Every Heart

by LK Collins

  Leaning down, I give her one last kiss holding her chin with my thumb and forefinger. “I love you, Arion LaSalle, and I promise I’ll marry you the day I get home.”

  She smirks and nods her head. “Love you too,” she whispers. So small and fragile, her usual confidence stripped from within. With those sweet words from my one and only, I turn and leave my family. But I have faith in God that I’ll be back. I know now is not my time, he won’t do that do me.

  “She knows that, Nate,” my dad says sitting on the edge of my bed. “She knows you never intentionally meant to upset her, this is just a lot for her to handle. She cried herself to sleep for the better part of a year when she thought you were dead. Then when she finally moved on, when she finally got a new life and her shit together, it all came crashing down.”

  “But it doesn’t need to. She can come back to me, we can figure everything out. And Bain…well, I’m sure he has hundreds of women throwing themselves at him.”

  “Nate, it’s not that simple. I’ve seen them together; I don’t think it matters who is throwing themselves at him, he wouldn’t look in their direction. He actually reminds me of you, and how you and Arion used to be.”

  “What the fuck, Dad, whose side are you on?”

  “Yours. Always. But I’m going to be honest with you about all of this—it’s not as easy as Arion letting him down gently then she comes running to you. There’s more to all of this. And for now, you need to give her a little space, let her wrap her head around everything. She’ll come around and you’ll get your time with her, I can promise you that.”

  “I just don’t get it…why isn’t she ready to see me now?”

  “I think she’s scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  “If I had to guess, I would say her feelings and what that means for her, or maybe another breakdown.”

  My dad’s words make sense. I know I’ll get my time with her, but waiting is going to be absolutely excruciating.

  “Listen, you get some rest, son. It’s been a long day.”

  I give my dad a hug and sit alone on the edge of my desolate bed. Then as I look into my closet, the glint of metal of my dumbbells catches my eye. I’m not even sure I can lift them, but I need to start making a change. Leaning over, I pick them up and figure I’ll at least try. Surprisingly, they aren’t too heavy. I get situated, holding both of them while balancing my elbows on my knees and begin to pump my arms. Right away, everything inside of them burns, but it feels so good to be doing this.

  I know I’m not the man I was when I left, but I can get back to him, minus my leg of course. Minor point. I continue to go ’til I can’t anymore and drop my dumbbells on the floor. Looking down at my scrawny arms, I know it’s going to be a lot of work to get back in the shape I was in.

  Rolling over, I grab my laptop and turn it on, heading for my latest obsession: Arion’s Facebook page. It’s the closest thing I have to being involved in her life. I’m not sure if she knows that we are still friends, but we are. I’ve searched and been through everything possible on here, but maybe today there will be an update, something that will give me a hint as to what she’s thinking. Unfortunately there are no new posts like I’m so used to seeing. So, I click on her photos and scroll through to find my favorite one of her. She’s looking through a window. The reflection of her is gorgeous, so perfect and pure. The glass almost makes her look angelic.

  Staring at it, I pray that she will come back to me. I mean, really, how can she not? She’s just scared and I’m sure trying to figure out how to let Bain down. That has to be what’s going through her mind. Plus she knows that we belong together. Even though it pains me, she can take all the time she needs.

  “Please, James, just get me one more day. Just one more day.”

  He grumbles into the phone. “Jesus Christ, one more day, Bain, but that’s it. Don’t ask me again. I won’t let you jeopardize your career before it even starts.”

  “Thank you, I promise I won’t.”

  I hang up and go in search of Arion. She is right where I left her. Stark naked and gorgeous, soaking in our oversized bathtub.

  “Hey,” I say as I begin to undress, she looks at me with an eyebrow cocked and then scoots forward so I can slide into the scalding hot water behind her.

  “God, I love holding you in my arms,” I whisper behind her ear and lean us back together. She sighs heavily as do I, and then there it is, the awkward silence. I don’t know if it’s her or me, but it’s there and it scares the shit out of me.

