from your shirt front to your rear pocket. Anything you then say in whispers will not be heard.
How to Extend Your 15 Minutes of Fame
Move to New York or Los Angeles.
Star in the next installment of the reality show in which you just participated.
Guest star as a judge or walk-on on the next installment of the reality show.
Write a book.
Do a cameo in a sitcom or TV commercial.
Guest star on another reality show of a different genre; if you were on a dating show, appear on a competitive-dance show.
Announce the breakup of your reality-show relationship.
Run for public office.
Pose nude.
Appear on a cast reunion special.
Get a daytime talk show.
Allow a network to film your wedding.
Dramatically alter your appearance by losing a significant amount of weight, getting breast implants, or having cosmetic surgery.
Participate in a celebrity boxing match.
Be interviewed on morning-show radio.
Become a morning-show radio DJ.
Start your own line of clothing or fragrance.
Become the national spokesperson for a nonprofit organization.
Provide on-screen testimonials for infomercial products.
Sign thi
ngs at the mall.
5 Use inappropriate language.
Use such foul language that anything you say can never be shown on broadcast television.
WARNING!
Having a conversation near a running sink or shower seems like it will distort your words, but they will still be discernible, and the producers will subtitle you on-screen.
Even if you take off your mic, stash it away somewhere, or toss the battery, your conversation partner’s mic will still record what you’re saying.
HOW TO FAKE INTENSE EMOTION
1 Apply salt water or sand to the corners of your eyes to make them water.
Carry a small amount of salt water or sand at all times, just in case.
2 Breathe faster and more shallowly.
Off camera, vigorously run in place to make yourself take raspy, ragged gasps and to give yourself a blotchy and flushed complexion.
3 Constrict your vocal cords and stutter as you speak.
4 Make a show of being overwhelmed.
Cover your face with your hands, look away, bite your lip, and put your head down on a table or tree stump to appear as if you are trying to compose yourself.
5 Fake a faint.
Take a deep breath, gasp for air, roll your eyes back, buckle your knees, and reach out to the other person as you fall forward.
To fake fainting, roll your eyes back, buckle your knees, and reach out as you fall forward.
SOCIAL MEDIA
* * *
* * *
HOW TO MAKE AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE MORE ALLURING
Post a flattering photograph.
Pose with children or animals if you are male. Look like you are having the time of your life if you are female.
Use euphemisms.
For instance, avoid the word “unemployed” by saying that you are currently enjoying a sweat-free lifestyle while you search for a new challenge.
Seem rich.
Refer to signs of affluence such as luxury brands, cruises, extended vacations, resorts in exotic locales, and tax shelters.
Seem interesting.
Discuss a variety of interesting hobbies such as rock climbing, photography, and wine.
Seem cultured.
List “favorites” that present you as educated and sophisticated, yet not pretentious. Mention highbrow and mainstream books, movies, TV shows, and musicians to create the impression that you have eclectic and wide-ranging taste.
Keep it positive.
Avoid mention of your breakup.
SOCIAL NETWORKING ETIQUETTE
When rejecting a friend request, provide an explanation.
If you know the requester but don’t want to be connected, explain that you have an only-close-friends policy.
When requesting a friend, provide a refresher.
Social Media at Work
If you’re using an office computer to get online, you most likely have no privacy or right to privacy. The information technology department of your employer probably has the ability to monitor and capture every screen you view and every Web site you visit; every e-mail you send both on work e-mail accounts and personal Web-based accounts; and even every keystroke you make. The folks in IT might be doing this for fun, even if it is not company policy, but that would be hard to complain about, since you’re supposed to be working, too.
Post a flattering photograph. Pose with children or animals if you are male.
Remind the potential new friend who you are and how you’ve met.
Request friends using a real picture of yourself.
People may not recognize who is friending them if your identifying picture is of your child or dog, or a cartoon version of you.
You are not obligated to friend/follow anyone.
Unfriend quietly.
When unfriending or unfollowing someone, do not make an effort to apologize or explain why. Just go.
