Every Heart

by LK Collins

  Bain’s body is on top of mine and his cock is still inside of me. This is my solitude, or it was. Up until Nate came back, being with Bain like this made everything better. Now as I lay here with him, I’m questioning everything. Everything that I once knew and was so sure of…is all gone. Jesus, I’d give anything to go back to how things were a few days ago, but I can’t. I can’t.

  I waited months for Nate, practically a year, and now that a motherfucking miracle has brought him back to me, I don’t know what to do. Fear consumes me. I’m flooded by it. And the events of the other day just repeat themselves over and over in my head.

  I loathe the decision ahead. It’s something that I never dreamt I’d have to do and I really don’t want to. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but it is there and in no way can be avoided. Since I fainted in the hallway, I’ve kept quiet. I know Bain wants me to tell him that everything is going to be all right, but I don’t know that it is. So I can’t give him false hope. It’s more like I need him to tell me that.

  My mind is really all over the place. Spinning, racing, vying, and I just want it all to stop. The sex helped, like it always does, but I don’t want that kind of band-aid with Bain, not anymore. I don’t want to use our love or what we share in the wrong way, to hide what’s really going on.

  Bain’s breathing has changed, so I know he’s asleep. Sleep might help me too. Right now, it might be my best course of action. Staying awake and battling my own mind isn’t going to do anything. So I close my eyes searching for the darkness, but it doesn’t come.

  Nate is alive. Fuck, he’s alive and I have no clue how it’s possible. I know right now I can’t make a decision to save my life, there is too much to process. So I fight through the ugliness that is haunting me, off to my special place, a place with Bain, a place that I always find peace in. Taking my mind back to the moment I saw him on the plane. The joy I felt running to him was indescribable and I need that again. Then I get a flash of Nate down on one knee when he proposed and I know from now on my special place will never be the same. There is adoration in Nate’s eyes, as he looks up at me. I visualize it clear as day. Fuck, this is all too much to handle. I pray for answers and sleep. Thankfully it’s not long before sleep takes over.

  “I don’t know about that, Mom. She’s just…not the same. She’s…she’s quiet.” I hear Bain in the distance. When no one responds to him, I realize he’s on the phone.

  I blink a few times, trying to pull my bearings together and listen. As much as I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help myself. It may give me a glimpse into his head and where he is mentally. As this point I need all the help that I can get to make a decision like this.

  “I don’t know what will help.”

  He exhales loudly. I can hear the sound of the coffee pot brewing in the kitchen. The sun is bright, shining in all of the windows and I wish today was supposed to be as we had planned for our weekend before the…what should I call it?…incident. No electronics or contact with anyone, just us.

  “Don’t you think I thought about that?” His tone is a bit agitated, then he whispers, “I’d fucking marry her if I thought it would help things.”

  My heart stops, shocked at his words. We’ve never discussed marriage, so I can’t believe that is what he just said. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I know that Bain and I have so many plans for the future, but marriage hasn’t come up yet.

  I continue to listen, even though I know it’s so wrong. I just can’t stop.

  “That’s not how she is, Mom,” his voice is laced with annoyance and a hint of emotion. He’s crying. Fuck, I have to figure out what to do. Suddenly he is very far away and I hear the click of the patio door shut. I sit up and look through the condo. His gorgeous frame is standing outside, leaning over the balcony railing. Maybe talking to him can help me decide what in the world I am supposed to do. I get up and find my clothes scattered about the room. Seeing them like this reminds me of the time we shared last night. I put them back on and head right towards Bain. We have to talk about things. I can’t go on like this anymore.

  Thankfully he is no longer on the phone. He’s resting back on one of our lounge chairs with his arm draped over his eyes, wearing only a pair of his underwear. The second the door clicks when I close it, he sits up looking at me. It’s a warm summer morning, the sun baking our patio and us. Bain wipes away his tears when he sees me and it kills me that he’s so upset. He opens his arms to me. I go to him, sitting between his legs. He smells divine like always, mixing up my brain and making it hard to think.

  “Did I wake you?” he asks.

  “No.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah,” I respond, trailing my fingers over his tattooed chest, as my head rests comfortably on him.

  “Are you okay today?” he asks me.

  Shaking my head, I look at him and say, “I don’t know, Bain. I just don’t know what I am, or what to do.”

  “I know, baby, I feel the same way.”

  Looking at him for the answers, I ask, “What would you do?”

  “Oh, baby, I can’t answer that. I’m biased.”

  Clinging to him, I hold on, afraid that I’m going to lose what we have. Then the words that have been haunting me for the last three days leave my mouth of their own accord. “I’m scared.”

  “I know. I’m fucking petrified, baby.” He strokes my hair saying, “I can’t lose you, Arion. I don’t want to unfairly ask you to choose me, but I cannot fucking lose you.” His voice cracks and he holds me as tight as he ever has.

  “I don’t want that either.”

  Then Nate crosses my mind and my heart hurts. Nate. I have to see him. I can’t avoid the situation forever. Thinking of him gives me a different feeling than what I share with Bain. With Nate, there is a sense of security – safety. And with Bain, there is nothing but pure, raw desire and passion. I love them both but on two totally different levels. My stomach turns thinking of the differences and knowing that I have to decide.