  “I talked to James,” I tell her, trying to spark up conversation.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, he said he’d get me out of practice again tomorrow.”

  “No! I don’t want you to miss practice again. Not because of me.”

  “I’d rather be here with you ’til I know you’re ready to move past all of this.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “You are?” I ask confused.

  “I mean, I don’t know. I’m ready to focus on work, but I can’t decide what to do. I just don’t know, Bain.”

  “Baby, I don’t want to be the one to force you to do this, but in order for us to move on, you need to talk to him. You can’t act like he’s not back and everything is as it was before, because it’s not.”

  “I know, trust me, I know!” she snaps in frustration.

  I stay quiet not wanting to upset her further, or push the subject. Deep down, I don’t want her to see Nate again or to talk to him for that matter. I could only imagine how he’s going to act to try and win her back. But in my heart, I know this is what’s right.

  “You could invite him over here?”

  She looks at me with a blank expression and doesn’t respond.

  “You’ll be most comfortable in our home. He can come when I’m here and I’ll give you privacy. But most importantly, I’ll make sure that you’re okay.”

  Hearing myself invite him to our home is a bit crazy, but I care for her enough that her safety and happiness mean that much to me.

  “I don’t know. Can’t I just keep acting like that part of my life is all a dream?”

  “You can’t, baby. Put yourself in his shoes.”

  “It’s just…” She trails off and stares away from me.

  “What, love?”

  “I’m scared at what seeing him will do to me. What feelings it will evoke and most importantly, how it will affect us.”

  Hearing her say that takes my breath away. So this is why she’s being so resistant. She’s scared that seeing him will be the end for us. I search for the right words to say, something that can comfort her in this moment. But I’ve got nothing. There is nothing that I can say or do, because the truth is that true love prevails. The question is, whose love is stronger? Anger fills me. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I’d lose my goddamn mind and I don’t want that, that’s for fucking sure.

  “I’m sorry,” she responds.

  “Don’t be,” I say, holding her body tightly against mine. If my time with her is limited, I have to make the best of what time we have. “I love you, Arion, more than anything or anyone in the world, and I can’t imagine the predicament that you’re in. For that, I’m sorry. As much as I want to make you choose me…I can’t, but I can show you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, and how my body yearns for you like nothing else.”

  Reaching around her, I slide my hand down her soft body, adoring every curve that she possesses. She leans her head back, letting all of her weight fall against me. Her arms drip water, and I finally make it to my heaven – her sweet cunt. Even though we are submerged in water, she’s still wet. I move my fingers inside of her soft folds and over her clit. She moans a little and turns her head into my neck. Leaning down, I search for her lips. Letting her know what I want, she parts them slightly, breathing softly and looks at me.

  I watch her while I sink two fingers high inside of her. As we kiss, I’m scared – scared that this is going t
o be the end for us, but I push away those thoughts and do what I promised myself I would do a long time ago. I focus on making her happy. It’s all that I can control in this moment.

  My body aches for more, I need to be inside of her. But first, I please her, rubbing vigorously back and forth over her clit, while my fingers feel her. She begins to moan, really giving in to what I’m doing, so I don’t waste a second taking her out of this world. My hard cock throbs against her back and I sit us up a little. I know making her come will clear her mind; it’s what she’s always turned to for relief.

  I work her clit like I have so many times. Just the right amount of pressure to get her there, she writhes on top of me. And I count down waiting for her screams. She holds on to her orgasm as long as she can, she says it makes them that much better. Three, two, one…it’s easy, like clockwork, baby.

  Her entire body arches out of the water, her hands search for the tub, gripping the sides, trying to give herself some friction to hold on to.

  “Yes, baby. Let go,” I tell her. “Come for me.”