Comment back sparingly.
You don’t need to write “Thanks” or “I agree” in response to every comment on your post. Only comment in response if you have something substantive to say.
When forging a connection, explain to both parties.
If you tell one friend to friend another friend, alert the second friend that you have done so, so that they know who this person is and where they’ve come from.
Respect preferred communication modes.
When someone makes clear that they prefer to communicate via e-mail rather than on a social-networking site, don’t persist in messaging them that way.
Don’t pick fights.
Avoid making controversial or argumentative responses in comment threads on a friend’s page, even if you think that person wouldn’t mind; his or her other friends may be insulted, which could cause stress for your friend.
HOW TO AVOID SENDING EMPLOYERS THE WRONG MESSAGE WITH YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA BIO
1 Do not include too much information.
Long-ago kindergarten awards and school football awards are not that impressive, and it’s not helpful to mention everyone you’ve ever met, studied with, or worked for. Do not embellish and overdescribe your accomplishments. Selectivity and directness is the key.
2 Do not include too little information.
3 Avoid spelling mistakes and sloppiness.
Get the prospective employer’s name right.
4 Keep out romantic experiences and preferences.
No tales of memorable (or not remembered) feats at parties. Don’t boast, and don’t confess about personal matters.
5 Keep yourself clothed in the photograph.
No matter how good you look with your shirt off, use a head shot for your profile photo.
6 Use words, not emoticons.
No smiley faces.
7 Be yourself.
Show them who you really are, and don’t try to be who you think they want you to be, at least at the beginning of your job search.
WARNING!
Before applying for a job, search for your name online, as your potential employer probably will, to see how you are perceived. Also check social networks for photos and postings that might not work in your favor. Try to clean up your image.
HOW TO EXPAND YOUR ONLINE FRIEND NETWORK
1 Friend your real friends.
2 Friend your family members.
3 Friend your friends from high school, college, and graduate school.
4 Friend your friends from elementary school, summer camp, and religious or language school.
5 Friend your work friends.
Acknowledge in your friend request that it’s a little weird to be friending them.
6 Examine your e-mail contacts.
Make sure that you are now friends with everyone with whom you have ever communicated.
7 Friend the friends of all the friends you’ve friended from the above categories.
8 Friend the friends of all the friends-of-friends you’ve now friended.
9 Join groups.
“Like” all the bands, TV shows, authors, movies, and political figures you actually like, sort of like, or have heard of.
10 Friend the group members.
Engage in conversations and arguments on the pages of the groups you’ve joined, and then friend the strangers with whom you’ve engaged.
11 Friend their friends.
WARNING!
Based on the size of the neocortex in the human brain, a person can handle between 100 and 200 social contacts, according to a study by British anthropologist Robin Dunbar. The standard “Dunbar’s number” of 150 real contacts has been confirmed by a recent study of three million Twitter users.
Personal Ad Photo Decoder
PHOTO POSTED FOR ONLINE PERSONAL AD WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOU
Photos with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend I have been on a date before.
High school yearbook photos I am 20 pounds heavier than this.
Party photos I am drunk right now.
Baby photo I was cute a long time ago.
Mu
g shots I will stalk you if we break up.
You with stuffed animals I will stalk you if we break up.
Altered pictures of you with celebrities I live in my parents’ basement.
Wedding photos I am married.
Nude photos I am desperate.
5
Mean Streets
URBAN
SURVIVAL
CITY
* * *
* * *
HOW TO ESCAPE A SWARM OF PIGEONS
1 Run in a zigzag pattern.
2 Pull your shirt over your head.
Crouching forward at a 30- to 45-degree angle, reach behind your head with one hand and grab the collar of your shirt. Pull your shirt up over your head. Stretch it far enough forward that it covers your entire scalp and your eyes.
3 Scatter food.
Use your free hand to remove any food from your pockets and bag and throw it in every direction. Employ vigorous flinging motions to draw the pigeons’ attention away from you and toward the food. Toss the food as quickly and as far away as possible.