  “Arion, I know you have the world’s hardest decision to make, and I don’t know what’s going through your mind. But I’m begging you with everything inside of me to put into consideration how good we have things. We have come so far, and our life is amazing.”

  “I know, Bain. Trust me, I love our life and you. But I also can’t ignore the fact that Nate is alive and once upon a time he was my future, and he and I shared what you and I have.”

  We sit silent for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. I know that my words hurt him, but I have to be honest with him. I’ll always be honest with Bain, no matter how bad it hurts.

  “I need your help deciding what to do. I have to talk to Nate, as much as I want to act like this never happened. I’m completely lost as to what to do and I know you can’t tell me…but I want to make sure that you know what’s going on.”

  “I know. I know you have to talk to him and I don’t want to be the one to tell you that you can’t, because he was your first love and you both had planned a future together. But I truly think as long as you follow your heart with this, we will stay together. I’m sure you have so many unanswered questions. Like I do, so I can’t tell you how to handle things. Because if I did or if I was really being honest, I would…” he trails off without finishing his sentence.

  I have a pretty good idea of what he is going to say. My heart aches thinking of his earlier words. I’d fucking marry her. Jesus, what am I supposed to do?

  “Maybe you should call Nate’s mom or dad and talk to them?” Bain suggests. “They’ve been like parents to you.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

  “Do you wanna head in and eat breakfast? You need to take your medicine.”

  “Sure,” I respond, completely forgetting that I now have to take something daily. I stand and he reaches for me, standing himself.

  We head inside and I lie on the couch. I can tell Bain wants everything to get back to normal, but in the back of my mind, th
e thought of Nate is knocking and I know it won’t go away ’til I see him, or better yet, make a decision of what to do. Bain comes back handing me my phone. I take it from him, not sure what to do with it.

  Deep down, I love Bain so much. I really do, but I have to see Nate. My heart is telling me that and I’m so scared that seeing him is going to evoke all sorts of emotions and feelings inside of me. Feelings that…I’m not sure what to do with.

  Unlocking my phone, there are a few texts from Aubrey, so I text her back, Sorry, I haven’t been in contact much. My mind is a mess. Could we do lunch?

  Right away she responds, Of course. I’m just going to throw this out there though ’cause I can’t imagine the shit storm going through your brain. Why don’t you come stay with me for a while for a clear perspective on the situation?

  I think about her text and listen to my voicemail. There’s just one and I’m shocked when I hear Jeff’s voice on the other end of the line.

  “Arion, Nate told me what he did. I’m sorry that Barb and I didn’t tell you sooner. We had intended to, but…Barb is really sick. She’s in bad shape right now, and that’s part of the reason why Nate showed up at your place. He wanted you to know and we couldn’t bear to tell you ourselves. Plus, I knew if you came to the house that it would spill the secret, that Nate was alive. Anyways, it’s all out in the open now. We should talk, call me. I hope you’re doing better.”

  Setting my phone down, I feel uneasy about the news. Barb is sick? What does that mean? Picking up my phone without thinking, I dial Jeff.

  It rings and rings and rings. Finally, he answers. “Hey, how are you?”

  “I’m okay. I got your message. How’s Barb? What’s going on with her?”

  “She’s doing the best that she can. She hasn’t been feeling well for a while now and recently got worse.” He catches me up on her medical situation, and I just feel awful.

  “Christ, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I should have stayed in better contact with you guys.”

  “Arion, it’s all right, there’s nothing you could have done. And with Nate being back, had you tried to stay in contact, I probably would have stayed pretty distant. Speaking of Nate, he told me what happened. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m better, now that I’m home. But my mind is just a mess.”

  “I know, dear. I’m so sorry.”

  “What happened? I mean, I have to know how this is even possible, that he’s alive.”

  Jeff sighs heavily. “He’s a strong man, Arion. He has been through so much. His Humvee drove over a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. He and one other member of his platoon survived. They were taken hostage and somehow survived almost a year of torture.”

  Tears fill my eyes, thinking of Nate being held hostage. I can only imagine the horror that he endured.

  “Arion, I know you’ve made a new life for yourself, but you’re all that kept Nate alive while he was gone. He’s really having a hard time since coming home and not having you in his life.”

  “Jeff.” My voice cracks as I say his name. “I never planned for any of this to happen. I thought he was gone, like we all did. For Pete’s sake, we buried him.”

  “I know, dear, and Nate knows that too, but it wasn’t his time. I can tell you that he loves you more than anything in the world.”

  “I know. I…” I trail off without finishing my sentence. I can’t bring myself to say the words, but the truth is that I never stopped loving Nate and I don’t know if I ever will.

  “He wants to see you. He meant no harm when he came to your place. He’s in bad shape and is healing the best he can. He lost part of his leg when he was gone and mentally he’s pretty messed up.”

  “I know he didn’t mean for anything bad to happen, it just caught me off guard. He was the last person I ever imagined to see.”