  Her noises increase as she enjoys the pleasure, then suddenly she quiets down and her body stops shaking. We both are breathing heavily and I bring us back under the water, sliding myself inside of her, instantly I fit right in.

  “Oh God,” she says, leaning into my neck, and I begin moving, pushing and pulling inside of her. Her cunt is so tight and mixed with the water makes the friction unbelievable. My insides crave her; even when we fuck, it’s not enough. I continue to move, over and over, and work her ’til she begins to give in, moaning louder and louder. Ever so slightly, she moves her body along with mine and begins matching my thrusts.

  My body wants to come. I’ve always said my dick has a mind of its own, but I fight the feeling, knowing that I won’t let go, not yet anyways. Then all of a sudden, Arion sits up and takes control, moving along my shaft. My eyes go right to her ass, then my cock, as our bodies mold together.

  Taking my hands, I hold her ass and help guide her. She tips her head back, her long blonde strands dipping into the water and then she lets go. I follow suit, slamming her hard on my cock. My body quakes from head to toe and I’m forced to close my eyes, although I don’t want to take them off of her. She slows, as do I, and her beautiful body lies back on top of me.

  “Thank you,” I tell her. Surprised that she took the lead.

  “You don’t need to thank me. Thank you for everything.”

  Then she stands and holds her hand out to me. Reaching up, I grab her hand and stand, both of us never taking our eyes off of each other. As I step out of the tub, she hands me a towel and we begin to dry off.

  “Do you have practice the day after tomorrow?” she asks me.

  “Yeah.”

  She doesn’t say anything else and my mind starts to wander. Maybe when I am at practice she will go and see Nate? I don’t really believe she would go behind my back. I have to trust her and at the same time, I have to support her. If she sees him, so be it. I need this over with just as much as she does. God won’t take her away from me. I know he won’t…he can’t.

  “Bain, if I invited Nate to our home, could I talk to him alone, maybe when you are at practice?”

  “I’d rather you not. Why does it matter if I’m here anyways?”

  “I just don’t know how I’m going to feel, or what I’m going to say, and I…I need to be able to speak openly to him.”

  “I understand and you can do that with me here. Baby, I don’t want him upsetting you and something happening without me somewhere close. He can barely help himself, much less you, if something were to happen to you again.”

  “Come on, Bain, that’s not fair to say. He’s been through a lot and when he was here last time, I was caught off guard. He shocked the shit out of me.”

  “What if he does that again? What if he proposes or something crazy to try and win you back?” I ask, aggravated that she is defending him, though I know what she says is true.

  “Bain, he won’t. Trust me. I know Nate, better than anyone does. I hate to say it, but he already proposed. I guarantee that he just wants what is best for me.”

  “Please, baby, we don’t know how you’re going to react. He’ll never know that I’m here. I just need to be close in case I need to help you.”

  “No, Bain, I’ll be fine. I just need to talk to him alone.”

  “Arion, I obviously can’t stop you, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Really, I’ll be fine,” she snaps.

  I nod my head in disappointment and get dressed. Then we head into the living room, mixed emotions running through me. I’ll be damned if I let this ruin my day. “I’m sorry, I got frustrated, babe. I’m just…” I trail off. How the fuck should I say what’s on my mind without sounding like a complete jealous ass. “I’m scared.”

  “Scared?” she questions me, hopping up on the cool granite of our countertop, sitting in her normal spot. “Well, I’m scared too.”

  The worst part about me telling her how I really feel is that she doesn’t tell me that everything is going to be okay and there is nothing to be scared about. She just agrees with me.

  Jesus, if I could just get into her head for a few minutes, then I feel like things would be better. Even if I don’t agree with what she’s thinking, it would at least answer some of my questions. But where I stand now, that’s all out there with no definitive direction on how our lives are going to be, or where things are headed. Knowing that yet again, this argument is a lost cause, I change the subject. “Are you hungry?” I ask.

  “No, not really.”