  “Arion, I know you need some time to figure everything out, but please know that both Barb and I are here for you if you need anything at all.”

  “Thank you, Jeff. I really don’t know what to do. I just need some space to sort things out. Please tell him that, but I’ll be in touch.

  “Okay, I will.”

  “Oh, how’s Zeus?”

  “He’s good. He’s such a happy pup now that Nate is home. I know it was hard for you to leave him with us, but it all worked out with Nate coming back.”

  “Thank you for taking care of him.”

  “Of course, dear. You take care of yourself.”

  “You too.”

  He hangs up and Bain walks over to me with a huge cup of coffee in hand. “Was that Nate’s dad?”

  “Yeah, he left me a voicemail and said Barb is really sick, so I called him back.” I take a sip of my coffee then settle into the couch.

  “What did he say?” he asks.

  “That Barb is sick and that’s partly why Nate came here.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  “I don’t know what to believe, Bain, everything is such a blur.”

  “I know, baby,” he says pulling me close to him.

  “He also said Nate was held hostage for almost a year and lost part of his leg.”

  Bain reaches over and rubs my back. “I’m sorry, Arion.”

  “This can’t really be happening, can it?” Tears well in my eyes and he takes my coffee from me, setting it down and then scoots closer, wrapping me in his hold.

  “Don’t get upset, baby, we’ll figure this out…together. You hear me?”

  Nodding my head, I hold on to Bain with everything I have.

  Together…together…together. The word rings in my head. If only it were that simple.

  “Seriously, Dad, you have to let me call her. I’m losing my mind over here…I need to talk to her.”

  “Nate, I won’t do that to her and you shouldn’t either. You need to show patience and let her be, dammit. The poor girl has been through enough already. Do you really think it’s a good idea, when she asked for space?”

  I shake my head knowing he’s right. The last time that I saw her, I put her in the hospital. The last thing that I want to do is cause any more harm. When she’s ready she’ll come to me. I need to give her time. It pisses me off that I have to, but I do.

  “I got to get to a meeting, son.”

  I nod my head, doing my best to stay calm; I have to keep my temper under control. It’s my own fault I can’t contact her right now. I made the decision to show up at her house and now I have to pay the price.

  He gives me a hug and says, “Thank you for taking care of your mom today.”

  I watch him leave, resting my hand on top of Zeus’ head, taking a few minutes to myself. Fuck, I just want to see her. But then I get a flashback of her collapsing in the hallway and it reminds me why I have to wait ’til she’s ready.

  I take a few deep breaths and head down the hall to my mom’s bedroom. She is lying comfortably on her bed, with her Kindle in hand, reading being one of the last pleasures left to her.

  “Hey, baby,” she says.

  “Hey, Ma.” I set my crutches propped up on her dresser and lie on her bed; Zeus lies next to it on the floor. Since I’ve been home, he has been by my side non-stop. “How are you feeling?” I ask.

  “I’m okay, how about you?”

  “I don’t know, Mom.”

  “Wanna talk about things?” she asks.

  I can’t help but chuckle at this. That’s all I feel like I do anymore, from one doctor to the next. But I know she’s only trying to help. “What is there to talk about? Arion’s with someone else, and she wants nothing to do with me.”

  “Oh, honey, you don’t know that.”

  “But I do, Mom. I can’t even see or talk to her. I tried and we both know what happened.”

  “I know it seems like there is no hope for you two, but just give it a little more time.”

  Looking at my mom, I hide my true emotions. Inside I go from rage, to pain, to glum. She might think there is hope, but I on the other hand, do not. “I’ve g
iven it time. Waiting around is killing me.”

  “I know, dear, and I’m sorry. Let her process things and I’m sure she’ll come to her senses.”

  “I’m glad you’re optimistic, ’cause I’m losing hope.”

  “You can’t lose hope Nate, never no matter what. You hear me?”

  Nodding my head, I roll to my side. “You’re her soul mate and that is something that Bain can’t change. Don’t give up on her.”

  “I won’t. I couldn’t imagine living forever without her. I just want what we had before I left.”

  “You will, dear. Remember hope, never let go of it.”

  In a way my mom’s words soothe me. She has a way of calming me. I just pray that she is right. My biggest fear would be living this life, in my condition, without Arion. I push that all aside, not letting those negative thoughts creep in any more. Keeping myself calm, my eyelids feel heavy and I let them close. Thinking back to the last time she was in my arms…

  Goddamn myself for making this decision. Staring at Arion’s tear-stained face, I hold it tightly in the palms of my hands. “I’ll be back, A, no matter what. You hear me?”

  She nods her head sniffing, trying to stop herself from crying.

  “I love you so much. Hold on to that and know that I’m always thinking about you. You’re always in my heart,” I manage to tell her.

  “I love you,” she whispers.

  “I love you too. Remember, I’m doing this for us. To give us a better life.”

  “I know,” she responds and nods her head. But does she? Does she really know why I’m doing this and just how much she means to me? Checking the clock, I know I don’t have long. I have to go. I hug my parents, both with smiles as big as the sun. They are staying strong for me. My dad did this years ago, so he knows how hard it is to say goodbye before being deployed.