  “Come on, babe, you’ve barely eaten anything lately. I’m sure something sounds good.”

  “I don’t know, maybe the Metro Café?”

  “That’s perfect, let’s go out and get you something.”

  “Okay,” she says and I step to her. She won’t make eye contact with me and I’m getting tired of things being like this with us. Holding my ground, I place my hands on her sides and watch her intently. She doesn’t last long and finally looks at me. I smile and lean in, kissing her gently. She kisses me back the way she always has, strong and with confidence. My hands find her head, cupping it and holding us together. Threading my fingers into her soft blonde strands. As we kiss, her phone rings in the distance. But I push away the anxiety. I know that everything is going to be all right – it has to. Pulling away, I help her off the counter.

  “Shall we?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  We slide on some flip-flops and leave hand in hand. She doesn’t slow or falter in the hallway, like I’d worried. This is the first time we’ve left since we came home. I’d been anxious about how she would handle stepping foot in the spot that her breakdown happened, but it’s like nothing to her. I seem to be more stressed about it. On the elevator ride down, she hugs me and I tightly hold her back, resting my chin atop her hair.

  The lobby is quiet. Herbert is off today and for once I’m kind of thankful. With all of the stress flowing through me, I’m not in the mood to talk. Once we emerge into the noisy busyness of New York City, the sun is warm and I go to hail us a cab.

  “Let’s walk,” she says, stopping me by grabbing my arm.

  She never wants to walk, as it always seems that I get recognized, so I’m a little thrown off by her request. “You sure?” I ask.

  She nods her head, wrapping her hand tightly around mine and we head off. I love how confident she is leaving the house at the drop of a hat, with no make-up on, messy hair, and whatever clothes she threw on.

  Internally, I again want to bring up the fact that I don’t want her to see Nate alone, but how can I? I know it will ruin our lunch. “I’m surprised no one is recognizing you,” she says.

  “Right? It feels good,” I respond, as we round the corner on our last leg to the Café.

  “Bain, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I love you, okay?”

  “I know, babe, and I love you. C
an I ask you a question?” She nods her head looking up at me with those gorgeous light eyes. “Are you doubting us? I mean, are you having second thoughts that we are going to stay together?”

  “No! I mean, I don’t know. I just…I just want you to know that I really and truly love you.”

  “I know that and I can’t imagine my life without you, I love you just as much. I know what we’re facing is difficult, but can you promise me one thing?”

  “Of course.”

  “If you talk to Nate, will you please talk things over with me afterwards? I mean, you owe me at least that much, right?”

  “Of course I will.”

  She nods her head and I stop us right in the middle of the sidewalk. There are people bustling by, but I don’t notice any of them except for her. She’s all I ever see. Taking her head in my hands, I thread my fingers into her hair. Her eyes look at me searchingly, and I claim her mouth. Wrapping my lips around hers, tight and hard. I kiss her with all of my might. My tongue barges access to her mouth and she accepts me, wrapping her arms around me.

  As I stand here and kiss her, showing not only her, but the world that she is mine, tears fill my eyes, tears of fear and worry. She is truly my everything, and without her…I am nothing.

  Standing on the side of this busy New York street with Bain, we embrace and kiss. I feel a passion inside of me that only he makes me feel. But still nagging at the back of my head is Nate – my Nate. He is alive and back. It’s something I only dreamt of, but now it’s true. I give Bain everything that I am, knowing what I must do.

  Thinking about my plan makes my insides heat with anxiety, I’m not sure how he is going to handle things, but I know in order to work through all of this, I have to take a break. Once he pulls away, his face is red and cheeks are tear stained. I hate that a simple kiss can do this, but right now it can.

  Bain smiles at me and we continue to walk. My appetite is no longer there. Well, truth be told, it hasn’t been there at all lately. I begin to replay in my mind what I’m going to say, but it all jumbles together and I know I’m just going to say how I feel and wing it, hoping for the best.